Hey!
I'm back again to help you out with that action/fight scene, as requested. I know it's a bit tacky to claim two reviews off one work, but I'm probably going to have quite a bit to say about it so I think that'll hopefully substantiate two reviews.
Though I am going to tackle this one a bit different from my normal ones, and with any luck it'll turn out helpful. I've never actually really helped much with other people writing fight scenes, so let me know if something is confusing or just downright doesn't make sense and I'll do my best to clarify. Let's get started...
So for writing action scenes, you need to focus on the who, the what, and the how of the conflict. Who is attacking whom, what kind of attack is being used [weapon vs. hand to hand, long range weapon - bow, firearm, magic - vs close range weapon - brass knuckles, staff, sword, etc.], and how is the attack being made. Say your character is using a sword to attack -- that still leaves a ton of possibilities of how the attack is being made. Is it an overhanded attack? A blow towards their side? A thrust towards their abdomen? A lower cut towards their legs? Is it a soft blow to feel out their opponent's strengths and weaknesses, or is it a hard blow with all their might in an attempt to overpower them?
I used sword as an example because that's the fight scenes I write most frequently so I know it well, but it's applicable to all fight scenes. You need to think about the type of attack/weapon and how that would look. I personally found it really helpful to watch clips of fighting scenes from movies and then try to describe in meticulous detail exactly what happened. I didn't try to make that good prose -- I used it as an exercise to improve my attention to detail. Once you know the basics of how to describe a good fight, you can get an idea of what you want your own fight to look like. And speaking of your own fight, let's move there now...
I watched in horror as the man's skin began to peel off, revealing a being with razor sharp teeth and black holes as eyes.
This isn't strictly the fight part yet, but I think you could describe this demon in more detail to make it more interesting. I kinda envisioned a Men in Black sort of cockroach alien here. You talk of his teeth and black holes as eyes, but what of his skin? What color is it? Normal human-ish flesh or like a hard exoskeleton? Does he have two eyes or some other number? Is he still standing on two legs like a human and have two arms? Or is that also modified somehow? Getting a good idea of the opponent will help set you up well for the fight to follow.
I quickly snapped back to reality, "Archie, blind him!" I yell, pulling him behind me. Everyone dropped what was in their hands and got ready to fight. Where was Bash when you needed him? He was the only one with a truly active power.
"Pulling him behind me" is okay, it gets the point across -- but it doesn't have a sense of desperation. What about using more descriptive words to get the panic across? Like "I stumbled/scrambled backwards, tripping over Archie as I shoved him behind me."
The "Everyone dropped hat was in their hands and got ready to fight" is also adequate -- but frankly a bit... anticlimactic? This scene would be stronger if you gave us an image of what that looks like. Did their fingers just kind of uncurl and let the things slip to the floor? Or did they throw the items down forcefully? I kind of would imagine it would be the latter.
"Indie threw the bag of chips she was holding to the ground as she lunged towards the aisle where I stood. Aileen was already behind me, fists clenched and jaw hard as she stared at the demon in a murderous silence. Archie broadened his stance and stepped around my shoulder as he lifted his hand to cast the blinding spell."
I think I mentioned in the review below I'd like to see what Archie actually does. If his powers were mentioned in a previous chapter I apologize, because I don't remember that even a little lol. But how do his powers work? How is he able to blind the demon?
Does a white beam of light shoot from his palm and strike the demon's face? Does he conjure up a dark cloud to hang in front of the demon's eyes? Is it ae visible attack (like the light shooting from his palm) or is it just something where he says some magic words and suddenly the demon is disoriented? Really focus on how the blinding is taking place, and describe it to us.
The demon started looking around in confusion, and I took my opportunity to strike.
This is another opportunity you have to add in some descriptors. "started looking around in confusion" is okayyyyyy -- but what about something more like "The demon stumbled backwards, blinking stupidly and clawing at the air in front of his face in an attempt to clear his eyes. He whipped his head back and forth in confusion, vainly trying to regain his sight."
Here you go from a statement of an action to a whole new "wow" giving us a mental image of what's happening.
I kicked in his chest, hard, sending him into a shelf of donuts. The demon snarled, regaining his vision and standing up.
Here is another example where you don't really fully show us what's going on. Sure you said she kicked him into a shelf of donuts -- but that doesn't necessarily imply that he fell down, and yet you have him gathering himself up. And why did he regain his vision so suddenly?
"I kicked his chest, hard, sending him stumbling into the display him. The shelf collapsed under his weight as he fell against it, sending him sprawling to the ground under a shower of pre-packaged donuts. The demon snarled in irritation and picked himself up off the ground, stomping on one of the cakes as he turned to fully face me. He blinked twice more then lunged towards me, vision cleared enough he could identify his next target."
Actually, I don't love that last sentence that I just wrote, but nothing is coming to mind that I like better lol. It's late and I'm tired -- but I'm sure that if you played around with it you could find something that works better.
The demon started towards me and I felt Indie and Aileen tense into fighting stances behind me.
Here's a place that could use more emotion. Is she completely cool with having a demon charging her? Cause I know I wouldn't be. I'd be internally freaking out, even if I kept my cool on the outside. Plus if you add in the descriptions of Indie and Aileen above as I suggested, then you don't have to mention it right here.
"I swallowed hard and squared my shoulders, forcing myself to stand my ground despite the panic that pounded through my veins. My stomach was fluttering, breathing shallow, hands trembling as I lifted them in a defense against the demon's advance. Indie and Aileen were just behind me, ready to jump into the fight the moment the demon gave them an opening/opportunity"
Suddenly, Bash and Xander crashed into the store, distracting the demon. With his moment of hesitation, I decided to roundhouse kick him, sending him sideways towards Indie, who sent an uppercut to his chin.
Here's another one where you could show rather than tell.
"Bash and Xander burst into the store so hard the bell over the door flew from its hook and clattered to the ground. The demon's head swung towards them, giving me all the distraction I needed to make my move. In it's moment of hesitation, I sprang to action with a roundhouse kick to his abdomen, sending him stumbling to the side where Indie waited. She threw her fist upwards as hard as she could, landing a blow solidly on the bottom of his chin."
There's another suggestion I'm not loving lol. Maybe I'm just not on my game tonight, but I'm struggling to write with the terms "uppercut" and "roundhouse kick" and make them believable, you know? Those are totally legit moves and you can totally keep them, I just tend not to use the language for what attacks my characters use -- I just describe it as much as I can.
For roundhouse kick I had a general idea for what that looked like, but honestly I actually Youtubed some examples of a roundhouse kick so I had a better idea of what I was looking at. Turns out you can roundhouse kick at the abdomen or at the head level. And it is enough to make someone stumble to the side -- but Indie is going to need to spring forward and be basically shoulder to shoulder with Kaydence for this work well, because she's not going to send the demon in a huge spiral -- it's just going to knock him off balance for the most part (and probably tick him off, but you know ).
He stumbled backward, losing his balance.
By "losing his balance" I'm kind of tempted to think he fell down again, but then Xander throws him to the ground so I'm guessing that's not the case.
"He stumbled backwards with an irritable growl, tripping over the items littering the aisle floor."
Xander came up behind him, throwing him to the ground, "Sebastian, now!"
Here think about how Xander threw him to the ground. Did he put him in a headlock and manually yank him to the ground? Did he grab both shoulders and give him a swift push flat onto his back? Did he grab one shoulder and push him into the shelves as he wrestled him to the ground? How easy was it? This makes it sound like it just took a push and suddenly the demon was on the ground, but demons are presumably resilient, so did the girls mess him up badly enough he was easy to take down or did it take more effort?
"Xander sprang forward from the opposite end of the aisle jumped on the demon's back. He threw his right arm around the demon's neck and wrestled him to the ground, barely getting his own body out of the way before the demon landed on the tile with a thud. He sprang to his feet and stumbled backwards, throwing a pleading look towards Bash for help before the demon could get up again. "Now!"
Sebastian threw his hand towards the demon, sending him into flames. We all watched for a few seconds as the flames engulfed the demon and sent him into a series of screams reflecting excruciating pain.
I also mentioned this in the other review as a place that can be reworded, I think, because the hand throwing is a bit confusing
"Sebastian raised his hand, sending a bolt of fire from his palm that struck the demon. The flame spread quickly, engulfing the demon as we watched in a horrified silence. It spread across his body and crawled up his neck, making him screech in an other-worldly tone that was filled with every bit of agony we all knew he felt.
The demon lifted his hand to swat at the flame crawling up his face, but it was already ablaze. It let out another blood-curdling screech followed by a moan that chilled us all to the bone. It collapsed back against the ground, writhing weakly as its life burned away in front of us.
'Come on,' Bash said, jerking us from trance we'd sank into as we watched the demon's last breaths. 'Let's get out of here.'
I shook myself and put my arm around Archie, urging him towards the door that'd stuck open with the dramatic entrance of the other boys. It only took moments before we were all running, sprinting as quickly as we could towards the SUV. We piled in and zoomed out of the parking lot before we could even fasten our seat belts; before the rest of the gas station could catch fire from the burning carcass we left behind."
See what I did there? I added a ton of details. And I have no idea if that's how the scene is supposed to go or not since it came from your imagination not mine, lol. But I think the way I worded it gives you a pretty clear picture of how it's going down in my mind -- and if you added more details we'd have a better idea of how it's actually supposed to look.
And I also didn't give you all those suggestions because I'm expecting you to copy and paste it, obviously lol. You're welcome to use as many of my words to describe your scene as you'd like, but I'm completely not expecting you to use them all. You and I have different writing styles -- and that's fantastic! That's what makes it interesting to read different authors -- we each have a unique spin on things. So I don't want to see you just regurgitating my descriptions; I just gave them so that you'd have a concrete idea of what I meant when I was giving suggestions, and maybe spark some ideas of how you want to rewrite that scene (provided that you do want to re-write it, of course lol).
This review is getting ridiculously long so I'm going to end it here, but let me know if you have any questions about what I said or if you'd like any more feedback on any scene in particular. I think what you have is pretty good -- I was purposefully critical because who am I to deny you your literary brownies?
~Shady
Points: 2806
Reviews: 935
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