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16+ Language

The Risen - chapter six

by elysian


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Kaydence

"I hate to disappoint you, but there isn't much we know about who is causing all these people to go missing, but we do know it's nothing we have faced before. We assume that it's Lucifer's 'secret weapon' he's been going on about for years, he's not the sort to be very humble," Gaderel scoffed.

"So, how do we know what we're up against?" Indiana questioned.

Gaderel sighed, "Well, you guys are going to have to go undercover for a while, lay low. Of course, we want you to continue to take out lower-level demons, but we can't just throw you in the lion's den with this one."

"Why? What about this demon makes him more powerful, exactly? How do we know he's more powerful?" Sebastian cut in.

"Well, first of all, turn on the TV." Gaderel nodded towards me, and I reached over for the remote to find the power button.

"Police are left clueless after a gas station exploded late last night, with no explanation as to how the fire started and why there was no one working there at the time, but at least no one was hurt. Back to you, Robert." The news lady smiled at the camera before it flashed back to who I assumed to be Robert sitting at a desk. I quietly turned the TV off, looking over to Bash to see his eyes set on me.

"Would you guys like to explain what happened?" Gaderel folded his hands, giving us each pointed looks.

"Well, we stopped for gas and Archie was caught by the guy working there stea-" I stopped myself, eyes flashing to Archie.

"Yes?" Gaderel continued.

"Well, when I tried talking to the worker, he started to morph into a demon! Someone that looked almost perfectly human! Of course, he did have saggy skin now that I think about it more, but he still looked so human, until his skin literally shredded off," I trailed off, realizing I was rambling.

After a moment of silence, Bash interjected, "Gaderel, why did he look human? Demons have never looked human."

"Well, we think Lucifer has been...experimenting." He replied slowly.

"...Experimenting?" Aileen repeated.

"Trying to find ways to make demons smarter and harder to recognize. We think he's been trying to do this for years, even before you were all born. That's what we think this new threat is...a success." Gaderel frowned as if processing the information himself.

We all took a moment to process, silence filling the room. We were going to have to go undercover? What does that even mean? How were we supposed to identify this new threat?

"So, you want us to go undercover for a couple weeks, kill whoever is doing this, and then we move on?" Archie asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Well, that's the general idea, but this mission is far more complicated than anything you've done before, so it may take a month, maybe even several months." It was only then that Gaderel made his way to the open chair, sitting down and pinching the bridge of his nose. I had never noticed how old he looked. He looked as if he was in his late forties, early fifties, and this made me wonder if people aged in Heaven beyond their years or if they stayed the same like we do.

"So basically, you can't give us any information except that someone is causing trouble. Isn't God supposed to be all knowing, or whatever? Why can't he tell us more?" Bash said, unbelieving.

Gaderel sighed, "I know it's not the best circumstance but you guys are our most experienced group of demon hunters, and the big man swears by you guys."

"Wait, there are more kids like us?" Archie's eyes widened in excitement.

Gaderel paused for a moment, studying Archie's reaction. "Well, yes, you didn't think God was going to only have six people on his side while Lucifer has hundreds, did you? However, God does understand the world is cruel and this is a thankless job, so he only has a few other groups placed throughout the world."

"Why have we never met any of them?" Archie questioned.

"Well, it's not advised because it would distract you guys from your current objective," Gaderel explained, and Archie's face fell.

"If that's all you have for us, then we have matters of our own to deal with," I finally spoke up, not meeting Gaderel's eyes.

"Oh, of course. I'll be in touch with you, Kaydence, to talk more about being undercover." I could feel the tension tighten in the room as Gaderel spoke, and from the corner of my eye, I saw Bash clench his jaw.

"Okay, see you then," I replied quickly, glancing over at Bash's clenched fists. Within a moment of bright light, it was just the six of us.

"Well, this is a load of shit," Bash exclaimed after a moment of silence.

I huffed, "Thought you liked a challenge, Bash."

He looked over at me, his mood unreadable, and I raised my eyebrow. He shook his head, standing up. "Find what you can for lunch, guys, otherwise I don't care what you do." And with that, he turned towards his room, shutting the door behind him.

The tension in the room slowly died down as we all relaxed, finally free from the watchful eyes of Gaderel and Bash. Archie disappears first, almost running to his room. Then Indie and Xander left shortly after, and all the was left was Aileen and I sitting in silence.

"What do you think happens if we die while we're here on Earth?" Aileen finally broke the silence.

I looked over to see her staring out the window, and tried to follow her gaze, but all I saw were trees blowing in the wind.

"I...I don't know. Maybe we find peace," I replied, sighing. One could only hope.

"Kaydence, with this new threat...I'm scared we're not equipped to face it." She finally turned her bright blue eyes straight into mine, and my breath caught at the fear. "I don't want to die again."

It took me a couple of seconds to regain my composure before responding, "If God didn't think we could handle this, he wouldn't have put us in this situation." I hoped I sounded convincing, as I wasn't even sure if I believed that. What if God being all powerful isn't the full truth? Why else would we be down here still?

Aileen must've bought it, as she smiled and nodded at me before getting up and walking away. I couldn't imagine losing her. I couldn't imagine losing any of them. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, the pressure suffocating me. I felt like my eyes were going to be the storm of the century with every passing second, and for the first time in what seemed to be forever, I craved someone to just hold me and promise that everything would be over soon.

I shook my head. No time for that.

***

After Aileen had left, I decided to continue to straighten up my new room. I had always kept my previous rooms quite plain before Mississippi. We were never sure how long we’d be on a mission, and it made it easier to move on when I didn't have much to hold onto. There were trinkets I had collected throughout the past two years that I did hold onto, however.

A wool blanket, from Alaska, a wood carving etched with the outline of waves, from Texas, a snowglobe of the city of Chicago, and a pocket knife with gold carvings into the wood handle I found while on a mission in Nevada. However, my favorite, and my oldest item, was the golden heart-shaped locket around my neck.

I unfastened it, pulling myself to lay against my pillows on the white bed. I opened it, running my finger against the engraving, I love you, until death do us part. C.T. The letters were small and curled.

C.T. My breath caught. Cam. A pit of dread sunk into my gut. I had this on when I died.

Suddenly, everything in me wanted to throw it across the room, to never see it again. I gripped it so tightly in my hand I felt the metal cutting into my skin.

I was so caught up in my rage that I didn't even notice Bash, who was now standing at the foot of the bed until he cleared his throat. "If you clench that tiny fist of yours any tighter it might disappear altogether," he chuckled.

I pressed my lips together, glaring up at him. I released the locket, letting it fall on the bed in front of me. "What do you want, Sebastian?" I asked coldly.

Unphased by my tone and eyeing the locket, he replied, "Well, I wanted to talk strategy, but since you seem to busy we can talk later."

"Well, maybe you would've known I was busy if you had the decency to knock," I sneered.

"I did," he rolled his eyes, "loudly." His laugh was almost taunting like he was trying to piss me off. Wouldn't be anything new.

I glared at him as he stood with a sarcastic smile. After a few seconds, I finally sighed, letting all the tension leave my body. "I'm sorry, let's talk."

Bash shot another one of his signature eyebrow raises, hesitating, before finally sitting on the bed in front of me. I crossed my legs, straightening up so he had room. He turned so his back was against the wall, his legs long enough to hang over the bed.

"So, did you already have a plan in mind?" I asked after a moment of silence.

"Well, I was thinking we need to do some research on disappearances, see if there's been weird activity anywhere," his eyes searched my room, almost as if he was studying it. This wasn't the first time he had come into my room, wherever we were at the time, and talked strategy, but it had definitely been a while.

"That's standard though, what else do you got?" I leaned back again on my pillows, watching him. His eyes drifted from my walls to meet mine, lingering for a second, before going back to the locket. He reached over and started to grab it.

"Hey, don't-" I tried to grab from him but he had already snatched it.

"I've never seen this off your neck since I met you, I don't even know what it has inside," He opened it, running his finger over the engraving. He glanced back at my pained face and then back at the locket. "Do you know who C.T. is?"

I couldn't speak. I felt paralyzed and cold. I didn't want Bash to see me this way, so scared and helpless. I was supposed to be strong and fearless, nothing ever got to me. I snatched it out of his hands, standing up, "None of your damn business."

Without waiting for a response, I walked out of my room, not sure where I was going. I found myself heading towards Indie's room, knowing I could vent to her about how inconsiderate Bash was about other people's things, she knew all too well and wasn't afraid to say it.

I knocked on the door, biting my lip until I head "Come in!" from the other side of the door. I opened it to see Indie sitting by the window, watching the birds. She glanced at my flushed face before frowning and patting the space next to her.

"Bash?" she questioned.

"Who else," I mumbled, sitting next to her.

-

chapter word count: 1,945

total word count: 12,001


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Sun Aug 26, 2018 9:01 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Heyo Del,

Shady here with a review for you. I'm going to pick up on the second half, since I already reviewed the first of this ;)

"Kaydence, with this new threat...I'm scared we're not equipped to face it." She finally turned her bright blue eyes straight into mine, and my breath caught at the fear. "I don't want to die again."


I'm not loving the sentence between the dialogue. I get what you're expressing here, that Aileen has blue eyes filled with fear and Kaydence was staring into them. But honestly with the way it's phrased it almost sounds like Aileen turned her eyes into Kaydence's eyes.

Like whoops, now suddenly Kaydence has Aileen's eyes lol.

Also the "my breath caught at the fear" sounds like Kaydence is the one afraid, when I think you mean that Kaydence's breath caught when she saw how scared Aileen was. I might be wrong about that, obviously, but if you mean it how I explained it then you might want to rephrase it because right now the fear seems to belong to Kaydence rather than Aileen.

After Aileen had left, I decided to continue to straighten up my new room.


This is also phrased a bit weird. From this sentence, I would assume that the chat had happened in Kaydence's room. I mean this is saying Aileen left, so Kaydence straightened up. But if I remember correctly, then weren't they in the living room when that chat happened? So maybe make this more like after Aileen left, I went to my room to straighten up more or something like that so that it's clear that Kaydence also had to leave the room, not just Aileen.

~ ~ ~

I liked the continuation. It felt like a natural way to extend the chapter, and you did a good job with it. I do think I'd recommend maybe slowing it down a bit, to really work out the emotions in your characters.

Every time Kaydence thinks about Cam, she gets really angsty really fast, and it feels borderline unrealistic. I mean why is she having such dramatic mood swings at the flip of a switch? I think the emotions are good, but that they'd be better if you took some time to let it build up to a climax rather than jumping straight to them.

And, um... yeah. I think that's all I've got. Of course let me know when you've got the next bit up <3

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




elysian says...


thanks for all the comments <3

I was thinking that Cam is like a trigger to anxiety/anger attacks? She doesn't really know what happened but something inside her triggers whenever she thinks of him, but I understand if that's not necessary.

thanks <3



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Thu Aug 23, 2018 1:08 am
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey del!! I'm back for some more! AH I'm glad to see you posting again <3 I'm going to go ahead and start where I left off so I don't end up repeating myself from my last review!

let's get in to it, shall we?

I felt like my eyes were going to be the storm of the century,


...I'm not sure I understand this? I'm not really sure what you mean by her eyes being the storm of the century?

After Aileen had left, I decided to continue to straighten up my new room.


Wait she was just talking to everybody? Is that "continuing" to straighten her room? also uh, was she doing that before Gaderel appeared and I just don't remember? aha *nervous sweats* I'm sorry it's been a while I have a terrible memory.

We were never sure how long we'd be on a mission, and it made it easier to move on when I didn't have much to hold onto.


So if she doesn't have much to unpack, then why does she have to straighten up the room? Was it not already clean when they arrived there? are the angels disrespecting their safe houses?

C.T. My breath caught. Cam. A pit of dread sunk into my gut. I had this on when I died.


honey why did you keep it if you remember what he did??
also I don't know if it was mentioned or if I already said this (I'm SO SORRY DEL I HAVE SUCH A TERRIBLE MEMORY AHH </3) but I'm kind of wondering if Cam killed Kayden.

I gripped it so tightly in my hand I felt the metal cutting into my skin.


sEE KAYDEN HE EVEN GAVE YOU A STABBY LOCKET he sucks clearly.

"If you clench that tiny fist of yours any tighter it might disappear altogether,"


Her...fist might disappear? I'm not sure I understand this?


Now that I have speculations about how Kayden died I'm really curious to know how everyone else died too??? (even though I'm sure someone has talked about it) Guess I'll have to wait ):<

"What do you want, Sebastian?" I asked coldly.


If one of them is in a good mood, by process of elimination, the other must not be lol


This is a really dumb question but is Kayden's bed in some sort of nook or is the foot of the bed against the wall but not the headrest? Unless I read it wrong? Kayden was laying at the pillows and then sits up, but Sebastian is the one leaning again the wall? I'M SORRY I need to know these things for no real reason.


I don't know what sort of impression you're trying to give off for Sebastian but so far I don't really like him? There has obviously been a few moments of a sort of weakness (and obviously whatever is going on between him and Kayden is going to come in to play), but otherwise he's been? really inconsiderate of the others and just? very temperamental? I often love characters that pretend to be all tough that are really softie on the inside but there isn't enough of Sebastian yet for me to really like him besides trying to feed in his budding romance with Kayden (which? I think needs work? because right now I don't feel much chemistry between them? I think Kayden could do better tbh especially after what she went through before she died), but that isn't enough for me to sympathise with him or like him yet. I don't know how you're trying to make him come across, but if that's not what you wanted, I figured I should bring that up <3


"Do you know who C.T. is?"


oh my god bash no of course she doesn't know who he is she just is really upset over some random locket she just happened to have on her when she died.

knowing I could vent to her about how inconsiderate Bash was about other people's things,


although I said all that about Sebastian and it seems you're already aware of it lol


While this chapter overall was pretty good, I'd like to see them getting into more of the plot soon? It's been pretty slow moving, human-skin shedding demon attack aside, it's all pretty domestic and while that's all well and fine, I feel like the plot could start picking up/more demons could start happening soon? Plus, I think you mentioned Bash doing SOMETHING and I'm a liTTLE WORRIED ABOUT THAT but we'll see what happens.


That's all I've got for you today though <3 yay!! I'm happy to see you posting again (even though I already said that) and I look forward to seeing more!

I hope you're having a good time, keep up the good work, and I'll see you around :D




elysian says...


ugh wife ily <3

storm of the century meant..wait let me look cause i don't even remember writing that xD...OH. I meant like, she was about to explode into sobs it was supposed to be poetic?? xD

Continued was not a good word there and honestly that wasn't the best transition xD I'll edit that in the second draft.

honey why did you keep it if you remember what he did??


i'm assuming you mean when she was alive??? and the plot thickens :-)

never mentioned how kayden or any of the rest have died, that may or may not be revealed in later chapters.

the disappearing thing was supposed to be a sarcastic joke? obvi didn't work xD

If one of them is in a good mood, by process of elimination, the other must not be lol


and that's the tea sis.

um, I imagined Kayden's bed tucked in a corner, to like her pillows would be against the head rest which is against one wall, and then the long part of her bed would also be on a wall...but i can see how that's confusing. i'll mention it's in the corner.

i want you to hate bash. <3 :-))))))

lol yes so next chapter I have one more checkpoint I have to hit with bash AND THEN ACTION WILL COME I PROMISE. <3

I LOVE U <3



mellifera says...


I LOVE YOU TOO <33 I'll be dutifully awaiting for the next chapter!!



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elysian says...



Since I had already had this up as a part one, here are all the part one reviews: (part one ends when aileen says she doesn't want to die.)

Youngwriter247:

Spoiler! :
i want to start by saying that i haven't read the rest of this book as i feel like reading all of ones collective work, gets me drawn into the story and causes me to miss things that make feedback worth getting. so if i say something dumb that you have addressed in previous chapters, my bad lol.
You say i think mid way through that lucifer is trying to find ways to make demons smarter, but (and again this is my thoughts on demons.) aren't demons twisted ancient souls of man? meaning that they would be rather smart. unless you mean smart as in knowledge of the current world. again sorry i guess you probably addressed most of this earlier on. anyway most fantasy ive read as of late has been strictly third person for some reason, so this narrative is refreshing. i really liked the mannerisms used during dialogue, the only thing that threw me off a bit was the was the using of past tense phrasing in a present tense story.
EX: "We were going to have to go undercover?"
maybe i'm just reading it wrong but present tense should look more like. "we have to go undercover?"


scribbleinks:

Spoiler! :
Hello wife!!! <3

okay this gets a bit rambly so I'm sorry but bear with me maybe please


-okay my first though is that, at least at the beginning because there's where I'm at lol, there's a distinct lack of description. It's all just dialogue and dialogue tags. What's going on around them? Is everyone sitting? Standing? Is there any noise around them? What does it smell like? I'm pretty sure you get the gist haha and I'm pretty sure this also isn't the first time I've said something about it xD



"Why? What about this demon makes him more powerful, exactly? How do we know he's more powerful?"


I think(?) you know that I don't like to comment on dialogue because I usually leave the character's speech patterns up to how the writer believes the character would speak, but I AM going to complain about the repeated powerful because it reads awkwardly.
Actually you know what? I don't think Bash needs to even say that second line because he's kinda...asking the same thing? I don't think the dialogue's going to suffer there if you don't have it there.

but he still looked so human, until his skin literally shredded off," I trailed off, realizing I was rambling.


Since she's trailing off, use an ellipsis instead of just the comma (but be careful because once you start using ellipses it's like a vortex they suck you in and you can't stop). Also I'm going to complain about 'off' being used like that so closed together. (Maybe 'until his skin literally shredded apart'?)

After a moment of silence, Bash interjected,


Is he interjecting on the silence? Lol I'm sorry, but I would probably change this so something other than 'interject' because that's more of saying he's interrupting? And he's...not doing that.

"...Expermienting?"


experimenting* ;)

That's what we think this new threat is...a success."


I don't think you need the ellipsis here? Also 'That's why'*. And uhh, just quick question: if Lucifer's been experimenting, and he's been doing this for years and he's finally gotten a result...why would he send the experiment to a human gas station? That seems almost wasteful of that experiment then? (Did I already ask something like this? I did, didn't I? Why they got attacked at that gas station, specifically, right? rip I don't remember but if that is and you have the same answer for it please just feel free to ignore me lol)

We were going to have to go undercover? What does that even mean?


SAME Kaydence.

It was only then that Gaderel made his way to the open chair,


Here's where the description would have been important, but I have no visual on the layout of the scene, and therefore had no idea there was a chair there (but I also know that you got you're words out and that you were struggling and I'm very proud of you for that <3)

"So basically, you can't give us any information except that someone is causing trouble. Isn't God supposed to be all knowing, or whatever? Why can't he tell us more?" Bash said, unbelieving.


disbelieving would flow better I think *coughs* but actually I wanted to ask: has this never happened before? Like, has there really never been a situation where they couldn't be told all the details of a mission because Gaderel/God didn't have the answers? I guess the reason I want to point this out is that there have been a few instances that make it feel like they haven't been running missions for years? The relationships are somewhat developed and all that, but, for example, Kayden/Bash is like...how is this just coming to surface now? If they've been doing stuff together for a while, has this really never come up before? I think that's one of the things to consider about your timeline so you get a more solid feel, and I don't know if you have, but ask yourself what has and has not already happened (because there's been at least a few places where the characters have been like 'what is this???' when it sounds like it should have been something that came up? I'm not sure if this makes any sense of not but Y A KNOW).

"Well, yes, you didn't think God was going to only have six people on his side while Lucifer has hundreds, did you? However, God does understand the world is cruel and this is a thankless job, so he only has a few other groups placed throughout the world."


Following my last point: like this? They've been doing this for years? Wouldn't this have come up by now? They seem like they don't know a lot of stuff about their job even though they've been doing it for a while? So I guess, uhh, nail down that stuff better? Create a timeline (gOD do I hate these so I understand the pain of creating them)


-I uhh, maybe I'm just reALLY tired but...did Gaderel actually give them an objective beside 'oop scary devil bad guy has made complex demons that blend in you gotta be undercover kay thx bye' ? Just my own thoughts, I feel like he could have given them like, a starting lead to something? To get them started on the case, y'know, because it doesn't feel like he needs to come and personally debrief them just for that if that's the case? But I definitely am not you and don't know what's best for your story or how you have things planned out so please feel free to disregard this <3

-MM what's going to happen next I'M VERY WORRIED about what Bash if going to get up to D: he is. a bit spooky.

-description but I'm not going to bore you with repetition again ;)


I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU FOR GETTING THIS DOWN I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT GOING ON ily <33 you'll definitely see me around for when the next part drops in! Until next time <333

I hope you have an amazing day and that you are not super stressed and will send you good viBes :D


ShadowVyper

Spoiler! :
Hey Del!

I am completely and inexcusably late for this review. I'm so sorry about that >.< Especially since this chapter is so short too, gosh, I'm a failure. So let's jump straight to the review...

Okay, so I'm not sure how I feel about your opening. I only skimmed the previous chapter to give myself a refresher on where I left off, but didn't the last chapter end with them about to call Gaderel? Why does this chapter seem to open in the middle of a conversation then?

I mean obviously you're under no obligation to write out the introductory bit, and I figure you started here cause it's more interesting than just having pleasantries exchanged. So it might be okay because of that (I'm pretty tired and doubting my judgment here lol), but it still feels a tiny bit odd to jump into the the middle of a conversation with the way the last chapter ended I think.


Gaderel frowned as if processing the information himself.

We all took a moment to process,


Not loving your repetition of the word "processing" here.
~ ~ ~

I love the way you ended it. Overall I wasn't super engaged emotionally in the chapter this time, but your last sentence really snapped that around. It adds a level of humanity and raw emotion to your characters, and her showing vulnerability is impressive considering how stubborn the characters have been so far. So that's absolutely excellent -- nice poignant cliffhanger ending to motivate me to read on (If there WAS more to read on to >:[ )

Overall I think this was a solid chapter. Wasn't my favorite, but that's probably because not a ton happened. Sure we learn the new information about the demons being disguised better and the team needing to go undercover -- and that's important information that was conveyed well -- but plot wise we didn't have a ton of action, more just talking. But even that's fine, since we had the drama last chapter so having a softer chapter here works.

I'm interested to see how this new mission works, and to see how your characters continue to develop and grow into themselves. As always, if you have any questions or wanna do novel-talk, just hit me up. And of course when you post your next chapter which you're going to do soon, right?

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)





Poetry lies its way to the truth.
— John Ciardi