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16+ Language Violence

The Risen - chapter four

by elysian


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Kaydence

The trees zoomed past my window in a blur. It was probably around 1 pm, as we left later than expected. Aileen took forever to finish packing, and eventually, I had to tell her to leave things behind. She was probably the one with the most stuff out of the six of us and packed the heaviest. I looked behind me, noticing her sleeping in the back of the SUV.

Next to her, Xander was holding Indie in his arms. Indie was watching the world blur past her, much like I had been. I feel like Indiana has always had a love/hate relationship with our job. Considering she was named after Indiana Jones, it was clear the freedom she sought. She had always seemed to love going to new places and exploring. It showed through her spontaneous personality as well, always asking to go out and do new things, although everyone else seemed to be more introverted.

And her brother, Archie, was always getting in trouble. He was very rebellious, mostly to spite his sister's need to act like a mother to him. I found this almost humorous, considering the danger Indie puts herself in on her "adventures", but that's just how it works, I guess.

Sebastian was currently driving, and the silence between us was killer. We didn't speak about what had happened last night, and I assumed both of us felt better forgetting it ever did.

Everyone drove me crazy with questions earlier this morning, asking what had happened. I kept it vague, telling them I just had a really weird dream and that I must've been stressed and dehydrated. I didn't want them to know what I think that "weird" dream was. I was honestly confused myself.

My first thought is that it's a memory. That's what it had honestly felt like, and Xander had remembered his family in a dream during the first year we were here. I couldn't control anything I was doing because it had already happened. But what happened after that? I left him right? Moved on with my life?

It's scary to think of my age. I was definitely 18 in that memory, and I died when I was 19. How did I die? Did Cam's violence escalate after I left him? If I left him...

I just remember how much love I held in my heart for him. Even when he...hit me. I remember being confused but in love. Was I so blinded by that feeling that I wouldn't have left? I was so oblivious and naive if I did.

Pulling into a gas station, Bash says, "Gas stop. If you need something, get it now. I don't want to hear any of you complaining about needing to go to the bathroom or being hungry the rest of the night."

He put the SUV in park, opening the door and stepping out. "Is it just me or is he more tense than usual today?" Indie said from the back.

"His aura is dark green. My guess is resentment," I answered, rolling my eyes.

Aileen yawned as she opened the door, and everyone except Xander followed suit. "Is he still angry that Gaderel came to you instead of him? That is quite over-dramatic, in my opinion."

“When is Sebastian not over-dramatic?” Indie cut in, rolling her eyes.

Aileen, Archie, and I giggled in return. The gas station was small and a bit rundown. There wasn't anyone else there except for an old man that looked to be in his sixties behind the counter. The small store itself had a drink dispenser and rows of various snacks, and we spread out throughout the store.

I went to to the chips aisle, hoping to find something spicy. unconsciously I looked around, making sure everyone was still in my line of vision. After mentally checking off everyone in my head, I went back to looking at my options. Nothing looked very appetizing and I decided I could survive a car ride without a snack. It couldn't be worse than the time we were in North Dakota, freezing, and homeless. Of course, that was on one of our first assignments and we didn't really know what we were doing.

"It's not what it looks like!" I heard Archie say loudly from a couple aisles behind me. I turned around and noticed that the man behind the desk had gotten up and was now staring at him, not saying anything. I quickly walked over to Archie finding him with candy in pockets and hands.

I sighed, "I'm sorry sir, he will put everything back and I'll give some money for the trouble."

Archie started putting the candy away, and I looked away from him to the man who was still silently standing there, not saying anything. I reach in my pocket and take out a five dollar bill, unfolding it and looking up to hand it to the man. He stared at it for an uncomfortable amount of time, standing perfectly still and staring at the same spot as before.

"Uh, sir?" He didn't flinch, almost as if he was a machine that turned off and was no longer functioning. Suddenly, I got a bad feeling in my gut, telling me something was off. I grabbed Archie with my unoccupied hand, backing up slowly and lowering the five-dollar bill.

"Guys, time to go!" I shouted, loud enough for everyone to hear. As soon as the words left my mouth the man's skin started to move. It looked as if bugs were crawling beneath his skin, distorting it in inhuman ways. I watched in horror as the man's skin began to peel off, revealing a being with razor sharp teeth and black holes as eyes.

I quickly snapped back to reality, "Archie, blind him!" I yell, pulling him behind me. Everyone dropped what was in their hands and got ready to fight. Where was Bash when you needed him? He was the only one with a truly active power.

The demon started looking around in confusion, and I took my opportunity to strike. I kicked in his chest, hard, sending him into a shelf of donuts. The demon snarled, regaining his vision and standing up.

The demon started towards me and I felt Indie and Aileen tense into fighting stances behind me. Suddenly, Bash and Xander crashed into the store, distracting the demon. With his moment of hesitation, I decided to roundhouse kick him, sending him sideways towards Indie, who sent an uppercut to his chin.

He stumbled backward, losing his balance. Xander came up behind him, throwing him to the ground, "Sebastian, now!"

Sebastian threw his hand towards the demon, sending him into flames. We all watched for a few seconds as the flames engulfed the demon and sent him into a series of screams reflecting excruciating pain.

We quickly left once we knew he would not survive, hopping into the SUV, and zooming out of the gas station, leaving the gas station to burn to the ground.

“That was close. What were you guys thinking? How did you not notice a freaking demon standing right before you?” Sebastian yelled. I looked over at his hands, noticing his knuckles were turning white from gripping the steering wheel so hard.

“He looked like a human, Bash. demons don’t usually look like humans,” Indie answered, annoyed.

“Are we talking about the same demon here? Whatever that was, it definitely wasn’t human.” He grit his teeth, speeding up to 70 miles-per-hour.

“Well, obviously. He shed his skin or something. They seem to be evolving in some way, or maybe we’ve just never come across one with this kind of power.”

“Evolving or not, how could you be so stupid? Someone could’ve been killed, and that was only one demon! If it wasn’t for me and Xander walking in, one of you could’ve been demon food.” The speedometer read 85 now.

“We had it under control, Bash, you’re not the hero of everything, you know.”

“Sure looked like it!” 95.

“For Christ’s sakes, slow down!” I yelled, clenching my fists. Sebastian immediately let off of the gas.

Everyone was quiet due to my sudden outburst, and the car slowly got to a comfortable speed of 50. No one said anything for quite some time, and I used this silence to calm myself down. I took three deep breaths, counting to 3 for each inhale and exhale.

“We need to be smarter. Instead of constantly fighting,” I spit, emphasizing my words in Sebastian’s direction, “We need to come up with a plan to be ready for whatever we might be facing in New York. Okay?”

Everyone was quiet, and I felt the tensions were still high-strung. We all stayed like that for about an hour, calming our minds.

“Bash, let’s pull over. I’ll start driving.” He nodded, pulling into a random parking lot. He got out without a word, and we switched seats. When I settled into my new seat, I looked at everyone, twisting my lips. I looked at Sebastian, pleading with my eyes for him to do something.

He sighed, “Guys, we need to come up with a plan until we get to New York and can talk to Gaderel.”

Aileen perked up, “What would you suggest?”

He hesitated, glancing back at me. “Well, maybe we should only go places where there are crowds. Demons prefer to stay out of the limelight, so they’re more likely not to attack in crowded places. We also only have about 4 to 5 hours away from New York at this point, so we might not even need to stop again until we get there. We just need to be more observant of our surroundings if more demons can look human.” Everyone nodded in agreement.

“Okay, with that in mind, Let’s continue,” I said, putting the car in drive and getting back on the road.

***

I had been driving for what seemed like forever, and my eyes were getting tired. Why hadn't I napped? I looked over at the digital clock on the dash, 5:57 am. I sighed, quickly rubbing my hand over my eyes.

I glanced over at Sebastian, who was peacefully asleep. I never really saw him like that, it seemed like his face was made to be set in a scowl. However, now he looked younger and untroubled. I let myself wonder what he was dreaming about. Did he remember anything from his past? And would he tell us if he did?

I also looked in my mirror to see everyone but Xander asleep. He caught my eye, and I turned back to the road.

Need a break? I heard in my head, in Xander's voice. I nodded, pulling onto the side of the road. There weren't many cars going through at this time so I wasn't worried about getting hit.

We both quietly got out of the SUV, trying not to wake the other. We stood outside of the care, taking in the peace and quiet.

"Have you gotten any sleep yet?" I asked him in a soft voice.

"Some, I will be alright. We only have a little over an hour till we are there, and you kind of look like shit, honestly, Kaydence." He chuckled as I rolled my eyes, getting into the back seat next to Indie, pulling her into my lap as she had been with Xander.

Xander had always been quieter than the rest of us, choosing to mostly use his powers with the mind to speak unless talking one on one or to everyone at once. He had always been somewhat of a brother to me, considering we were the same age and didn't have many personality clashes at all, really.

He kind of balanced me out and taught me the lesson of choosing my words wisely and watching what I think. He hasn't completely mastered reading minds, in fact, he could only really do it when he was really concentrating, but he was getting better at it as time went on.

It was honestly a good thing, in my opinion, that our powers were growing over time. It meant we could take on bigger and badder demons. Although, I don't know how my power could progress over time, consider all I can do is read stupid auras. What good does that do? Why couldn't I have gotten an active power like Bash's?

I watched out my window as more and more buildings zoomed past us, unaware of what power we held in that SUV. The people in that car was my family. Through thick and thin, through fighting demons and dealing with angels, my family. I would do anything to protect them, and I know they would do the same for me.

-

chapter word count: 2,115

total word count: 8,041


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Sat Jun 23, 2018 4:37 am
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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey!

I'm back again to help you out with that action/fight scene, as requested. I know it's a bit tacky to claim two reviews off one work, but I'm probably going to have quite a bit to say about it so I think that'll hopefully substantiate two reviews.

Though I am going to tackle this one a bit different from my normal ones, and with any luck it'll turn out helpful. I've never actually really helped much with other people writing fight scenes, so let me know if something is confusing or just downright doesn't make sense and I'll do my best to clarify. Let's get started...

So for writing action scenes, you need to focus on the who, the what, and the how of the conflict. Who is attacking whom, what kind of attack is being used [weapon vs. hand to hand, long range weapon - bow, firearm, magic - vs close range weapon - brass knuckles, staff, sword, etc.], and how is the attack being made. Say your character is using a sword to attack -- that still leaves a ton of possibilities of how the attack is being made. Is it an overhanded attack? A blow towards their side? A thrust towards their abdomen? A lower cut towards their legs? Is it a soft blow to feel out their opponent's strengths and weaknesses, or is it a hard blow with all their might in an attempt to overpower them?

I used sword as an example because that's the fight scenes I write most frequently so I know it well, but it's applicable to all fight scenes. You need to think about the type of attack/weapon and how that would look. I personally found it really helpful to watch clips of fighting scenes from movies and then try to describe in meticulous detail exactly what happened. I didn't try to make that good prose -- I used it as an exercise to improve my attention to detail. Once you know the basics of how to describe a good fight, you can get an idea of what you want your own fight to look like. And speaking of your own fight, let's move there now...

I watched in horror as the man's skin began to peel off, revealing a being with razor sharp teeth and black holes as eyes.


This isn't strictly the fight part yet, but I think you could describe this demon in more detail to make it more interesting. I kinda envisioned a Men in Black sort of cockroach alien here. You talk of his teeth and black holes as eyes, but what of his skin? What color is it? Normal human-ish flesh or like a hard exoskeleton? Does he have two eyes or some other number? Is he still standing on two legs like a human and have two arms? Or is that also modified somehow? Getting a good idea of the opponent will help set you up well for the fight to follow.

I quickly snapped back to reality, "Archie, blind him!" I yell, pulling him behind me. Everyone dropped what was in their hands and got ready to fight. Where was Bash when you needed him? He was the only one with a truly active power.


"Pulling him behind me" is okay, it gets the point across -- but it doesn't have a sense of desperation. What about using more descriptive words to get the panic across? Like "I stumbled/scrambled backwards, tripping over Archie as I shoved him behind me."

The "Everyone dropped hat was in their hands and got ready to fight" is also adequate -- but frankly a bit... anticlimactic? This scene would be stronger if you gave us an image of what that looks like. Did their fingers just kind of uncurl and let the things slip to the floor? Or did they throw the items down forcefully? I kind of would imagine it would be the latter.

"Indie threw the bag of chips she was holding to the ground as she lunged towards the aisle where I stood. Aileen was already behind me, fists clenched and jaw hard as she stared at the demon in a murderous silence. Archie broadened his stance and stepped around my shoulder as he lifted his hand to cast the blinding spell."

I think I mentioned in the review below I'd like to see what Archie actually does. If his powers were mentioned in a previous chapter I apologize, because I don't remember that even a little lol. But how do his powers work? How is he able to blind the demon?

Does a white beam of light shoot from his palm and strike the demon's face? Does he conjure up a dark cloud to hang in front of the demon's eyes? Is it ae visible attack (like the light shooting from his palm) or is it just something where he says some magic words and suddenly the demon is disoriented? Really focus on how the blinding is taking place, and describe it to us.

The demon started looking around in confusion, and I took my opportunity to strike.


This is another opportunity you have to add in some descriptors. "started looking around in confusion" is okayyyyyy -- but what about something more like "The demon stumbled backwards, blinking stupidly and clawing at the air in front of his face in an attempt to clear his eyes. He whipped his head back and forth in confusion, vainly trying to regain his sight."

Here you go from a statement of an action to a whole new "wow" giving us a mental image of what's happening.

I kicked in his chest, hard, sending him into a shelf of donuts. The demon snarled, regaining his vision and standing up.


Here is another example where you don't really fully show us what's going on. Sure you said she kicked him into a shelf of donuts -- but that doesn't necessarily imply that he fell down, and yet you have him gathering himself up. And why did he regain his vision so suddenly?

"I kicked his chest, hard, sending him stumbling into the display him. The shelf collapsed under his weight as he fell against it, sending him sprawling to the ground under a shower of pre-packaged donuts. The demon snarled in irritation and picked himself up off the ground, stomping on one of the cakes as he turned to fully face me. He blinked twice more then lunged towards me, vision cleared enough he could identify his next target."

Actually, I don't love that last sentence that I just wrote, but nothing is coming to mind that I like better lol. It's late and I'm tired -- but I'm sure that if you played around with it you could find something that works better.

The demon started towards me and I felt Indie and Aileen tense into fighting stances behind me.


Here's a place that could use more emotion. Is she completely cool with having a demon charging her? Cause I know I wouldn't be. I'd be internally freaking out, even if I kept my cool on the outside. Plus if you add in the descriptions of Indie and Aileen above as I suggested, then you don't have to mention it right here.

"I swallowed hard and squared my shoulders, forcing myself to stand my ground despite the panic that pounded through my veins. My stomach was fluttering, breathing shallow, hands trembling as I lifted them in a defense against the demon's advance. Indie and Aileen were just behind me, ready to jump into the fight the moment the demon gave them an opening/opportunity"

Suddenly, Bash and Xander crashed into the store, distracting the demon. With his moment of hesitation, I decided to roundhouse kick him, sending him sideways towards Indie, who sent an uppercut to his chin.


Here's another one where you could show rather than tell.

"Bash and Xander burst into the store so hard the bell over the door flew from its hook and clattered to the ground. The demon's head swung towards them, giving me all the distraction I needed to make my move. In it's moment of hesitation, I sprang to action with a roundhouse kick to his abdomen, sending him stumbling to the side where Indie waited. She threw her fist upwards as hard as she could, landing a blow solidly on the bottom of his chin."

There's another suggestion I'm not loving lol. Maybe I'm just not on my game tonight, but I'm struggling to write with the terms "uppercut" and "roundhouse kick" and make them believable, you know? Those are totally legit moves and you can totally keep them, I just tend not to use the language for what attacks my characters use -- I just describe it as much as I can.

For roundhouse kick I had a general idea for what that looked like, but honestly I actually Youtubed some examples of a roundhouse kick so I had a better idea of what I was looking at. Turns out you can roundhouse kick at the abdomen or at the head level. And it is enough to make someone stumble to the side -- but Indie is going to need to spring forward and be basically shoulder to shoulder with Kaydence for this work well, because she's not going to send the demon in a huge spiral -- it's just going to knock him off balance for the most part (and probably tick him off, but you know ;)).

He stumbled backward, losing his balance.


By "losing his balance" I'm kind of tempted to think he fell down again, but then Xander throws him to the ground so I'm guessing that's not the case.

"He stumbled backwards with an irritable growl, tripping over the items littering the aisle floor."

Xander came up behind him, throwing him to the ground, "Sebastian, now!"


Here think about how Xander threw him to the ground. Did he put him in a headlock and manually yank him to the ground? Did he grab both shoulders and give him a swift push flat onto his back? Did he grab one shoulder and push him into the shelves as he wrestled him to the ground? How easy was it? This makes it sound like it just took a push and suddenly the demon was on the ground, but demons are presumably resilient, so did the girls mess him up badly enough he was easy to take down or did it take more effort?

"Xander sprang forward from the opposite end of the aisle jumped on the demon's back. He threw his right arm around the demon's neck and wrestled him to the ground, barely getting his own body out of the way before the demon landed on the tile with a thud. He sprang to his feet and stumbled backwards, throwing a pleading look towards Bash for help before the demon could get up again. "Now!"

Sebastian threw his hand towards the demon, sending him into flames. We all watched for a few seconds as the flames engulfed the demon and sent him into a series of screams reflecting excruciating pain.


I also mentioned this in the other review as a place that can be reworded, I think, because the hand throwing is a bit confusing ;)

"Sebastian raised his hand, sending a bolt of fire from his palm that struck the demon. The flame spread quickly, engulfing the demon as we watched in a horrified silence. It spread across his body and crawled up his neck, making him screech in an other-worldly tone that was filled with every bit of agony we all knew he felt.

The demon lifted his hand to swat at the flame crawling up his face, but it was already ablaze. It let out another blood-curdling screech followed by a moan that chilled us all to the bone. It collapsed back against the ground, writhing weakly as its life burned away in front of us.

'Come on,' Bash said, jerking us from trance we'd sank into as we watched the demon's last breaths. 'Let's get out of here.'

I shook myself and put my arm around Archie, urging him towards the door that'd stuck open with the dramatic entrance of the other boys. It only took moments before we were all running, sprinting as quickly as we could towards the SUV. We piled in and zoomed out of the parking lot before we could even fasten our seat belts; before the rest of the gas station could catch fire from the burning carcass we left behind."

See what I did there? I added a ton of details. And I have no idea if that's how the scene is supposed to go or not since it came from your imagination not mine, lol. But I think the way I worded it gives you a pretty clear picture of how it's going down in my mind -- and if you added more details we'd have a better idea of how it's actually supposed to look.

And I also didn't give you all those suggestions because I'm expecting you to copy and paste it, obviously lol. You're welcome to use as many of my words to describe your scene as you'd like, but I'm completely not expecting you to use them all. You and I have different writing styles -- and that's fantastic! That's what makes it interesting to read different authors -- we each have a unique spin on things. So I don't want to see you just regurgitating my descriptions; I just gave them so that you'd have a concrete idea of what I meant when I was giving suggestions, and maybe spark some ideas of how you want to rewrite that scene (provided that you do want to re-write it, of course lol).

This review is getting ridiculously long so I'm going to end it here, but let me know if you have any questions about what I said or if you'd like any more feedback on any scene in particular. I think what you have is pretty good -- I was purposefully critical because who am I to deny you your literary brownies? ;)

~Shady 8)




ShadowVyper says...


Oh look at that, YWS has fixed the glitch that allowed two reviews on one work anyway lol. So behold, I give you the world's longest comment ;) hahaha



elysian says...


wow, that helped so much <3 thank you so much!!



ShadowVyper says...


Oh, cool... I'm glad it helped! I was getting self-conscious about the review and wasn't sure if it was decent or not. Glad you found it useful! <3



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Fri Jun 22, 2018 7:20 pm
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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Yoooooo,

So I am inexcusably late to the party, for which you have my deepest apologies. Thanks for being so patient while you waited for this review. I'll attempt to be more prompt when you post chapters in the future -- these past few weeks have just been crazy for me between my boss being a jerk and my best friend getting married. But let's get started, now that I'm here~

Considering she was named after Indiana Jones, it was clear the freedom she sought.


I think this sentence is overly tell-y. It kinda messes with the flow of this paragraph. I think it would be an improvement to just delete this one altogether. The paragraph is fine without it.

Sebastian was currently driving


This one reads weird because "was" is past tense and "currently" is present tense -- and it's a no-no to have that in the same sentence. I think it'd read fine if you just deleted the "currently" and kept the rest as it is: "Sebastian was driving..."

He put the SUV in park, opening the door and stepping out. "Is it just me or is he more tense than usual today?" Indie said from the back.


I would suggest separating these into separate paragraphs. Usually if dialogue follows an action it's the character who did the action that's speaking, but that's not the case. You switch from Bash to Indie and it took me a moment to figure out what was going on.

Aileen yawned as she opened the door, and everyone except Xander followed suit.


So everyone else yawned and opened a door? That's kinda how this sentence reads, but I'm guessing that's not what you're going for... lots of yawning lol.

Indie cut in, rolling her eyes.


There's a lot of eye-rolling going on in this scene. I would suggest you change the first instance of it -- I like it here better than the first time you had the eye roll, but I think they're a little close to each other to keep both.

“When is Sebastian not over-dramatic?” Indie cut in, rolling her eyes.


Okay going to quote this again cause I just thought of something. They all seem to be a bit skiddish around Bash -- like they only sass him behind his back for the most part. But they already opened the doors at this point... so wouldn't he be able to hear this? And wouldn't he have some sort of a reaction/response to the insult? And even if he doesn't, would the others be willing to laugh at it or would they be more like "o.o oooooh, snap, no she did not." sort of thing you know?

Aileen, Archie, and I giggled in return.


I'm also not loving this sentence, though honestly I can't really put my finger on why if that makes sense? And I know that's not excessively helpful... but maybe you could just make it be more like "We all laughed at her jab." or something? It's just that in my mind giggling is a really feminine characteristic -- and even then I sort of think of like little girls giggle. Adults laugh, chuckle, scoff, smirk, snort, etc. So to have Archie giggling just seems a bit weird.

unconsciously I looked around


I think the word you want here might be subconsciously? I'm pretty sure unconscious means you're blacked out like she was the night before ;)

He stared at it for an uncomfortable amount of time, standing perfectly still and staring at the same spot as before.


I feel like this sentence is self-contradictory. Is he staring at the money or is he staring at Archie?

He didn't flinch, almost as if he was a machine that turned off and was no longer functioning.


I really adore this description. Well done! <3

I yell, pulling him behind me.


How is Archie going to blind the demon if she is pulling him behind her? Wouldn't that put her directly in the line of fire?

The demon started looking around in confusion, and I took my opportunity to strike.


You have her telling Archie to blind him. And then you have him being momentarily blinded. But you never actually show us that Archie did as he was told. For all we know he could've been paralyzed in fear and unable to obey... okay that's probably unlikely but I do think this scene would benefit from having Archie having some active roles in the blinding.

Sebastian threw his hand towards the demon, sending him into flames.


Like... literally? Does he have to go pick up his hand when he's done? Or like... boomerang hand? Lol. Might want to reword that ;)

“He looked like a human, Bash. demons


I've noticed you've done this a few times. You might want to double check your sentences to be sure that when you start a new sentence the first word is capitalized. I did a double take on a few sentences trying to figure out if the period was a typo or if the first word of the new one just wasn't capitalized. It gets a wee bit confusing.

He grit his teeth


So, this advice doesn't originate with me so take it with a grain of salt. But when I used "someone grit his teeth" other reviewers corrected me that the correct form of that word is gritted. "He gritted his teeth" I dunno if that's correct or not, but since I don't know, and since I was advised that way, I've adopted that advice into my own writing.

so they’re more likely not to attack in crowded places.


I believe "less likely to" rather than "more likely not to" is the correct way to word this sentiment.

5:57 am.


I might have misunderstood but I think there's a discontinuity error here... you said they left about 1 pm. It seemed to be sometime in the afternoon when they fought with the demon. 5-6 hours to New York... wouldn't that put it approaching midnight? Not 6 am? Especially since they have an hour left to go?

We both quietly got out of the SUV, trying not to wake the other. We stood outside of the care,


Ordinarily I wouldn't mention it but you have two typos in a relatively short period of time. It should be "others" not "other" and "car" not "care"

unaware of what power we held in that SUV.


So you're writing from limited first person POV, which means that if she's unaware of something you shouldn't be telling us about it. This is more of an omniscient interjection, which seems out of place in your story.

~ ~ ~

Okay! I hope this wasn't overly critical! As you know, I only criticize because I want to help you improve -- and because I think I remember you saying you weren't happy with this chapter, so I wanted to offer as many suggestions as possible to see if I could maybe help spark some ideas for you to go on.

Honestly, this wasn't my favorite chapter ever for this story. It was pretty decent, but definitely has room for improvement. The first 1/4 of it or so seems to just be review from the morning, and honestly I think it would be far more interesting if you had wrote it that way. Review of what happened kinda feels monotonous, like it's not interesting enough to actually write -- but too important to skip entirely. A bit of the backlog makes sense, to span the gap between the scenes, but it's a bit much right now.

I also felt like the scenes went a bit fast. We're in the car, then bam demon fighting, then Bash having a temper tantrum, then the MC driving the car, to her having a moment with Xander. They're all good, but they kinda blur together with how fast it happens. I think you could improve this chapter if you slowed it down a bit and focused a bit more on the emotions and thoughts going on as well. The ending did very well on that, so if you could incorporate a bit more of that into the entire chapter then I think it would read more interestingly.

So... yeah, I think that's it. Sorry again about your wait! Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




elysian says...


sometimes I just read your corrections and facepalm because HOW DID I MISS THAT XD much appreciated like always <3 Don't ever be afraid to give me corrections I EAT THEM UP LIKE THEY'RE BROWNIES!!! It's all to help in the long-run, and I really appreciate that. I was wondering, what were your thoughts on my fight scene? How can I improve? (if you are willing to share <3)



ShadowVyper says...


Anytime <3

Oh shoot I forgot I promised to help on the fight scene here. It%u2019s no problem at all, I'm just not in the habit of correcting fight scenes (cause people don%u2019t really care most of the time lol) so I didn%u2019t think of it. I%u2019m on my phone now but I%u2019ll definitely swing past that scene again once I get on a laptop where I can actually be helpful <3



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Thu Jun 07, 2018 1:49 am
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey, del! Guess who's back again xD Let's get to it, shall we? (or, really it's just me but...*cough* anyways)


Aileen took forever to finish packing, and eventually, I had to tell her to leave things behind.


honestly, me.

Considering she was named after Indiana Jones, it was clear the freedom she sought.


but...Indie didn't choose her own name, did she? I get where you meant to go with it, but logically, unless she changed her name, it doesn't really make sense.

And her brother, Archie, was always getting in trouble.


Wait, did I completely miss something in the first two chapters or was this never mentioned? If it wasn't, I would recommend saying it sooner.

I answered, rolling my eyes.

Indie cut in, rolling her eyes.


Ugh, Sebastian, right? *rolls my eyes*
(seriously though, I would change one of their actions to something else)

hoping to find something spicy. unconsciously I looked around.


psst. u in Unconsciously need to be capitalised.


-My first thought on the man being a demon is that...why's a demon working a job at a gas station? Did he just show up? How'd he get the job? Gas station clerk doesn't scream 'job that's great to attack hapless people' to me.


I watched in horror as the man's skin began to peel off,


In the two years she's been hunting demons, has she never seen this before?

where was Bash when you needed him?


well, um, he's right outside and probably able to hear you. Also, he's the only one with an active power? What if he got indisposed? Would they have to call of demon hunting just because he's the only one with an active power, or...? I'm not sure exactly how this works so I'm sorry if I'm misreading something, it just kinda sounds like they're depend on just Sebastian.

He looked like a human, Bash. demons don't usually look like humans,"


WHOOPS. Also, demons should be Demons. :) do you love my grammar enforcing or do you love it.

speeding up the 70 miles-per-hour.


Why? They killed the demon and there's no indication they're being chased. Unless he's just really not paying attention.


-The whole time they're talking while Bash is slowly speeding up is...confusing? I don't know who's talking after he says 'Are we talking about the same demon here?'.


-Overall, I'm going to emphasise that last point. Make sure that its clear who is talking, because you'll know (as the writer, of course), but we unfortunately can't read your mind to tell ;)


However, now he looked younger and untroubled.


don't they all, lol.

There weren't many cars going through at this time so I wasn't worried about getting hit.


If she's pulling over, she really shouldn't get hit regardless? I understand it is a concern, just sounded a little funny I guess.

We both quietly got out of the SUV, trying not to wake the other. We stood outside of the care


others* car*

and you kind of look like shit, honestly, Kaydence."


This is a weird way to say this? Say it out loud, it becomes stiff and awkward. I would just remove 'Kaydence' and the comma before honestly.

He chuckled as I rolled my eyes,


Kayden if you keep rolling your eyes they're gonna roll out of your head >:(

choosing to mostly use his powers with the mind to speak unless talking one on one or to everyone at once.


What? This...doesn't really make any sense, and I'm not sure what it is you're trying to convey here?

he could only really do it when he was really concentrating,


Soo...you really shouldn't be using really, because it's a filler word (like 'very')


-The first chapter with fighting a demon! There's definitely intrigue about the whole 'him looking like a human' and that not being a common occurrence, so I'm interested to see what kind of plot that will open up to!

-You still have an awkward balance between telling and showing, with it leaning in favour of telling. I know, it's hard to get off of, but just be conscious about it and it'll work itself in eventually! :)


That's all I've got! I hope to see more from you soon <3 keep up the good work!

Have an doubly good day because I wished it twice ;)




elysian says...


hello <333

You're right, that Indie thing does not work xD

are you saying you didn't know she had a brother or...? Because Archie has definitely been there since chapter one hehe. He just hasn't had that big of a role up to this point because I didn't want to overwhelm the reader.

the questions about why the demon was at a gas station: that's just how it works, and it will be explained more as the plot thickens :-) gotta leave some guessing!

also, bash being the only one with an active power...also going to maybe change as the plot thickens ;-)

sorry that the dialogue is confusing, I was hoping you'd be able to infer it was a back and forth convo, without having to add "bash said, aileen grunted, bash shot back, blah blah blah." And Bash is speeding up because he's angry and not paying attention.

OOOOBVIOUSLY delonie needs to stop writing chapters when she's half asleep LOL so sorry about the ending parts WOW. reading them back to myself now I'm just like "wait what was I even thinking" xD

thank you so much <3 you have a doubly good day as well ;-)



mellifera says...


I just didn't remember Archie ever being referred to as Indie's brother. I remember Archie, just not his...sibling status. If it was mentioned, I apologise. trust me to remember anything xD

'that's just how it works' is the best response to that lol.

ooo I smell plot thickening.

I understand, it's just hard to follow? It's one thing if there's only two, maybe even three, people there, but you've got a car full of them so it's not very clear?

pfft what are you talking about? I ALWAYS write chapters half asleep. I just pretend like I know what I'm talking about and roll with it lol. didn't I tell you about the time I wrote 'he looked out at the table, littered with tables'? xD

<3333



elysian says...


haha I get what you mean with the car full of people, and ah yes, the tables <3



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Sun May 27, 2018 11:40 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Heyo, elysian! Here's my last review for you today!

 I feel like Indiana has always had a love/hate relationship with our job. 

This is another one of those things where I wish it was shown instead of told to us. Learning about everything through telling can get tedious at times, and I feel like it would be easier to get to know these characters through actually seeing their actions. While Kaydence is great, actions speak louder than words, and her words might be biased.

The small store itself had a drink dispenser and rows of various snacks, and we spread out throughout the store.

While this is technically correct, it still feels a bit disjointed? Personally, I wouldn't connect the second clause with the first -- I see no reason for them to be put together.

I'm not that great with action scenes myself, so I'll link this: Adding Dimensions (2) -- Action Sequences

With his moment of hesitation, I decided to roundhouse kick him, sending him sideways towards Indie, who sent an uppercut to his chin.

However, I think could definitely be improved upon for brevity (along with the rest of the fight scene). The extra words don't really add anything to the snappiness of the situation. I might change it to "As he hesitated, I roundhouse kicked him, sending him towards Indie who uppercut his chin." It's not the best correction, but it also cuts out a lot of the padding. "With his moment of hesitation" could actually be left in, given that the length actually lends itself to the feeling of hesitation. Although, in direct contrast " I decided to roundhouse kick him" doesn't really lend itself to the urgency of the action -- instead, it drags itself out.

He stumbled backward, losing his balance.

The second half feels a bit unnecessary? Really, from what I understand about fight scenes, everything should be kept brief. So, I would definitely go through this scene to condense stuff down and cut out repetitious additions.

[...]leaving the gas station to burn to the ground.

I completely understand their need to leave, but oh my god fire at a gas station is such a bad combo. I halfway wonder if they'll see news about a gas station explosion when they reach their destination.

Need a break? I heard in my head, in Xander's voice.

The comma isn't really necessary, but I would probably reword it altogether. "Xander's voice rang clear in my head" might be a better addition.

I have a few closing notes before I finish this review.

Firstly, I would like to suggest proofreading this chapter for capitalization mishaps. I'm spotting a few times where there's a period and then the next sentence lacks the capitalized first letter.

Secondly, given how teenage relationships work (and how fickle hormones can be), I'm curious as to why a group of seven teens was chosen to fight demons. Surely, adults might be better at emotional regulation and conflict resolution? So, why choose this group of teens? The Angels doesn't entirely seem that good, given the threat to send the teens to Lucifer should they quit. I mean, wow, that's a bunch of pressure to put on people whose brains literally haven't stopped developing yet.

So, I'm interested to see the narrative explanation!

Okay, that's all I have to say! I hope that you'll keep on writing!

-E




elysian says...


yikes, this chapter was rough. YIKES i don't know why I went with teens ughhh. Something to think about I guess haha. And yes, they had to set the demon on fire to kill him, and it will be on the news when the arrive at New York. Also, that was my first time writing a fight scene so thanks for the comments, I'll keep those in mind! Thanks!



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Sun May 27, 2018 1:47 am
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fraey wrote a review...



Hey, there Elysian!

First Thoughts:

Let's see. I like the first burst of action in this chapter, and I'm happy to see the plot progress in the view of the Risen traveling to their new case! Kaydence and Sebastian seemed to dive back into their back-and-forth arguments, which is good since they're staying in character. Seeing some dialogue from the other characters was also interesting, but more on that later.

Setting:

For starters, I can't remember where Kaydence and all them were originally, but I'm guessing it's very far indeed since they drove from before one P.M. to needing another hour at 6 A.M. That sounds like a total nightmare. I would have expected a little more complaining from at least Archie as he's younger, but if they all have to travel by an SUV, I guess these poor guys would get used to it eventually, huh?

I'd like to discuss the opening scene of

The trees zoomed past my window in a blur. It was probably around 1 pm, as we left later than expected.
for a couple of reasons. This isn't the worst beginning line to a fourth chapter, but I think you really have an opportunity to not only add more words to this chapter easily but also give a more descriptive image of where the Risen currently are driving through. Especially with the quote of
Well, maybe we should only go places where there are crowds. Demons prefer to stay out of the limelight, so they’re more likely not to attack in crowded places.
since you could juxtapose the irregularity of demons appearing in that rundown gas station as well.


Characters:

Let's see real quick at these characters. I like how responsible Kaydence is in this, but I'm not sure if I like her response of
I sighed, "I'm sorry sir, he will put everything back and I'll give some money for the trouble."
in the face of Archie stealing. I thought people are more likely at just paying for the items anyways, instead of giving "some money" in response. If that doesn't make sense, then please just ignore that! (I've not had personal experience with stealing, thankfully.)


Plot:

Let's see. I like having some action in here to make this chapter a little more fast-paced, and I do like seeing how Sebastian responds to the danger everyone was in. Anger makes a lot of sense in this situation. He's definitely worried in secret though, huh?

Overall, I'm looking forward to seeing their first case unfold in New York, and I liked this chapter a lot! Looking forward to more!




elysian says...


thank you so much! <3



fraey says...


You're very welcome :D Just glad I finally had time to review lol XD. <3



elysian says...


same




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