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Who I Am.

by Rosella



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Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:00 am
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello. Here as requested. Thanks for being review number 1250!

So, we have a basic self love poem. Not a bad piece of poetry to write, especially in high school. These sorts of attitudes are hard to cultivate (I'm still doing that, and I'm 25), but they're very worthwhile to cultivate, and hold onto that desire to be yourself.

That being said, this is posted on YWS for critique on its poetic merit. As such, I will critique it on poetic merit.

As I said at the start, this is a basic self love poem, and I very much mean "basic."

Everything is said in a very straightforward manner, without the layers and without the narrative that is often the hallmark of poetry. Each stanza is self contained, with its own individual metaphor and no thread tying it together in the true sense— yes, every stanza reflects some sort of art, and every stanza reaffirms the importance of the narrator, but in terms of a poetic cohesiveness there's something missing.

I'd love a story to this. I think the strongest image in here is "I'm supposed to be the one taking pictures", because it has a yearning towards it and a sense of conflict instead of simply relying on affirmations. Having that image expanded out to reflect what you're getting at, maybe even including a fight of some sort between the person insisting on being the photographer and the one who's supposed to be taking pictures, would make this piece stick.

It would also expand the potential audience to this poem, because right now this poem is very narrator-centric without a lot of room for a person's own experiences. The examples are too specific for the lack of empty space (in the form of a narrative or situations, instead of focusing on the narrator exclusively); instead of letting us fill in the blanks or easily swapping out our own thoughts, we're boxed into the narrator's life. If we don't feel exactly this way, then the poem is, in essence, impossible to relate to.

All in all, keep forging this attitude until it's a badge of honour, but I'd revisit the poetic nature of the piece to make it more of a poem. Add a story, loosen it up, give us a conflict or setting we can relate to instead of locking us into the narrator. It'll be much stronger poetically once that happens.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




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Fri Dec 15, 2017 7:10 am
ItsYsaaa wrote a review...



Hello!! I just wanted to post this review, for I could surely relate (at some point) to every single word you've written. Personally, I know it hurts to expect others to make us happy or acknowledge our good deeds, and even all the things we do. A lot of people may not like us. A lot of people may not care, but that fact is a contributing factor to the beauty of our lives.

I hope you will continue writing poems like these. The subject you've chosen is very relevant to most. Your choice of words appealed to me. They drew a vivid picture in my mind. I hope you continue to write descriptive situations just like the ones you've mentioned. To be honest, you've already delivered a beautiful message to each and every one of us. If we want to see evident change, we must start loving ourselves. We must look beyond our imperfections and accept every flaw and weakness. Thank you so much for sharing your poem with us! Continue to be an inspiration and a great writer.




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Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:05 am
neptune wrote a review...



Hello, Rosella. I'll be reviewing your poem today, so let's get right into it!

I can tell this piece is very close to you and matters a lot, so I want to get my point across but still have this be your poem. Point is, I don't want to change it completely up through my suggestions. Because this poem is about you and the concept is surrounded on you and your growing self, it was very strong and powerful. I'm not sure how that is.
I see that the first three stanzas are strongest -- in my opinion. They seem to contain more metaphors/seem more poetic, in sense that the rest of the poem is almost just more literal and specific. For example, you go from

I am not a poster you can roll away and hide in your closet

to
I may be struggling in history but I know I will succeed in mathematics.

I'm not saying the more literal parts of this poem are bad, just that the transitioning could use more work. The fourth stanza mainly talks about academics and is really specific on your educational strengths/weaknesses. Now, I think that is a creative and nice idea to have in your poem, however (like I said before) the transitioning between the third and fourth stanza are needed.
But I am also a human that will decay into nothing one day
like everyone else in the whole dang world.

I feel like it's strange to have the word "dang" in this part; not just because it almost seems less poetic with that word use, but because if you want to emphasize how big the world is or the world in general I would use a different word. "dang" simply doesn't seem... fitting? I hope that makes at least a little sense.

I do really admire the format of your poem. It goes from who you won't be for people, to your weaknesses/strengths, and then to your "who I am" part. I seriously respect the work, effort, and time you put into this. I can tell it means a lot to you! In the time throughout the poem, though, it has a whole transformation, just as I'm sure you have in your life. It is very interesting.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. I hope this review helped somewhat.

neptune




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Thu Dec 07, 2017 1:26 am
LakeOfCancer wrote a review...



This was soooo spiritual to me. It's basically how I feel, I need to read this every day so that way I can remind myself that in order to change the darkness, I need to turn on my own light. Cause if I don't, I'll bring others down as the consequence. That's the message I got from that, and I loved it. I hope you create more things like this! It's inspired me to change in the slightest of ways that will make a big difference. Great job! Keep up the good work!:)




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Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:35 pm
HopeSummers101 wrote a review...



Hey, Mary here to do a review.

I love this poem. It talks about how we are our own people. Which I love, because I am most definitely my own, weird person. :)
My favorite lines are in the first stanza:
"I am not a painting you can create with fragments of your imagination.
Nor am I clay to be molded into who you want me to be"

You did such a good job in conveying this theme, of being yourself and not what someone else wants you to be. Your descriptions were amazing and your comparison with the garden was really well done and thought out.
I really love the line where you said a girl with a big heart for the Lord. You aren't afraid to share what you believe, and that's what makes a good writer.
Keep it up!




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Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:22 pm
Dreamworx95 wrote a review...



Hi Rosella, I enjoy the structure of this narrative poem. The format is very pleasing to the eye. There are a quite a few striking phrases throughout the piece:

I will not let people water my garden

I am not a book to be abandoned on a shelf

The narrator has a lot of resilience and candor, struggling to reconcile who she is with who the world wants her to be. Struggling to overcome the stresses of school. The final sentence is illuminating - she's relied on others to validate her and now she realizes she only needs her own validation.

Great little piece, thanks for sharing,

-Dream





'Hush, hush!' I whispered; 'people can have many cousins and of all sorts, Miss Cathy, without being any the worse for it; only they needn't keep their company, if they be disagreeable and bad.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights