***
Aria smiled, her sweet eyes meeting mine, “I love you, Sebastian. I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”
I took her face in my hands and kissed her sweetly, “I love you. Forever.” She nodded at this, pulling me on top of her so that we were laying on her bed. We kissed passionately, and butterflies danced in my stomach, god she was amazing.
I pulled away and looked at her, she was so beautiful, like an angel. She had strawberry blonde hair and golden eyes like looked like honey. I could spend the rest of my life in her arms. I knew we were only 16, but it felt so real.
“So, I have something else for you,” I said sheepishly, digging in my pocket to find the diamond promise ring I had gotten. I pulled it out, presenting it to her, “With this, I promise I will love you forever, and I hope you will wear this ring as a reminder that I promise to one day replace it with a wedding band.” I was blushing, I had never felt so vulnerable and unsure. Her face was stuck in pained surprise, and she was quiet for a long moment. “Un-Unless, you don’t want to make that kind of commitment, I-I understand, no worries,” I said quickly, flustered, and started to put the ring back in my pocket.
She stopped my hand, “Wait,” and I met her smiling face, “I love it, thank you.” I smiled, relieved. I slid it onto her finger, and it seemed to fit perfectly. “You know, you being so sweet and it being our one year anniversary, you’re kind of turning me on,” She giggled, and my heart leaped.
She looked at me with those eyes that were so filled with desire they seemed to make my body temperature skyrocket. I grabbed her face with her hand, smashing my lips into her, hungry for her love. We made love, slow and steady, and tiredly cuddled naked after. I stared around at her light pink walls, so light it was barely a hue of pink, and her mahogany dressers. Her room was a reflection of her younger self, careless and girly. Her parents had shown me pictures of her, playing dress up at the age of six in an identical scene.
I must’ve drifted off at some point after that thought.
-
chapter word count: 398
total word count: 20,677
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Risen - chapter thirteenPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
Hey Del!
Shady back for another review! I'm super surprised that this chapter is so short! I was just coming by to skim over it to estimate how much time to carve out tomorrow to do it, but this is a totally doable chunk that I'll review now (
then I can complain about not having anything new to read heheh)Oop. Bit of a typo here. Did you mean "that" instead of the first "like" maybe?
Ewwww. ;P
Seriously, though, what is the point of this flashback? If Aria is going to become an important plot point later on then I guess this is okay. But if I'm being perfectly honest, everything in me wants to know what's going on with Bash right now. Last chapter was pretty compelling cause there was a fight and then a new character introduced -- but even then I wanted to know what was happening with Bash.
And now we have a Bash scene and it's just a him screwing around with a girl. And it's not bad... but it is a tiny bit of a let down? I mean I want to know what's happening to him now, what came from all that drama from the last time we saw him? I'm kinda itching for that scene. So having a flashback was a bit anti-climatic, especially since I can't immediately see how it's relevant?
As a chapter by itself though it was pretty good! Interesting scene, good characterization, uncomfortably good imagery
And with that! She's all caught up! Woo~
Looking forward to the next chapter! Keep writing!
~Shady
So, I think this is how I want you to feel? It'll make sense in the future, but If I didn't mess with the reader a little bit and draw out some mystery and suspense, then when I finally fill in the blanks it'll be nice. I don't know I love reading books like that so xD but it's supposed to be short and choppy but I also want to draw this flashback out a little more but I don't really know how to?
Hey del! I'm finally back for some more <33
so I'm thinking this might be a pretty short review, but I'll try my best for you here!
Immediately, I feel like I've walked into the middle of a scene? Like, I kind of wish there had been some lead-up to the "I love you" and "I don't know what I did to deserve you" yadda yadda, you know? That's pretty heavy generally but it feels almost...too casually thrown in here.
First of all, there should be a period before "god she was amazing" but I'm not here for the technical stuff. So Bash thinks she's really amazing and they're so in love and so forth, but why should I care for them right now? I mean, from the previous chapter, Bash is obviously sleeping around, but is this another fling for him or is this closer to him actually being in love? And if so...there's nothing before this to go on. And pre-established relationships are great! but like...it's just very sudden.
OF COURSE this will probably be irrelevant when I read on in like, three seconds but HERE WE ARE ANYWAY.
oh GOD
wow holy geez bash is nice? bash is "in love"? bash wants to marry? bash is a Nervous Boy? i am Unsettled.
If you're using "met" in this context, I would have put some sort of indicator it was with his eyes? because without like, "My eyes met her smiling face" or something, "met" doesn't...stand well on its own.
I almost wish this had been expanded upon? Like, is she still careless and girly? If she's not, what changed her? Did something happen to her? I take it from "her younger self" that she isn't anymore, but that leads me to wonder why. Especially if she hasn't changed her surroundings to match her personality change.
I hope this makes sense lol
I'm sensing a Tragedy about to happen in Bash's past story. hm. My senses are tingly. I'm a writer it's not weird I promise.
I think that's all I have for you today! I hope that was somewhat helpful haha. Keep up the good work, you're doing so great! (20k! yay! I know you were already there BUT STILL!)
I hope you're having a great time <3
OH GOD I SKIPPED CHAPTER ELEVEN rip I'm so sorry I'll try to get around to that as soon as possible
HA IT'S OKAY!! yayyyy I'm glad you noticed that this was when bash was sweet and in love and NORMAL. so the timeline on this whole thing is confusing??? like the first flashback of his is from when he was 17 or 18 and this is 16. so I kinda want all his flashbacks to be fragmented and not in order so that at some point I can make it all connect and make sense. thank you wifeeee <3