I see a light, do you see it?
Do you see the light?
It's so dark other than the spot of light I see,
the ground is so hot it feel's like I'm walking on burning coal,
my surroundings are pitch black I can't see a thing right now,
the light is back, I see a light,
Do you see the light? Can you see it?
It's calling my name do I follow it or do I step into it?
what do I do?
I see a light, Do you see it?
the ground is getting hotter my feet are now killing me,
my surroundings are smothering me,
I smell smoke, I no longer see the light,
"am I okay what is going on where am I?"
Am I alive? I see the light again,
Can you see it?
I now awake to realize I am an angel.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I like this!
I seem like I have said this to a lot people today, but this kind of relates to the novel I am writing. This girl has a tattoo of a circle behind here ear to represent the circle of life. For example, if a person dies, the world doesn't just stop because the person died, it keeps on going and life moves on. See what I mean by this relating to your book?
But I am kind of confused with the last line. Is she literally or figuratively an angel? You don't actually have to put the answer into your poem. I would just like to know!
Keep up the work, and remember to review more so that you can get points and stars!
figuratively
I don‘t mind this poem but it is dragged down by missing commas all over the place. Re-read and you‘ll probably see. I‘m probably being harsh becase I don‘t often spot grammar isues in people‘s work, this seemed more blatant to me which might be why I‘m not the only one who mentioned it. Lack of commas (or lack of punctuation in general) only really works if it is done for effect but I don‘t think this is the case because I can see some lines with commas in them. If it was done for effect it doesn‘t look that way to me.
One last nitpick: in the last line it should be ‘an angel` not ‘a angel` because angel begins with a vowel.
Now, on to the good stuff. You use a lot of repetition to reinforce the image of the light, making it very easy to picture for the reader. The repetition of ‘can you see it?` gives an impression of denial, the speaker wants to believe the best but, as readers, we can tell what the light means from the first. I love the use of repetition as a device, especially in poetry but I feel like I should warn you about overusing it because that will also not help your work.
I loved ‘ the ground is so hot it feels like I‘m walking on burning coal` because it‘s quite descriptive and it‘s a SENSE. I can really imagine that feeling on my feet. Also it struck me as a reference to hell due to the burning and the fact it‘s the floor doing so. The poem is about death so - well, why not? The fact that the speaker becomes an angel at the end resolves this, he/she has gone to heaven, nice touch!
I‘m sorry if I seem harsh. I‘ll have to read some of your other works as this may not do you justice. I have some works that are better than others as well.
Good luck. Don‘t give up.
Wow, what a great, descriptive poem!
There are a few minor changes that need to be made.
In the third line, it should be "it's so dark other THAN the spot of light I see"
Also, you should keep the poem consistent with either all lines starting off with capital letters or lowercase, rather than switching back and forth.
The 14th line is missing commas: "am I okay what is going on where am I?" You should place them after every phrase.
I absolutely love how thought provoking the poem is though. Keep up the good work! Just revise it a little more.