Young Writers Society

mood

i feel your pain

I relate so much to this poem. My boyfriend had stopped loving me back in march and broke up with me. I still loved him soo much, hoping someday he would come back to me and love me again. And he did. If you are going threw the same thing i am soo sorry, it hard to love someone who wont love you back. I hope things get better for you, I know someday they will come back to you<3 You are an amazing writer, I hope you know that. I cant wait to read more of your work<3

Good Job
Joe Tamez

Great poem but all I can think of while reading this is that meme, "You just as beautiful as the day I lost you." All I have to say.

Hello there! Thanks for requesting a review.

Alright, first off I see a lot of repetition, which is often occurring in various forms of poetry, especially as a way to reflect and encourage further thinking. I think it works well here, as a nice lead into each stanza to keep the reader engaged in learning more about this person that the speaker is waiting for, or the relationship between the speaker and their ex-lover/partner. The lines feel a bit short to me in places, mostly the first and last stanzas.

For something this short, however, I would recommend putting either stronger lead-in language or combine a few of these more similar ideas to make for a shorter, more specific poem. For example, linking the first few stanzas, in “waiting/remain/ready” to then develop into something a bit deeper, connecting the act of “waiting despite the rain, ready for you to come back.” That’s all just a pan exercise of dividing and piecing together different parts to keep the same tone but to keep the repetition of at least individual words/imagery to a minimum.

I would definitely suggest to rework the third stanza, as “ready” is used in three straight lines. Past that, unless rhyming is a wanted part of this poem, I would suggest to keep away from accidental rhymes, as in “remain/rain” in the second stanza, as well as “shed/faded” in the sixth stanza. Besides that, I think punctuation is both helping and hurting the flow of this poem, as there aren’t any commas/periods, but the question mark especially in the fifth stanza feels a bit oddly placed, as it feels like the stanza could end cleanly at the third line.

However, I think overall this poem works nicely in its current state, a little raw and very emotional. I can definitely feel and envision what the speaker is going through, thinking about someone standing in a theoretical street with the rain pouring over them, hoping against the impossible that their lover is coming back.

Nicely done so far. I hope this helped. ^^

Thank you so much for sharing!!!

You are a great writer. I love how your sentences are so simple, yet they have so much meaning. They are filled with repetition, which really adds emotion to what you are trying to say.

I can tell that you wrote what purely came from your heart. It is beautiful.

Thank you for your poem 😊

Have a lovely day,
Ailah

I like your poem it has a good deep message to it.

The flow was kind of off and some lines felt like they should be combined where you had them split up into multiple lines. Also making adding a few commas to the poem would also help with flow. It felt like the flow was someone blocky because of the lack of guidance of commas and periods.

"if you come back

i’ll be here

waiting

like i was the day you left"

A possible different way to restructure this would to be:

"If you come back,
I'll be here awaiting,
like the I was the day you left"


Splitting up the lines too much makes it blocky since there are not a lot of words per line so each line does not have a flow per say.

This is just a suggestion. My thoughts of your poem. Other than that I thought the poem was great and had a nice deep meaning that is sad, but has hope within it. Hope that you two will be together again.

Great poem!

*cri*