Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
***
I smiled at her naked body as she left to shower. She smiled at me as she closed the door, and my smile faded as soon as she shut the door. I rolled over to the side of her bed, pulling on my boxers and grabbing my backpack.
I walked over to her window, where a tray, kind of like the ones you get when you go through the line at school for lunch, was set. I pulled my grinder and swishers from my bag, also grabbing the knife out of the pocket of my jeans that were sprawled on the floor.
I cut open the swisher, gutting the tobacco and setting the guts aside. I quickly emptied my grinder of it’s weed and packed the blunt. The smell was enticing, and I yearned for the high, yearned to not think.
I carefully rolled it, taking my lighter out and running the flame back and forth on it. Finally, after a few minutes of impatience, I lit the end and took a deep hit, filling my lungs with intoxication. It scratched at my throat as I blew it out the window into the night sky, and my eyes watered as I coughed.
I continued this process until I finished the blunt, each inhale lifting me higher into the night sky. When I finally finished it, I could feel the beating of my heart behind my eyes and the street lights seemed to signal to me with flashes of bright light. The fog filled my brain and leaned back, finding the edge of the bed.
I grabbed my phone, noticing I had five new messages. One from Taylor, a hot cheerleader I had casual sex with, another from Sarah, the nerd with a thing for bad boys, Natalie, an average looking girl that I had flirted with off and on for years, and two snapchats-probably nudes-from Kara and Trystan, the well-known sluts of Taylor High.
I sent back half-hearted replies, telling Trystan that we should hang out tomorrow night. Natalie was upset that we were going nowhere because I’m too scared of commitment, to which I replied, “No baby, I love you more than anything. I’ve just been so busy with school. Study date this weekend?”
I nearly jumped when Kendall wrapped her arm around me from behind, kissing my shoulder. “Hi baby, she murmured. I closed my phone screen, grabbing her arm. Without saying anything, I turned around, switching places with her and sitting on the side of the bed.
Kendall was beautiful. She was popular, rich, and could be with anyone she wanted. She had dark brown hair that almost touched her waist and big, dark eyes. Her freckles scattered across her nose and cheeks and her lips were full. She was petite with smooth curves and I was so hungry for her.
She climbed onto my lap, taunting me with her eyes. She leaned in as if to kiss my lips but instead moved to my neck, grabbing my hair. She knew that drove me crazy. I picked her up, throwing her onto the bed and kissing her fiercely. She sighed with pleasure, which just added to my intensity. My hand trailed up her leg, slowly but intently. She grabbed my hand, and I pulled my lips from hers.
“I just took a shower!” she laughed. I rolled my eyes, frustration setting in. I climbed off her, laying on my back and looking at the ceiling. Other than our fast breathing, an awkward silence filled the room. My thoughts were jumbled, the high getting the best of me, and it took me a few moments to process.
“I’m sorry,” Kendall whispered after a while. The guilt in her voice made my stomach sink.
“It’s not you, it’s me. I’m fucked up,” I sighed, rolling out of her bed. I grabbed my phone, five messages. It was close to midnight, and I needed to get home before my dad had too much to drink.
“Where are you going?” she whined. “I thought you were spending the night?”
I pulled on my jeans and tee-shirt, “I don’t stay the night with anyone, don’t take it personally,” and with that, I left.
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chapter word count: 706
total word count: 16,056
End of chapter
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hey Del!
At this point you know my game, so I won't waste any time explaining. Let's see if we can get this bad-boy written
Goodness that's quite the opening line, isn't it? Who is this flashback for? Going from the boxers comment in the last line of the first paragraph I'm going to guess Bash, but I don't really know either??
Gutting the guts? I would suggest trying to find another word. Maybe setting the crushed tobacco or something aside instead? Especially with your repetition of the word "yearned" immediately after this, I would recommend trying to find a way to reduce the repetition of the guts here.
The fog leaned back and found the edge of the bed?? This sentence doesn't really make sense...
Wow this is... quite the sentence. Maybe some different punctuation would make it flow a bit better? I don't know what to suggest, though. Hm... maybe just put some semi-colons between each new person you describe? Like "One from Taylor, a hot cheerleader I had casual sex with; another from Sarah" etc., you see what I'm saying?
Jeeeeeerk. Definitely Bash's flashback, eh? >.>
~ ~ ~
Okay! Another good chapter! It was pretty short so I don't have a ton to say beyond what I already commented on above. This kind of makes me not like him even more, but at the same time is a fascinating flashback into the pretty playboy he was in his first life, so all in all a useful, interesting chapter.
Keep writing!
~Shady
thank you thank you <3
Hi there! Here to save your chapter from the Green Room ~
So, even though I don't have any prior context, I like that I'm still able to follow the arc of this chapter and at least understand everything that is going on in this context. I also really like the strong indirect characterization you going on with the narrator in this scene. Just the fact that he's messaging five other girls while he is sleeping with this girl shows us how little he values these women and is really just looking out for his own needs. Even if I don't like him, I'm still interested in him and his story, so I'd be likely to read on.
Just as a quick note, since you use the f-word in this section, it really should be rated 18+ as that's the only word that warrants an automatic rating.
I'll start with some technical things. A lot of sentences have the subject of the narrator, or "I." This made this section have a choppier flow and made it more difficult to get immersed in the writing. This is one of the hardest things of first person writing because you feel like your narrator has to filter everything for the reader, but sometimes its much more effective to simply state how it is. Try to vary the subjects.
Another thing that would help with the flow is varying the sentence structure, so it isn't always subject, verb, predicate. Adding in extra clauses and descriptive phrases maybe ending or prefacing the sentences would very much improve the flow and make the narration feel more natural to read, which would result in a much more engaged reader.
Content wise, I just wish there was a little bit more to the scene. I understand (from the review) that this is a flashback, but maybe grounding it more in the context of the novel around it would give much more impact to the reader and how this relates to the events going on. It just feels short, but I'm not sure what it is you're wanting the reader to get out of this so I can't give any concrete suggestions.
Regardless, I think you're doing well and I wish you the best to keep writing! Let me know if you have any other questions ~
- Wolfe
<3 thank you!
hey del! I'm back, as always
Okay so, one of the first things I noticed was the first eight paragraphs start with "I" ("I smiled", "I walked", "I cut", etc) So? I would fix that because it's,, kinda distracting.
Also I noticed you didn't put whose point of view this was in at the top. (Although you said it was Bash's, didn't you?) I don't know if that was on purpose, so it could be revealed later, or if you missed that lol.
don't like whoever's perspective this is in. pretty sure it's Bash's. I really don't like him either way.
Okay so this was pretty short and I'm not sure I have much...collective thought about it? It's definitely feels very different from the rest of the story and narrative. I have a guess on where this is going, but of course, I suppose I'll just have to wait for more then to find out.
Despite the fact this scene is kinda,, y'know. nasty? I still think there was room to expand on it and the ending. I mean, I guess you are sort of nudging in the direction the character is going with "he has to get back to his dad", but I think I? Would have liked to see him leaving this girl's place. Also, if they're in high school, what about parents? Where are hers? Do they care if he's there or not?
Also I'm going to word this is the best way possible but I'm also not sure I can so yikes I'm sorry in advance but? I do find it odd that Kendall initiated contact with him and then just...decided to use her shower as an excuse not to?? Like, if she was uncomfortable I could totally understand that, but she seems perfectly willing?????? I DON'T KNOW I feel like that's a terrible observation and she should absolutely have a right to deny him so feel free to iGNOre this.
I think that's all I have for you today! I don't have much because the chapter was shorter. I don't like the narrator, and I...didn't love this chapter to be honest but that's more of a personal opinion. I like the story still! And you know I'll be around for more!! This chapter just,, I didn't like it as much (even though this probably plays a role in the storyline and ?bash's? past).
I hope you're having a wonderful day and keep it up!! <3
Ha, okay,
so looks like I'm doing a good job <3
so yes I did intentionally not tell you who's memory this is, as when Kaydence had a flashback I didn't mention it either. But maybe I will add in her saying his name somewhere cause I did do that with Kayden's.
I will def go back and change starting everything with I oops lol.
I plan on expanding this a little but Bash's past is going to be more fragmented than the rest of the gang's, so that's why there isn't much to it.
and so, she took a shower because they just had sex, so when she came back she just wanted to make out instead of going through all the nastiness again :p
I know this chapter needs some work. but as i've said, i want you to hate Bash.
love u