Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
the feel of his worn out sweatshirt
surrounding me like a warm hug
he was never much of a flirt
his love clouded my judgement like a drug
~~~
i called him baby
because he was mine
the answer was never maybe
little did i know we were running out of time
~~~
but when he called me that name
that only he knew
his voice would slightly change
i thought his love was true
~~~
he had a soft voice
buried underneath that gritty exterior
i don’t think it happened by choice
it only changed with me
~~~
the three syllables echo in my head
and the bad dreams start to creep
i fill my mind with what lies ahead
i can’t fall asleep
~~~
he called me lulubelle
and said i would never be lonely
now hearing that hurts like hell
i was his one and only
~~~
i read through our old texts
though i should erase them all
the way he talked had such an effect
it’s what made me fall
~~~
i hear that special voice
and that special name
i want to get rid of this eternal noise
and you’re to blame
~~~
so i drown it out with a song
that meant something to us
i don’t feel like i belong
but you betrayed my trust
~~~
lulubelle isn’t my name anymore
i’m leaving it in the past
i’m going out the back door
goodbye to a love that didn’t last
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
hello lillianna i bet you weren't expecting to see me here HUH
well thankfully i'll be out of your hair in no time, i just wanted to give you my general impressions of your lovely poem.
first of all, i can tell this is something close to you, so it would be unfair of me to critique it based on how much i as a reader could relate to it. you manage to share your sentiments well, regardless.
while the flow of the poem as a whole is generally well received, trying to read it out loud may give you a little more insight on areas you could improve. in addition to that, i enjoyed the rhyme scheme chose. it went well and you managed to keep it up throughout, which was very impressive. im not much for structured poetry but i do enjoy them when i am able to find a good one.
other than that, i liked the poem. i feel you were able to express yourself well and being that this is a sensitive subject for you, that isn't always the easiest thing to do. all in all, keep your head up, and keep on writing. practice makes perfect and you will only get better.
thank you for the review bobnana, i%u2019m glad you liked my poem.
Hey lillianna,
Let's get started...
Thanks so much for requesting a review! I'm excited to read your poem!
The split between the first two lines and last two lines of this stanza was really sudden and jarring to me. You move from a tangible feeling of his sweatshirt to suddenly talking about him. The third line really just felt like you were trying to force a rhyme with "flirt" instead of going with the tone that you'd set in the first two.
What if you tweaked this around a bit so instead of changing the tone of the poem, you could use this line to build up to "flirt" if you want to use that word?
For example, you could always do soemthing like,
"surrounding me like a warm hug,
the soft touch making me long for my flirt,
even if his love clouded my judgement like a drug"
Or something? That still feels a bit off to me and I'd encourage you to play around with the words you want to use that really encapsulate what you're feeling, but I think it'd help to focus more on the mood you want to convey than to absolutely force a rhyme scheme here because a poem doesn't need to rhyme to be good
I really like this stanza, it's my favorite so far ^-^
~ ~ ~
I liked this poem! It's clear there are a lot of really strong, painful, raw emotions going on with the narrator and I liked how we worked through from kind of longing for it to all work out, to being really hurt and kind of angry, to more acceptance near the end. It was a nice trek to follow along with and I think worked really nicely with the theme of this poem.
The main thing I noticed that could be improved is like I said your rhyme scheme felt really forced in places. This article goes over a lot of really helpful tips about poetry and touches on rhyme and I'd encourage you to take a look at it
Hope this helped!
~Shady
And, the obligatory Schadenfreude and Fahrvergnügen in the spirit of review day
thank you so much! i%u2019ll make sure to check out that article.
You're welcome!
Hi lillianna!
I just wanted to say that I really love this poem. It carries so much emotion with it which is incredible. It also holds an evolution to it as the narrator spends the beginning and middle reflecting on the lost love and the pains of the loss, but by the end, she builds up the strength to move on and stop letting those heartbreaking memories affect her any longer. I also really like the structure of this poem. I like how it is organized into all 4 line stanzas, each line has a similar length, and it has a rhyme scheme of abab. I like this structure because I feel like it adds a rhythmic feel to the poem as you read it, and it sounds almost like a lullaby. I don't have any critiques, I just really love the poem as it felt like a sort of haunting love and it was written beautifully. Great job!
thank you so much! i%u2019m glad you liked it.
Hey lilliana,
This.
Is.
Beautiful.
lot's of love <3
- stellarjay
thank you <333
Chancing a review.
I loved your rhythm and rhyme scheme, the way you used 'abab' and changed rhymes with constitent rhythm fit. :> The poem has a powerful message, and if you had to go through this I'm sorry, but you are strong <3. The poem felt sad not vengeful, and truly hurt and betrayed, but it ended on a strong note which I appreciate. This poem is about love lost, which in itself is a strong sentiment, but the fact it's not a vengeful breakup song taylor swift style makes it even more impactful. You aren't just 'feeling things' your feeling the sorrow. You are past the denial and anger. You are ready to recover, but you aren't happy with how things went. It is moving and even though it's obviously sad for you, it makes me smile because it's so wholesomely and healthily phrased.
I don't see grammar problems, I like your use of punctuation it's fitting, it keeps the poem grounded. I don't see any misspellings, if there are any I'm sure someone else can find them. :> I loved your peice, keep writing.
Much Love,
Shadow
<33333333
thank you so much for the review gem <333 i%u2019m glad you liked it
I'm happy to review :> <333