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16+ Language

Finding Destiny (Chapter 12)

by gossipgirlxoxo


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Skylar's POV

I stir awake, my hand instinctively reaching over, but all I feel is cold sheets, startled my eyes flutter open. Cole is gone. I sit upright, rubbing my eyes with my hands and taking in my surroundings. I notice a folded up piece of paper and pad my way towards it. I run my finger over the ink etched across the front, Sky. I unfold the paper and read the note. I glance at the clock realizing it's 11:00 pm and find my way back to the bed, note still in hand. 

"Meet me where we met."

I think back to that day and I feel suffocated, like somehow right now the water is going to take me away. Before I can overthink it I set the note on the bedside table and lie back down in bed, tossing and turning for the rest of the night. When it's finally morning I throw on an old grey sweater and some ripped jeans along with my black converse and make my way down the stair and out the door, careful not to make too much noise as to get an inquisition from my parents. Once I'm safely out the door I start towards the beach.

Cole's POV

I'm sitting on the beach, picking up pebbles and turning them over in my hand, feeling each bump and ridge before I toss it across the water. My legs keep tapping on the floor like a jackhammer and I try to settle down when I notice her rounding the corner and making her way towards me. Her long wavy hair blowing in the breeze, the goosebumps pricking her forearms. In that moment all I can think about it taking her in my arms and kissing away the chill, wrapping her up in me where we can stay like that forever.

"Hi" It comes out small, almost a whisper and just like that I'm slipped away from my daydream.

I motion her to the spot beside me and she sits down, turning her body towards me. This is it, this could very well be the last time I sit and have a conversation with the girl I love. I have to tell her the truth and who knows what happens then. The truth can be painful or wonderful, and because I know what's about to happen I just sit there a moment and drink her in, her green eyes and wavy hair. She's looking at me, puzzled, so I break the silence.

"I need to tell you something." I say

"I kinda figured." she says as she pulls the note out of her pocket.

I take her by the hand because I just want to feel her warmth and then it spills out of me like lava and I can't stop until I've said everything. The snooping, the car, my dad's history. Before I can finish my thought her hands are now ice cold and her breathing is shallow.

"Please, please talk to me. I'm so sorry. So so sorry." I rasp.

She glances at me nervously looking around as if everyone in the city heard me, even though we were alone. She pulls her hand from mine and I can see a tear welling in her eye.

"Please no, fuck, no Sky no, no, no."

"I can't do this right now," she croaks. And with that she's on her feet, running.

I'm frozen in my seat, I want to go after her, to grab her and hold her and not let her go, but I know that's not the right thing to do, she needs time. I just hope that's not the last we had together.

Skylar's POV

I'm panting, sucking air into my burning lungs as fast as I can. My mind is reeling from his words and I look up and the sky is spinning and I want to scream, I want to scream as loud as I possibly can as if that will bring her back and as if it will take the words and put them back in his mouth. Suddenly my body is convulsing and the tears are streaming down my face, hot and heavy and I can taste them. I sit down and put my head in my hands and rock back and fourth until my breathing steadies. I grab a handful of pebbles and propel them forward where they crash in a heap. All I want is for the memory of this last hour be erased, but I know he needed to tell me, I know it was the right thing to do, but I'm still pissed. Pissed at him for knowing, pissed at his dad for killing her, pissed at myself for being so angry all the time. After another hour of lying there I get up and walk home, feeling empty and alone, but most of all hurt.


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445 Reviews


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Fri Jul 19, 2019 6:51 pm
Liebensteiner wrote a review...



REVIEW TIME, GIRL.

Alright, lovely chapter you've got here and it was very much necessary. It was a heave topic, and I feel it could've been given more description about how Cole felt, and what was going through his mind. And mabye even the same with Sky, but just a bit more, ya know?

And, you say that Cole was sitting on the "floor" when he was at the beach. It's the "ground" he was sitting on.

"I need to tell you something." I say


Punctuation mark at the end of this sentence. A period would do great.

"I kinda figured." she says as she pulls the note out of her pocket.


XD

I sit down and put my head in my hands and rock back and fourth until my breathing steadies.


Wait, where does she sit down? Wasn't she just running? Maybe tell us about the surroundings and everything, because, surely - I hope - there were other people around her. And that's what you should do in the beach setting too. You just write everything as if it's only Cole and Sky in the world. Maybe add a few places where it shows that there's life other than just the two?

My review will be closed off here. Hope this helped in one way or the other. Have a great day. I'm off to read the next chapter. And, of course, if you've got any questions, feel free to ask me.

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




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Mon Sep 18, 2017 3:59 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

My main focus today is on the last section of this chapter. I thought the rest of it was good - you had a nice balance of dialogue and narration, used description to set the mood, and skimmed over Cole's story in his section to focus on his emotions. You also did a good job using imagery to paint a picture of Sky's strong reaction to what Cole tells her.

That said, I think the last part in Sky's viewpoint needs some work. I like that we see her physical reaction - tears, throwing things - but here, I think, is a part where you could expand on what Cole tells her. She's learning this information for the first time, so it's okay to highlight it a little more in her perspective even though the reader already knows about it. Which parts disturb her the most? Does she actually hear the whole thing, or at some point is she so horrified that only some of Cole's words actually reach her? Does this epiphany make her wish she could undo their whole relationship, or does she love him so much that she wishes she could just unknow this and continue to stay with him happily? Does she think there's any way at all around this for them?

I just think you could take those emotions and expand on that a lot, and get more specific about which parts hurt her most.

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Mon Sep 18, 2017 2:01 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, gossipgirlxoxo! My name is Kara, and I am here for a quick review.

Give me your soul

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time:



I stir awake, my hand instinctively reaching over, but all I feel is cold sheets, startled my eyes flutter open.


This is something called a comma splice. To fix this particular comma splice, I would put a period instead of a comma after "sheets" and add a comma after "startled." This would make a separate sentence and make the second sentence grammatically correct.

I run my finger over the ink etched across the front, Sky.


Instead of a comma, put a dash and put "Sky" in quotation marks.

I glance at the clock realizing it's 11:00 pm and find my way back to the bed, note still in hand.


After "clock" add a dash and after "pm" add a dash. Also, capitalize both letters of "pm."

POV


Just a small thing, but "POV" is spelled "PoV."

After this, I noticed quite a few problems with the dialogue:

"Hi"


If there's no tag sentence after a piece of dialogue, put a period, an exclamation mark, or a question mark if it fits there. Here, I would say put a period.

"I need to tell you something." I say

"I kinda figured." she says as she pulls the note out of her pocket.


If there IS a tag sentence after a piece of dialogue, then have any periods be a comma. Also, after "say" there should be a period.

"Please no, fuck, no Sky no, no, no."


After every word - except for "Please" - put a comma. Also, you need to put an 18+ warning if it's the word "fuck." ((I've been told this several times, so just telling you here :D))

I'm frozen in my seat, I want to go after her, to grab her and hold her and not let her go, but I know that's not the right thing to do, she needs time.


This is another comma splice. For this one, I would make "she needs time" a separate sentence or replace that last comma with a semicolon.

Aaaaannnndddd that's it!

Strange things I noticed:



First off, this chapter is SHORT. I would make it longer with maybe more descriptions, or with a little bit more dialogue or something. This is even shorter than the chapters I wrote when I was 11, and those chapters were mostly one page long. So yeah, I would recommend making them longer.

the goosebumps pricking her forearms.


How could Cole see the goosebumps prickling her forearms from where he was sitting?

I'm panting, sucking air into my burning lungs as fast as I can. My mind is reeling from his words and I look up and the sky is spinning and I want to scream, I want to scream as loud as I possibly can as if that will bring her back and as if it will take the words and put them back in his mouth. Suddenly my body is convulsing and the tears are streaming down my face, hot and heavy and I can taste them. I sit down and put my head in my hands and rock back and fourth until my breathing steadies. I grab a handful of pebbles and propel them forward where they crash in a heap. All I want is for the memory of this last hour be erased, but I know he needed to tell me, I know it was the right thing to do, but I'm still pissed. Pissed at him for knowing, pissed at his dad for killing her, pissed at myself for being so angry all the time. After another hour of lying there I get up and walk home, feeling empty and alone, but most of all hurt.


S***, what did he say? I haven't read the other chapters so I don't know, but still. Jesus Christ.

Overall:



This is very good, especially since you haven't written for a year, your profile said? That's awesome. My only real suggestion is to work on your dialogue problems, your comma splices, and to make it a little longer to the reader can engage more.

Why haven't you given me your soul yet? --

Kara :D

((Also, tag me with future chapters plz. Thanks!))





I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken