Hey Guys
So this is something I have always thought about writing and I have finally done it. I hope you all like it. Luvs you all. Please comment I like to hear your feed back.
Georgina stood in front of her full-length mirror, her long black wedding dress nearly sweeping the floor. Her fiancé picked this out for her. In fact, he planned the whole wedding; no church or fancy things – just them at the courthouse signing a marriage license. Georgina only went along with it to keep him happy; she was marrying a difficult man. She pressed her caramel lips together no point in just standing around here she thought to herself, clutching the white roses in her hands harder. Once outside, Georgina saw the taxi parked at the end of the driveway. She knew it was waiting for her. Taking in a deep breath she walked towards the black and red vehicle, the driver turned and looked at her with his worn, leather-tan face.
“You Georgina Lambert?” he asked. The bride nodded nervously.
“Yes, that’s me.” Georgina opened the cab door and climbed into the back seat. The smell of aged upholstery and week old vodka hit her in a wave and caused her stomach to flip. Nothing, at this point, was going to calm her nerves.
The driver looked at her through his rearview mirror, “Where to miss?” he asked. Georgina pressed her lips together, throat tightening.
“To the courthouse.” She replied, taking in a much needed breath.
The driver raised an eyebrow at her. “No church wedding?”
“No,” Georgina shook her head, “he decided on a marriage license.
“I see.” The cab driver started up the engine and pulled away from the curb. Georgina watched the suburbs of London fly by. This is were she lived now, with her fiancés family. It always looked the same, day after day. She should be happy, right? The driver looked at her through the rearview mirror once more.
“So, who’s the lucky man?” He spoke up.
“Hmm?”
“Who are you marrying?” the driver asked again. Georgina didn’t answer right away.
“Oh,” she mumbled, “Luke Sutherland.” The driver let out a low whistle.
“Wow. You’re marrying into a big family.”
“Yeah...”
“You don’t seem too happy about that.”
Georgina looked over at him, puzzled. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t really want to get married, do you?”
“What are you talking about, of course I do!”
“No, you don’t. I can tell.” Georgina went pale, he was right, it was more like Luke wanted to get married. Not her. She didn’t know what she wanted. Quietly her black painted nails caressed the white petals of the flowers in her lap, the stark contrast screaming at her, telling her that this just wasn’t right.
They drove out of the neighborhood in silence. The driver tapped his silver wedding band against the steering wheel.
“So, what is Luke like?” he asked. “I’ve only heard about him from the papers.”
“Well,” she twiddled her thumbs nervously, “he’s…” Short tempered? Controlling? Demanding? Intimidating?
“Difficult.”
“Difficult how?”
“He gets angry, a lot.”
“Oh.”
Georgina nodded, “yeah.” The rest of the drive lasted in silence. I’m getting married soon, all to make Luke happy she thought staring out the window. She could see the courthouse in the distance and as the cab pulled along side the curb she sat up reluctantly ready to get married. Suddenly the driver pulled away and Georgina looked out the window, confused.
“Hey! What are you doing?” She asked waving her arms frantically, “Stop the cab!”
“I’m saving you from a bad decision.”
“My fiancé is waiting for me.” Georgina cried.
“He’ll have to wait.”
Georgina sat back and sighed, “What did you do that for?”
“You don’t really want this.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No you don’t. I can tell by your tone and demeanor.” Silent again Georgina looked at the man in the front. Who was this guy? The courthouse disappeared from view behind them.
“Where are you taking me?” She asked, afraid that she was going to be the victim of a kidnapping by a deranged nutcase.
“Nowhere,” the driver replied, “you and I are just taking a little drive and talking like two civilized human beings.”
Georgina’s stomach did another flip. More like Hannibal Lector with one of his victims; but what could she do, he was the one with the wheel and she was at his mercy. Maybe she could call someone, but then again, Luke would think of it as an excuse for her to get out of getting married. The last thing she needed was him hurling more abuse at her on their big day.
“Tell me more about Luke.” Georgina looked up.
“What?”
“Tell me all about Luke Sutherland.” Her captor replied.
“Look, Luke and his family are really rich, they can pay you whatever amount of money you want!” She pleaded. The driver raised another eyebrow at her.
“Pay me? I don’t want your money. What do you think this is a kidnapping?”
“Well…yes.”
The driver smiled and shook his head. “Nah, that’s too much trouble. I’ll let you out at the courthouse once you answer my questions.
“Okay, fine. Ask away.”
“Good, now tell me all about Luke Sutherland.”
The cab passed a chapel; a man and his boyfriend were getting married today. It took them many years to get to this point. Their problems mainly consisted of mixed feelings, their families’ disapproval and bitter public opinion. The couple nearly broke up at one point, but, they managed to rise above and have this beautiful ceremony today with all 0f their friends and family. The man and his boyfriend vowed to honor, love, and care for each other through sickness and in health until death do them part. The man slid the ring on his boyfriend’s finger and gave him a kiss on the lips.
“Luke is hard for me to describe”
“How so?” the driver asked.
Georgina bit her lip as she gathered up the words in her head and mouth. “Well, like I said, he gets angry easily. Mostly at me…”
“Angry at you, why would he get angry at a pretty woman like you?”
The pearl beads in Georgina’s black veil bounced as the bride shook her head. “It’s hard for me to say, really; maybe because we came from such different backgrounds.”
“What makes you say that?”
She shrugged her bare shoulders, “I can’t really remember my past very well, but I know that I am a Catholic-Jew.”
“Catholic-Jew huh? Like the ones during the Blood Reign Days?”
“Yes…” Georgina went quiet. Despite most of her past being blank, she could still hear the screams and cries of her family back then. So much hatred and blood during that twenty-eight year period and everyone in London seemed to pretend that that period in history never happened. Most of the victims were dead with the time, the ones who survived, like Georgina, repressed memories as they grew up to try and live a normal life.
“So how did a poor lamb like you end up involved with the Sutherland family?” the driver asked as he turned right into another neighborhood.
“Sorry?”
“How did you get involved with the Sutherland family?”
Georgina gave a soft smile, “It’s kind of a funny story, really.”
The cab passed a park. A girl of no more then fifteen sat on an old hickory bench with a dark stroller by her side; inside laid her three-week old son, finally asleep. He was a reminder of a bad mistake she made nine months ago. The girl thought she had found her soul mate in a boy that was a grade and a year older then she. Without really thinking about losing the one thing God gave her to protect, she only worried about sleeping with someone she loved. Needless to say, their wild nights in bed led to a little pink plus sign. The boy said that he would stay with her through the whole pregnancy, however about seven months later it all came unraveled. He dumped her for another girl and she gave birth alone. The young mother’s parents helped out begrudgingly, but it just wasn’t enough. She sat back on the bench wondering how her life would’ve turned out if she had chosen to wait.
“I was on the streets when I was fourteen,” Georgina explained as she looked at the London life right on the other side of the glass, “I don’t think I had any living relatives then. I was just on my own; I kept coming and going out of homeless shelters all over London. Then one day, I met this beautiful boy. He took me into his house and I have been with him and his family ever since.”
“You don’t sound so happy with all that.”
Georgina shrugged her shoulders again, “The family is okay. They provided me with the basic needs; his mother even treated me like her own daughter.”
“And times were good then?”
“Oh yes.”
“What happened?”
“Luke’s parents died four years ago and he became head of the family.”
“And that’s when he started to become angry with you?”
“Yeah…” Georgina’s mind started to wander to all the memories of the last four years. She couldn’t really remember a day when Luke didn’t yell at her or call her stupid, bitch or cow. His youngest sister, Alicia, wasn’t helping matters either. She never did like Georgina, it may have been her imagination but it seemed Alicia had border line incestuous feelings for Luke. She constantly chased away his girlfriends, so it was easy to imagine her dislike rising even more when she found out that her brother and Georgina were getting married.
“So why are you getting married?”
“Uh…” Georgina looked out the window and spotted the courthouse once more. This time, one of Luke’s close friends stood on the steps, probably looking for her. She flagged the driver. “Please, stop the cab this time.”
“We’re not done talking.” The driver told her.
“But I have to get married!”
“I told you, you’re not getting married today, so don’t ask me to stop the cab again. Am I clear?”
“Why not?” She whined.
“Because you don’t want to.” He replied sternly, like a father scolding his child.
“Yes I do.”
“Stop telling yourself that lie! You don’t want to get married, just admit it and come clean with yourself.” Georgina clutched her bouquet and leaned back as the courthouse fell from her sight again.
They passed another car in the intersection; a white English man was kissing on an Indian woman. They looked at the cab as if to ask Georgina and the driver ‘your judging us because of our relationship?’ The man and his girlfriend had long stopped caring what others thought of their bond. At first, the lovers were scared to pursue it because of the judgment that could follow; but soon they came to learn that they couldn’t control their feelings for each other. From there, they embarked on an intimate-romantic relationship. Despite it being an uphill battle, the couple stayed together for the sweet rewards at the end of each day.
“As I was asking,” the driver spoke, breaking the silence, “why are you getting married to a man you don’t love? Don’t say because you want to, we both know that’s a lie.”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“Answer my question first.”
Georgina sighed. Something told her that she wasn’t going to get out of the cab anytime soon, so she may as well humor the man. “Fine, this is more of Luke’s idea, ok?”
“That’s better. Now, you’re really starting to be honest here.”
Georgina continued to force her self to keep talking, “He proposed at dinner in a Chinese restaurant one night and I said yes.”
“Even though you didn’t want to?”
Pushing her blond hair behind her eyes she sighed once more. “What else could I do? I didn’t want him to get mad at me.”
“So this is all to humor him?”
“I don’t know. I guess.”
“But what do you want?”
Georgina eyed him in a strange way. “What?”
“What do you want for yourself?”
The passed a beautiful white brick house. A sixteen-year-old girl stood on a perfectly manicured lawn, seven months pregnant. She made her mistake months ago; her and her boyfriend had a stressful love-hate relationship. The sex was just as passionate as their fights. The last time they fought proved that too well, now she was stuck paying for it. The girl and her boyfriend hadn’t spoken to each other since she broke the news – they saw each other at school, but they just couldn’t talk.
Georgina shook her head, “I don’t know.”
“Do you love Luke?” the driver waited for a reply, “I see…”
“It’s not like that!”
“Then what is it like?”
Georgina licked her lips, moistening the now dry lip paste. She didn’t know how to answer any of those questions. Did she really love Luke? Nine years of leaving in the Sutherland home, the family had provided her with plenty of needs and comforts. She never complained. It’s better then being out on the streets, she would always say to her self. Luke was nice to her until his parents died. Now, it was just a game of keeping Luke happy, no matter what. But what about her happiness, what did she want? Did she really love Luke after all those years?
The cab passed a pretty yellow house; inside a young couple lay in bed. They were about Georgina’s age, maybe a bit younger. The woman and her boyfriend had no plans to get married at all. Their relationship went all the way without tying the knot. Sure everyone around them criticized the two for sleeping together out of wedlock, but what did they care? The woman lightly caressed her bloke’s cheek. She gently kissed him on the nose.
“I love you baby.” She whispered to his sleeping face.
The cab came to the courthouse again. This time, the driver stopped. Georgina looked around her.
“Why did we stop?”
“You are getting married as you claim, right?” he asked. Looking out the window Georgina saw Luke, Alicia and the witnesses watching the cab, trying to see if it was her. Georgina turned back to the driver.
“Am I?” The driver glanced over at her.
“Up to you.” Georgina paused for a long moment; she finally sunk back down into the seat.
“Keep going.” She mumbled.
“You sure?”
“Yes.” Georgina said in a small voice.
The driver shrugged and stretched, “Okay.” The cab pulled away once more and turned left this time.
“Change your mind?”
“I don’t want to get married!”
The cab passed a brown stone house in another neighborhood. In the bathroom of this house, another sixteen year old girl looked at her pregnancy test in her hand. Three weeks ago, she and her boyfriend did it for the first time. However, pleasure never comes without a price. The girl was learning that rather quickly. A few days ago, she started feeling sick. When she began throwing up, she knew it was a problem. So this morning she bought a test. Now, it was time to face the results.
The girl slowly looked down after three minutes. Pregnant. Her eyes widened as her greatest fears were confirmed.
“No, I don’t love Luke! He’s good, but he’s not the same man I liked and respected. I don’t even like this dress he bought me!” Georgina broke down.
“So what are you going to do?”
Georgina shook her head “I don’t know.”
Next door to the sixteen-year-old girl, a woman was giving her elderly mother her medication. The old lady gave her a cold, burning glare. This wasn’t her choice. Her daughter and arrogant son-in-law put her on medication after her health began to slide down the scales. The old woman wanted to protest this decision; but what could she do? Her daughter was in control not her. The younger woman smiled as she handed her mother the red and blue pills from the bottle.
These young people just want to drug us and put us away! The old lady thought.
It was probably a good thing that Georgina didn’t get out of the cab that last time. Close to five in the evening, a taxi pulled up to the courthouse, instead of the bride herself another young woman in black came out with a .45 caliber in her hands. Ten gunshots broke the London silence. The gay couple and the girl in the park heard the shots in the air as they looked up. The interracial couple and the pregnant girl in her lawn saw the cab with the woman in black speeding away from the courthouse. The old lady, the sixteen-year-old girl and the young couple saw the assassination on the new in their homes. Georgina and the cab driver pulled up to the courthouse and saw the massacre from the steps. The bride sank down in her seat again. Something told her that Luke’s death ripped open an old monster.
Shot’s rang out. The police came.
© copyright 2015. Myjaspercat/L.P.Perez All rights reserved.
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Hey there! Thought I'd drop by with a review.
I really liked what you were trying to do with this story. It's a super cool concept, and while I think that the delivery isn't quite there yet, there's definitely the potential for something really fascinating in this short story.
Generally, I don't do grammar/nitpicky reviews, but I will make an exception to talk about dialogue punctuation, since it seems to be a recurring issue, but one that can be fixed. Punctuation within Dialogue explains it all very well, and probably much better than I could. It's worth a read, because dialogue punctuation does stand out if it's wrong, but once you get a hang of the rules it's fairly simple to fix. If you've got any questions about the article or specific examples though, feel free to ask and I'll do my best at explaining!
There's a few other grammar issues here, but nothing that rendered the story unreadable or anything. I think there's bigger-scale editing needed first, so I wouldn't stress about the itty-bitty technical issues.
I'm a little on the fence about the flashes into other people's lives. On the one hand, I think it's a really good idea, and could potentially be really effective, but at the same time, it's not quite working at the moment. That's not to say get rid of it, but maybe tweak your approach a little.
I don't know what your original purpose in including the POV switches (not exactly the best way of explaining it, but that's what I'll call them for the sake of simplicity), but I think for them to be effective, you need to use them as a contrast to Georgina's situation, in one way or another. That can help in showing your reader the problems with Georgina's relationship with Luke. At them moment, they feel a little random and disjointed from the overall story. As you go back over this piece, with every POV switch, I'd think what can these characters/situation show about Georgina, how can they add to the ideas I want to present to the reader?. I think contrast is the way to do this, but mostly just make sure that each new character has a reason for being included.
Also make sure that the characters' whose lives you show us snippets of are distinct. You seem to have three teen pregnancies here - which is repetitive. With all the possible characters and stories you could include, there's no need to repeat the same situation with only minor changes. I like the two couples, and the old lady, but I'd stick with only one of the teen girls (which ever you prefer) and try to come up with some other, distinct story. Just so that it doesn't feel like you're repeating the same character and idea over and over.
I'd like to see a little more development in the character of Georgina. You 'tell' us a lot about her situation, and have her explain it to the cabbie, and say that she's unhappy, but the depth's not quite there yet. Don't be afraid to go into detail, let her thoughts and reactions come through. Emotion's tricky, but even if you have short flashbacks to conversations with Luke, or have her imagine his reaction to her being late/not showing up. Build up some tension.
I think a little more description of setting could also help this story. The narration feels a little sparse, you're mainly just stating what's going on, mostly dialogue.
You built up to Georgina's epiphany and decision to leave Luke fairly well, I think. It wasn't too sudden, and her thought processes made it seem realistic.
I think you've got a really great start to the story, and I'd be more than happy to look at any revisions you make to it. I can see that this could into a really great short story, with a little work.
Any questions, let me know!
thank you so much for your review, I appreciate it. I will definitely leave you a shout when I do revise this, when that happens... I don't know yet. Anyways thank you so much for everything.
Hi Felistia here with a review.
Wow. This is very skilled writing. I am almost lost for words, but not quite.
In the beginning all sorts of thoughts were running through my head. Lots of questions, but you answered all of them in very nice tidy fashion.
I like the stories with in the story, they make it a lot more interesting. They also break up the conversation with bride and the driver, so that the reader doesn't get bored.
There are a few words that are repeated too many times like (passed) for instance. There was also one editing mistake in the first paragraph were you didn't leave a space between it and to, so that it said itto. I think you should put up a warning that it should by for 16 and up, just an idea.
The emotions in here feel really strong and hold the story very well. I would have liked a bit more description in the middle of the story. You paint a very clear picture in the beginning though. I have heard this story a million times, but the way you wrote it was still very interesting, so well done.
Have a good day/night and keep writing.
thank you, I appreciate your reply. I am glad that you liked this piece, and thank you for your suggestions.
thank you, I appreciate your reply. I am glad that you liked this piece, and thank you for your suggestions.