Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Wonderful

by loveissourgrapes


Sounds of footsteps on the hollow wooden floor echo through the hallway. Sam, my little 5-year-old brother walks in my room. 

  "Merry Christmas!" Sam says with a joyful tone. 

  "Merry Christmas, Sammy." I went to hug him. "So, what do you want to do on Christmas day?"

  "I wanna spend some time with you and Mommy and Daddy." His little eyes disappear as he smiles.

  "Aw, such a sweet little boy." I hug him tighter. 

  " So, how about you?" Sam asks.  "What do you wanna do to on Christmas?" 

  "I'm going to finish the story I'm writing and have a wonderful Christmas with my wonderful family." I smile at him.

  " Oh, okay. But can you please play with me and Mommy outside? Snow ball fight!" He raises his fist. 

  "Yes, I will, you heard me say I wanna spend a wonderful Christmas with you guys, right?"

  He laughs again. "I just wanted to hear you say that we're wonderful again."

  I loosen my grip on him.

  "Sammy!" Mom calls out for him.

  "Mommy?" Sam lets go and goes to her. 

  I continue to write my story. 

  Well, since I stuck in my home, unable to go out out? I am having writer's block. Humph, what should I write about? This wonderful Christmas with my family and Sammy being the sweetest and kindest boy I've ever met? I thought. 

  I sigh. What should I write about?

  I open a document in my laptop to write the ideas I thought for my story. I type out: A girl thinks of writing a story on Christmas day.

I thought. This could be a short story. Okay, let's search about how many words should be in a short story.

  I read out loud in a silent voice. "Well, it can be 100 words or you can stretch it whatever you like but a one shot should have no chapters, or can be also called a short story."

  I thought. I've got an idea. I'll add whatever Sammy told me before this then write whatever my story is actually suppose be. Yay! perfect.

  I type down whatever Sammy said to me earlier. A young girl writes her story as the winter dew falls down her window. As the wind rushes otuside, she went into her own world. 

  She thinks about her future and how will she find it. With her clever mind and soul she says to her brother, "Sammy, I am currently writing a story and it is about life. Well, life is like making a story. When you make a story, you have mistakes, tons of drafts until you choose your final and best draft. It also includes polishing."

  "Cool!" Sam exclaims, since he is always like whenever she tells something like to him. "Tell me more!"

  "Okay," she wears her winter coat. "There is the exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution. The exposition is you, a human being born and the growth of being an baby and tween. The rising action is you, a tween slowly becoming a teen. The climax is becoming an adult, where you, for example, are enjoying life and are successful. The falling action is the adult getting married and having children. Then the resolution is the adult being a senior and is an the state of old age. Some die. Some get to see their grandchildren and great grandchildren. This might seem easy but life always has hardship and sadness." 

  "That's a nice story. I really, raally, like it!" Sam grips her coat and gently tugs. "Can we play snowball fight in the story too?"

  "Of course, Sammy." She smiles at the younger boy, softly pinching his right cheek.

  "Cool! Now, can we play snowball fight in real life?"

  "Yes! Let's not keep Mom and Dad waiting."

  The door of my room is suddenly opened by someone. It's Mom.

 She says, "Sweetheart, Sam wants to play snowball fight outside and eat dinner after that. He's been waiting, so please come down."

  As I go down, Dad says, "Joy, what took you so long?" 

  "I was writing a story." My stomach growls as I see chocolate cake, pumpkin soup, carbonara, and fruit salad. "Sammy?"

"Yes?" He raises his head up. 

  "Can we eat first?" I ask, snatching a grape from the salad.

  "Wash your hands." Mom scolds me. 

  "Oh, sure." Sam smiles. "I'm hungry too."

  I wash my hands. 

  "Joy, Joy!" Sam runs to me. "Can we decorate the Christmas tree after eating, please?"

  "Okay, okay." I wipe my hands. "Let's eat!"

--------

  After eating we have some fun with the Christmas tree. The pretty red, gold, and silver balls crystals on the Christmas tree as they dangle. The star up the tree shines brighter than expected. Sam wears his boots and runs excitedly in the cold breeze outside as Mom and Dad watch us under the mistletoe and I run in the snow. 

What a wonderful Christmas and wonderful life You have given me!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
28 Reviews


Points: 133
Reviews: 28

Donate
Thu Jan 12, 2023 5:09 am
View Likes
ShallowHouse wrote a review...



Hi, Ina!

I might be late to the party, but better late than never, I say!

I love the picture in the beginning. The simplistic pattern of a green zigzag resembles the shape of a Christmas tree and if you look too much into it like I did, it oddly looks like frosting pattern on a sugar cookie.

Now on to the writing...
Honestly, it's a wholesome piece. It's about family on Christmas day, and everyone is excited to just enjoy it with the ones closest to you. The analogy between a human life and story structure sounds quite nice. Sam is quite adorable!

I'll have more to say but... is this on purpose?

Well, since I stuck in my home, unable to go out out?

The "I stuck" and "out out"

Other than that, it's a cohesive story that tells the ending way before it ends which is a difficult thing to do but I believe you've nailed it! Keep up the interesting stories!

<3 <3 <3






Hi and thank you for your review. Thank you for also noticing that sentence. It was a grammatical error. It was supposed to be, "Well, since I'm stuck in my home, unable to go out?" I appreciate that you enjoy it a lot! Have a good day/night.



User avatar
3850 Reviews


Points: 210016
Reviews: 3850

Donate
Fri Dec 09, 2022 2:04 pm
View Likes
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Another cute little story to add to the mix this one. I think you've managed to do an especially neat job with the dialogue in this one being quite adorable, but we do have a couple of points where it could do with a bit of improvement.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Sounds of footsteps on the hollow wooden floor echo through the hallway. Sam, my little 5-year-old brother walks in my room.

"Merry Christmas!" Sam says with a joyful tone.

"Merry Christmas, Sammy." I went to hug him. "So, what do you want to do on Christmas day?"

"I wanna spend some time with you and Mommy and Daddy." His little eyes disappear as he smiles.


Oooh well this is a lovely little start. It seems we're about to run into another one of these really soft tales here judging from your other work with the dog. Ahh, well let's see where this ends up.

"Aw, such a sweet little boy." I hug him tighter.

" So, how about you?" Sam asks. "What do you wanna do to on Christmas?"

"I'm going to finish the story I'm writing and have a wonderful Christmas with my wonderful family." I smile at him.

" Oh, okay. But can you please play with me and Mommy outside? Snow ball fight!" He raises his fist.

"Yes, I will, you heard me say I wanna spend a wonderful Christmas with you guys, right?"


Hmm well this is a lovely little interaction between the two here. You can tell this is an older sibling interacting with what seems like a significantly younger brother and the dialogue between the two here is simply adorable.

He laughs again. "I just wanted to hear you say that we're wonderful again."

I loosen my grip on him.

"Sammy!" Mom calls out for him.

"Mommy?" Sam lets go and goes to her.

I continue to write my story.


Well that interaction was officially too adorable to be true and I adored it thoroughly. I can't wait to see where else this take us now that we're about to focus more on just the elder sibling here.

Well, since I stuck in my home, unable to go out out? I am having writer's block. Humph, what should I write about? This wonderful Christmas with my family and Sammy being the sweetest and kindest boy I've ever met? I thought.

I sigh. What should I write about?

I open a document in my laptop to write the ideas I thought for my story. I type out: A girl thinks of writing a story on Christmas day.

I thought. This could be a short story. Okay, let's search about how many words should be in a short story.


Okay well I don't know if this is somehow meant to be a bit of an inception situation to have a short story written about a person who is writing a short story about a...well that goes on for some time there. Besides that moment there which definitely catches one's attention I do also love that we're focusing a little more on the this person here and introducing a few struggles into the mix here. I think its a nice addition to make this story feel a bit more real.

I read out loud in a silent voice. "Well, it can be 100 words or you can stretch it whatever you like but a one shot should have no chapters, or can be also called a short story."

I thought. I've got an idea. I'll add whatever Sammy told me before this then write whatever my story is actually suppose be. Yay! perfect.

I type down whatever Sammy said to me earlier. A young girl writes her story as the winter dew falls down her window. As the wind rushes otuside, she went into her own world.


Well that seems like a pretty good idea to try and overcome the old writer's block there. I'm definitely rooting for our protagonist here to pull this off here. I think we've seen enough to be able to have some faith in their abilities here.

She thinks about her future and how will she find it. With her clever mind and soul she says to her brother, "Sammy, I am currently writing a story and it is about life. Well, life is like making a story. When you make a story, you have mistakes, tons of drafts until you choose your final and best draft. It also includes polishing."


"Cool!" Sam exclaims, since he is always like whenever she tells something like to him. "Tell me more!"


"Okay," she wears her winter coat. "There is the exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution. The exposition is you, a human being born and the growth of being an baby and tween. The rising action is you, a tween slowly becoming a teen. The climax is becoming an adult, where you, for example, are enjoying life and are successful. The falling action is the adult getting married and having children. Then the resolution is the adult being a senior and is an the state of old age. Some die. Some get to see their grandchildren and great grandchildren. This might seem easy but life always has hardship and sadness."


OOoh well that's certainly an interesting take on a story here. I don't believe I've ever really seen a story being viewed through quite that lens before. It definitely introduces a new perspective to things which is quite the feat given that doesn't really even seem to be the main focus of this particular story.

"That's a nice story. I really, raally, like it!" Sam grips her coat and gently tugs. "Can we play snowball fight in the story too?"


"Of course, Sammy." She smiles at the younger boy, softly pinching his right cheek.


"Cool! Now, can we play snowball fight in real life?"


"Yes! Let's not keep Mom and Dad waiting."

The door of my room is suddenly opened by someone. It's Mom.


Okay well it seems we're back to the cute dialogue and the snowball fight situation that we started with earlier. The transition to that is a bit iffy there, I feel like you should make this scene come up just a tad bit smoother than that, but for the most part I think you've done quite well here.

She says, "Sweetheart, Sam wants to play snowball fight outside and eat dinner after that. He's been waiting, so please come down."

As I go down, Dad says, "Joy, what took you so long?"

"I was writing a story." My stomach growls as I see chocolate cake, pumpkin soup, carbonara, and fruit salad. "Sammy?"


Well that worked out well enough I think. We've got ourselves quite a strong sure for this little scene here, and it is proving to be just as adorable as I thought it would end up being here.

"Yes?" He raises his head up.

"Can we eat first?" I ask, snatching a grape from the salad.

"Wash your hands." Mom scolds me.

"Oh, sure." Sam smiles. "I'm hungry too."

I wash my hands.

"Joy, Joy!" Sam runs to me. "Can we decorate the Christmas tree after eating, please?"

"Okay, okay." I wipe my hands. "Let's eat!"


Okay I feel like that one just kind of very quickly skipped past the idea of the snowball fight in favor of food, but then again it does make sense for this particular progression that we've got here given it does seem like there's also some pretty good food there.

After eating we have some fun with the Christmas tree. The pretty red, gold, and silver balls crystals on the Christmas tree as they dangle. The star up the tree shines brighter than expected. Sam wears his boots and runs excitedly in the cold breeze outside as Mom and Dad watch us under the mistletoe and I run in the snow.

What a wonderful Christmas and wonderful life You have given me!


Okayy seems a bit rushed there towards the ending compared to the kind of pace that we had earlier but I think for this part this one does work out mostly okay here so I'm not really finding myself exactly complaining here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, we've got ourselves a pretty strong little piece here I think. You've done quite well to bring a nice little scene to life here with some actually interesting insights in the mysteries of writer's block thrown in there too.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you for your review! And stay safe as well^^



User avatar
18 Reviews


Points: 57
Reviews: 18

Donate
Fri Dec 02, 2022 3:37 pm
View Likes
ccarson wrote a review...



---Cleo Speaking

Very nice! I like how you properly formatted the dialogue! Most writers don't realize that every time a different character speaks, it's a new paragraph in the story. I also like that it involves one of my favorite holidays, Christmas! Nice work,

-Cleo Carson-
-[REDACTED] County Sheriff's Office.-






Thank you Cleo!



User avatar
436 Reviews


Points: 20490
Reviews: 436

Donate
Thu Dec 01, 2022 2:45 pm
View Likes
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there! Lim here with a review.

First Impressions

This was a heartwarming story! I thought it was a nice surprise how the main event turned out to be the character writing a story within a story. Usually I don’t expect that from stories that start out being about Christmas.

I think one of the messages is that real life mirrors storytelling, or maybe the other way around? Maybe also the love of family. The fact that Joy is able to write out what her family members will do in the story before similar things happen in real life shows how familiar she is with her family.

Descriptions

Something I liked was the descriptions you added of the characters’ expressions and actions as they talked. They really seem so lively and animated, which adds to the cuteness of the story. I also enjoyed the details you put in about the family’s home and the food they were having on Christmas day. Those made the scene more interesting and immersive.

I thought the first sentence of the story had a good use of descriptions in particular. The “sounds of footsteps” in a hallway set up how the story takes place in someone’s house, and the phrase “hollow wooden floor” also paints a vivid picture of how the footsteps sounded like.

Consistency

Something I think could be improved is the use of different tenses.

"Merry Christmas!" Sam says with a joyful tone.
"Merry Christmas, Sammy." I went to hug him. "So, what do you want to do on Christmas day?"

I was a bit confused reading this part, because most of the story is written in present tense, like “says” in this quote. However, some parts use past tense without the time of the event being different (such as the “went” in the quote).
I thought. This could be a short story.

The “I thought” phrases were also written in past tense. I think it would make the story flow better if the use of tense was more consistent, for example if you wrote everything in the present tense, or if you made everything in the ‘real world’ to be in present tense while Joy’s story is in past tense.

Now this second thing is more of a suggestion, but I thought it would have been nice for the ending to be a bit longer. I was kind of hoping to see more of life being compared to writing in the scene where they go out for their snowball fight. Maybe some ‘exposition’ happens for young Sam, like discovering a love for snowpeople?

Plot

I liked how you related the events in Joy’s story to the events actually happening in her life, such as Sammy talking about snowball fights in her writing just after he mentioned it in real life.
I thought. I've got an idea. I'll add whatever Sammy told me before this then write whatever my story is actually suppose be.

^This line made me smile when I realised how the story was going to work! I’m not sure if you intended this, but my thought is that this work itself is meant to be ‘written by Joy’, since she said she added in Sam’s initial dialogue to the beginning.

I also liked how the ‘writing advice’ part of the story was brought in. The way you slowly build up Joy’s writing process makes this work interesting to read for writers, who can surely relate to how she came up with ideas and looked up how long a ‘short story’ should be.

Overall

This was an enjoyable read! It definitely subverted my expectations, which makes for a memorable story. If you’re thinking of editing this story or of improving the next one you write, my main suggestions in this review would be to watch out for those tense changes and to flesh out the ending a little more.

Hope this helps! If anything I said wasn’t clear, feel free to ask me some questions!
-Lim






Hi Lim! Thank you so much for your review. I like how these people in this site help me improve on my writing skills. It is such a nice experience as a first time user of YWS. How do you edit a story you've posted or can that happen? Once again, thank you Lim. You've been helping me since, I appreciate your help!



Liminality says...


You're very welcome! I'm glad you're enjoying the site! You can edit your works by clicking on the 'edit work' button under 'Tools' on the right-hand side of the screen, that is, when you are on the work's page. You can also edit by clicking the 'Publishing Center' and then clicking your work when it appears. Hope that works!



User avatar
518 Reviews


Points: 101
Reviews: 518

Donate
Thu Dec 01, 2022 1:02 pm
View Likes
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



I’d thought I’d ought to go and check this story out. I like it! It’s very simple and cute. I like the ending, when Joy and her family are decorating the Christmas tree together. The descriptions of the ornaments were really nice too. I could just picture them sparkling on the Christmas tree for all to come enjoy and see. It seems to to me that Joy had a wonderful Christmas!

I wish you a lovely day/night.






Thank you for your review!



User avatar
1154 Reviews


Points: 133174
Reviews: 1154

Donate
Thu Dec 01, 2022 1:59 am
View Likes
lliyah says...



Hi there! I saw this was your first YWS work posted so thought I'd leave just a quick comment for you!

What a joyful, fun, Christmas story! Thanks for sharing, terrific job with your first work here! I think I'd like to see a little bit more between the character's dynamics and maybe slightly more plot or conflict to move the story along.

The format of a story within a story was pretty interesting and unexpected.

Your descriptive elements were quite nice especially the little paragraph at the end with the vivid descriptions of the Christmas tree.

Never stop writing!

alliyah






Thank you!




Why do we only rest in peace? Why don't we live in peace too?
— Alison Billet