I tried

by jolene15

Published July 19, 2011

E - Everyone

In Poems

I though I loved you, but you hurt me,
I tried to love you and,
all you gave me was pain,
you made me happy for awhile,
but messed it up by making me cry,
you made me smile and made me laugh, when I was down,
but ruined it by breaking my heart,
you gave me a reason to care,
but broke what was already there(friendship),
I told you a secret and you didn't respect it,
I gave you everything and you lost it,
I told you how I felt and You ignored it :'(
Comments & reviews · 15
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jolene15
Comment
jolene15 commented Comment · Jul 22, 2011

Thanks JasperSkye...I just got out of a relationship when I wrote it, and ok lexieells

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lexieells
Review
lexieells wrote a review Review · Jul 21, 2011

I though I loved you, but you hurt me,I tried to love you and,all you gave me was pain,you made me happy for awhile,but messed it up by making me cry,you made me smile and made me laugh, when I was down,but ruined it by breaking my heart,you gave me a reason to care,but broke what was already there(friendship),I told you a secret and you didn't respect it,I gave you everything and you lost it,I told you how I felt and You ignored it :'(


i'll come back to review later

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JasperSkye
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JasperSkye commented Comment · Jul 21, 2011

Very good. It reminded me of my relationship and how it ended recently and your poem kind of gave me some strength to get through it. So, for that...I thank you. Keep writing.

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MissRockers
Review
MissRockers wrote a review Review · Jul 21, 2011

I just have to say that I really related to this. Although it didn't give me any deep emotions, and I don't think I will remember this poem, and it won't make a huge mark on me....i did enjoy it. :) :)
Please remember, we all feel this way every once in a while. It gets better with time. :)

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jolene15
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jolene15 commented Comment · Jul 21, 2011

Thanks everybody but I honestly like it the way it is and was gonna add more to it later on and try to fix it. Lol and ok haley10019 i will try besides how are you suppose to make new friends if you dont talk to anyone.

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hayley10019
Review
hayley10019 wrote a review Review · Jul 21, 2011

I really liked it and you picked a topic that a LOT of people can relate to. Me being one of them. Thinking you love someone, and then being let down by something they do SUCKS.. and makes you wonder a lot. But either way, you will get through it and anytime you need someone to talk to you can talk to me.. even though you don't know me. haha.
but ANYWAY.. I really liked the poem and liked the length and the structure of it. It was good (:
--hayley

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shagy91
Comment
shagy91 commented Comment · Jul 20, 2011

Very deep but very obvious! The thing is that you need to give imagery for your feelings, don't just right it straight forward, metaphors and symbolic entities would be great to color a picture you draw with your words!
Good luck...

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danipower0204
Review
danipower0204 wrote a review Review · Jul 20, 2011

I though I loved you, but you hurt me,
I tried to love you and,
all you gave me was pain,
you made me happy for awhile,
but messed it up by making me cry,
you made me smile and made me laugh, when I was down,
but ruined it by breaking my heart,
you gave me a reason to care,
but broke what was already there(friendship),
I told you a secret and you didn't respect it,
I gave you everything and you lost it,
I told you how I felt and You ignored it :'(


OK. I will be harsh, but harsh is good I think.
This did not read like a poem. It's basically a very literal list of things that have happened. You used no similes, metaphors or other literary devices. Don't tell us the story, show it to us. You know what I mean. Sorry if this is a "negative review" but I'm trying to be constructive. It reads very melodramatic "I tried to love you!" "all you gave me was pain!" Stay away from that. And again, use literary devices! "you are as bright as the sun" to give a simple one. Or "You are the devil's hammer" as a metaphor. Just a suggestion.
Good luck!

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jolene15
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jolene15 commented Comment · Jul 20, 2011

thanks i will change it now.

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katngo73
Review
katngo73 wrote a review Review · Jul 20, 2011

well, this was a very good poem. it went very nicely for me. the flow was significant, but there a few things that you need to work on.

you made me smile and made me laugh,
when I was down,


that was pretty good, but you could have put this instead:
you made me smile and laugh when I was down.

that goes along nicely. much better, I can say. Keep writing and follow your dreams!!!

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jolene15
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jolene15 commented Comment · Jul 19, 2011

Sorry You didn't like it but honestly I do. Thanks for being a huge fan of my work but doesn't everyone make mistakes. Dont worry about being mean and I wont kill you I'm not that type of person.

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Ardor
Review
Ardor wrote a review Review · Jul 19, 2011

Very...informal. Sorry if this seems mean, but I didn't like this poem. Sorry, but I think it needs improvements. First off, I am a huge fan of your work. Perhaps that is a reason why I didn't quite enjoy this one. For me, you are using language which is a bit too simple for you. Also there are some sentences that have no spaces between the commas, which is a common punctuation error, but still. I especially loved Lost because of it's simplicity, but for me I think you can make his poem more complex than that is. Sorry if I seem harsh, but there are going to be people with great expectations of you. Unfortunately I am one of them. Don't kill me :0

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AtticusGallows
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AtticusGallows commented Comment · Jul 19, 2011

No problem :D

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jolene15
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jolene15 commented Comment · Jul 19, 2011

thanks and no I didn't thanks again

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AtticusGallows
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AtticusGallows commented Comment · Jul 19, 2011

Hey, nice poem. I think you didn't realized you spelled tried wrong though.



“Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never could.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell