Don’t get invested in him, she told herself as she tried to hold the tears back in the dark. Or else you’ll only get hurt.
Feeling the the butterfly knife’s scarlet-painted metal grooves run over her fingers and hearing its familiar clacks as she opened and closed it put her breathing at ease. She knew she was weird, but that and the sounds of sharpening it eased the painful pulling at her stomach. Her drawer was devoid of the usual instant noodles, and she hadn’t enough cash for even another smoke. Not that she could ask her neighbors or classmates for anything, either, since they had all probably left for home this semestral break. Not that she had a home she wanted to go back to anyway. Not that she had wanted to go back to any home carrying the news that she’d have to repeat another year.
She flared up and with a yell drove the knife into the dinner table when she felt the spot in the handle where her father’s initials were engraved. But her thin smile returned when she saw it went two inches deep into the wood. Sharp as ever. She told herself it was funny how she hated and loved this knife at the same time. Hand propped up on her chin, she added a few more bored cuts to the hundreds on the table’s surface. Therapeutic.
Her eyes found themselves at the door. The hallway lights creeped in from underneath. In her mind’s eye she saw the door open just enough to let a small figure in. Bone-thin, filthy, tattered, oversized clothing, rotting teeth: a street kid. He’d silently work around the dark apartment, nabbing whatever he could along the way until he’d find her bag at the foot of her bed, which he’d excitedly rummage through it in the hopes of finding quick cash. Her blood boils upon hearing that scrawny voice of his. She quietly curses his kind as she stealthily leaves the unseen corner and thrusts the knife into his back, narrowly avoiding the spine. She’d yank the knife out as soon as he screams and rolls over. The gaping mouth would be shut up with a shirt before she drives the knife into his thigh. With her medical knowledge, she imagines the razor-sharp pain she inflicted on him. She’d grit her teeth as she uses all her arm strength to drag the knife’s blade down to his knee while pushing it deeper into his flesh. The kid’s intensified screaming only serve to irritate her even more. She gets on top of him and drives the knife into his chest again and again and again, a muttered profanity issued with every stab.
She was back at the table when she heard the ring. She quickly ran to the browser again, eyes locked on where the notification bar would appear. One message.
slr, internet died for a sec, he said.
did I make u wait?
nah dw, it’s all okayyy
owo
(500 words.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heyyyyy, I'm reviewing! Okay so I think your story was really good, and I think that you did decent with describing. Because I still imagined something, you also described the "kill" really well in my opinion. There were some parts where I thought that the sentences were just too long and messed up the flow, but not many. I would of rather you put smaller paragraphs, but I think that's just me. Your choice for paragraphing might be a stylistic choice, so you do you cause it's working just fine. Overall, you did fairly well, maybe with a few bumps, but I really like the way you wrote this. It had excitement in it, and it definitely wasn't dry, you should be proud!
Hey Kazumi, I'm here to you a lil review on this piece. This isn't a very long piece, so I've only got a few things to say, but let's get to them!
1) I'd suggest putting thoughts in italics. The first sentence has the two places where this could happen, and it would just be a little bit easier to read. When she goes into her imaginative scenario you don't need italics, but for thoughts within a typical sentence, it will make it easier for the reader.
2) I think some of your imagery and descriptions here are great. You manage to work in a lot of backstory and feeling to a character that we only get to see for 500 words, without ever having any previous knowledge of them. There seems to be a lot of emotion as well. The bit about the carving in the table I found extremely interesting. Perhaps there are serious daddy issues, or perhaps he left her as a kid, and so her Boyfriend or whoever it is leaving for a minute brings up those painful memories.
3) I was hoping for a little bit more explanation for the thief. Was it the Boy she is texting, and she imagines him being someone not who she thought he was? Was it just a random kid, and if so, why? Because this is such a short story, I really didn't understand the point of the thief since it was seemingly so random. The mention of the fact that she knew where to stab him (presumably to make him suffer most) is interesting. You also mention the fact that she had some sort of therapy, so perhaps she is a nursing student? I will say that it was impressive how many minute phrases you worked in that easily make your MC become a real person quickly.
4) I think your title is great. I didn't even make the connection that when you send texts or DM's/IM's it says that, so I was expecting this to be some sort of runaway suicide story, especially at the beginning with her twirling the knife and obviously having some mental instability with her emotions. Nice plot twist with it just being an internet shortage.
5) I think that this story resonated with me in a way, not necessarily on a gruesome level, and an emotionally charged level, but in the sense that I have weird scenarios run like this in my head all the time. Not always this violent or disheartening, but definitely bizarre and seemingly out of nowhere at times. I think anyone who reads this will get that on some level
6) Your texting bit is kind of hard to read, flying from one side of the page to the other. I would suggest putting it on centered on the left and perhaps making one of the replies italics, and the other normal font. And to that end, I text, but I have no clue what "slr" "dw" or "owo" stand for, and so the story ended on a flatter note that if it was some sort of ironic and double-meaning text that I understood. (but maybe I'm just not up on my texting lingo at all)
7) I figured that you were going for a 500 word count so I wouldn't recommend any big changes. Perhaps breaking up the last large paragraph though. It's pretty meaty and would be a little bit easier to read if it were made into two.
OVerall I liked this story. I thought it totally fit for Halloween.
~Messy
Wow. This is good!
So this won't be much of a review, but I just think we could use a little more description.
Why is "She" so mad? Why did she feel the need to kill? Basically, I just want a little more insight into her feelings. Into who she is.
That was all! Keep up the good work!
this is super good but more description would make it more insightful!
its really good though!
Alright, thanks for the words. They aren't a lot tbh, but hey, it's okay because every bit helps me out a lot. Thanks again yay