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Wetfire-Chapter Five

by foxmaster


From Etsy.

                                                             

 Chapter Five

"Not you" Groaned Silver, annoyed. She glared at Sphinx so much that if eyeballs could speak, hers would be screaming. 

"What is so wrong? I am charming." said Sphinx, looking annoyingly heroic stupid. There was no way Silver was letting them become queen. She sighed. 

"You are not charming." Silver snapped, not bothering to hide her jealousy. But... she wasn't jealous of them. But... the way Glory had recommended them so smoothly, easily. Like a shake of a tail. Silver doubted she'd ever be recommended so quickly. Not the way she lived on the way on the outer edge of the sea, barely talking to anyone. UGH. Stupid idiotic feelings, Silver thought defiantly. 

"Sign me UP." snapped Silver, slowly lifting into flight. She was flying up, up, up to the large cliff thing, when suddenly Sphinx was behind her. 

"Change your mind, huh?" he asked. Silver glared at them.

"Okay. 1) I never said I wasn't going to do this before YOU rudely interrupted me, and 2) WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO ANNOYING?!" 

"Well," said Sphinx, not looking the slightest bit hurt, "You said, 'why me?!" and then made a very loud groaning sound." The two touched down on the rock, but they kept on bickering. 

"So? That was a rhetorical question!" Silver snapped.

"Like you know what's rhetorical." 

"Of course I do! Better than YOU, at LEAST." Silver rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I would be a way better queen than you would be queen." 

The five dragons stared at them. 

"Well," Sphinx completely ignored Silver. "is there some ink I can borrow? I want to sign my name right here." Those words made Silver even more aggravated. 

"Ink you can borrow? Ink you can borrow?! How about you can let me shove you off a cliff?!" Smoke poured out of her nostrils. "Let me through." she shoved past about a couple dozen dragons and said, "May the best dragon win. a.k.a.ME." She signed her name on the scroll so hard it nearly ripped in two. 

"She's a feisty one," said a Seawing. 

"I am when I need to be." snapped Silver back.

"So!" a Nightwing announced. "Tomorrow, at Sunrise, the competition begins! Meet us at the Sapphire falls!" 

The crowd slowly flew away, but Glory awaited Silver when she landed next to her, and they began flying.

"So... I've never really heard to yell that much," said Glory. 

"Sphinx sucks." said Silver grumpily. Soon they approached the rainforest. 

"See you tomorrow?" asked Glory hopefully. 

"I don't really have a choice." replied Silver.

"Well, I hope this is worth it." said Glory. Silver smiled and continued flying until she got to the beach. She crawled into her cave. 

"What a jerk," she said, and fell asleep. 

~~~~

 The next morning, Silver gasped. "Oh no! The contest!" she panicked. She quickly devoured her fish that she was having for breakfast, and flew into the cool air. It was still so early out that the sun had not come up yet. 

"C'mon.. c'mon..." Silver landed on top of the waterfall. 

"so..." said the Nightwing."to win this first challenge, you must fly across the ocean to the nearest island, then come back." 

Everyone gasped. That would mean they would have to go to the outpost island! 

"and yes, you must avid getting captured by the guards." said the Sandwing loudly. "Three... two... one... Go!" all the dragons lifted off into the air. However, while everyone was up ahead, Silver could not help to stop and admire the nature around her.

"Go!" yelled Glory, putting her back into the present again. Silver flew with all her might. 

Later on, Silver was panting. She was almost halfway to the outpost island, and yet her wings were screaming with pain. She wanted to touch down and take a nap, but there were no other landforms in sight. She would most likely plummet into the sea and drown. Speaking of the thought, Silver suddenly noticed something peculiar. A shape was coming down. 

just a little farther! She thought. She finally got to the shape and noticed it was a dragon, falling into the sea! 

"What do I do?" yelled Silver.

SPLASH! The dragon fell into the ocean. Silver knew what she had to do. She held her breath and dove into the sea after him. 


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Fri Feb 17, 2023 2:38 am
dragonight9 wrote a review...



Just gotta say I love how you crossed out heroic and replaced it with stupid at the start. (How did you do that?!)

I like the rivalry Silver has with Sphinx already. They seem great at pushing just the right buttons. You know you're great at annoying people when the mere sight of you makes dragons groan or scowl.

I also like how you mentioned a few times in the story so far that Silver isn't usually so upset. Gives good context for how she must be feeling.

I like the softer side Glory showed this chapter. Especially compared to last chapter. It really showed she cared. (you did make a slight spelling mistake in her lines. "I've never really heard to yell that much" 'to' should have been 'you')

I like the idea of a race as the first challenge. Perhaps a sky wing or sea wing came up with it? The late start seemed a little strange. The explanation that Silver was admiring nature hasn't really been featured before now so it felt more like an excuse for her to start behind the other dragons. (it didn't flow as naturally in the writing because it wasn't set up beforehand)

I wonder why Silver yelled "What do I do" out loud rather than thinking it. She was tired, so it seems strange. Maybe instead of yelling she could have wheezed to accentuate how tired she was. That way when she decides to help the other dragon it is even more heroic, and any struggles thereafter could be explained by the fact she was so tired.

Thinking about it now, I wonder if that was a seawing diving into the water rather than falling into it from exhaustion.

Overall it seems like this is the start of the next section of the story going over this queenship contest. Maybe we'll find out more about the vision as we go along too.




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Sat Feb 11, 2023 6:19 pm
4revgreen wrote a review...



Yes another chapter! i'm really getting into this story!

"Not you" Groaned Silver, annoyed. She glared at Sphinx so much that if eyeballs could speak, hers would be screaming.

I love this relationship between Silver and Sphinx, and how much Silver seems to hate them. It provides a nice depth to the characters as there is always tension building. This chapter is full of conflict, tension, and competition, as Silver is set to face off against the other dragons in order to become the queen. You did a great job of establishing Silver's character as fierce and determined. One of the strongest elements of this chapter is the dialogue between Silver and Sphinx, as it highlights the tension between them. The use of sarcasm and snappy one-liners to convey the annoyance and frustration Silver feels towards Sphinx.

"You are not charming." Silver snapped, not bothering to hide her jealousy. But... she wasn't jealous of them. But... the way Glory had recommended them so smoothly, easily. Like a shake of a tail. Silver doubted she'd ever be recommended so quickly. Not the way she lived on the way on the outer edge of the sea, barely talking to anyone. UGH. Stupid idiotic feelings, Silver thought defiantly.

This whole paragraph is just written so nicely and neatly. It just flows really well!

In terms of structure, I like how the chapter is divided into two parts: the first part focusing on the build up to the competition and Silver signing up, and the second part focusing on the actual competition beginning. This allows the reader to understand and race and dynamics so they don't get so confused when the race begins.

SPLASH! The dragon fell into the ocean. Silver knew what she had to do. She held her breath and dove into the sea after him.

I like that you ended on a cliffhanger, it makes me really want to read the next chapter so i can find out what happened.

What could be improved:

Plot Development: I do think that the competition and its rules could use more explanation and detail. We know there is a race to become queen, but perhaps the stakes of the competition and what is at risk should be made clearer to the reader, since all he rules seem a little vague.

Pacing: The chapter moves quickly and lacks time for the reader to fully engage with the setting and characters. Slowing down the pace and taking time to describe the environment and emotions of the characters can help the reader become more invested in the story, and also offer more time to understand the race more. The beginning of the race seemed pretty rushed and I wanted to see more!




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Sat Feb 11, 2023 3:41 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this contest is definitely shaping up to be very interesting here. I am loving the vibes that it is giving off so far and it definitely ends up opening just a whole lot of new questions even as it already feels like its going to be a bit of a climactic moment just on its own.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Not you" Groaned Silver, annoyed. She glared at Sphinx so much that if eyeballs could speak, hers would be screaming.

"What is so wrong? I am charming." said Sphinx, looking annoyingly heroic stupid. There was no way Silver was letting them become queen. She sighed.

"You are not charming." Silver snapped, not bothering to hide her jealousy. But... she wasn't jealous of them. But... the way Glory had recommended them so smoothly, easily. Like a shake of a tail. Silver doubted she'd ever be recommended so quickly. Not the way she lived on the way on the outer edge of the sea, barely talking to anyone. UGH. Stupid idiotic feelings, Silver thought defiantly.


Well this is going to be quite interesting. I for one am glad to see more of Sphinx because that seemed like it really was quite an interesting dynamic there but to now see even more little relationship flare up happens with the introduction of Glory to the mix and the way Silver seems to think of herself, this is really creating a powerful scene here.

"Sign me UP." snapped Silver, slowly lifting into flight. She was flying up, up, up to the large cliff thing, when suddenly Sphinx was behind her.

"Change your mind, huh?" he asked. Silver glared at them.

"Okay. 1) I never said I wasn't going to do this before YOU rudely interrupted me, and 2) WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO ANNOYING?!"

"Well," said Sphinx, not looking the slightest bit hurt, "You said, 'why me?!" and then made a very loud groaning sound." The two touched down on the rock, but they kept on bickering.

"So? That was a rhetorical question!" Silver snapped.

"Like you know what's rhetorical."


Phew we;; here we go, already we're jumping right ahead to them properly screaming at each other although this time it does appear to be slightly more based on anger than potential friendship so maybe I was wrong in thinking they'd make a great duo after all. There seems to be a bit more malice to those words than you'd expect.

"Of course I do! Better than YOU, at LEAST." Silver rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I would be a way better queen than you would be queen."

The five dragons stared at them.

"Well," Sphinx completely ignored Silver. "is there some ink I can borrow? I want to sign my name right here." Those words made Silver even more aggravated.

"Ink you can borrow? Ink you can borrow?! How about you can let me shove you off a cliff?!" Smoke poured out of her nostrils. "Let me through." she shoved past about a couple dozen dragons and said, "May the best dragon win. a.k.a.ME." She signed her name on the scroll so hard it nearly ripped in two.


Okay... well that's one way to introduce a character there. Looks like Smoke there is a real sweetheart of a character. Something tells me that she's not going to easily end up being a queen if she treats people in that manner. ALthough of course its hard to say if maybe what you're going for is an evil queen here especially given the horrible future we saw stemming from this moment.

"She's a feisty one," said a Seawing.

"I am when I need to be." snapped Silver back.

"So!" a Nightwing announced. "Tomorrow, at Sunrise, the competition begins! Meet us at the Sapphire falls!"

The crowd slowly flew away, but Glory awaited Silver when she landed next to her, and they began flying.

"So... I've never really heard to yell that much," said Glory.

"Sphinx sucks." said Silver grumpily. Soon they approached the rainforest.

"See you tomorrow?" asked Glory hopefully.

"I don't really have a choice." replied Silver.

"Well, I hope this is worth it." said Glory. Silver smiled and continued flying until she got to the beach. She crawled into her cave.

"What a jerk," she said, and fell asleep.


Well that.... was quick. I think its a great scene though to establish some of the contestants for queen and to expect when this competition is going to take place for all of this to go down here. The only issue I'd say here is writing Silver going back to bed. It seems to be an unnecessary add on there, you could just end it as they all part ways and start the next morning without just randomly showing Silver go home and sleep given nothing at all seems to happen in that segment besides the sleeping part.

The next morning, Silver gasped. "Oh no! The contest!" she panicked. She quickly devoured her fish that she was having for breakfast, and flew into the cool air. It was still so early out that the sun had not come up yet.

"C'mon.. c'mon..." Silver landed on top of the waterfall.

"so..." said the Nightwing."to win this first challenge, you must fly across the ocean to the nearest island, then come back."

Everyone gasped. That would mean they would have to go to the outpost island!


Okay we're just launching that immediately. I think its a nice to say that perhaps Silver was late, but it does feel like this is much too important of an event to just be shoehorning past so quickly with only there being basically one line of dialogue explaining the whole thing.

"and yes, you must avid getting captured by the guards." said the Sandwing loudly. "Three... two... one... Go!" all the dragons lifted off into the air. However, while everyone was up ahead, Silver could not help to stop and admire the nature around her.

"Go!" yelled Glory, putting her back into the present again. Silver flew with all her might.


Okayy well we're off. It looks like this outpost island thing is certainly more than just one random island out in the middle of nowhere and I like that. This whole contest appears to be testing a lot more than just the endurance and flight ability but also probably ability to not easily be spotted by these guards and fight them successfully if Silver and the others are in fact spotted.

Later on, Silver was panting. She was almost halfway to the outpost island, and yet her wings were screaming with pain. She wanted to touch down and take a nap, but there were no other landforms in sight. She would most likely plummet into the sea and drown. Speaking of the thought, Silver suddenly noticed something peculiar. A shape was coming down.

just a little farther! She thought. She finally got to the shape and noticed it was a dragon, falling into the sea!

"What do I do?" yelled Silver.

SPLASH! The dragon fell into the ocean. Silver knew what she had to do. She held her breath and dove into the sea after him.


Okay...a bit of a confusing moment there. Silver being very fatigued and in serious danger of falling is a lovely moment. So is seeing this dragon being in trouble and Silver trying immediately to do her best to save him. However... it does lead the problems of making Silver's fatigue suddenly seem unimportant because that implied shouldn't be able to do a rescue like this.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a strong chapter here. It had a couple of points that appear questionable at the moment but then I have a feeling especially that second point about Silver's fatigue will get explained in the chapters to come so these aren't that pressing as far as being issues are concerned. Well, I look forward to seeing what comes next.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate





Look, a good poem is a poem that exists. Any poem you write is better than the poem you don't.
— WeepingWisteria