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141,754 Literary Works • 675,686 Reviews
Hey there, Jolene! I was looking for something long out of the GR to review for The Checklist Challenge, and came across this. Hope you don't mind getting a notification after what must be years, let's get started~
I like the overall theme, where the narrator questions themself instead of the subject. They're not speaking of the betrayal itself, but their reaction and continued togetherness. To me, that is a powerful thing to seek answer for. Some might see it as the narrator's foolishness, but I believe it can be much deeper than that. Do they have attachment issues, where they'd rather bear a toxic relationship than letting go? Are they so afraid of being alone that they'll choose bad company over it? Do they have history of such bad lovers and have gotten used to and even seek out that disappointing familiarity? Does being broken comfort them? We don't know how messed up the narrator may have become playing fate's treacherous game, with little fault of her own. But doesn't it also fall upon themselves to detect such patterns and protect themselves from such bad experiences? I'm really eager to see if you'd expand on any one of these possibilities, negating the others!
This broke something in me </3
Really like the way you summarise an on-and-off relationship, where the narrator goes back to their lover each time, despite their better judgement. The wording is simple but really impactful because of it. To do something despite knowing the ruinous outcome- the pain and overthinking is very much prominent!
The awareness in this line shook me! The narrator knows and acknowledges how bad their lover is for them, but are helpless to the need they've for them. Or perhaps they've never actually tried but their heart is caged in that fear? The vulnerability is commendably portrayed.
Stating things plain and unfiltered just as they are- I like your style! It's simple but works well regardless.
And the spiral continues- appreciate your consistency with that. The way they admit it in such a humble and real way really breaks the wall between you and reader- I'm sure many would be able to relate to what you describe.
It seems that the lover isn't as emotionally aware and available as the narrator, and if that isn't a horrible thing to live! The narrator is truly alone in their ache, it really monopolises all my sympathy towards them. But then again, I believe that was the intention with a biased narrator.
Ahh incredibly heartbreaking!! To think that the subject will probably never hear how their behavior hurt the narrator seems so unfair, but is very much reflective of the real world- has left me with a bittersweet taste. What a note to end!
Here are a few grammar nitpicks, if you ever decide to edit this-
(I don't wanna be that nagging guy, but this can be helpful if you want your work to made easier)
Spoiler
Why do I keep taking you back when I know it won't last?
Why can't I live without you, even you made me cry so many times?
Well, let's see- I feel like my heart has stopped beating yet I'm still alive,
I've got mixed feelings flowing through out my body, head & heart,
just don't know which ones to follow,
listening to sad music because it fits my mood,
and noticing it's only making things worse,
Why is it so hard for you to understand
That I have feelings for you and can't live without?
Wondering if you'll ever take the time to read my emotions or even this poem I wrote on you?
I realise I may have gotten too liberal with my suggestions. But they're purely my own unprofessional opinion, so only take what you think helps.
I must add how I found the bulletins fascinating! It's certainly a creative choice, even if slightly childish. But for some reason, I think that's a metaphor of it's own, representing the narrator's naivity when the lover broke their heart </3
This was a pleasure to read, thanks for sharing! I hope you're doing well in life, my best wishes. Hopefully you return someday to see this~
Love, Alex
First off, AMAZING poem. You did an excellent job conveying emotion, which is my favorite thing to see in poetry. Here are some mistakes that I noticed and my full review of your impressive poem!
) The line "and noticing it is only making things worse" should be punctuated with a period instead of a comma, I personally don't think a comma is necessary here because the next line is a new question. "Feelings" in the next line is accidentally spelt with 3 e's instead of two. You are also missing the apostrophe in "can't"
In the second line, the "W" in "why" should be capitalized because it is a new question being asked, same thing with the 3rd line. Not sure if that was intentional, but a capital "W" is the correct grammar. (if it is intentional and you have reason for it, ignore me.
Overall, this is a great poem, and I really enjoyed it! I too make grammar mistakes in my poetry, so don't worry too much about that. My corrections are only for review purposes. When I read poetry, I don't typically notice the grammar mistakes. I pay more attention to the meaning of the poem and the emotions it conveys. Keep writing!!
I really like this poem, but there are a some mistakes. I think "as" should be "has" and the sentence
"and noticing it's only is making things worse," I think is backwards, but I don't know for sure. And you might want to change "emothions" to emotions. I know you probably didn't mean to make these
mistakes, but I'm just telling you so you can fix them. I really did like this poem though.
Thanks and Thank you. I also Like this poem.