Peaceful Observations

Hey, Jasper! Pomp here to leave what should be a hopefully quick review~

So, descriptive essays, huh? My English Language class did that a lot as a writing exercise and it was ... fun, I guess. XD Though the lack of plot/development always bothered me, it's fantastic for developing your ability to describe!

The first suggestion I'm going to give you is for you to attempt dividing your work up into paragraphs; it not only neatens the effect but also allows the reader to focus more on the content being explored!

Besides that, I think it'd be nice if along with all the imagery we got a more grounded base in the narrator's 'observations', and actually got to experience more of the narrator's experiences instead of everything in their surroundings being described somewhat detachedly. Like, even when the narrator describes their surroundings and takes us through their surreal experiences, we're not exactly seeing out of their eyes.

I think the reader is most drawn towards the scene in the first couple of lines, because they're directly seeing what the narrator feels and sees instead of the items around them simply being listed down. Some choppy sentences throw off that otherwise dreamy vibe you've got going, and some of the more shorter sentences--some of which seem randomly tossed in there--don't seem to A) add anything of importance to the piece and B) appear to be incomplete thoughts as a whole. An example is: 'This moment feels right'. Why does it feel right? In what way? What sensations does it evoke within the narrator? If it's a sentiment that's not being expanded upon, I'd suggest cutting it out, seeing as it does not contribute anything much besides.

A calm rustling of leaves sends a few of the reddish-orange foliage floating to the ground.

~The cause-to-effect thing isn't working for me here. How does a rustling of leaves send more leaves drifting to the ground? Isn't the rustling of leaves in itself caused by a breeze? Also, 'rustling' is a sound, not a movement, so for a sound to cause an object to move is slightly ... odd. It's like putting effect next to effect instead of expounding on the cause that led to it.

Sorry about rambling on about that.

Another couple of things I'd like to talk about are:

A] Pacing: The piece moves too fast for me to be completely immersed in it; half the time I was trying to keep up with the narrator moving from point to point and I think it would be good to slow down the pace a little? Just to give the reader time to find their feet. Another thing that might help make the piece less erratic, going off in all directions, is to build a focus and slowly weave from one scene to the next. You can do this by shifting from one point-of-focus to another, like from the trees and the foliage to the pavement, to the grass, to what the narrator can see careening into the distance ... and so on and so forth. It's like when a person drags their glance across a painting, drinking the scenery in from left to right.

B] Incorporating meaningless actions, like the ringing cellphone into the description. It was a very sudden shift in tone, because we're being forced to look away from the natural world to the groundedness of reality. The ominous build-up, too, was a little forced, and the call didn't lead to anything--it didn't add to the drama, have a secret meaning that correlated to the serenity the narrator is experiencing ... and this could partly be because it's such a fleeting experience. What is the narrator hopeful for? Who are they? Does their identity matter at all, in this piece? Is it supposed to matter?

Besides this, I'll talk about constants for a bit. A constant is any idea, image, or thought that establishes continuity in a piece instead of bopping from one random image to another. It's like, you know how when someone is describing the sky, and they talk about it like it's a field of wheat, because the sun's peeking through the clouds and dipping everything into a gold dye? It's good to subtly use natural imagery there, then, or extend the metaphor, or--when you move on to describing something else--you do it in a similar-ish vein to the kind of descriptions you had before. Calling the sun 'a great burning halo, like an engagement ring in the sky' is lovely, too, but it has no link to the image of the cloudy wheat-fields; you could call it a well of yolk, instead, maybe, or whatever floats your boat! It helps because random, flyaway images can be hard to wrap your mind around.

Quick thingy I use to explain constants:

Point A) glass --> (it is) shiny, sharp, (like) stalactites --> broken, scattered, piercing into skin like knives//the pieces are knives.

The constant I've used here is 'sharp', and then stretched out ideas from that one word; it helps knit things together.

One last grammar-related thing: For the most part, you've used semi-colons correctly, but there are a couple of places where you've used them to link one dependent and one independent clause together. Semi-colons can be used instead of conjunctions or periods to bring two independent clauses together, AKA: two sentences that can stand on their own. This article might explain things better.

Besides that, this was great, Jasper! For the most part, your images are vivid, and all I'd really ask for is for the setting to be a tad clearer--like saying, 'in front of me...', 'some distance away...', prepositions/phrases like that.

Keep it up! Keep writing!

Hope this helped.

~Pomp c:

Hey there, Jaspercat! These are wonderful observations you have here. My writing professor had us do the same thing, except with dialogue (so we literally walked around campus and listened to people's conversations ). It's funny what you notice when you really listen and see, huh? Once you really immerse yourself in something, you start to notice all the little details and it becomes much more beautiful. You build a sense of respect for it, and I can definitely see that at work here.

Your descriptions are beautifully structured and paint pretty scenery in our minds, which I loved. However, I've got to ask: are you handing this in? If so, here are some things up for your consideration while editing:

1.

My eyes continue to wander and the movement of the shadows of the trees catches my eye, it makes them seem alive.

I'm pointing out this line mainly because of the comma splice. I would tell you to substitute it for a semi-colon, but I noticed that after this sentence you used a lot of semi-colons throughout (which you should watch out for since you never want to overuse semi-colons. They're like dropping the f-bomb; you've got to pick the right place to put it). So maybe you could say, "...shadows of the trees catches my eye, and it makes them seem alive." Putting the 'and' there makes the sentence complete.

2.

I feel apart of this dance

I only highlighted this because I think you meant 'I feel part of this dance,' not apart (apart means to be separated).

3.

‘Hello’.

Since this is dialogue, I think it should be in proper dialogue format. Which means the period should be a question mark, which should be placed within the quotes rather than outside. Therefore, it would be, 'Hello?' and then the continuation of your narration.

4.

Slap. Slap. Slap.

Okay, this I'm not too sure of. Since you associated this sound with running shoes against dirt, I don't think 'slap' is the right onomatopoeia. Slap is usually associated with something sharp and resounding, but when you think of shoes against dirt, that sounds more muffled and quieted. I'd suggest looking for a different word.

Okay, so other than that, I enjoyed this piece a lot. I highly suggest for you to continue with this sort of exercise (I know I do). And try it with dialogue. It's pretty fun, and it helps a lot!

Have a good day/night.