Young Writers Society

Hi, Ina!

I might be late to the party, but better late than never, I say!

I love the picture in the beginning. The simplistic pattern of a green zigzag resembles the shape of a Christmas tree and if you look too much into it like I did, it oddly looks like frosting pattern on a sugar cookie.

Now on to the writing...
Honestly, it's a wholesome piece. It's about family on Christmas day, and everyone is excited to just enjoy it with the ones closest to you. The analogy between a human life and story structure sounds quite nice. Sam is quite adorable!

I'll have more to say but... is this on purpose?

Well, since I stuck in my home, unable to go out out?

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Another cute little story to add to the mix this one. I think you've managed to do an especially neat job with the dialogue in this one being quite adorable, but we do have a couple of points where it could do with a bit of improvement.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Sounds of footsteps on the hollow wooden floor echo through the hallway. Sam, my little 5-year-old brother walks in my room.

"Merry Christmas!" Sam says with a joyful tone.

"Merry Christmas, Sammy." I went to hug him. "So, what do you want to do on Christmas day?"

"I wanna spend some time with you and Mommy and Daddy." His little eyes disappear as he smiles.

"Aw, such a sweet little boy." I hug him tighter.

" So, how about you?" Sam asks. "What do you wanna do to on Christmas?"

"I'm going to finish the story I'm writing and have a wonderful Christmas with my wonderful family." I smile at him.

" Oh, okay. But can you please play with me and Mommy outside? Snow ball fight!" He raises his fist.

"Yes, I will, you heard me say I wanna spend a wonderful Christmas with you guys, right?"

He laughs again. "I just wanted to hear you say that we're wonderful again."

I loosen my grip on him.

"Sammy!" Mom calls out for him.

"Mommy?" Sam lets go and goes to her.

I continue to write my story.

Well, since I stuck in my home, unable to go out out? I am having writer's block. Humph, what should I write about? This wonderful Christmas with my family and Sammy being the sweetest and kindest boy I've ever met? I thought.

I sigh. What should I write about?

I open a document in my laptop to write the ideas I thought for my story. I type out: A girl thinks of writing a story on Christmas day.

I thought. This could be a short story. Okay, let's search about how many words should be in a short story.

I read out loud in a silent voice. "Well, it can be 100 words or you can stretch it whatever you like but a one shot should have no chapters, or can be also called a short story."

I thought. I've got an idea. I'll add whatever Sammy told me before this then write whatever my story is actually suppose be. Yay! perfect.

I type down whatever Sammy said to me earlier. A young girl writes her story as the winter dew falls down her window. As the wind rushes otuside, she went into her own world.

She thinks about her future and how will she find it. With her clever mind and soul she says to her brother, "Sammy, I am currently writing a story and it is about life. Well, life is like making a story. When you make a story, you have mistakes, tons of drafts until you choose your final and best draft. It also includes polishing."


"Cool!" Sam exclaims, since he is always like whenever she tells something like to him. "Tell me more!"


"Okay," she wears her winter coat. "There is the exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution. The exposition is you, a human being born and the growth of being an baby and tween. The rising action is you, a tween slowly becoming a teen. The climax is becoming an adult, where you, for example, are enjoying life and are successful. The falling action is the adult getting married and having children. Then the resolution is the adult being a senior and is an the state of old age. Some die. Some get to see their grandchildren and great grandchildren. This might seem easy but life always has hardship and sadness."

"That's a nice story. I really, raally, like it!" Sam grips her coat and gently tugs. "Can we play snowball fight in the story too?"


"Of course, Sammy." She smiles at the younger boy, softly pinching his right cheek.


"Cool! Now, can we play snowball fight in real life?"


"Yes! Let's not keep Mom and Dad waiting."

The door of my room is suddenly opened by someone. It's Mom.

She says, "Sweetheart, Sam wants to play snowball fight outside and eat dinner after that. He's been waiting, so please come down."

As I go down, Dad says, "Joy, what took you so long?"

"I was writing a story." My stomach growls as I see chocolate cake, pumpkin soup, carbonara, and fruit salad. "Sammy?"

"Yes?" He raises his head up.

"Can we eat first?" I ask, snatching a grape from the salad.

"Wash your hands." Mom scolds me.

"Oh, sure." Sam smiles. "I'm hungry too."

I wash my hands.

"Joy, Joy!" Sam runs to me. "Can we decorate the Christmas tree after eating, please?"

"Okay, okay." I wipe my hands. "Let's eat!"

After eating we have some fun with the Christmas tree. The pretty red, gold, and silver balls crystals on the Christmas tree as they dangle. The star up the tree shines brighter than expected. Sam wears his boots and runs excitedly in the cold breeze outside as Mom and Dad watch us under the mistletoe and I run in the snow.

What a wonderful Christmas and wonderful life You have given me!

---Cleo Speaking

Very nice! I like how you properly formatted the dialogue! Most writers don't realize that every time a different character speaks, it's a new paragraph in the story. I also like that it involves one of my favorite holidays, Christmas! Nice work,

-Cleo Carson-
-[REDACTED] County Sheriff's Office.-

Hi there! Lim here with a review.

First Impressions

This was a heartwarming story! I thought it was a nice surprise how the main event turned out to be the character writing a story within a story. Usually I don’t expect that from stories that start out being about Christmas.

I think one of the messages is that real life mirrors storytelling, or maybe the other way around? Maybe also the love of family. The fact that Joy is able to write out what her family members will do in the story before similar things happen in real life shows how familiar she is with her family.

Descriptions

Something I liked was the descriptions you added of the characters’ expressions and actions as they talked. They really seem so lively and animated, which adds to the cuteness of the story. I also enjoyed the details you put in about the family’s home and the food they were having on Christmas day. Those made the scene more interesting and immersive.

I thought the first sentence of the story had a good use of descriptions in particular. The “sounds of footsteps” in a hallway set up how the story takes place in someone’s house, and the phrase “hollow wooden floor” also paints a vivid picture of how the footsteps sounded like.

Consistency

Something I think could be improved is the use of different tenses.

"Merry Christmas!" Sam says with a joyful tone.
"Merry Christmas, Sammy." I went to hug him. "So, what do you want to do on Christmas day?"

I thought. This could be a short story.

I thought. I've got an idea. I'll add whatever Sammy told me before this then write whatever my story is actually suppose be.

I’d thought I’d ought to go and check this story out. I like it! It’s very simple and cute. I like the ending, when Joy and her family are decorating the Christmas tree together. The descriptions of the ornaments were really nice too. I could just picture them sparkling on the Christmas tree for all to come enjoy and see. It seems to to me that Joy had a wonderful Christmas!

I wish you a lovely day/night.

Hi there! I saw this was your first YWS work posted so thought I'd leave just a quick comment for you!

What a joyful, fun, Christmas story! Thanks for sharing, terrific job with your first work here! I think I'd like to see a little bit more between the character's dynamics and maybe slightly more plot or conflict to move the story along.

The format of a story within a story was pretty interesting and unexpected.

Your descriptive elements were quite nice especially the little paragraph at the end with the vivid descriptions of the Christmas tree.

Never stop writing!

alliyah