Exodus of a Soul

Hi there fleuralplants! The title of this poem intrigued me so here I am for a quick review ^^

For this review, I'm going to give my thoughts stanza by stanza - so let's jump right in, shall we?

My life is being stolen from me.

I can feel the wisps of my ghastly soul escaping through my eyeballs.

I am

drained, empty, void.

That is me.

Null.
Void of emotion, void of life, void of passion.

I really enjoy your use of line breaks in this stanza; especially between "I am" and "drained, empty, void". The pause creates an empty sensation, if that makes sense, which perfectly matches the actual words in the poem. One thought I did have while reading through this was that "Void of emotion, void of life, void of passion" might fit better immediately after "drained, empty, void", so it would look something like this:

drained, empty, void.

Void of emotion, void of life, void of passion.

That is me.

Null.

That's because the use of the word "void" makes those two lines feel like they are continuations of each other, while "Null" being on its own line makes it feel like a final thought, which works well to end the stanza.

Now, I step away.

I unplug the computer and I bid it farewell, throwing him into this lake,

the lake where I once played,

before the machine.

I've gotta admit, I'm a bit confused as to where "him" came from? Since you referred to the computer as "it" literally in the previous half of the sentence, I don't think it makes sense to change to a gendered pronoun after that. I'd either suggest sticking to "it", or consistently using personification and referring to the computer / machine as "him" throughout. That choice is completely up to you; both work fine, just with different effects!

I will no longer let that device steal my soul from me,

sucking it out through my eyes on my days and days of staring into that screen.

A couple thoughts about this couplet - first, I think your choice to use lines of such varying length is interesting! We go from one-worders like "Null" to twenty-plus-worders. It creates a bit of a texture to the poem, for lack of a better way to phrase it. Both a visual texture, as in the varying length creates an interesting shape on the page, as well as rhythmic texture; using the line length, you're able to create a flow to the poem, with long smooth-running line and short stop-and-start lines.
In this particular stanza, though, I don't think you're actually adding any new material to the poem. Later on in the poem the narrator describes their resistance towards "machines", while earlier in the poem the narrator describes machines as sucking their soul out of their eyeballs. Thus, I honestly think you could just cut this couplet out of the poem. As a general rule of thumb, if lines in a poem are not contributing anything new (in the context of the poem) to the subject or the mood, it's best to simply cut them out! Concise is (almost) always better than long-winded (and that's coming from me, someone who chronically not succinct haha).

I will stand in the winter brooke,

feel the frozen water run over my feet and I feel like I have been rejuvenated.

I will feel alive.

I think there's a slight tense issue in the middle line here. You start out saying "I will" do this, but partway through the line switch to present: "I feel like". If you just cut out the "I" there, that will actually solve that problem really easily! Like so:

feel the frozen water run over my feet and feel like I have been rejuvenated.

Here, there are only dictionaries and encyclopedias, for your endless research.

Having to manually search for information is a small price to pay for true freedom and a full soul.

Aah again, I really like your use of longer lines here. I like how when you're talking about machines, the lines are more broken up -> almost as though the machines have stolen the narrator's ability to form long, cohesive thoughts. However when you begin to talk about life without machines, the lines get longer, showing that the narrator is beginning to be free of the influence of the machines and think in longer thoughts.
I do feel like this couplet is a bit too prose-ish for my taste? But that is a personal preference, so if you like it how it is that's fine too.

Here, I go outside,

bask in the stars,

feel the moonbeams penetrate my pores.

I adore that final line! "moonbeams penetrating my pores" is such a unique, vivid, and lovely line of imagery! <3

Those machines can't feel a thing,

and it tried to make me like that, too, unfeeling and cold.

But, I escaped from its deathly clutches.

I will not assimilate.

Not everyone is so fortunate as I to notice the exodus of their soul before it is too late.

A small nitpick - you switch between a plural subject ("Those machines") to a singular pronoun ("It"), so I'd just suggest that you make sure the subject and pronoun agree!
I think you end on a really interesting thought, however I personally feel it would be even snappier to end on a line a bit more like this:

I noticed the exodus of my soul before it was too late.

Because then, instead of making the poem more general and a bit vaguer, you keep it very specific and focused on one thing: the narrator's relationship with machines. I think it makes the same point you're trying to make, without explicitly saying it, and I feel that it'd be an every stronger way to end the poem!

All in all, this was a very interesting poem. I really enjoyed your use of linebreaks, and there were several lines of imagery that made my soul very happy hehe c: I hope this review proves helpful, and if you have any questions about it feel free to ask!

Keep writing!

whatcha

Hi! Katya here to review this lovely poem for you!

This poem is a great example of how technology and screens in general can hurt the mental. I've learned from experience I'd have to say the flow is very smooth, it was easy to read, and I was sucked in within the first stanza.

Some words are repetitive, that could probrably be replaced, like:

I get in my car.

I drive and I drive,

It was kind of awkward to read. You could say, instead,

I get in my car.

I drive for miles,

Also, in one of the last stanzas , you say:

Here, I go outside,

bask in the stars,

feel the moonbeams penetrate my pores.

Maybe slip an "I" infront of

feel the moonbeams penetrate my pores

Other than that, there's not really much else I can say! I loved this poem.

Keep on writing!

Wow! I love this concept and your imagery and wording! There are only a few things I have suggestions, so let's jump into it...

I can feel the wisps of my ghastly soul escaping through my eyeballs.

First off, I love this first stanza. But for this line, perhaps replace 'eyeballs' with 'eyelids'? I feel that would fit better and flow more smoothly.

I unplug the breathing machine and leave.

Is the 'breathing machine' the computer from earlier? If so, I was a bit confused as to how you could unplug it when you had previously thrown the computer into a lake. If the 'breathing machine' is a different machine than the one previously mentioned, I would perhaps clarify that with a different wording so as to not confuse the readers.

I will stand in the winter brooke,

I don't know if your spelling of 'brooke' this way was intentional, but if so, it doesn't make entire sense. Brooke is a name, so perhaps you meant 'brook'?

feel the frozen water run over my feet and I feel like I have been rejuvenated.

I love this line, but the word 'rejuvenated' doesn't quite flow. I would replace it with 'revived' or 'recharged' or something like that.

Having to manually search for information is a small price to pay for true freedom and a full soul.

The line preceding this one is one of my favorites, but this line didn't feel up to par with the magnificence it followed. I love the ending words, but the beginning of this line feels almost shallow in meaning compared to the rest of the poem. My suggestion is to generalize the 'price to pay' rather than focusing solely on manually searching for information; some generalizations could be losing the ease technology provides or losing the seconds technology can save. Of course, this is merely a suggestion based upon my opinion, but it is still beautiful the way you have it.

and it tried to make me like that, too, unfeeling and cold.

I love this line! I only think it could be a bit better. The wording 'to make me like that, too' does not flow well and I would recommend changing it to something along the lines of 'to force me to conform' or 'to make me the same'. I don't know, up to you.

Besides these suggestions, I love, love, love this poem! It's beautiful and such a unique concept, especially for our generation of media users. Technology is truly frightening, but what has become more frightening is the comfort we have while using it. You did a wonderful job of portraying that loss of self as we fall into the clutches of media and technology and fall away from the world and its beautiful reality.

You are a wonderful poet and good work!

Mordax