A/N: Hey guys, so I haven't written a story in awhile and I decided I would give it a go. It might not be very good (in fact I don't plan it to be) but I thought it was a change from poetry. Give me your all, don't be afraid you wont hurt any feelings. Thanks for reading and commenting; I really appreciate the help.
"Sometimes to get what you want the most, you have to do what you want the least." ---Unknown
The wind picked up speed, causing pine needles to billow in the breeze. Jack sat with his back to sliding glass door that led to the second floor balcony. With a frustrated sigh, he slammed the lid of his laptop shut. Why couldn't he get it right? It was simple, all he had to do was sit down and type; however, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get the right words down. It came so easily to his sister, why not to him? It just wasn't fair. Jack ran his fingers through the rough tangles of his dirty-blonde hair and then gently rubbed the back of his neck; working at the knot. It was already Sunday and the essay was due the next day, there really was no more time to push it.
Another sigh escaped his lips as he lifted the top open again. He stared at the brightly lit screen and it stared right back at him; the document page empty and its cruiser blinking. Ok, I can do this he mumbled to himself, placing his fingers on the keyboard the way they taught him to. Tick. Tick. Tick. Seconds passed with Jack sitting there, unmoving. You can do it, come on man, just write something. Who cares if you get a bad grade, at least you turned something in. Tick. Tick. Tick.
"Dammit, I can't do this." He exhaled out loud as he pushed the laptop further away from him.
"Jack honey, is everything ok?"
Jack looked up, his mom stood behind him leaning against the door frame; a diet cola in her hand. "Not really," he replied.
"Well is there anything I could help you with?" she asked, setting the can down in front of him.
Picking up the soda, Jack pulled the tab and waited until he could no longer hear the fizz if the extra carbonation leave the can. After taking a swig, he set it back down and swiveled around to look his mom in the eye.
"I just can't seem to get it right. Like I thought I would be able to knock this essay out of the way but it feels harder now then it did when Mrs. Scarlett assigned it." He rubbed the back of his neck again, trying to relieve some pain.
"Well baby, when did she assign this?"
"Last Monday," he mumbled under his breath, looking down at the deck.
"There's the problem Jack." his mother replied. "If you didn't put off the assignment then you wouldn't be sitting here worrying about what you needed to do."
"Yeah, but if I did this earlier I wouldn't have had time to do what I wanted to do. Like, come on, I had to go to that party Mark threw, it was the biggest of the year; everyone went. Also if I didn't show up at the football game between Cleveland then the cheerleaders that always hang around Amy would have thought I didn't care. They're cheerleaders mom, like I have to prove to them that I have school spirit so they'd date me." Jack relaxed and sat back from the edge of his seat. He didn't even realize he had gotten so tense.
His mom sighed, "Someday Jack, you'll realize that you'll have to make sacrifices..." She rolled her eyes as she turned around to look at her son, who stared right back at her "...even if that means letting a cheerleader think you don't have school spirit." With that, she turned around and closed the screen door, her footsteps fading.
Alone again, Jack took a second to breathe. There's never going to be a big enough reason to let down a cheerleader, he argued silently. Another few seconds passed until he finally looked back at the computer. Ok, I can do this. He placed his fingers back on the keyboard, the way they had taught him, and started to type.
Why Some Students Have Bad Grades
By: Jack Dunham
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hi! there myjaspercat
That, really, is procrastination. I think, a lot of us or all of us could relate to that. Hence, you portrayed it really well. From the excuses, fitting in & prioritizing other things that you thought were more important.
Also, this felt conversational. Like you were actually listening as he spilled his thoughts to his mom.
Ok, for me, I guess you could use a comma rather than an ellipsis before 'she rolled' because you use an ellipsis when you trail off or uncertain what to say next. But in this situation, his mom is very much certain on what she's telling him. Also, She should be in the lower case.
Hence, I really agree with his mom. Thanks for sharing,
Hope to read more from you
>Cha
thank you i'm glad you liked it. I have another short story with two parts if you'd like to take a look, but anyway thank you
Hey Will here.
xD. I love it.
-willachilles
thank you.
XD This is awesome! I especially love the ending; it's ingenious!
Okay, sorry, starting over. Hi, racket here to review this awesome short!
Really, don't worry about writing badly; this is awesome. XD The end made me laugh, and his reasoning about the cheerleaders is hilarious. Good job!
The mother is an awesome character. Way to go with her, she's great! And Jack's awesome too, I can totally picture him as one of the guys in my classes.
Well, there's not much wrong in this, other than a few grammar errors. The story flows very nicely and it's very well written. You just need a few commas and a few other minor things.
One thing that I think you could either take out or add to would be Emily. Who is she? We know she's good at essays, Jack's jealous of her skills. Is she a sister? A friend? She does help establish Jack's frustration, but we just need a bit more or less of her. The way she is right now is just unnecessary info. You could say 'It came so easily to his sister, why not to him?' Or you could add something after the original sentence, like: 'She was always so perfect in all her classes, as if just to spite him.' Or something like that. Just a suggestion!
Okay, now nit-picky small grammar things.
Do you hear how this sentence is practically asking for a comma, right after 'sigh'? Sorry, it'd just flow a bit better with a comma here.
After tried, comma!! Sorry, I think I'll just note everywhere you need a comma because there's only two or three.
Period after really, or comma or whatever works for you.
'She' should not be capitalized here, as it is describing the speech before hand. Same thing a few paragraphs down when 'His mother replied.' No capitalization!
Commas.... 'Like, come on,'
'she' should be capitalized here and a comma is needed after 'son'.
Dang, I love the ending! That's such an awesome idea! Keep writing, there was only nit-picky stuff. This is awesome! Thanks for writing, I can't wait to read more of your stuff!
~racket
Thank you I'm glad you like it. I will go back and add in those commas.
I'm also glad you thought the dialogue was realistic, it's hard as a girl to write from the point of a boy since I can only speculate on what I thought Jack would think. Again, thank you
oh, and Emily was his sister
Oh, ok, so I was right! *pumps fist* Thank you!
of course and thank you, I made the changes you pointed out. I really appreciate the help.
You're welcome!
Hello there!
).
This was a nice piece, although I must admit, it does need some work. It wasn't boring and it had it's own appeal to it. It's like an Aesop Fable (with the morals and lessons they have learned). However, I think it should be more like an Aesop Fable. Don't make the lesson obvious; don't make it in the title. I think the title could be something more simple, but still doesn't give away the moral.
Also, grammar wise, it could use a few touch-ups. For one, why are there random extra-spaces in places? That was a bit annoying, but not something I stumbled over. There were some grammar and punctuation errors in here, though. For example, you had "cant". Either make it "can not" or "can't". Just a few re-reads and the whole edit-and-revise thing would be nice, and this could become a clean, polished piece.
Overall, this was a nice short story that was very relatable (*cough*procastination...me*cough*) and had a smooth flow to it.
Keep writing, I hope this helps you with this piece AND with further writings (also, good job at stepping away from poetry and into the short story genre
~ EternalRain
thank you, yeah it's been a while since I've written any form of a story. Sorry bout the can't' thing, my computer doesn't point them out or fix them. I'm glad you liked the story.
You're welcome!
Yeah...just more re-reading then! haha