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by AkuRashomon

A friend loves you 

And will comfort you when you're blue

A friend is sweet like apple pie

And will help you when you sigh.

A friend will do things for you

A friend will help stop your tears

A friend will bicker with you too

A friend will help you with your fears

A friend is a great person you've never knew

A friend will support whatever you want 

And will know more than your aunt

Will my friend be you?

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1231 Reviews

Points: 144350
Reviews: 1231

Sun Jan 29, 2023 1:29 am
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alliyah wrote a review...

Hi there @loveissourgrapes! This is a very adorable poem and I can very much imagine the speaker giving the poem to a close friend and them just loving it. It's sweet that you dedicated it to your YWS friends as well in the literary description.

Here's some of my comments -

In all writing Word Choice can really make the difference between a good piece and a fabulous piece and this is especially so in poetry where fewer words are used than in prose!

To have a good word choice it's important for your descriptions to fit in the same imagery/theme family (ie. if you are writing about cooking, you don't want to suddenly have a metaphor about space or sports because it feels confusing and inconsistent) and to have good word choice you also want to be specific and use the best word for the job, staying away from "filler" or "generic" words when possible.

I think for the most part you did a nice job of using strong words to make your poetry stick, but there were a few places I thought maybe the word was a bit generic:

"A friend is a great person you've never knew" <- here I think "great" could be replaced with a stronger more specific adjective.

"A friend will do things for you" <- here again, I'm not sure what "things" you're talking about, the word doesn't give me any new information as a reader, so maybe could be replaced with a more specific word or phrase.

Other generic words that one should usually stay away from: good / bad, alright, cool, small, big...

I thought one thing you did great with in this poem was your use of Repetition by repeating the "A friend..." many times but also adding a few times in the poem where you broke the repetition to add interest like in the final line. That helped keep the poem fresh, and cemented in the idea of what the poem was about. Good technique!

I like your Metaphor that a good friend is "sweet like apple pie" but I wonder if that could even be expanded a bit more! The phrase "sweet like apple pie" is a pretty common metaphor, but adding a little more information or description on how that applies specifically to this scenario I think would bring the poem to the next level.

Overall the phrasing, grammar, and spelling seemed pretty consistent throughout and I didn't find any issues outside of one line I wasn't sure of "You've never knew" should be "you've never known" I think.

Thanks for sharing your poem, and I hope you found this review helpful! Keep on writing and sharing your poems! :)


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1155 Reviews

Points: 297
Reviews: 1155

Fri Jan 20, 2023 3:28 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...

Yee this is so sweet. :D Friends really are an important and wonderful factor. I like how you described a friend knowing more than an Aunt, because truthfully one would want a friend to know them better than anyone else. Anyone in this world could be a potential enemy, friend, or even frenemy. But no one will ever know unless they put themselves out there. I liked reading this.

I wish you a wonderful day/night.

AkuRashomon says...

Thank you for your review!

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Points: 107
Reviews: 3

Wed Jan 18, 2023 9:18 pm
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PapaSupremacy wrote a review...

Hi! PapaSupremacy here for a review :)
This was a sweet little poem! I could definitely see this being on a plaque somewhere in a house. Its simple, its sweet, it has a good message... overall a good poem!
The rhyme scheme was a bit all over the place. It went from an AABB scheme to ABAB from the other two thirds. Its not that bad, but it would be a bit better if it was consistent. Im not perfect at it either so don't feel bad about it at all 😅
Besides that, great poem! The theme was clear, there was a lot of good examples in it of what a friend is.
Thats all from me! PapaSupremacy out :)

AkuRashomon says...

Thank you!

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Points: 38
Reviews: 1

Wed Jan 18, 2023 5:01 pm
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unseasonedwriter says...

i think it’s a cute little poem:) can’t wait to check out more of your work!

AkuRashomon says...

Thank you!

It's not nice to roast people when they're out of comebacks.
— Tuckster