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E - Everyone

Aren't I?

by myjaspercat


A/N: I don't really know what this is exactly, but it's rather accurate of what goes on in my mind. I hope you can find some meaning in it and what not...enjoy.

We live in a world full of wonder, full of spirit and full of life yet, all we can see, all we can focus on is that of the darkness and the heartache of our trials and tribulations. Humanity is an ever growing definition of misconception and mistakes and ideals that we cannot fulfill. I once read a book about music, about a time when a single strike of a key was able to spark more than an internal revolution but rather a movement of the mind and the soul and the body. And I wondered, not only to myself but to the emptiness of the air around me, that if such a simple concept as music could ignite a life, what could it do to a world ravaged by sin, and violence and war and...and hope. But it's a wonderment I keep to my own, because I don't know how to express my opinions. I don't know how to voice my tounge, for it has been sewn shut in my mouth for too long, and I'm dying inside. My heart is slowly shriveling up until it must become nothing, because for sure I am nothing. Aren't I?


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Thu Jan 11, 2018 2:55 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to bring this out of the green room for ya :D

My first thought after reading this through is - intriguing. You bring up a lot of intriguing ideas in this piece. I really liked the imagery you brought up and your use of language to convey the tone.

Two things - if this is just a stream of thought that you wanted to put in the universe, awesome. But, I also don't want you to waste your points, so if you just want to put your thoughts out there for people to think about with you, you can share on your wall or in one of the forums and then not have to spend your points. If this is a stream of thought that you wanted to get feedback/critique on, my first suggestion is to break it up a little more.

Whenever something is in one big piece text, it can be off-putting to possible readers. You also have a few different ideas happening within this paragraph, and when they're all together in the same paragraph it can be a little hard to follow. First we're talking about how difficult our trials and tribulations are, then music, then self doubt. Each of these things are super interesting to ponder on, but at least for me, there wasn't enough time to ponder each of them before we're off to the next topic. I would like to see a little more development with each of those ideas.

Overall though, it's an intriguing little piece of your thoughts! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback on that I didn't mention :D




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Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:44 pm
Wriskypump says...



You can tell yourself you're nothing... but maybe you're afraid of being something? It does bring a sort of responsibility if you are going to be something...

You can tell yourself you're nothing, but it's just not true. If you were nothing, then also I would be nothing, and so would my next door neighbor, etc. in an endlessly unplugged cycle until homes, businesses, neighborhoods, and nations had no value and were cold and silent.

But yet that's not what we see, we see places full of spirit and life, as you described in your very first sentence. Hahaha, now that's not random is it? There is a level that is not confusion. Look higher than humanity, and try to determine how true anything beyond us might seem. My point is... maybe you'll get an answer if you ask the "empty air" itself.

What if it's not empty; (just concealed?)

What if I told you there were people, and are people, who needed miserably enough to know (perhaps not necessarily humanity's purpose, but their place?)

Can going to rock-bottom transmute us into a champion earnestly desiring truth in our inner man? Will we ever figure anything out if we settle for less?

- Take whatever you can from this, and Happy New Year.
P.S. (i just kind of drifted here to this, but it definitely concerned my heart. I remember sewing my mouth shut and walking in a Wilderness. It was terrifying; but eventually came to be most helpful)




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Sat Dec 30, 2017 4:54 pm
LadyOkra wrote a review...



I suggest some corrections that would work in your favor in my opinion. Please do not think me rude.

We live in a world full of wonder, full of spirit and full of life yet, all we can see, all we can focus on is that of the darkness and the heartache of our trials and tribulations.


Just a small suggestion: Perhaps you could rephrase it this way for a stronger impact.

We live in a world full of wonder, full of spirit and full of life. Yet, all we can see and all we can focus on is the darkness and the heartache that result from our trials and tribulations.

I once read a book about music, about a time when a single strike of a key was able to spark more than an internal revolution but rather a movement of the mind and the soul and the body.


I once read a book about music, about a time when a single strike of a key was able to spark more than an internal revolution: a movement of the mind and the soul and the body.

Perhaps "a movement" could be replaced by some other expression as it also suggests to me locomotory movement, which is not very pleasing in my opinion.

Tongue has been misspelled as " tounge".

Okay! Leaving the nitty-gritty behind, I think this particular line is absolutely stunning:

Humanity is an ever growing definition of misconception and mistakes and ideals that we cannot fulfill.


I think this a beautiful piece of work. It sort of gives off this feeling that although there is much to lament in life, there is also so much beauty to look forward to. And if we do not appreciate this beauty, it will, for certain, wilt away. Perhaps I am misinterpreting, but this is my opinion. :)

Great job! Keep writing.

Cheers.





What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice