Cold September comforts me and throughout the night, I think of thoughts that ease my mind. I think of the stars that shine at night. I think of the beautiful galaxy and the celestial glow blinding your eyes. I remember once I met a kind person in my sleep who said to me that when I sleep, I float up through the Milky Way and up to paradise.
In the midst of the city, when everyone is sleeping, that person will come and visit me. He will give me a little sweet dream. He is a faceless, mysterious, kind person who will ease my mind in the dark, cold midnight. His voice is very breathy and deep. It will run through both of my ears. I hope, one day or a day away, he and I will go stay in paradise forever.
You are the thoughts that ease my mind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKayyy well this is the sort of thing that leaves you thinking here. For a piece that is quite this small, this one really manages to hit home quite powerfully with us as readers. I think you've really managed to make the maximum use of these few words to really back in quite a lot of oomph into the equation here, and the sort that you really don't tend to run into all that often.
So diving into this a little deeper, we've got so much to see here. For starters you have to wonder who this being discussed is. Something tells me its almost a metaphor for sleep itself or actually perhaps more of a personification of a dream sort of thing, but then this could also just as easily refer to a ghost and I love just how open to interpretation that manages to be.
Of course when we get to the idea of the paradise you then finally realize this entity is more of a malicious nature than it is peaceful and suddenly there's a whole different reason for us to be pretty worried about what's happening here. I think that little bit of a reveal being at the very end works perfectly here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall a rather potent story here for how short it is. I really found myself thinking through this a lot more than I expected to and that was a pleasant surprise. I honestly don't know if even now I've really grasped the full extend of the meaning here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you for your review!
hey, love this!
I love how you describe night-time and sleep, it's beautiful.
seen as how you're describing something that often occurs you could maybe use 'in my sleep he says to me' instead of said.
i loved the way you described the mysterious man, it reminds me of a nighttime song my mum used to sing, so thankyou for re-writing that memory for me :')
Thank you!
-Cleo Carson speaking
Wow! When I started reading, this kinda reminded me of the song "These are a few of my Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music." I'm not quite sure why, but it just did. Honestly I love the message being conveyed, as well as just the way it sounds being read aloud. I think you should turn this into a poem.
-Corp. C. Carson
-[REDACTED] County Sheriff's Office
Thank you Cleo!
This is really good! I love the dramatics!
I would suggest not using the same word so close together in the same sentence? I propose using the word 'slumber', or any other word you can think of, for the second time it says sleep. It's just a recommendation but it would make it be a bit more smooth.
Overall this was a great story, I really enjoyed it. I just saw a few minor indifferences.
Thank you for your review!
Love the imagery!