Hey there! I'm MJ, here for a quick review. Since this is a graded assignment, I'll try and do my best to make sure this review is particularly helpful and give you a lot of tips. These are all suggestions, and your story is strong already, so don't feel obligated to take all of my suggestions. That said, let's get right into it:
There should be a colon after about instead of a semicolonYou know what I'm talking about; aged-paper, ink, dirt.
What does the scent have to do with being unnoticed? I'm not seeing the connection you're drawing there. And the last statement- the greatest tales being unnoticed- is pretty controversial and isn't proven at all in your other sentences.that's how I've come to find the most intense stories I've ever read, because the greatest tales are always the ones left unnoticed
Isn't that judging the book by its cover? I think it would be more convincing and consistent if you said something like, "I walked slowly until the faintest aroma caught my nose, and then I stopped and examined the book, inhaling deeply."I walk until a title catches my eye, then I stop. Gently I pull it from its home between its family and I examine it
There should be parentheses, not brackets, around the phrase 'as a victim'or when I [as the victim] will become the next lifeless heap on the floor
Another note: In that same paragraph I would add the disclaimer (of sorts) that you only feel that way with good writing and maybe even mention that feeling what the characters are going through and experiencing is a sign of good writing
This is a different tone than you used in the rest of the writing, and for the sake of consistency I would rephrase it to say something like, "Even though this seems overwhelmingly complicated, it's simple."I bet you're asking what I mean. It's simple.
This should be a comma, not a semicolonThe books they write are like collective thoughts; fiction or not
This should be parentheses again, not brackets.When I [or you for that matter] read,
This is the PERFECT ending to an amazing story! Don't hesitate to PM me with any questions or ask me for another review; I'm happy to help! Sorry this review got a little long, I wanted to do my best to help you fix this up so you get that 100. You already have an amazing story, and most of my suggestions were minor things that will push you above and beyond!And it all begins with an inhale.
Best wishes,
MJ
Points: 31500
Reviews: 561
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