I have all of these thoughts in my head,
Not enough are centered on you
And the curtains I let fall,
To hide all the tear drops,
Are starting to cover you, too.
And I can’t seem to clear my mind,
But it’s lonely without your hand in mine
But I’ll keep going,
Won’t think about you,
If I think, that you’ll be alright
***
There’s a mist on the windows, that I stared at for hours,
Thinking you were out there in the green
And I never said sorry,
For the lies and the folly,
And you probably think that I’m mean.
But I’ll keep to myself,
And I won’t tell a soul,
And I’ll pick at my nails,
Till they’re just little holes,
And I think that you’re probably long gone,
So I’ll keep to myself,
Let the burns turn to wells,
And crumple when I realize you’re gone.
I have all of these thoughts in my head,
Not enough are centered on you
And the curtains I let fall,
To hide all the tear drops,
Are starting to cover you, too.
There are memories I let go,
And promises I won’t know,
As you keep on slipping away.
But maybe it was me,
That escaped into the green,
Calling all of your love hate.
I have all these thoughts in my head,
Not enough are centered on you.
And the reasons I ponder,
And let myself wander,
I left all of my life with you.
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137,063 Literary Works • 671,927 Reviews
I confuse myself who this poem is for. I’m interested in interpretations of who the intended audience might be. I’ve written a lot of sad poems or songs (kinda similar to this post-breakup themed one), just sitting in my notes app. If you are interested in more, please like this comment.
From what I've gathered, it seems like the author is confusing hate for a past relationship(Whether it was platonic or romantic), with the guilt of it not working out. But, it also seems like the author is trying to force hate towards this person when all they feel is guilt. So, possibly this person cheated, or disrespected them in a way that made the author want to hate this person, but couldn't help but feel guilt towards them? I am not one to understand completely the meaning for poems since I didn't really pay attention to English when it came to stuff like this, but this is what I had gathered from this.
This is a very melancholy poem, seemingly about grief or perhaps unresolved guilt over the loss of someone, presumably a relationship, but it could also be about death? I like the format of the poem, like a long stream of consciousness, which makes the narrator seem like they are longing out into the nothingness.
A few little suggestions/improvements I noticed:
I think because the ending of the first two stanzas (you and too) rhyme, I was expecting the second two to rhyme (mine, alright), which they almost do, but it just threw me off a little.
The two lines ending in "gone" threw me off a little, and I see the impact of having that line stand out by itself, but since it doesn't recur in the poem, it seems a little too random.
Keep writing <3
From my understanding of this poem, the speaker seems to be trying move on from a failed relationship, while also thinking that the person they broke up with is better off without them. I got the impression that the speaker thinks their love for the other person might have been hate instead because their current thoughts do not focus on the other person as much as the speaker believes they should, if the speaker had truly loved the other person. The full meaning of this poem might be a bit unclear, but since this is an emotional poem rather than a plot-driven story, I think it is perfectly good the way it is. This is indeed a deep work and I really like it!
Hi, I'll be reviewing you work today!
Starting off, from what I'm able to ascertain, the first four stanzas are about losing/drifting apart from an old love, which caused you pain before. There's something weighing heave on the narrator's mind that's eclipsing his initial pain from the loss, now all he wants is the comfort of the 'old love'?
I like the mild rhyming, sets a very nice tone.
I recommend replacing nails with scabs, like ruminating again and again on the loss(wound) is like picking at the scab until a hole emerges.
I think you meant "welts"?
I went into this thinking it was a poem, but was pleasantly surprised when I checked it was a ballad. Won't this work be better suited to lyrics, tho? With the repetition of the stanzas like a song?
This set-up for the drifting apart is good.
I liked the establishment of "the green" as this metaphysical place people go to when love turns to confused hurt. When the narrator wonders if it was himself who wandered there, could it be that he thinks he was the one who was too hurt and blind to see the truth of each others' actions? If so, nicely written.
I didn't get this, is this a metaphor for overthinking, coping mechanisms, or something else?
Ohh I love this line; the narrator "wander"s into the green, leaving the truth of his life behind.
Overall, quite a nice work. The basic theme is understandable but I guess the pacing was a little....vague? I wasn't able to connect the narrator's confusion very well with their heartbreak, so maybe the language could be improved a little more there. The mild rhyming was well suited.
8.5/10