Bathwater

by gruzinkerbell

I have chestnut hair that flows to my back.

I have skin warmer than the sun.

I have laughter that will make you laugh back.

But the one thing I don’t have,

is true love.

Try as I might, I cannot stay pure.

Try as I might, you see me as a lure.

Please cast me away,

after all that I’ve done,

for one thing I don’t have,

is true love.

My mind goes back to the day when I was drenched in bathwater,

where the days grew old and the sun grew hotter.

I had chestnut hair slicked to my back.

I had a true love that I now lack.

I had eyes darker than the olives in the grove.

I became nothing but treasures untold.

Oh, forgive me, God, we both know not how we’ve hurt.

Hurt not just ourselves, but the other, they have burned.

I’ve begged for forgiveness,

That You may have heart,

but my lover knows more of mercy,

and all I want is to depart.

My mind goes back to the night after I soaked in bathwater,

When my prayers fell away and I dulled like copper.

I had a pure heart that was filled like a trove.

And you had emptied it, so I felt less like gold.

“What point is there in trying?” I would tell myself.

I could love two at once, and I could be held.

Soft whispers in the night of breaking promises,

Looking into your lovely irises,

“I’m just a girl,” I would tell myself,

“Breaking rules doesn’t mean I’m unwell.”

My mind goes back to the day when I was drenched with bathwater,

when you carried me away like a lamb to the slaughter.

______________________________________

Hello! There are a lot of side characters in the Bible with untold stories, and I really wanted to show the perspective of Bathsheba. Though I was hoping to give her a short story, I realized that her story in the Bible is more emotion than action, and I thought this would fit her well. For context, King David sees Bathsheba bathing and feels lust for her (btw, she's married to Uriah the Hittite). He then commits adultery with Bathsheba, and once she is revealed pregnant, he calls her husband from battle to care for her (I think- I need to look into it more). Uriah refuses to come back, so David has him killed and marries his now-widowed wife. We don't see a lot of Bathsheba in the Bible, but her and Uriah's stories are definitely worth exploring because there is more to King David than the story of Goliath. I hope you enjoyed this!

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Mon Sep 23, 2024 5:33 am

Iggy wrote a review...

Hi gruzinkerbell! Dropping by to give you a review. I don't usually review poetry, because I struggle to provide adequate feedback, but since alliyah has already provided you with a review, I will focus less on the poetry aspect and more on my overall opinion of the poem and what you might need to work on.

First off, I wanna say that I am not religious and do not know much about the stories in the Bible, minus the most popular ones (David and Goliath being one of them, of course), but this story sounds quite interesting. ~~by the way, the only Bathsheba I know of is the one from The Conjuring... don't google that... why did I have to be reminded of this at 10:20pm ahaha~~

Regardless of that, I was still intrigued by the poem's title + the description, so I figured I'd check this out!

This is a really good poem! Knowing the true meaning behind it just makes it so bittersweet, though. Knowing the reason why Bathsheba speaks the way she does in the poem, how she was just minding her own business when a man felt that he was owed something from her, that he simply could not control himself enough to just leave her alone. I feel her pain and her guilt, and the way she begged God to forgive her, as if it was her fault for simply existing, and for being a woman. I feel it because I know that pain, as a woman myself.

To be honest, I am not a fan of rhyme schemes. I prefer free-verse poetry. Because you were adhering to a rhyme, there are some lines that felt clunky and could have had an easier flow had you been able to expand on them, but then you would have ruined the rhyme scheme. However, there's nothing wrong with including rhyme and if that's how you feel comfortable writing poetry then that's just fine.

Despite that, I still think this poem was brilliant. I enjoyed your use of imagery in this and I especially enjoyed the repetition you used throughout the poem and the way that Bathsheba's pain began to show through.

These lines were especially dear to me:

My mind goes back to the night after I soaked in bathwater,
When my prayers fell away and I dulled like copper.

and

My mind goes back to the day when I was drenched with bathwater,

when you carried me away like a lamb to the slaughter.

These two were just *chefs kiss* sooo good.

Anyways, I hope this helped a bit! Best of luck with your writing endeavors.

~ Iggy

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Fri Sep 06, 2024 1:46 am

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alliyah wrote a review...

This was certainly a complicated poem emotionally to unpack!

So I have always interpreted this story in the Bible as David was the powerful one (literally the king) and that he was in the wrong - women are not sinful in existing within our own bodies, it's not her fault that David desired her when he was creepily spying on her while she was bathing. He pursued her and initiated the adultery, and whether she was a "consenting" party or not, one doesn't really have much choice as a woman being propositioned by the king in this case. In fact David did show he was willing to respond to violence to those who stood in his way. I don't think we get a clear indication on whether Bathsheba was a guilty party in this whole ordeal - if she somehow consented or encouraged David to betray her husband... but she certainly suffered and I would say is less at fault than David in the story.

Your poem brings to light extra questions about the emotions Bathsheba may have been wrestling with... guilt, shame, I think one could add fear and grief to the mix too - especially because the child she conceived with David ended up dying.

A few points of feedback -

Try as I might, you see me as a lure.

Please cast me away,

after all that I’ve done,

I have a hard time with those three lines as I think they're implying Bathsheba is guilty for being wanted sexually - which I don't see as something she's "done" or is "guilty" of. I think this could be a little bit interpreted as blaming the victim - or putting blame on women for having bodies which men might seek. Not sure ... these three lines just kind of made me feel hurt for Bathsheba and wishing I could tell her "It's not your fault that David creepily spied after you while you were in a vulnerable state!" Afterall ... no one expects people to be watching them while bathing, so I think Bathsheba should not be blamed for "luring" David in any intentional sort of way...

I had eyes darker than the olives in the grove.

^ Great middle eastern imagery - the reference to olives is very fitting for the region / time period! Nice!

Oh, forgive me, God, we both know not how we’ve hurt.

Hurt not just ourselves, but the other, they have burned.

The subject gets a little confusing here and in other spots because the speaker is addressing David as the "you" and then sometimes the "you" is God... I wonder if you could differentiate this a bit more to avoid confusion?

When my prayers fell away and I dulled like copper.

Wasn't quite sure about the "dulled" reference here - dulled like enthusiasm or beauty or intelligence? Maybe a bit more specificity there.

Overall I think you did a terrific job managing emotion, narrative, and rhyming! Really hard to balance altogether! I would focus in on maybe cleaning up whether the speaker is addressing David or God - for clarity. It would be super interesting to take this and contrast it with a Psalm from David more directly too! Just an idea for future writing maybe!

Thanks for making me think a little more about this Bible story! Keep on writing!

alliyah