z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



Wetfire-Chapter Nine

by foxmaster


Silver covered her gasp with a faux cough. 

"Sorry-what?" Asked Snowfall arrogantly.

"I said-" Midnight paused, and then whirled on Silver. "What are you doing here?" He asked. Silver "coughed" again, but not because she was scared,  but because of the coldness in her brother's voice. 

"What?" she asked. "why are you talking to me?"

"I know this is you, Silver." he said. "Just admit it."

"Like you admitted how you were gonna be a guard for another... hmm, looong time?" Silver spat.

"Ha! You admit it!"

"Nobody cares! What we do care is why are you in your business?" Silver screamed.

"This is my job!"

"Your job is to be with your, hmm," -cough, cough-  "oh, yeah! Your family! Because that's just so hard to do nowadays, isn't it?"

"Do you realize that I'm literally saving you all?" Midnight shrieked. Silver snorted. "Yeah, totally." she said. "How would you know?"

"I am older than you! How would I not know?!"

"Because you are an idiot." Midnight growled at that, and Snowfall cringed. 

"Okay, guys, one big happy family, right?" she asked. "We're just gonna walk in here..."

"No!" yelled Midnight. "We're saving the world here!" Silver snapped.

"Yeah, I just read that on who cares dot com," said Midnight. 

"Since when do you know what dot com means?!" snapped Silver. 

"I'm quoting something, that should have made you happy!" Midnight said defensively. 

"Not when you say it! You just make everything worse!" Silver screamed, before sighing. "We are walking in!"

"No, you are not!" Midnight snapped, blocking their path with his spear. 

"Oh, no you DON'T." Silver said. Snowfall sighed, and then grew red in the face. 

"Listen!" she cried. "Just stop arguing!" Silver and Midnight looked at her. Snowfall drew in a deep breath, before yelling. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO RULE A KINGDOM?" Silver's eyes widened. "No?" she whispered.

"EXACTLY! SO, HERE WE ARE, TRYING TO... OH, YEAH, SAVE THE FRICKIN' WORLD! AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" She pointed at Midnight. "STOPPING US!" 

"What?" whispered Midnight. 

"THIS IS JUAT A LITTLE SIBLING RILVALRY! REALLY! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE, AND HERE YOU ARE ARGUING ABOUT THINGS I DON'TGIVE A CRAP ABOUT! SO, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" she asked. Silver whistled. "BECAUSE, IF YOU ASK ME-" Snowfall paused, picked up a rock, and threw it at the cave. It hit the rock and exploded into a shower of dust. 

"ALL YOU NIGHTWINGS MADE-" she paused, and Silver knew what she was talking about. "thanks to you, half of the Icewings died," she said. "remember?" 

Then, she pushed past the Nightwings, and raced into the cave, sobbing. It was the first show of sadness Silver had ever seen her show. She slowly walked in and followed the Icewing queen, not knowing what to say.  


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
100 Reviews

Points: 3076
Reviews: 100

Donate
Tue Apr 04, 2023 3:08 am
dragonight9 wrote a review...



Hi again! It's been a while.

Great to see Silver and Snowfall on the same side, though I was a bit surprised by the interaction between Silver and her brother. I get that she's stressed out and all but I would have thought she wouldn't insult the brother she loves so much. I know she was annoyed but it felt like there could have been a bit more build up to this. (like some insults towards her brother in her mind to vent her earlier frustrations)

The other big point is Snowfall's explosion at the end. This really fits her character I feel, and thinking back there was a really good build up to this for her. She is definitely still getting of the trauma of Darkstalker and this just ticks all the same boxes as what he did. Great use of the character!

There were a couple spelling errors in one of Snowfall's yelling sequences. "This is Juat a little..." (misspelled just) "... things I don'tgive a crap about!" (just needed the space there)

Other than that the only other correction was that, at times, it was difficult to understand who was speaking and I had to pause for a moment to understand who said what.

The story overall is progressing really well. It feels like you've settled on the main plot and are growing your characters well. I am excited to learn what happens next.
There are also two other things of note: when two people have opposing views and those views are high stakes (save the world by doing or not doing something) then conflict is sure to escalate.
Second, I am reminded of a quote from Kung-fu panda. "One often meets their destiny on the road they take to avoid it."
I can't wait to see how Snowfall and Silver's actions change the fate of the world for the better... or worse.




foxmaster says...


thanks!



User avatar
4261 Reviews

Points: 297560
Reviews: 4261

Donate
Mon Mar 13, 2023 8:18 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Things escalated pretty much exactly as expected although I was expecting to see Silver take a bit more effort to keep that whole undercover situation going. I think this was a lovely balance between both entertaining to see them just yelling so much at each other while also talking about some very real problems there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Silver covered her gasp with a faux cough.

"Sorry-what?" Asked Snowfall arrogantly.

"I said-" Midnight paused, and then whirled on Silver. "What are you doing here?" He asked. Silver "coughed" again, but not because she was scared, but because of the coldness in her brother's voice.

"What?" she asked. "why are you talking to me?"

"I know this is you, Silver." he said. "Just admit it."

"Like you admitted how you were gonna be a guard for another... hmm, looong time?" Silver spat.


Oh well that's a classic one. Silver immediately exposing herself because of a snappy reply. I was honestly expecting their undercover situation to last a bit longer, but this does manage to be significantly more hilarious.

"Ha! You admit it!"

"Nobody cares! What we do care is why are you in your business?" Silver screamed.

"This is my job!"

"Your job is to be with your, hmm," -cough, cough- "oh, yeah! Your family! Because that's just so hard to do nowadays, isn't it?"

"Do you realize that I'm literally saving you all?" Midnight shrieked. Silver snorted. "Yeah, totally." she said. "How would you know?"

"I am older than you! How would I not know?!"


Well that escalated incredibly quickly into a shouting match. Although I think we do get the sense this little shouting match is very much justified given all of the tension that we saw in those first two chapters earlier.

"Because you are an idiot." Midnight growled at that, and Snowfall cringed.

"Okay, guys, one big happy family, right?" she asked. "We're just gonna walk in here..."

"No!" yelled Midnight. "We're saving the world here!" Silver snapped.

"Yeah, I just read that on who cares dot com," said Midnight.

"Since when do you know what dot com means?!" snapped Silver.

"I'm quoting something, that should have made you happy!" Midnight said defensively.

"Not when you say it! You just make everything worse!" Silver screamed, before sighing. "We are walking in!"

"No, you are not!" Midnight snapped, blocking their path with his spear.


Well this appears to be getting a little bit petty unfortunately in this moment. Although given they are siblings, that is also not exactly hard to believe here. I think it adds an extra little touch to the whole things.

"Oh, no you DON'T." Silver said. Snowfall sighed, and then grew red in the face.

"Listen!" she cried. "Just stop arguing!" Silver and Midnight looked at her. Snowfall drew in a deep breath, before yelling. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO RULE A KINGDOM?" Silver's eyes widened. "No?" she whispered.

"EXACTLY! SO, HERE WE ARE, TRYING TO... OH, YEAH, SAVE THE FRICKIN' WORLD! AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" She pointed at Midnight. "STOPPING US!"

"What?" whispered Midnight.

"THIS IS JUAT A LITTLE SIBLING RILVALRY! REALLY! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE, AND HERE YOU ARE ARGUING ABOUT THINGS I DON'TGIVE A CRAP ABOUT! SO, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" she asked. Silver whistled. "BECAUSE, IF YOU ASK ME-" Snowfall paused, picked up a rock, and threw it at the cave. It hit the rock and exploded into a shower of dust.

"ALL YOU NIGHTWINGS MADE-" she paused, and Silver knew what she was talking about. "thanks to you, half of the Icewings died," she said. "remember?"

Then, she pushed past the Nightwings, and raced into the cave, sobbing. It was the first show of sadness Silver had ever seen her show. She slowly walked in and followed the Icewing queen, not knowing what to say.


Well that is quite the little bombshell to drop there. I wasn't expecting to see something along those lines going down but here we are. Well, well, this definitely spices things up quite a bit yet again and now I can't wait to see the fallout from that.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a pretty strong chapter this one. Some pretty intriguing information being revealed to us there alongside seeing more of the relationship that Silver and Midnight have. I can't wait to see what happens next.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




User avatar
79 Reviews

Points: 7948
Reviews: 79

Donate
Mon Mar 13, 2023 6:46 am
cookiesandcream123 wrote a review...



Hii, foxmaster! Here to leave a review!

Also, quick question: Is this a fanfiction of the Wings of Fire series? 'Cause the cover and mention of ___wings reminds me of that!

Anyways, jumping in -- mwahaha, this chapter has a lot of drama. I'm guessing that Silver and Midnight are Nightwing siblings, and Silver is the main character? You did a great job at building conflict and showing their sibling relationship. I also like how Snowfall's rant provided some context about the plot, which is helpful for new readers.

Something I noticed, though, is that most of the chapter is dialogue. Which is totally fine, but I think it'd be nice with more description too! Also, try to slip in details about the setting/background info. at the start, so that the reader isn't left confused for a long time. (Ex: Mention that they were trying to enter a cave.)

Overall though, well done!! The characters seem cool and their bickering is funny to read. I feel bad for Snowfall though, oof..
(Btw, you're close to the Ch. 10 milestone -- keep it up! :D )




foxmaster says...


Thank you! And yeah this is wings of fire fanficition.




Writing is my soul made tangible on paper.
— bluewaterlily