At this time of the night you see dark borders around the corners of your vision. Even under the gentle light of your desk your eyes burn and threaten to close, but you know six hours from now will be your last chance to narrowly escape the clutches of summer school. You move from the eleventh page of the textbook back to the first that you've read. The dreadfully drab brown pages are rendered as colorful as a million rainbows by the various shades of pastel and ink you've applied on the technical text, but these don't help.
In trying to read once more, without your awareness your mind drifts away to a memory reminiscent of a scene in a Ray Bradbury book you read for school a long time ago. Under the pricking heat of the noontime sun you—your young and boundlessly dumb self—tried to grab the fine white sands of Boracay. You don't even remember why you did that, but at that moment you were so hellbent on holding that sand in your hands that not even the concerned calls and rationalizations of your mother would sway you. But the more sand you grabbed, the tighter you grasped it: the less you ended up with. And every time it slipped from your hands, it would hit the ground with a long, hissing sound. This—amplified by the quietness of the waves, the oven-like heat on your hair, and the sweat getting in your eyes—only served to frustrate you into getting even more determined in the petty endeavor of getting the sand, perpetuating the downward spiral until you exhaustedly stomped and kicked away to join your family for lunch. Upon cringing at this memory you snap back to the task at hand.
At this second reading you focus hard enough to notice the serifs on the letters and the spaces between them. But the more words you try to grab, the tighter you try to grasp them: the less you actually end up with. Your G-Tec floats dumbstruck over the blank piece of paper.
The beach hisses as the sand slips away from your fingers.
(358 words.)
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Hi! Manilla here for a review. Let's get right into it, shall we? I review as I go to give the most honest review.
Well, here you go, I relate already. Even better using second person. I'll go into the nitpicks of your story first.
"At this time of night" should have a comma after it because it's a dependent clause. There are several other instances of this as well, but they're minor and don't really impact the story's readability.
The beginning of this sentence is a little hard to read, and I had to read it twice to understand. Try either a comma after "awareness" or move the "without your awareness" detail somewhere else.
That's all the nitpicks from me.
Perhaps the sand memory could be symbolism for something, more than just a "young and boundlessly dumb self"'s memory. Maybe no matter how hard you work, you might not always get what you want. And I was right! Because it's so late at night, probably, the narrator struggles in vain to focus and probably needs sleep or a cup of coffee...
I wonder why the piece is called "The Reviewer", though.
Otherwise, this was a very vivid flash piece that reflects perfectly in the eyes of a student today. The length is perfect and complimenting. You seem to be good at getting the essence of realism into your work; the struggles of today.
That's all from me!
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem rude and unhelpful. That was not my intention.)
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Oooh, quick answer:
I called it The Reviewer because a reviewer is what we call like, a clean compilation of all the lecture notes and textbook pages of the semester/day/whatever time period. And also, making a reviewer helps you review (oh wow). So yeah that's why
Oh, thanks
This is really good, I enjoyed this a lot! There isn't much I think that you should change. I would have suggested that you add some more detail about the emotion, between the way you compare the moment at the beach, and using 'you' instead of 'I' or 'he/she' I think it works fine. Also, hissing and sound didn't become italic, and even if it did, I don't think it should. Maybe that's just me.
Other then that, it was really good, I really, really, liked it, and I can't wait to read more from you!
oh ironic that we reviewed the same piece lol
lol
Hey, 1nspire here for a review!
Let me start off by saying it's so cool that you used 2nd person point o view, as this is rare in literature, but in this piece, it works really well. This is a struggle that most, if not all, people can relate to, so it was un to see written in this way.
I really liked the way that you used sand as a metaphor; it really gives the reader a clear view of your point and personally made it easier to relate.
I'm amazed at your ability to say so much in so few words.
I wish there was more I could critique, but this story was pretty much perfect just the way it is.
Great job, I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!