To Be The Crepe of The Girl You Pine For

Because even as we speak, she still craves for another crepe to eat.

Hey, don't kinkshame the girl. She can have as many crepes as she wants, who are you to judge? Haven't you thought about all the cows that you must've sucked off to get that whip cream, you crepe?

no that wasn't a pun because creep and crepe aren't homophones so don't kill me

Before I get into the nitty gritty, one little nitpick:

"The lifeless bits of your earthly body are tossed around like ragdolls by the strong, waves of her acid sea."

Yeah, that comma between 'strong' and 'waves' shouldn't be there. That's pretty much it.

I've already said I love this, and really, I'm not kidding. I've read this three times now and I still can't find anything that I'd complain about. And I love it because it's just so effing weird --none of this should work, in any context. Why are you comparing a relationship to something as ordinary as crepe-eating? Why is this thing in second person, what is this, a Choose Your Own Adventure book? Where in God's name is all the heavenly imagery coming from, we're talking about crepes here? And by the bye, why the crepe of all things?

And yet, it works extraordinarily well. It reminds me of a Chuck Palahniuk short story I once read about (and I kid you not) an anthropomorphic bunny saleswoman trying to sell rancid cheese. Just by that description it should not have worked, but it did, and whatever black magic was going on there is the same black magic going on here.

But I get it. I'm amazed and confused, but I get why it works. It's a mix of reality and even more reality, the ordinary act of crepe-eating and the tragedy of romances, and somehow those two combined makes it seem like reality has broken. It's a dream analogy, a likening that should absolutely not work but does, anyway. And above all else, it's brave--it jokes by making the entire thing seem more flowery than it actually is, but when sh** hits the toilet bowl fan, it doesn't hide anything. I feel like if you tried to make the excretion scene more flowery it would've had an interesting message, but a message not nearly as powerful and overt as this one.

However, at the same time I don't know how seriously I'm supposed to take this. I prefer not to take this seriously, really. I prefer to imagine this story as literally a crepe lusting after a girl and then getting eaten by said girl, because if it's put by any other frame, it falls apart. The crepe talks about human beings being cruel and selfish, and while that remains great in the crepe frame, if we're looking at this as a direct analogy, it doesn't work--the analogy suggests that a guy is being used by a girl in a relationship, and that means the guy is human, too. Misanthropy is linked with hypocrisy. You could still have the misanthropist boyfriend analogy working, but it's just not as much fun, because I end up imagining this overdramatic emo kid whose sad about a girl who broke his heart and starts blaming it on human nature because yeah, I guess grief does that to you, huh?

However, otherwise I think it all works out. There are the overstated scenes that didn't need clarification of what they were referring to (Light pointed out the BJ thing, but I'd go so far as say that the 'fourth heaven' line is already too much, since it's clear beforehand the crepe is ecstatic), but I feel like those flaws somehow add to the scenery. This was actually genuinely great, and I'm sorry if I didn't have much to say, but there's really little else to say.

Great job.

--Elliot.

Hey, I'm here to review.

First of all, I would just like to say this is among the best ffs you've ever written. Like seriously, it's up there with the story about power-hungry king and the story of what you'd sell to get what you want (I don't remember the titles >.>). I cannot not review this.

It has everything that entertains me, that actually makes me get out of my pacifist reader zone and laugh out loud. I looked up at the genre when I was reading this and was surprise it wasn't under comedy. Humour was the strongest part of the story.

I like your use of second PoV. I think it works here and makes me connect to the story more. It's also interesting that you use 'pine' in the title, because I thought it was a fancy switch for 'adore' or 'has a crush on'. At the end, the verb fitted because the girl was unattainable, at least not forever.

And while she’s at it, she’s tonguing your banana. You roll up and down her mouth, sliding in and out against her saliva-coated tongue. It’s kind of like a blowjob, if you think about it.

I've already figured it's similar to a bj in the first sentence. The second one elaborates the action, while the third one is stating the obvious. I don't think it's needed; the first and second are strong enough to convey the interesting message. The message is made clearer by the addition of whipped cream at the end of the paragraph.

Humans take and consume, only to nourish themselves and prolong their own lives, in order that they may continue taking and consuming.

I think 'that' should be changed to 'to'.

Oh my god, I already suspected you'd continue to the process to the point of excretion, but I never imagined it would be that gross and graphic! xD I think 'ass hole' is the first noun that truly describes the sensitive part of a human body.

Do you still want to be the crepe of this girl? There’s no fucking way I’m getting anywhere near that bitch, if you ask me.

Here you deviate from the second PoV and give flavour to the narrator's personality. Effective and straight to the point.

Because even as we speak, she still craves for another crepe to eat.

Meanwhile, here is the heartfelt, deep part of the story, the main lesson of the story. Don't be a crepe of anyone if you know your attachment with the one would be temporary and the one would take another crepe for one's pleasure. Very relatable.

And that is all! Initially, I wanted to comment on the part of the girl buying the crepe, because that was where the metaphor seemed off (like, in comparison to real life, how would one be sold?) but it didn't seem to be major and could be ignored, really. As a flash fiction, I think the story is sufficiently tight. You blow, man.