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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Risen - chapter three

by elysian


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

***

Warmth embraced my body, enclosing me in comfort. I kept my eyes closed, enjoying the peaceful chirp of birds and crashing of waves from outside. The sun shining on the back of my eyelids was a fiery orange and the air was full of hints of lavender and salt water. I felt completely untroubled.

My eyes slid open, the sunlight piercing my vision. Squinting, I studied the room. The sheer, white curtains danced from the breeze, making the light dance around the room, which was lightly furnished with oak furniture. Outside, I could see a sandy beach with roaring waves rushing in, and I sighed, it’s so beautiful.

“Kaydence?” It was then that I noticed the tanned arms wrapped around me, and I realized that was why I was so warm. We shifted so that I was laying on my back, looking up into warm brown eyes with flecks of green near the middle.

Ever so gently, he placed his lips on mine. The kiss, which started out innocent and sweet, grew passionate quickly. As things escalated, he climbed on top of me, moving his grip to around my neck as his tongue traced the inside of my mouth.

I grew hungrier and hungrier for his taste, leaning into him, my hands grasping his face, his body, pulling him closer and closer. His hands moved from my neck and hair to my wrists, pulling them above my head and moving his lips to trace my jawline down to my collarbone.

I squirmed under his grip, needing his lips on mine again. Finally, he worked his way back up to brush his lips on mine before he pulled away, winking and climbing off of me. I sighed, frustrated, as I watched him cross the room into the bathroom.

I grabbed his shirt, sliding it on and pulling on some underwear. As I was buttoning up the shirt I walked down the hall to the small yellow kitchen. I turned on the coffee machine and looked through notifications on my phone. An email from work, a few snapchats, and a message from my good friend Katie.

wanna meet up around 9 for dinner or something? Haven't seen you in forever! xx, it read. I smiled at the thought, I could introduce her to Cam and meet her fiance. I smiled, it had been over a couple years since Katie moved to California, and since this was the first time I had been in Cali, I hadn’t seen her in years. It was kind of crazy to think that she was getting married, she was only a year older than me. I guess when you know, you know.

The water shut off in the other room as I poured the hot, black coffee into two cream-colored mugs. The kitchen seemed to be the focal point of the house considering it was the only room in the small, one-story house that was painted. Everything else was shades of white, black, and grey. I think that was one of the reasons why I enjoyed being in the kitchen so much, it made me feel happier.

Hands wrapped around my waist as Cam kissed my neck. I smiled, “Good morning.” I turned around to face him and give him a quick kiss before handing him his coffee. He smiled in return, leaning back on the counter.

“So, I was reading online that there’s a party today around two at the beach, I thought we could go down there and socialize with some locals.” His face twisted into a frown as he swished around his coffee in his mug.

“Well, I think we should just stay in. I don’t want you going out,” he said firmly. I sighed, I was hoping he wouldn’t be like this. Maybe I should wait to ask him about Katie, didn’t want to push it too much. When Cam made up his mind, there was no way in hell to change it, that’s for sure.

“Okay, of course, honey.” I dumped the rest of my coffee down the drain and we walked over to the couch, sitting down and turning on the TV.

Laughter filled the room, making the time move fast. The sunset shot hues of gold and pink across the sky, resembling something like heaven. I checked my phone, noticing it was 8:25 pm. We had been watching movies all day, surely he was ready for a change of scene just as much as I was.

"Cam, my old friend from high school lives close and she invited us over for dinner tonight at 9, so I'm gonna start cleaning this up and then we can head on over to her place." I started to stand from the couch when his hand tightened roughly around my wrist, keeping me from moving further, I looked back at him, rage in his eyes.

"No! Why would you want to spend time with someone else? Are you bailing on me now? After such an amazing day? I don't want to go," he begged.

"Oh, well I just thought that since we've been here for a week and haven't been able to see anyone yet you would like the idea of meeting one of my old friends. And honestly Cam, I really want to go. I will go alone if I have to!" I shot back, pleading with him to understand.

He loosened his grip on my wrist, which had honestly been getting uncomfortably firm, and said, "Fine. Go change into something more appropriate, and I will be waiting for you in the Jeep." He stormed off the couch outside, opening a package of cigarettes on the way out.

I was a little taken aback by his reaction, why was he so angry? And what was wrong with what I was wearing? I looked down at my grey cotton shorts and a red t-shirt, shrugging. I walked into the bedroom and quickly slipped on some jeans and a plain t-shirt with a green cardigan overtop of it.

When I got outside Cam was waiting for me in the driver's seat. I quickly hopped into the Jeep and off we went to Katie's. Cam reached over, squeezing my thigh, "I'm sorry Kayden, I just love spending time with you, and I didn't wanna give up our alone time." He smiled at me, and I sighed with a relief. He really loved me enough to want us to always be together, alone. He just wanted as much as my time to him as possible, and how could I blame him for that?

When we got there Katie was waiting for us at the door. Her dark brown hair had been chopped from its usual long length to rest just at her shoulders, and her brown eyes seemed to twinkle with light. She seemed so happy, and it was a completely different person than the one that was depressed and angry after the death of her Mother.

I ran up to her and hugged her, "Oh my goodness, I missed you so much!"

She squeezed back, "I missed you too! Oh my, what have you been getting into these days?" She pulled away, studying me, still beaming.

"Nothing much really, I've been spending all my time with my boyfriend, Cam," I turned around, seeing him leaning on the Jeep, arms crossed. "Cam, come here, she doesn't bite!" Katie and I laughed, but Cam's face was left unchanging, oblivious, it seemed, to the joke.

"Well, come on in! I want you to meet my fiance!" Katie motioned for us to step through the door, leading us through a hallway to a big room painted burgundy with two couches and a TV. There was a young man sitting on one of the couches, watching some kind of cop show. His hair was light brown and messy, he was wearing a button-up shirt and khakis, and he had a Bud Light on the desk next to him. When he turned to acknowledge us I noticed his piercing blue eyes, a stark contrast to Katie's brown ones, and his white teeth blindly smiling at us.

"Hello! Are these your friends Katie? You have so many friends. I enjoy all of them, nevertheless. My name is Jai, you are?" He stood up, shaking my hand, and offering his hand to Cam, However Cam just stared at his hand until Jai let it drop.

"This is Kaydence and her boyfriend, Cam, was it?" She looked over at him, and he just shrugged. Why was he acting so weird?

"Nice to meet you, Jai." I smiled at him as I took a seat on the couch across from him and Katie, as Cam just stood there. I motioned for him to sit down, and after a moment of hesitation, he did.

"So, when is the wedding?" I asked, ignoring Cam's behavior.

"We decided on a winter wedding, so November 30th." Katie and Jai exchanged a loving look, smiling. I was so happy for her, she deserved to be this happy.

"Kaydence. I need to talk to you, now. Privately." Cam said coldly as he stood up and walked into the hall.

I sent a confused look to Katie. "Excuse me," I stood up and walked over to where Cam was. His arms were folding against his chest as he held a blank face. "What is it?"

"Let's go. It's getting late and I don't know how I feel about this Jai guy. He keeps looking at you weird."

"I don't notice anything odd, maybe you're just overreacting." I sighed. I had a feeling he would do this.

"I want to leave. Now," he replied, anger rising in his voice.

I sighed, "Fine. Let me say goodbye, I'll be out in a minute."

I watched as Cam turned around and started to walk out the door before walking back into their living room. "I'm sorry to cut this short, but I think Cam is feeling a bit sick, so we should get home." Katie's expression dropped, sadness overshadowing her features.

"A bit overprotective, that one." She seemed annoyed as she stood up to get closer to me.

"I think he just cares about me a lot," I replied, shrugging.

"Kayden, hear me out, but how much do you really know about this guy?"

"I mean we've been dating for four months-"

"And how many of his friends have you met? Family? Anyone from his personal life?" She raised her eyebrow.

"Well, no, but I don't understand what's wrong about that. I mean, sure, he can be a bit possessive but he's just really in love with me. And I love him too." I replied, hoping that what I said was really true.

"Well, who would I be to argue with such a statement as that? Just be careful hun," her arms wrapped around me, enclosing me in a tight hug, "I've missed you so much. Never hesitate to call."

I nodded, hugging her tighter. When we finally let go, I waved goodbye to Jai and went out to the car where Cam was waiting. "What took so long? I told you I wanted to leave quickly." He sneered. I had never seen him like this, and I felt like I had done something wrong.

"I'm sorry, Katie was very chatty."

The rest of the car ride was mostly him driving way too fast and silence. He didn't grab my thigh or my hand, and it was obvious he was upset. I decided to just let it play out, it didn't seem like there was much I could do.

He was quiet as we pulled into the drive and all the way up to the house. When he continued not to say anything I started to get ready for bed, ignoring his eyes on me. I turned to say something to him finally, but before I could open my mouth a sharp pain spread across the left side of my face and I fell to the ground, seeing spots.

“When I tell you I don’t want to go out, you listen to me, got it?” He yelled, furious. I clutched the side of my face, too shocked to answer, to cry, to scream. He grabbed the back of my hair, pulling my head up from the ground and leaning closer to me, “I asked you a question!”

“Yes,” I whimpered, tears starting to fall from my eyes. 

-

chapter word count: 2,073

total word count: 5,997


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Thu Jun 07, 2018 12:44 am
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey, Del! It's me again, back at it :D Let's go!


-I'm going to go for the wild assumption this is a flashback :p So you refer to someone Kayden knew, and you talk about him as she knows 'him', but the reader doesn't, so you might want to clarify that sooner?


"Kaydence?" It was then that I noticed the tanned arms wrapped around me,


This reads funny to me. I think if you added a dialogue tag, for however he/Cam says this, and then follow up with this, it might work better?

I grew hungrier and hungrier for his taste

I squirmed under his grip,

I grabbed his shirt


These lines all star with 'I' in a row, so maybe watch out for that? If you want to keep the first two, that should be okay, but I would change the one in the middle at least.


-kiss scenes??? how do you write them?? I can't even write hand kisses tell me your secrets.


wanna meet up around 9 for dinner or something?


Even if Katie texts 'wanna' with a lowercase, it looks really odd starting a line. To remedy this, I would put a line about it being from Katie before it, instead of splitting them up. Does that make sense?

I smiled, it had been over a couple years since Katie moved to California, and since this was the first time I had been in Cali, I hadn't seen her in years.


This sentence could be broken up more. I would change the 'I smiled, it had been over a couple years' to 'I smiled. It had been', and also, I would write 'it had been over a year' or 'it had been a couple a years' and not try to combine them, because it sounds funny.


-You mention the kitchen is the only room painted. Do you mean it's the only one that is painted with colour? Or does every other wall have wallpaper? Also, you don't mention what colour the kitchen is to set it apart, only that it is different.


"So, I was reading online that there's a party today around two at the beach, I thought we could go down there and socialize with some locals."


You might want to say this is Kayden talking, because I thought it was Cam at first (because he's the last one to have an action)


-Did Kaydence make coffee...and then immediately dump it out without touching it? Waste of water tsk tsk *waggles finger disapprovingly*


He really loved me enough to want us to always be together, alone.


KAYDENCE HONEY NO D:

I ran up to her and hugged her, "Oh my goodness, I missed you so much!"


That comma after 'her' should be a period, since there was no dialogue tag.

"Nothing much really, I've been spending all my time with my boyfriend, Cam,"


does this not alarm Katie at all?

I had a feeling he would do this.


If she had a feeling he would do this, then why only mention it now? Why not before?

"I want to leave. Now," he replied, anger rising in his voice.


Instead of telling us that he sounds angry, maybe have his voice grow sharper, or he raises his voice. That should get the point across without the telling!

"A bit overprotective, that one."


Was Katie eavesdropping? Otherwise, how would she knew? This isn't too important, because it is pretty clear looking from a different, outside angle that Kayden and Cam's relationship isn't healthy, just though I'd bring it.


-So this was a pretty good chapter (well not a NICE good chapter, but y'know...lol). If I had any suggestions, maybe hint it in earlier chapters? I'm not sure exactly how the whole system works, but maybe she gets nervous about Sebastian sometimes, or doesn't like people grabbing her, or people talking too loudly. She doesn't have to know why, but its going to be a very real element for someone who has gone through abuse, especially considering she is 17 or younger when she's in this relationship. Just a note on that!

That's all I've got for today! Keep up the good work <3

I hope you have a wonderful day!




elysian says...


lovely <333

I write kissing scenes from my own experience
If you haven't been kissed, then look up other people describing their first kisses or something and just try to understand the situations and stuff. You can also use kissing scenes in movies and such as well.

I do write "small yellow kitchen" in there, but you're not the first to comment that so I'm guessing I need to repeat that it is indeed, yellow.

oops she forgot to drink the coffee >.>

I think I need to show more worry in Katie's actions, cause I don't want her to confront her until she overhears them. I didn't include that she overheard them because Kayden wouldn't know that she had, but maybe I can sneak that into dialogue somehow.

I agree I should add some more signs in earlier chapters, but I kinda used her fear of Bash in the first two chapters and her power is a result of this trauma as well which will be more and more obvious as time goes on.

thank you <3 you too!



mellifera says...


OOPS my natural aversion to yellow is kicking in oh noooo xD just kidding, that's on me though. I still might not say 'painted' in that part though because now I see Shady's response and it's better put then mine.

I could never tell you the number of times I forget something my character does.

it's worth mentioning that I was thinking back about the way she was scared of the way Bash was acting, and I noticed that. I guess it was a little bit contradictory, in my mind, that she was 'always challenging him so the others don't have to'? right? Otherwise, yes, I should have specified that I did consider that while I was typing it out.

<33



elysian says...


she challenges him because that's in her character, and she doesn't remember how she was when she was with Cam. :p



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Sun May 27, 2018 10:41 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Heyo, elysian! I'm here for another review.

The sun shining on the back of my eyelids was a fiery orange and the air was full of hints of lavender and salt water. 

1. I would add a comma before "and".
2. When I think "back of eyelids", I mostly think about the issue that is right up against my eyes. Therefore, the visual I get from this is the sun somehow being inside of her head. Ouch. I'd either omit the reference to the back of my eyelids to just keep it to eyelids, or I would switch the descriptor to something like "the sun shining on my face[...]"

Cam is most definitely creepy. I will say that you did a good job of planting warning signs about him. The chapter was a very good slow burn into the escalation of his abusiveness, providing context to Kaydence's fainting spell of the last chapter.

Although, this begs the question:
Will everyone remember their pasts differently? Like, will Bash remember his through drawing and will the others remember theirs through different methods? Or, uh, will the entire cast end up having fainting spells where they remember stuff? I could see the latter option being very inconvenient, but could also spur a few interesting events.

[...] Haven't seen you in forever! xx, it read.

Personally, I would shift "it read" to the start of the message. Although, that's just personal preference on my part.

He stormed off the couch outside, opening a package of cigarettes on the way out.

The couch was outside? Or, was he storming off from the couch to get outside? I'm a bit confused at the visual and would appreciate clarification.

When I got outside Cam was waiting for me in the driver's seat. 

Normally, this wouldn't stick out, but I thought it was a nice little detail onto the power dynamics of the relationship.

Also, minor criticism, but how did he get the directions to Katie's place?

The rest of the car ride was mostly him driving way too fast and silence.

This line feels weird. "Silence" feels like it should apply to him or the driving itself, but it... doesn't. "Silence", as a word, just sort of hangs there. It almost reads as "driving way too fast and silent", but that doesn't make much sense either. I'm guessing that this is just a list of what happens during the car ride, but it's still awkward to read. I asked my friend for help on the line (thanks, @Hattable!) and he offered a good alternative which I've altered a bit to match style. "The rest of the car ride was mostly of him driving way too fast, silent the whole time."
Then again, I'm a bit uncertain about what the line is supposed to mean? Haha.

Alright, that's all I have to say for right now! I hope that you keep on writing! Also, if there's anything you need me to clarify on, then let me know~

-E




elysian says...


Yes, I definitely meant on like the outside of her eyelids? xD I'll try to make that less confusing. I'm glad the warning signs were well placed and paced, thank you. Yes, everyone will remember things differently. I don't know what happened with the couch ending up outside, but it's definitely supposed to be inside xD And I just let the reader assume they used GPS or something xD And, I meant that he drove fast and each of them were silent, I will go back and make that less confusing!

thank you for the review <3



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Sun May 13, 2018 5:31 pm
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barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hey there elysian! Here's your review, as requested.

I see Shadow has already been going at the grammar, so I'll just summarize what I'm seeing: a good deal of run-on sentences that need to be broken up with full stops, and issues surrounding dialogue. Remember that dialogue always goes on a new line.

This was a good scene and I honestly have no critiques to pull out here. The tension rising steadily throughout, the pacing, and the emotions were all so well-written. But I have an idea for it if you'd be interested. So, remember that a lot of writing is about suspense and delayed gratification? If you want to give more pull to the story, you could just give away a short, unrevealing part of this scene instead of the whole thing. And maybe even though it is a happy part of the scene, Kaydence wakes up in a panic, or crying, feeling like something is wrong with the memory but she just doesn't know why. And later she has more of this memory getting revealed in increments until the truth of her past becomes clear: that the memory is of abuse, not a happy relationship. Have you read the Stormlight Archive? Something similar happens in those books with incremental unveiling of backstories. It's very gripping. I think you could pull the same trick here. It helps with plot pacing as well, which may be an issue (or not?) since I'm not sure to what extent this looong memory pushes the plot forward. Just the length of this piece being outside of "normal" space and time makes it feel stagnant, even though internally a lot of action is going on. I hope this makes sense because I'm rereading what I wrote and I'm not sure if it does or not xD

I like that I have some emotional investment in your character already! Good job.

Keep it up <3

barefoot




elysian says...


thank you! and yes, that is a good idea, maybe when I go back through and edit for the second draft I will drag it out more :-)



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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Elysian,

Shady here with a review for you! I apologize for the wait -- it honestly slipped my mind that I'd promised one until you reminded me earlier. So sorry about that! Let's jump right in now...

The sheer, white curtains danced from the breeze, making the light dance around the room, which was lightly furnished with oak furniture.


Okay, so you use the word "dance" here twice, which seems like a bit much for a single sentence. I like the word "dance" for either place, but not for both. Fluttered, billowed, blew; flicker, jump, bounce, saunter -- synonyms that might work for each? Up to you, just a suggestion.

I also would recommend breaking this sentence up, because it feels like you chance the focus of it half way through. You get our attention on the curtains, what they're doing, what they're making the light do -- then you jump talking about the room being furnished. I'd recommend a period after "room" then you could just jump straight into talking about the oak furniture -- "Oak furniture dotted the walls; a dresser here, a night stand there, blah, blah, blah" sort of thing. That would also remove using "furnished" so close to "furniture" because that just seems like a weird combination as well. Pretty sure furnished means having furniture, but I can't think of a way to rephase it to to describe the oak otherwise.

Outside, I could see a sandy beach with roaring waves rushing in, and I sighed, it’s so beautiful.


This bit was a bit confusing. Since it's all in italics, I'm going to assume that this is in her mind -- an imagination that she has while she's passed out. Which is cool. I sometimes do dreams or flashbacks with the same sort of technique. But the "it's so beautiful" is a bit confusing. Do you mean it as a thought for her?

Personally, when I have a thought in normal text I'll italicize it -- so when I have a chunk like this that is all italics, having thoughts in normal text has the same effect. However you choose to do it, I think I'd advise trying to make that a little clearer.

it had been over a couple years


This seems like a an odd way to phrase it. Like "over a year" or "over five years" or something concrete makes sense. But using the "over" in conjunction with something that is generally viewed as vague and not super concrete such as couple seems weird. Like you wouldn't say "it had been over two or three years" which is what my mind translates "couple" into. I'd say either drop the "over" and keep it as it'd been a couple of years -- or decide on a concrete number of years it'd been over.

The kitchen seemed to be the focal point of the house considering it was the only room in the small, one-story house that was painted.


A bit of a nitpick, but I would suggest placing the "painted" tidbit earlier in the sentence so that it reads more like this: "The kitchen seemed to be the focal point of the house since it was the only painted room in the small, one-story house."

Because when I read that the first time I read "that was painted" as going with the "small, one-story house" not with the kitchen. So I was wondering why you were specifying that the house was painted, since most houses are painted lol. And then I was wondering what the kitchen had to do with that. Took me a minute to work it out, and you don't want that sort of even momentary confusion from readers.

Also, what color was it painted? If you are going to draw our attention to it, you should give us some imagery so we can imagine it. A color at the very least; but a description of the hues and any other things that Kaydence particularly likes would be even better.

I started to stand from the couch when his hand tightened roughly around my wrist, keeping me from moving further, I looked back at him, rage in his eyes.


I think this might be a run-on sentence? I'd suggest a period after further and before the I, as well as rephrasing the last bit. Maybe add a "to see" in there? "I looked back at him, only to see rage in his eyes" or something? It just feels a little off how it is. I mean if you said "he looked at me with rage in his eyes" that would also work, but you start it with the POV of looking at him, so the way it's phrased reads funny.

I don't want to go," he begged.


Begging seems a bit out of character for someone who was literally just said to have rage in his eyes? Rage sort of indicates anger and an explosive attitude; begging kind of seemed defeated and cowed.

He really loved me enough to want us to always be together, alone.


Creeeeeeeeppppppyyyyyyyy. Controlling psycho boyfriend >:[

"Hello! Are these your friends Katie? You have so many friends. I enjoy all of them, nevertheless. My name is Jai, you are?"


Are you going for him being awkwardly bubbly in this scene? Because that's what I was getting from it. The "You have so many friends. I enjoy all of them, nevertheless." seems... juvenile? to say... I'm not sure how to describe it. But it seems like an awkward bit of dialogue.

Also, if he's so excited to meet them why didn't he come out to greet them along with his fiancee? In my experience, engaged and young married couples tend to do things like that together. Shortly after my best friend got married they BOTH would come to the door to greet me when I came over for a visit. That slacked off a bit as the newly-wed syndrome went away (after that it was more one would shout a greeting from the kitchen/back-room/wherever they were while they other one let me in) but if he's all perky and attentive like this I would think he'd come to the door as well?

"Well, no, but I don't understand what's wrong about that. I mean, sure, he can be a bit possessive but he's just really in love with me. And I love him too."


Grr. I don't like where this is heading. He seems like an abusive creep and she seems like a naive girl willing to go along with it. The punk better not hurt Kayden >:|

He yelled, furious. I clutched the side of my face, too, shocked to answer, to cry, to scream.


This bit is really choppy and difficult to read. I'd recommend rephrasing it in such a way that you could reduce the number of commas and make it flow better.

~ ~ ~

Oh maaaaan, I knew he was going to turn into a jerk. What a tool. Blergh. I hate him so much already.

I am really interested to know whether this is a flashback? Or a hallucination? Is Cam someone who I should know? I am a chronic-forgetter, so me having forgotten a character would not be unlike me lolol, but I really don't remember him before this? So is this like a flashback to her former life before she became the demon hunter thing that she is now?

It raised a lot of questions like that that could use answers. You don't have the next chapter up yet for me to jump ahead to see if the way you lead into that chapter clears things up -- but if it doesn't, I might recommend trying to add a bit more to the end with her waking up or something and kind of clarifying what this scene is about? It's an excellent scene, I'm just having a hard time figuring out where to put it.

Overall, though, I think this was really good! Kaydence seems like a bit of a naive, volatile character so far -- but she's kind of charming, too. And I was feeling very over-protective of her, wanting to go smack Cam for the way he was treating her. You did an excellent job of inspiring hate for him haha.

The transitions between scenes could have used a bit more padding to make them smoother, but overall I think this chapter had a nice continuity to it. And it was nice pacing. Kept things moving, while still adding in some character development. Katie seeing through Cam; Cam showing his true colors; etc.

Great job! Looking forward to reading the next! Please let me know when you decide to post more :D

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




elysian says...


thank you! I totally agree with your nitpicks and I will definitely be going back to change them.

As for your ending summary, Cam is a new character (and since I'm not sure if you really remember what happened last chapter) and this is what happens when Kaydence was passed out, and Gaderel told Bash that she remembered, hinting that this was from her past. I didn't have her wake up at the end of this chapter or the next chapter because technically she has already woken up in the last chapter when it was from Bash's perspective, and I didn't want to be repetitive with the different points of view. I wanted to be able to let the reader know what Kaydence has seen by just using this chapter to tell that story.

All of their pasts have key points that are the reason they have certain powers now. It could be things that happened or the way they died. So, since Kayden didn't see Cam turning into an abusive dick, she can now see peoples "true colors" at all times, hence her ability to see auras. :-)

Hope that all makes sense, and thank you for the review!




A classic is a book which people praise and don't read.
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