Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
i’d be willing to-
hell, it would be thrilling, to-
serve a life sentence in a maximum security prison,
if it meant that justice had risen.
i’d do whatever it takes-
to end the way my heart aches,
i’d put him six feet under,
and laugh like thunder when they send me away.
maybe i should tone it down-
i could just spread his name around town,
telling everyone what he is,
a filthy bastard who hurts kids.
would that be enough for me, no,
would it set me free?
would ruining his reputation
fix the repetition in my mind?
the repetition of
shame, of
blame, of
pain.
the repetition of
hands holding me down,
of telling me not to frown, of telling me that it’s alright .
i see them; like a movie that i didn’t buy tickets to.
i just wish i could hear only crickets in my mind,
finally silent,
putting an end to this violence that is stuck on loop.
no, it is a loop for a reason
and here i am, stuck in group therapy- talking and talking.
i am doomed to replay those memories,
the worst day of my life,
when i was caught like a mouse,
stuck in that wretched house.
is revenge what i want?
should i avenge the death of my childhood?
‘here lies innocence, gone but never forgotten’
i’d lay my ripped cotton nightgown in the grave
mourning the days
before it happened, and i was caught in a daze.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
I'm just going to say that I really like this. It's quite odd how it is structured but I think that's what makes it so interesting and I like how original it is.
I really like...
"i’d put him six feet under,
and laugh like thunder when they send me away."
because it really makes me think of what could be going through the poetic speakers mind when they talk about wanting to be put away behind bars. I'm not sure if this is what you intended but it makes me see inside a somewhat twisted mind and begin to understand it.
Well anyway I really liked this so well done!
I'm just going to say that I really like this. It's quite odd how it is structured but I think that's what makes it so interesting and I like how original it is.
I really like...
"i’d put him six feet under,
and laugh like thunder when they send me away."
because it really makes me think of what could be going through the poetic speakers mind when they talk about wanting to be put away behind bars. I'm not sure if this is what you intended but it makes me see inside a somewhat twisted mind and begin to understand it.
Well anyway I really liked this so well done!
Thank you so much!
I don't exactly know what to say about this, other than I'm in awe?? it's simple, but certainly manages to make a point. This really does give me vibes of anxiety, especially since the narrator seems to backtrack on a lot of their sentences, as if they're trying to frame a different way of describing it before the poem can flow over to its next stanza. It's sort of odd because of the pauses in the narrator's speech, but that's what makes it original.
My favorite stanza was the first one
"i’d be willing to-
hell, it would be thrilling, to-
serve a life sentence in a maximum security prison,
if it meant that justice had risen."
It's a really good hook that keeps the reader engaged, and its a really good sort of insight into how bitter their character is, and their bitterness is so deep and engrained within them, they would be willing to serve time in a padded prison cell with no contact with the outside world, just so they could get the last laugh. I really, really, really loved this piece. I hope to see more pieces like this that are made up of dialogue.
I hope this review helped you in some way.
Cheers!
MintyLeaf <3
Thank you so much!
Greetings, darling! A nice review is coming your way!
. You can always talk to me if u need someone.
First thing I need to say, just so it isn’t sitting in the back of my mind, is that you can omit the sentence “ I hope I drown”. In fact, I beg you to omit it. Thank you, haha!
Also, I’m really sorry you had to go through all that
Overall, I really liked your poem, actually. It’s very mature and well written (other than that one sentence).
BUT why did u rate it 16+ when you’re only 15? Just a question.
Have a lovely day! Keep writing! God loves you!
Ahaha thanks!
The "i hope i drown" part was just in there for me being rambly, but I totally see what you're saying.
For the rating- even though I'm only 15, I really did not know what to rate this; I thought 16 would work the best. I always have trouble rating things.
Thanks for your review!
I didn't feel like this was 12 , really.
would that be enough for me?
no....
would it set me free?
.....
(My own revision to the story because that is how I want to read it, please pay me no mind.)
-
I really like,
"I'd put him six feet under,
then laugh like thunder as they carried me away,"
(I'd word it that way, but that's only me, you is more important.. remember that always..)
Very good wordplay. I actually lost all faith until I saw how it played out... just great...
The repetition stanza:
Also really great. It's refreshing when someone can defy my expectations in poetry, and this poem does nothing but that. However, I feel like we should fix the "of telling me not to frown, of telling me that it’s alright". I feel like that should be seperate lines, let there be 5 lines to a stanza. I'd say only keep it that way if that is how you wrote it and it makes sense to YOU that way.
Wow.. Holy shit... just finished reading the last bit of the poem (I didn't read all of it before I started)... That... Was... Good... And I mean really good... Let's get this published...
All of my own work is based off of something personal, and I am always amazed when I see a poem like this. "Serving a life sentence in the name of revenge" is one of those poems that I fear will never leave me, and with any luck I may be able to show it to my love. (Poetry isn't as important to her, but I still think she would REALLY like this one.)
While there are things that (personally) I would change, I think this is a fantastic poem, and you don't have to change a damned thing because it is your own work. I would gladly help you get this published with the America Library of Poetry or otherwise...
This review was not written for points... it was written for the sake of individuality, beauty, and, the one we ALL know and love, poetry.
Thank you for writing this poem, it is incredibly refreshing to see a work that feels like someone cared. Good job, and good luck...
Thank you so much for your review! It means a lot to me.