Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Kaydence
My mouth watered as the potatoes popped and sizzled under my nose while I fried them. I had potatoes on one side and pork-chops on the other. This was one of the few times I went all out for a meal. We had captured a demon today, which had become more and more rare as the years have gone by.
It had been two years since we all died, the seven of us. The whole thing confused me still, I guess I never understood heaven this way. Instead of big gates and clouds and gold, we all awoke in a very pristine and white room. Out came an Angel, but not the ones with golden hair and beautiful white wings like you hear about in books. Rather, he looked kind of like us, but in my head, I knew he was an angel. There isn’t really a way to describe it, you just knew. Just like I knew I had died, but how? To this day, I can’t really remember what happened. I do remember simple things from my past life, but my past life was so long ago.
I guess, technically, we didn’t die two years ago. We died more like twenty years ago. But time froze for us, to where when we woke up in heaven, twenty years had gone by in two seconds. I think it happened that way so that we wouldn’t mess up things by seeing loved ones when we got back to the living.
I can still remember the confusion when I first woke up, looking at six other people I had never seen reflecting the same emotions. Little did I know these people would become like my family. There was Sebastian, Aileen, Indiana, Xander, Anna, and Archie. None of us were blood-related except for Indiana and Archie, but we all acted like a family. We were an odd bunch, most of our personalities clashed on bad days and were perfectly in sync on good days. Lately, it seemed we were having more bad days than good, there wasn’t a day that went by without someone snapping. I mean, it was understandable, with all the pressure we were under.
All my life, like, my actual life, I was told that when people die it’s peaceful. All your troubles in life are finally over, and you get to live a peaceful eternity from that point on. lies. I’m not peaceful at all, in fact, I’m right back where I was, fighting demons for goodness sakes! And on top of everything, I have four more years of this job that I never asked for, four! The tattoo-like numbers on my arm was a painful reminder of how much longer I had left. Yes, tattoo-like, it changed every month, which I guess is kind of cool. But after two years of job after job, when can a girl catch a break? I mean--
“Kaydence, you okay there?” Aileen was sitting at the table stroking her cat, Ryka. Ryka quietly jumped down as Aileen began to stand up and walk towards me. I looked down at the potatoes and realized I had cooked them too long, and they seemed to be chopped into smaller pieces as if I was slicing them unconsciously. Aileen lightly touched my shoulder, and a rush of calm came over me like a soft wave in the ocean. Oh, we also kind of had superpowers. Aileen has a calming touch, literally. She can also heal a little bit, but she’s only done small things, like paper cuts.
“Yeah, sorry. Just thinking,” I mumbled, turning off the stove. Aileen always radiated a super light blue, which meant calm, but sometimes she had a tint of green, which signaled love. Reading auras is not a very interesting power, but I can come in handy sometimes. I can feel when someone near me is in danger, but worst of all, I can feel when someone near me dies. I feel the pain of their death, which is hard if we go on a mission and someone dies. Aura reading can also be awkward, like when Archie’s aura glows bright red sometimes when he is around Anna. It could mean competitiveness, but it could also mean he is sexually attracted to her, and I’m the only one who knows.
He’s just a kid to me though, only 15, he’s the youngest of us. I’m 19, the second oldest along with Xander. Sebastian is the oldest, a year older than me. After me and Xander was Aileen, 17, then Indiana and Anna, 16, and then Archie. I took the job of taking care of everyone at home it seemed, whereas Bash took control of missions. He liked to keep to himself, and if you get on his bad side he can make you feel like nothing. Sometimes I wondered if his heart was actually ice, or if he even had one at all. I seemed to be the only one that would challenge him though, which always ended badly for me. I just didn’t understand what his problem was.
“Supper!” I yelled. I yelled even though I knew they could hear me, we all had heightened senses. In fact, I could hear the patter of feet walking down the short hallway from our bedrooms to the kitchen. One of the worst parts of our heightened hearing is the fact that Indie and Xander were together. They had been for almost a year, and I still remember the night they woke everyone in the house up in the middle of the night when they got a little too...excited. Let’s just say there is a new rule for sex in the house, you can’t do it if anyone is home.
They entered one after another, chatting among themselves. I quickly set the steaming, slightly burnt potatoes, the seasoned pork chops, and corn in the center of the table and took my seat on the end of the table across from Bash.
“Wow, Kayden, you’ve really outdone yourself, what’s the occasion?” Indie licked her lips, admiring the food. She was right, I usually didn’t take the time to make a full meal. We didn’t really have jobs, yet somehow we had enough money to live. I think God probably had something to do with that. I never met the man, but there’s no doubt he exists.
“We have a new mission,” I said cautiously. Bash’s eyes snapped up and locked on me, confusion and anger twinkling in his dark eyes. Bash was used to being in control of missions, and the fact that I knew something he didn’t killed him, I could see it on his face. A slight, amused smile spread across my face, but it quickly faded away as I continued, “Gaderel appeared last night, and he told me that there is a coven of demons in New York, and we have to move and take it down.” I searched their faces, confusion, excitement, frustration--Bash was still glaring at me, but I paid no mind. He would probably give me a piece of his mind after everyone was asleep, like usual.
“What about everything we have here?” Anna asked, crossing her arms. She had a dark green glow, showing resentment. At least I wasn’t the only person who was bitter about this whole deal. Anna seemed to be the most depressed out of everyone here, although I know she doesn’t understand why. Maybe something in her past life caused it, she just knew that she was sad. She had dark brown hair, wavy and cut just at her shoulders. She always seemed to have a cigarette between her lips, and her eyes always had dark circles. I bought her cigarettes because I felt bad for her, it seemed to be the only thing that kept her going throughout the day. She seemed to have no emotions although all she did was play with ours.
“Duty calls Anna. We’ll leave it behind,” Bash said coldly, standing up from the table and walking away. Anna rolled her eyes, and I consciously had to stop myself from doing the same. It’s just frustrating how over-dramatic Sebastian could be sometimes, and then the whole entire house had to pay for his mood. Everyone continued to eat and silence, and the silence was killer. I just wanted to move, to speak, something. I finally stood up from the table, not sure what I was going to do. I could tell they were still confused about our new assignment, and honestly I was too, I didn't understand exactly what was happening in New York and why we needed to go there. But Gaderel seemed serious, we needed to be in New York, there was nothing left for us here. Without saying anything, I took my plate and put it in the sink, walking towards Bash's room. I knew that it was about to get ugly between us, but it needed to be done I guess. I knew he would make everyone else's life a living hell if I didn't get him to take it all out on me.
I knocked on his door, opening it before he gave a response. He was at his desk, scribbling away on a pad of paper. Sebastian had always been an amazing artist, but he had kept them hid away from us. I wouldn't have known he was a great drawer if I hadn't been snooping around about a year ago while he was gone. I would never attempt to snoop again, although, to this day, he has no idea I had done so.
As soon as I had entered he shoved whatever he was drawing into his drawer, breathing heavily and keeping his back to me. I closed the door behind me, hoping it would block out the screaming fit I was about to get. I gathered my thoughts as I studied him, his brown hair, messy on top as if he had pulled at it, the back of his tanned neck, his back muscles tightened under his black t-shirt, his hands clenched. He was actually very attractive, I mean, you could tell by the way girls swooned over him when we were out on business in town. He surprisingly didn't say a word, just stared at the wall in front of him, so I decided to start off the conversation.
"I'm sorry, I know I should've come to you first but I didn't know how to process the information myself and I wanted to think about it before I told anyone, and I guess I just figured that since Gaderel came to me instead of you for once there was a reason for that. And like, why do you have to be so damn dramatic all the time? You think you have it so bad, and worse than any of us. I mean for goodness sake Anna is drowning in cigarettes. All you do is draw, and you don't even show anyone what you are drawing, I mean what's up with that? We all are having trouble getting used to this life and you parade around like you're the strongest because you've been through the worst out of all of us, come on, stop being so damn selfish! I just-"
“Kayden,” Bash interrupted, “how are you any better?” He slowly turned to me, standing up to tower over me, his eyes dark. “You accuse me of being dramatic, of being selfish, but all you do is walk around this house complaining about our calling, our jobs. I understand you’re only 19, but it’s time to grow up.” His aura was pulsing a clear red, and I was almost pressed against the wall because of how close he was to me.
“Sebastian, I do not believe I am the one not acting my age,” I raised my eyebrow at him. I could feel his hot breath on my face as he put his hands on the wall behind me, trapping me.
“If Gaderel every comes to you again, which I doubt he will, I’m the first to know, are we clear?” his voice was deep, eyes hard. I swallowed, the tension suffocating me. Without answering, I slipped out under his arms and walked out the door to my room down the hall, suddenly feeling very light headed. Before I could get far, everything started to fade, and I could feel myself falling…
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chapter word count: 2,074
total word count: 2,074
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
BET YOU THOUGHT I WAS KIDDING, DIDN'T YOU.
Whoa man, this was a lot of fun. I've been watching (and rewatching and rewatching) The Good Place recently so weird retellings of what happens when you die are kind of my jam right now. I'm super intrigued by these characters and their missions to hunt demons, presumably before they're allowed to pass on to the afterlife. Having a strong concept is such a good way to get readers into a story, and get through writing a draft. So I hope you're having as much fun writing as I did reading!
I find this confusing. So say they were 18 when they died. It's been 20 years (so they're 38 now) but they only look 20? Are they assuming they'll be less recognizable if they look more like they did when they died? In my mind, it seems like they would be less recognizable if they looked older than they did when they died but perhaps that's just me! Regardless, this whole paragraph threw me off a bit, which isn't totally what you want this close to the beginning.
Because this is quite vague, it feels a bit easy. Obviously, you don't want to detail the backstory of all of these people in the first half of the first chapter. That would be LOADS of info your reader doesn't need. But maybe you can skip telling us about their relationships like this? Instead, show us how they interact as we meet them and see the story begin to take place.
This implies that they were a demon hunter PRIOR to dying as well, but they claim it's a job they never asked for. Without context, it's a bit confusing. So were they always a demon hunter? If so, why would these new four years (or, presumably, 24 total since they've already been dead 20 years?) be more unasked for than the original?
I'm super intrigued by this exchange between Kaydence and Sebastian at the end. It came a bit unexpectedly (I didn't know that Gaderel only usually came to Sebastian until Kaydence admitted it) but I really love the conflict here. Have you thought about starting the story with this conflict? Or with Gaderel appearing to Kaydence and Kaydence reacting to how unusual that is?
I think my main critique of this opening is that, while the exposition at the beginning is well written and entertaining, it's a bit of a slow start. Focusing on this conflict between Gaderel and Kaydence, and the demons they have to now go hunt in New York, would get us into the story much quicker, I think and hook us in with the tension between these two characters.
First chapters are TOUGH especially in first drafts but I think you're doing so much good work here! I can tell you're learning a lot about the world and the characters and their story, which is exactly what a first draft is meant to do. I can't wait to see what happens next!
Thanks so much for sharing, and keep writing!
--Lauren
yes, i did indeed think you were kidding hehe.
thanks for letting me know about all your confusion, I will definitely have to do a lot of work on this chapter xD
you're the sweetest, thank you for reviewing <3
Hey, elysian! I'm finally here, as I promised. Let's get right into it, shall we?
I might be prematurely calling this out since I write notes down as I go, but if she's dead, why does she need to eat? How does her body still react to food the same way it would if she were alive?
They all felt the same thing? I know it would be hard to represent different emotions, but I find it a little hard to believe they all felt the same thing/wore the same expression on their faces.
While I like the follow-up to this, this part seems unnecessary. If they've been together for two years, it should be preestablished that they have a tightly knit relationship. There's a lot of telling in the beginning, so I guess what I mean is that I would cut back on the relationships the most? We'll get to see them later, see how close they are, so saying it this early on with this much information just seems info-dumpy and, like I said, unnecessary.
I know I said I'd try to focus more on my thoughts, but 'lies' should be capitalised
-So, was Kaydence fighting demons before she died? If not, the part following that sentence I just quoted might need a little adjusting. Of course, I don't know this, so feel free to ignore this if this is the case!
cancel everything, there's a cat. <3
Maybe this isn't the case for everyone, but describing the rush of calm that came over Kaydence immediately made me assume Aileen had powers, and since this is telling, maybe cut it out? Like I said, I don't know if it's just me, maybe it does need to be stated.
I'm going to assume this is the age they died at, and not them aged up since then, as the math does not compute, and Archie is actually 25 technically?
This is a thing that happens in the afterlife? Can they have angel babies??
Wait did I miss the part where she was making corn too? (sorry this is really not important actually)
Is there capitalism in heaven? why do angels need money?? what kind of jobs need to be done by people who are dead???
Ironically, of course xD
There's atmosphere in heaven? Do angels need to breathe? (I'm sorry for asking so many questions)
If they can hear Indie and Xander having sex, wouldn't they be able to hear shouting perfectly well, regardless of closed doors?
-hm. I smell a Thing between Sebastian and Kayden. hm.
That's all I've got for you today! Hopefully there's something helpful in there for you <3 Keep up the good work
I hope you have a lovely day!
thank you so much for the review!
I'm sorry that these things weren't more clear, but they are alive like any other human would be, not "undead" or anything. It's just they've already died and God put them back on Earth, which brings up another point that they are currently not in Heaven but on Earth
There are definitely a few points in there that I need to address when I get to my second draft, so thanks!
Heyo, elysian! I'm here for the review that you requested! I apologize if I end up repeating any advice that was mentioned in previous reviews.
The introduction feels very... tell-y. I understand the want to start in the middle of things, but I'm not entirely sure if that suits the story when it goes into the explanation of the background immediately and then proceeds to explain the background for the rest of the chapter. In your future drafts, I would definitely consider starting at the beginning. You don't have to take them step by step through everything -- I would probably start with waking up in heaven, getting a mission assigned, and then flashing forward to a few years later to this mission. But, in the waking up, you could probably showcase some of their superpowers as they're getting used to them (organically introducing Kaydence's powers as she sees the aura around everyone).
Now, onto the meat of my review!
Small correction: "for goodness' sake!"
Although, this line is definitely interesting. I will admit, I had assumed that Kaydence was just an ordinary person who had been recruited into fighting demons, so this little detail definitely spices the pot for me.
Since a new topic had started, then I'd recommend removing the bolded section to a new paragraph.
I think I understand what sort of tone you're aiming for, but this line really grates on me. It's not that the characters having superpowers is bad, but the line itself feels out of place? Tell-y? Especially since the superpowers are being shown already. It's just incredibly abrupt. I'd personally edit it out or mention the superpowers earlier.
I would demonstrate this instead of just saying it. It's super great to have all of these details, but sometimes it's nicer to not know or to find out gradually. This leads back to my former point about starting in the middle of things.
Again, new topic should be moved to a new paragraph. A good rule of thumb for beginning new paragraphs is TiP ToP. There should be a break every Time change, Place change, Topic change, or change in Person speaking. Most of the things I'm pointing out belong in the topic category.
Again, this is something else that I would prefer to see instead of seeing it explicitly stated. It was being shown via her preparing dinner and stuff, but it's much more impactful to see it shown multiple times compared to having it told in one sentence.
I would select different things from these paragraphs, but it would go into my general sentiment of wanting specific characters details to be shown instead of just being told to us in a chapter long info-dump.
I'm also noticing a bunch of comma splices. (A comma splice happening when two independent clauses are connected by a comma.) I'd change it to a semicolon, but a period would also work here.
I would change the comma to a colon.
So the emotions and noise during sex wakes everyone up, but not the emotions and noise during an argument?
One more note before I sign off: this cast of characters feels incredibly large, especially to start out with. I feel like a lot of the details about the characters are mixed up in my head. I've read books with large casts before, but the author eased the reader into them. The Heroes of Olympus series being an example of this -- all of the characters feel distinct, since the reader had time to know each of them individually before they were thrown into a giant pot with a large cast. Hopefully that makes sense. Uh, I don't want to say that you should cut out any characters, but I'd definitely examine each character of the core cast and their purpose.
Okay, hopefully this review makes sense! Happy Review Day! If you have any questions or comments, then feel free to contact me~
-E
thank you! feel free to read the other chapters <3
Hey there!
I really love the alternative spin you've put on a post-death world. It leaves me with a good deal of curiosity and is a good hook into the story. Your grammar has been good with very few issues, so I'd like to review this based on plot and progression, rather than grammar.
Please be aware that I may be a harsh reviewer. I write this review with great respect for your writing skill, and I would hate for my words to dent your confidence, so please don't allow them. My opinions are by nature subjective and are not gospel. Please feel free to chat with me if you'd like. My inbox is always open for a friendly PM.
A — forget logic; think plot
Logic decrees that a reader can only understand a story when they know the context of it. Right? Forget logic. Readers keep reading fast-paced books because they DON'T understand. As an opening, give your readers an awesome scene with a question behind it: how did this happen? What is actually going on? Classic plot structure uses the ABDCE approach, placing an Action first, and thereafter giving a Background to why it happened. The Development, Climax and Ending would complete the story.
I found that you started your novel with a whole chapter of background, instead of action. This gave it an info-dump feel — the reader has to slog through your character context and world-building before they can get to the juicy bits. You don't have to get rid of all the important details you've shared, but my advice would be to delay them. How much more hook would you get by leaving out the context of why and how they're here, their circumstances, and their exact names and ages? Give the readers a more fast-paced launch. Maybe start with the argument with Bash, or even the mission itself (I don't know the full plot of this story so forgive my assumptions about how it will continue.) Once the readers are worked up and invested, start giving them the satisfaction of understanding the details. At that point, they'll be thirsting for them and it won't be a slog.
B — first person for a reason
First person is intimate. When you are working in first person, you need to be sharing the emotions and flows of thought of your main character. It is grammatically perhaps simpler, but in terms of artistry, it is much harder to master. Your first person narrative is not conveying anything a third person narrative wouldn't. In fact, it is lacking in the very substance that makes first person the medium that it is. My advice would be to either brush up on your first person in a big way, or rewrite in third person limited form. Third person limited still allows a subjective representation of the facts of your novel, but gives you more leeway with what you share and what you hide.
A strong example of your disuse of first person is the part leading up to the fight with Bash. Your character expresses a grudging resolution to go to Bash's room and sort things out. She seems reluctant, like she's about to get a dressing-down. She steps into the room, apologizes, and then BAM attacks him in a flurry of words. Where did that come from? And then when Bash interrupts her furious tirade, she instantly shrinks back as though he is suddenly super intimidating, even though she just walked in and shouted at him. In first person, you would have to engage with the process that brings about her aggression, and what suddenly made her cower when he responded. You're writing a third person style narrative in a way that is more accessible for you but without fully considering what needs to change in your style to accomplish that. Btw, I recommend you prolong that argument. You wrote the tension well. Capitalize on it. Add more mystery details to it, but not to the point that it's incomprehensible. Work some of your info-dump into the dialogue. ("I know we've been having more bad times than good recently, but—") Also, I want to see more engagement in the power dynamic between the two leading up to the incident. What does your character think of Bash leading the missions with such a tight grip? Does she feel constrained by having to be the mom and jealous about Bash getting the glory? This is what first person should be doing. Convey those feelings.
I like what you've got here. Keep it flowing.
barefoot
thank you so much! This really helps and I will definitely take a second look at this. (and maybe a third and fourth look xD)
I've posted more chapters if you'd like to check those out as well!
I most certainly will.
No use critiquing plot if you've only read the first chapter, right? Besides, I'm keen to find out more about this story!
<3
I only have a few problems.
My first problem is, too much tell. You didn't show hardly anything. It's all, 'here's what happened, this is how a feel about it' it reads like a textbook and it gets boring quickly. The premise is good, but your style, or lack thereof, ruins it.
My second problem is, you introduce too many characters at once. What you did was essentially say 'I was in a room, there were people, here are their names'. What I would have done was describe the experience more, show, don't tell. (ex. I woke in a plain white room. I blinked the light from my eyes and sat up, somehow I knew I was dead. I heard shuffling to my right and looked over to see six other forms sprawled about on the pristine floor. We all got to our feet and looked around, but before any of us could say anything, a man appeared in the room with us. He was an angel. I didn't know how I knew, I just did, much like how I knew I was dead. I remember he looked like us, as normal as can be, but I could never remember what happened next.) Yeah, that was an example, so don't use it please, I just find it easier to illustrate my point through examples.
thank you for your opinion.
I only have a few problems.
My first problem is, too much tell. You didn't show hardly anything. It's all, 'here's what happened, this is how a feel about it' it reads like a textbook and it gets boring quickly. The premise is good, but your style, or lack thereof, ruins it.
My second problem is, you introduce too many characters at once. What you did was essentially say 'I was in a room, there were people, here are their names'. What I would have done was describe the experience more, show, don't tell. (ex. I woke in a plain white room. I blinked the light from my eyes and sat up, somehow I knew I was dead. I heard shuffling to my right and looked over to see six other forms sprawled about on the pristine floor. We all got to our feet and looked around, but before any of us could say anything, a man appeared in the room with us. He was an angel. I didn't know how I knew, I just did, much like how I knew I was dead. I remember he looked like us, as normal as can be, but I could never remember what happened next.) Yeah, that was an example, so don't use it please, I just find it easier to illustrate my point through examples.
Okay. Hello, I am hopefully gonna review this piece for you.
First off: Let me easy it off with my favorite part- the praise.
I love your writing style in general, and how you set up your story. You chose some pretty unique names, and I love them. Especally, Ryka. It is a sexy name, in my opinion.
Secondly: Some of your sentences are a little outta whack, the words are in the wrong position, but are the right words.
Like, ShadowVyper said, though....
So for now, Liz out...
thank you
untitled - chapter two
posted chapter two, review it if you'd like
Hey elysian! Shady here with a review for you!
~ I just wanted to mention how much I really love this nameMy first gut-reaction is to really like this story. You started it off very well, and I like the tone of the narrator. As a personal preference I tend to prefer 3rd person narratives, but I think you did very well with this first person perspective. I think it adds to your story fairly significantly, and I appreciate it.
You also did good with your hook. Right off the bat I have a bunch of questions about how and why Kaydence got to where she is, and it is intriguing enough that I want to read on to find the answers to those questions. Well done!
I think your narrative struggles a bit here. This kind of feels like an info dump. Even with first-person stories you want to aim for showing more than telling, and I think you can easily rephrase this to convey the information without blatantly telling us.
Hmm, not loving this part either. I liked how you started it, saying he's just a kid and saying how old he is. I think you also pulled off comparing it with Kaydence's age and saying she's second oldest. Even throwing in Sebastian kinda worked. But then talking about Xander and Aileen and Indiana and Anna honestly just felt kinda tiresome.
Maybe instead you could say something like "the others fell somewhere in between" or something like that? Unless it becomes important later somehow? Because right now it feels like irrelevant information that's just slowing down the plot.
One more thing I noticed is your paragraph length. Most of the paragraphs seem a little long, but this one in particular is really long. The longer your paragraphs, the more mental strain it takes on your readers. I personally make a habit of making shorter, easy to read paragraphs and I think I'd recommend breaking this one up into at least two if not three paragraphs instead of one.
~
Why does she start accusing Bash as soon as she walks into his room? I mean if she's afraid of him exploding, why is she provoking it? It seems like she's purposefully trying to make him mad, going into a lecture about his failings rather than just talking about the current issue between them.
~
Overall this was a really good first chapter! I am intrigued by your story line, and I think you have interesting characters so far. It was a little hard to keep up with so many characters being introduced in such a short period and I might recommend you focusing more time on developing Bash and Kaydence here, and introducing the other characters later -- but honestly what you have isn't overly hard to follow. It's just a little difficult.
But I did really enjoy your story! It's very well written as well as having a great voice for your narrator. I'd be interested in reading more of this story if you decide to post it. Hope this helped!
Keep Writing!
~Shady
thank you for all the praise
I will go back and edit the parts you mentioned to hopefully make them tell less and show more.
She starts accusing Bash because that is just a personality flaw, they both have anger issues, and she was mad because he was mad at her lol.
thank you!
Hi elysian! Thanks for requesting a review, and I hope this helps!
you have an opportunity to add more details on why they have this pressure upon them. If they came back to life, in a way, then why are they forced to work together, and fight demons and such?First Thoughts
I like this idea. Stories playing on what happens after death is a topic that never gets old, so I’m excited to see where you take this. The whole twenty or two years confuses me a little, since it seems that someone would think they were dead longer than a shorter amount of time, if the years passed by mindlessly? The six years sentence makes more sense, but I’d love a little more insight on her tattoo. That sounds pretty interesting, so maybe you could describe what it at least looks like right now, so later on, you could allude to the fact that more time than not passed, or what not?
Characters
Kaydence is an interesting main protagonist. To start off, that name is seriously cool. I’m feeling a little conflicted by her though. By this quote,
If there’s not a clear reason for this, then you could add that into your character’s thoughts, by kind of showing they’re in the same position as the reader, in not knowing why they have to do these things.
This line by Kaydence also,
makes me think for a little while. On one hand, okay, I get it if others don’t like conflict, but if the characters are fighting pretty often, which ones are they fighting against? Does Bash just not get involved in those conflicts, or everyone gains up on a single, poor soul?
In another way, though, if these characters had already been dead from at least twenty years, wouldn’t some of these characters know at least something about each other’s past? Without snooping? Just some thoughts I had while reading this.
This actually reminds me of Maximum Ride, in the sense that all of these characters were kind of thrown together, and relationships sort of formed. If you’re looking to have different viewpoints, then that will be interesting since these characters are pretty close in age, which already takes away the opportunity to use a greater age difference to differentiate.
Continuing on with that, I almost think you have too many characters to start off with, unless you want to give a very early explanation as to why these seven individuals all serve together. Like, I’m guessing they died the same day? And, were they just forced to work with each other, even if tempers rise a lot, apparently? Also, where do they live between missions? Like, do they live in a version of heaven, or just where they had previously finished killing demons?
Conflict
I’m guessing that these characters could either rise up against Gaderel and their “bosses,” or have an earlier showdown between Kaydence and Bash, if not other characters. It’ll be interesting to see what recurring demons can appear, or maybe even other angels to add in the plot.
Final Thoughts
I like this idea of yours, and the overall plot intrigues me. Keydance is a decent narrator, and I like how she views things. I think there are some rooms for improvement, but this is a starter chapter, and it’s not a bad introduction. I’m definitely looking forward to that first action scene!
I hope this helped and good luck with the rest of your novel!
thank you! This did really help, and I will definitely be editing it.
The twenty years thing meant it had actually been twenty years since they died, and I did that because I didn't want the possibility of them running into people they knew before they died to be apart of my story, but I understand why that could be confusing. The two years is how many years it has been since they were put back on Earth.
I really like your idea of them all dying on the same day and that being the reason they're stuck together. I hadn't really thought about that. But that could be a good reason why they were put together.
I'm also thinking about getting rid of Anna, as I don't think she's too essential to my plot.
Between missions, they live in abandoned houses and such.
thank you for your review! It helped a lot
You%u2019re welcome! Oh, the time thing makes a lot more sense, thanks XD.
I%u2019m glad it helped : D
I was wondering if you could clear up what you meant by, "On one hand, okay, I get it if others don%u2019t like conflict, but if the characters are fighting pretty often, which ones are they fighting against? Does Bash just not get involved in those conflicts, or everyone gains up on a single, poor soul?"
??
Oh, so what I mean is I was confused by the fact that Kaydence said she was the only one who argued with Bash, but she also said that all of the occupants fight often, in like %u201Cwe were having more days than good.%u201D I was not sure as to how the so-called temper flares happen.
In other words, how do these fights occur, if all of the characters are not fighting? Basically, it is a small detail, but I like getting into minor details.
I would say maybe to allow for Kaydence to add that Bash is not involved with those fights all of the characters get into, since that could be why she only she stands up to him. It is basically fine right now, though. I just wanted to see if you meant to write it like that.
If that did not clear it up, then sorry, and please ask XD.