I am the woman in white,
I sail the oceans with no boat.
I survey the world,
it is me who saves the children,
who carries them from the treacherous sea
to the sand, to safety.
I am the woman in white-
a white dress that I've worn my whole life
I know not where I come from,
I have no family, no parents who held me.
I arrived here one day
in the spittle of the ocean
in the frozen waves, they have held me.
Perhaps- the waves are my parents.
I am a child of the Earth
adorned eternally in that heavenly white dress
I am the woman in white,
I sail the oceans with no boat.
I survey the world, and,
I become the world.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi! I hope you're enjoying the festive season.
First of all, I'd like to make it clear that the story itself is good.
My only objections concern the "poem" part.
I must say that I'm not a huge fan of "free verse". I like when there are rhymes, meter, and a certain rythm that all play with the phonology of the language. This is, however, lacking in your narrative poem.
Nonetheless, I like that you have used figures in your poem:
anaphors:
just did you put a hyphen instead of a coma, on purpose ? here:
But you should put more figures: metaphors, alliterations, assonances, and so on...
I would suggest that you change (perhaps re-write) your poem with the same story. Because, there is a lack of rythm and meter. I totally understand if you don't want it to rhyme but then it would be great if the stanzas could have the same number of verses and the verses a similar number of syllables.
A poem usually conveys abstract images that we wouldn't be able to express in prosaic descriptions. But I think that I could comfortably adapt your poem into prose. As it is your work is more like a verse story, rather than a narrative poem.
I apologize if I sounded mean. I genuinely do. I know it was a little harsh and I know how difficult it is to write. I appreciate your efforts. I hope my review would be helpful
-Barron
Hi! Thank you for your review!
I believe that honesty is the best policy, so thank you for your honesty! I definitely see what you mean, about how it should be more poem-like.
I'm glad to hear that! If you want to progress in the narrative poem genre, I strongly suggest to take a look at Robert Burns' work (e.g. Tam'O Shanter, and so forth...)
The flow of the poem is well written and allows for reflection while reading it. Gives a deeper meaning on where we came from and how it has made us the people we are. The ending wraps up the poem in satisfying way, where it feels has though the poem has truly ended. In many poems I feel as though the ending lacks--by not truly concluding the poem. Your poem however concludes the poem very well and gives closure to it.
Thank you for your review!