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primadonna girl

by Rosella


love you Rachel <3


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Mon May 01, 2017 4:52 pm
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Lumi wrote a review...



honeymoon!

This is incredibly sweet, a narrative that takes us through a beautiful friendship that recounts only good memories. I understand the desire to do this as a birthday gift--exploring only the positive--but I'm curious as to the outcome of the poem, the emotional impact, if you'd explored some contrasting emotions as well. How do emotions compare, after all, when they have their opposites to talk to?

That said, the biggest thing to work on here is flow. The whitespace and line breaks are generally good choices, but the sentence structure is repetitive and gets a bit sluggish later on in the poem. That is to say that it's the natural "Noun verb adjective blah blah blah" that we use for academic papers. And even then, I believe it should be changed up. I believe it can be much more potent if changed up here and there. Experiment with this.

I love the references and the in-jokes, but I would certainly attempt the contrasting emotions and structure changes.

Hope this helps!
Ty

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Rosella says...


thank you Lumi for the review!



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Mon May 01, 2017 4:50 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Dino here for a short review!

I like these types of poems mainly because they show how much you kind of care for the person. In this case, I think you show your caring towards your friend in such a nice little manner with a lot of different things you guys seem to do together, which I think is nifty. However, while I do like this type of poem, I think you could've done it little better. I do believe that this poem is all for fun and games but you seem to spread your ideas out for too long and often times that could drag away from the main idea of this poem. If anything, focus on the important ideas that can bring forth your main point of this poem.
Another thing that kind of stuck out to me would be the different meters you have throughout this whole thing. In some parts it felt a big chunky while in some other parts, it was more understanding.

For example:

Today is your birthday- sweet 16th to be exact.
so this shall be your special day.


For some reason, when I read this aloud, it felt a little awkward. I think it might be the "shall be" part of this. While I do like that type of wording, it might be best to just say "so let's make today your special day" or something similar.

I did enjoy this poem greatly. More importantly, it does show how much you love your friend to write a poem about them.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Dino

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Rosella says...


thank you!



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Mon May 01, 2017 4:38 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there primadonna. Greetings from the After Watch shift. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I used to see a lot of these type of poems pop up in the green room but then they slowed down. I sort of liked it, to the point where I would even say that this was more tastefully done than most of the ones I've ever seen. So let's get ramblin'.

As far as flow goes, you do have punctuation so that's one less thing that I have to complain about but the formatting that you used makes some of the lines snag. I understand somewhat the need for the differencing in formatting, I think it's just to sort of say the main thing and then move into a sub idea and further explanation. But when you're doing that, it's making the lines spread out of place and making it stick as the reader tries to find the starting point for the next thought. I like the style, you may just want to experiment around with a bit more to find the perfect balance of separation but not too far away.

You also seem to stretch the thoughts out a bit too much or connect them unnecessarily. Take the sentence that runs for five lines, it could have easily been split into two and I think that perhaps it's really two thoughts. It's more connected to the things you say later on in the way they're all things you obsess over. That idea being said though, you would have to change out a bit of the formatting because all of the new sentences start at no spaces in. I'm sort of thinking of the sub lines as bullet points but in that way, they're not really like bullet points, are they? That's really the closest thing I can find in comparison.

It is a very touching and heartfelt poem which I'm sure was appreciated. As an overall comment, let's say I liked it. At certain bits it would snag and catch me up but perhaps just a bit of reordering would be useful. That's really all I've got to say and I'll leave the rest of this here for a more poetry focused person.

Have a nice day.
~Lady Lizz

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Rosella says...


thank you!



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Mon May 01, 2017 3:20 pm
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Charm says...



B********H <3 thank you so much Gilly you are so sweet <3





Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
— Mark Twain