The Risen - chapter eleven

by elysian

Published October 25, 2018

16+ Language Violence

In The Risen - a novel

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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Kaydence

(we are cutting out the undercover stuff at a high school. SO, this might be confusing but I think I’m just going to have them continue to live in isolation, only going out to get food/clothes. So, they were never given the idea of going undercover, it was never mentioned and doesn’t exist.)

It had been four weeks since Bash’s disappearance, and we were all still frantically searching for any and all clues that Bash or his captor left behind. We had combed over the woods multiple times, but couldn’t find anything. Gaderel was also radio silent in the time we needed him the most, which was frustrating.

I got barely any sleep most nights, worrying. I felt responsible, it was my fault for not being more worried. I felt a mess of emotions. Anger, at myself and him. I was mad that he was such a horrible person but I still missed him eagerly. I felt his absence in my soul, it ached. Sadness, loneliness.

Sebastian wasn’t always horrible. Sometimes the layer underneath his toughness came out, and for a split second, I see him as he really is. Like once, He fell asleep on the couch at our old house, his legs constricting me from moving. He looked like an innocent boy. He was only twenty, and when he was in the peaceful bliss of his dream world, he looked his age.

“Kaydence, you need to eat something,” Indie startled me out of my train of thought. I looked up at her from my computer where I was researching deaths in the area.

“Just wait, I think I’m onto something here. This girl, she was missing since she was a baby and when they found her she was deformed, like, mutant-like. And dead.” I gulped, that was the part that scared me the most.

“Where?” Indie questioned.

“A couple hours from here in a ditch. I figured I would look for an abandoned building or unnamed businesses that might be messing with genetics.” I sighed, typing “vacancies in Woodbury, New York”.

“Kayden, I know you want to find him, but you need to take care of yourself. It’s been weeks since we’ve made it to the grocery store, and you need to eat. I think you should give your brain a break and come with me to get food.” She touched my arm, and I frowned, getting up from my chair.

“Fine,” I mumbled, “Let’s go.”

The ride was quiet, and I found myself drifting off. I had to admit that I was very tired, but it seemed like every time I close my eyes I dreamt of the worst. Bash being hurt, being dead. I stopped my train of thought, not being able to bear the thought of losing a family member.

We pulled into the store parking lot, walking in and starting the boring task of stocking up for a few weeks. I guess it wasn’t such a bad thing, it was the type of mind-numbing activity that I craved. Anything to get my mind off of the pain.

We were almost done, only a few things left on our list. I was reaching for Archie’s favorite chips when Indie whispered in my ear eagerly, “I think we’re being followed.”

I froze, my breath catching. There were too many people. There was no way we could be attacked by a demon here. We would expose ourselves and endanger humans. I took a deep breath and continued like I was normal.

I looked to my left and noticed a woman staring at us, a vacant look in her eyes. Dammit. I continued around the corner with my groceries, making my way to the checkout. Hopefully, we could take this fight outside.

“Hello, How’re you!” The cashier nearly shouted us in a cheery voice.

“Uh, fine,” I mumbled, not able to cover the shakiness of my voice. I felt weak, and I wasn’t sure if we could fight this demon by ourselves. Our only chance was to escape somehow. I tapped my foot anxiously as the cashier continued to check us out.

After about seven to ten minutes, she was finally done, “237.46,” She said, looking up. I slid in my credit card, entering the account information quickly.

“Let’s go,” I said, moving towards the door. I looked around as we got outside, the woman nowhere to be seen. All seemed well as we loaded our stash into the car, the sun beating down overtop of us. I sighed, grateful we had escaped a scene.

“Go ahead and start the car, I’ll put the cart back,” I told Indie as I started towards the side of the building. I went around the corner, where it was dark because of a shadow from the building, and it took me a minute for my eyes to adjust enough to find the cart stack.

I pushed it into place and turned around to go back to the car. I heard a creak behind me, and whipped around to see who was there, but it was empty. I continued to search, squinting my eyes, and something moved to the left of me.

I jumped as a cat prodded over to me, meowing. I took a deep breath, “Jesus, you scared me.” I turned back around heading towards the car, and before I could react, hands were tightening around my neck. Something growled in my ear and I viciously tried to escape it’s grasp.

I elbowed whoever was behind me hard in the ribs, and they loosened their grip enough for me to turn and face them. It was the same woman as before, except now her eyes were black. As soon as I had regained myself she began to swing at me, managing to cut my cheek with her sharp nails. I dipped and moved out of the way of her blows, throwing a few of my own.

God, where is Indie. I need her. I looked around for something like a weapon, noticing some scrap wood in the corner. I sent a hook, hitting her square in the chin and making her stumble. I took the opportunity to run to the wood, breaking one of the fragile pieces on my knee so the end was jagged. The woman charged me again, and I quickly ran the wood through her stomach, and black, sticky blood poured from her mouth.

Ew,” I mumbled, flicking my hand to get it off. I wiped my hands on my jeans, grabbing my lighter and throwing it on the body. I looked up and froze, a boy, around my age, standing and looking in awe at me. “Shit,” I hissed under my breath.

I started towards the boy when Indie came running around the corner, “Kaydence, are you-” She seemed to notice the boy there at that moment, closing her mouth.

“I’m fine,” I nodded at her. I then switched my attention back to the boy who was now smiling at me. “How long were you standing there?” I asked, arriving face to face with him. He had dirty blonde hair pulled back into a short ponytail, chocolate brown eyes, and his face was slightly scruffy.

"I saw everything, but don't worry, I have no reason to tell anyone," He grinned, a sparkle in his eye. I cast him a look of disbelief, raising my eyebrow.

"And why is that?" I pressed.

In that moment, everything around us seemed to shake, the lights sparking. I glanced around in awe, “You’re doing that?” I exclaimed.

He smiled and nodded, “Pretty cool, am I right?” He crossed his arms, looking at me with a playful spark in his eyes. I looked to Indie, who was just as shocked as I was, we had never met anyone like us.

“Wait here,” I said, motioning Indie over to a corner. The boy stood there, still smiling as Indie walked to where I was.

“We have to take him back to the house! We could use his powers, especially-” She cut herself off, looking at me with concern as I frowned.

“But we don’t know who he is, where he came from, we don’t even know his name!” I sighed. I knew we needed him, more now than ever. And once we got Sebastian back, we will get him back, it’d be helpful to have an extra person on the team with an active power.

“Fine,” I replied, and Indie smiled. We walked back over to him, and I crossed my arms as well.

“So, what’s your name?” I asked.

“Francis,” He replied. I noticed his voice was quite a bit deep, deeper than anyone I have ever met.

“Well, Francis, you’re coming with us,” I stated, walking past him towards the car. He didn’t hesitate to follow, and Indie started behind him.

The ride was quiet as we processed. I figured we could address everything once we got to the house. I was still covered in black goo, and I really needed to shower, not to mention the grumble of my empty stomach filling the silence of the car.

We pulled into the driveway, and we all three unloaded the groceries. Everyone seemed to be in their rooms, doing this or that. The only person that came out was Xander, who immediately looked at Indie confused. She must’ve explained in her thoughts because he nodded and looked at Francis curiously.

“Why can’t I read you?” He asked, squinting his eyes. Francis looked to Xander as if he was just noticing his presence.

“Um, read me?” He replied in confusion.

“Oh, Xander is a mind reader,” I explained, walking over to the sofa and sitting.

“Well, I’m not sure. I’ve never been around a mind reader,” Francis replied.

A silence followed, Xander looking over Francis with disbelief and concern. The room filled with an awkward tension and I cleared my throat uncomfortably, “Francis, would you like to go on a walk with me? I want to know more about you before I introduce you to the rest of the family.”

Francis smiled at me and nodded, and so we went through the back door, walking towards the forest. My heartbeat was unsteady, it was hard to be in these woods when so many bad things had happened there.

“So, Francis, where are you from? How did you get your powers? How did you find us?” I took a deep breath, “I guess we can start with those.” I looked down at my feet, uncomfortable around a stranger. What was I thinking?

“All good questions. Honestly, I don’t remember where I’m from. I woke up in a hospital where doctors told me I had been in a serious accident and that no one had claimed me as their own. I was a John Doe. My memory wiped, I didn’t know my name for days, until it came to me, Francis!” He laughed as if his name were funny in some way. I didn’t understand the joke, I guess.

“What happened after that?” I shoved my hands in my pockets as slight breeze had picked up as the sun slowly set in the West.

“Well, they let me go, said it wasn’t their problem. And that’s when I figured out I had powers. I was very emotional the first few days out of the hospital, and I noticed the lights went wild every time I was upset, so I tried to learn how to control it. That was two weeks ago,” He shrugged.

“So how did you find us?” I asked, looking at him as he looked at the branches above us.

“Well-” He started, interrupted by my yelp as I tripped over a root that was sticking out of the ground. One second I was falling, the next I was looking up at Francis, his arms around me. He smiled at me, and I swear his eyes were so dark they were black.

Once my brain caught up with what just happened, I tried to stand up and out of his arms, and he chuckled, helping me up. “I’m sorry, I-” I started.

“It’s fine, uh, wait, what’s your name? I don’t think you’ve told me,” He asked, continuing to walk.

“It’s Kaydence, but everyone calls me Kayden,” I replied.

“Kaydence, beautiful,” He smiled at me, and my cheeks burned. I never thought my name fit me, and that was further proof.

“Anyways, I don’t know how I found you. Destiny I guess,” He flashed another smile at me, and it was hard not to return one.

“Yeah, destiny,” I said thoughtfully.

-

chapter word count: 2,027

total word count: 20,167

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
mellifera
Review
mellifera wrote a review Review · Nov 25, 2018

Heya, del! <3 Back again going in reverse because I am a Fool rip


(we are cutting out the undercover stuff at a high school. SO, this might be confusing but I think I’m just going to have them continue to live in isolation, only going out to get food/clothes. So, they were never given the idea of going undercover, it was never mentioned and doesn’t exist.)


I think I said this before but I'm honestly glad you're cutting this particular aspect. I'm interested to see where the new one goes now!

we were all still frantically searching for any and all clues that Bash or his captor left behind.


How do they know he was captured? Is this detail just slipping my memory? I thought Kayden just went out and was like "whoops couldn't find him" and came back all muddy and freaked everyone out.

I got barely any sleep most nights, worrying.


Here's a part where you show us she's worried by saying she can't sleep, and then tell us anyway even though it should already be implied. It doesn't help much here, but I'd just be aware of it when you are writing.

I felt responsible, it was my fault for not being more worried. I felt a mess of emotions.


What? He disappeared because she's not more worried, or because if she worries enough, he'll return? I know people aren't logical in times like this, but wouldn't it be more like "it was my fault for leaving him" or something (even though it wasn't)?


It's also quite overbearing with all the telling of how Kayden is feeling. (I'm worried, I'm angry, I'm a mess, I'm sad, I'm lonely. You know?)


He was only twenty, and when he was in the peaceful bliss of his dream world, he looked his age.


How old are you implying he looks normally? Twenty-five? Thirty?

Like once, He fell asleep on the couch at our old house, his legs constricting me from moving. He looked like an innocent boy.


being completely trapped on a cough by a sleeping boy's legs. the picture of innocence.

“Just wait, I think I’m onto something here. This girl, she was missing since she was a baby and when they found her she was deformed, like, mutant-like. And dead.”


Is she looking this up for their mission or for Bash? If the latter, why does she connect deformity = Bash's captor? He disappeared, he didn't grow a tail.


have I asked this? do dead people need food? what if they don't eat? Sorry, God, I starved to death after being brought back to take on holy missions against Lucifer?


I had to admit that I was very tired, but it seemed like every time I close my eyes I dreamt of the worst.


If she's dreaming the worst, isn't she technically sleeping? Is she really waking up every few minutes every time she falls asleep because she starts to imagine something horrible? Also uh, unless you meant she's just picturing bad things happening to him, she'd get some sleep at least by the time she was deep enough asleep to dream about what might've happened? Does...any of this make sense lol


Indie whispered in my ear eagerly, “I think we’re being followed.”


we're being followed!! how exciting!!

I looked to my left and noticed a woman staring at us, a vacant look in her eyes.


does this make me a demon? I space out a lot. is this a sign? i knew it.

“Hello, How’re you!” The cashier nearly shouted us in a cheery voice.


ah yes, my favourite activity. shouting people.

(also uh, "Hello, how're you". You've capitalised letters after commas a few times now)


I'm also just going to slide a quick reminder in here that I think you're relying too heavily on telling us how much pain Kayden is in and how worried she is rather than describing how she's feeling or what's she's doing in her dazed sort of state (is she dropping things? She hasn't eaten, is she getting light-headed? Does her stomach hurt?)


the sun beating down overtop of us.


overtop?

“Go ahead and start the car, I’ll put the cart back,”


ah yes. go back in the direction of the spaced out demon. perfect plan, kayden. it's a wonder you haven't already found bash.

I viciously tried to escape it's grasp.


Viciously? How? Did she claw at the hands? Jerk her head backwards? Kick at it? This is what I mean when you've using too much telling vs. showing.

“Ew,” I mumbled, flicking my hand to get it off. I wiped my hands on my jeans, grabbing my lighter and throwing it on the body.


ew, demon blood. let me rub it all over myself now.
(I wiped my hands on my jeans, grabbing my light? It should have been something more like "I wiped my hands on my jeans. Then, grabbed my lighter from my pocket and threw it at the body.")

his face was slightly scruffy.


his face was...scruffy?


I've also noticed some problems with sentence structure. You use an awful lot of commas to break up your sentences. The majority of times I see this, it's in a place there the sentence could be split by a period with only minor tweaking or none at all and it would flow better.


Wait, they're just deciding to take this boy with us? Without him asking about it, or getting a say? Why do they just immediately decide to do this? His appearance is really random. I don't trust him *squint* (also, after reading further, he just...agrees? "You're coming with us" and he has no comment? They sound like they're arresting him and he's all gung-ho about it?)
Also, Kayden protests all the reasons they shouldn't bring him back, and then seconds later without any prompting from Indie, caves. Just, y'know, mentioning that. She's been shown as stubborn, this doesn't fit with her personality, distressed or no.


we all three unloaded the groceries.


three of all of us. there's three, of all of us, we three.

Everyone seemed to be in their rooms, doing this or that.


Y'know. Just Doing This. And That. Doing It.

“Francis, would you like to go on a walk with me? I want to know more about you before I introduce you to the rest of the family.”


obviously nobody ever taught kayden stranger danger.


I have Bad Feelings about Francis. I don't trust him or his scruffy face.


“All good questions. Honestly, I don’t remember where I’m from. I woke up in a hospital where doctors told me I had been in a serious accident and that no one had claimed me as their own. I was a John Doe. My memory wiped, I didn’t know my name for days, until it came to me, Francis!”


how convenient.

I shoved my hands in my pockets as slight breeze had picked up as the sun slowly set in the West.


as opposed to setting in the east.


yep he's a demon.


“It’s fine, uh, wait, what’s your name? I don’t think you’ve told me,” He asked, continuing to walk.


oh, don't mind Indie earlier. she likes to call me Kaydence but that's not my name or anything.

He smiled at me, and my cheeks burned. I never thought my name fit me, and that was further proof.


I'm blushing so this must mean I was given the wrong name. a tragedy.


I'm not 100% sure how I feel about this chapter. I don't feel strongly about it, I guess, and it doesn't lean one way or the other. I am curious to see how Francis plays out in this and what ends up happening with that. I'm still a little...frustrated? annoyed? - I'm not sure - that Kayden and Indie are ignoring the obvious problem of just bringing a strange guy back to their house, regardless of whether he has powers or not. I'm not bringing a stranger back to my house just because I relate to them.

I feel also like there was an over-exaggeration of Kayden worrying about Bash. I get that he's her family and whatnot, but it's been four weeks and they have no idea what happened to him. Maybe he's just mad, or maybe he really is in trouble (but why do they have reason to believe he is?). Maybe this would be solved by cutting out the telling and showing us Kayden's worry at a slightly lower volume? But they are your characters. They just feel to me as though they're blown out of proportion.


Anyway, that's all I have for today! Hopefully I don't SKIP CHAPTERS AGAIN rip. I will be back the next time you post, however ;)

I hope you're having a wonderful day! <3

SO MANY GREAT THINGS THANK YOU.

wow I need so much work, thank you for dealing with all that xD It's so nice to hear your opinion because you point things out that I, as a writer, do not notice as I'm writing might be overdone. thank you thank you thank you. much love and I hope you're having a wonderful day!

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Nov 17, 2018

Del!

Back again, as promised! Also congrats on breaking 20K with this chapter! That's super exciting! :D

It had been four weeks since Bash’s disappearance, and we were all still frantically searching for any and all clues that Bash or his captor left behind.


Mmm... I don't think I like this? I mean 4 weeks is a really long time. And sure it would make sense for him to be missing for a prolonged period of time, esp. considering it sounds like his captors have no intentions of letting him go, but to jump straight there from the capture is a bit jarring. I think I might like a small chapter of them panicking looking for Bash and talking to Gaderel about it? And then a chapter of what's happening to Bash, and THEN maybe a time skip of 4 weeks or something? It just seems to reduce some of the urgency by it being so long since it happened, you know?

We had combed over the woods multiple times, but couldn’t find anything.


Then what makes them think that he got abducted, if there is no evidence for it? How do they know that he's not just throwing a Bash pity party somewhere off in the woods by himself? Or what if he got eaten by a wild animal?

Sorry, I know it's discouraging when people start mauling the opening lines of a chapter, and I don't mean to be annoying with it. I just think you could have a stronger first paragraph to make this chapter more compelling <3

I got barely any sleep most nights, worrying. I felt responsible, it was my fault for not being more worried.


I didn't sleep cause I was worried -- but I should be more worried. I get what you're saying here, that she should have been worried before it happened and now she's worried about what will happen to him now that it's too late to be worried about him in the first place. But it's kind of odd to have these sentences phrased like this, back to back.

I took a deep breath and continued like I was normal.


And how does one continue like they are normal? Maybe have a bit more descriptive imagery here. Did she force her shoulders to relax? Plaster a fake smile on her face? Focus on keeping her breathing even?

I'm honestly not 100% sure if you mean "normal" as in "pretending like nothing's wrong" or "normal" as in "pretending to be human" in this context.

After about seven to ten minutes, she was finally done,


This is hella in the nitpick category, but the 7 to 10 seems... a bit too precise while also being too sloppy to be realistic? Like... I dunno, I tend to go for abstracts when I describe times. "It was only a few minutes, but they felt like they stretched out for eternity" or something like that. The 7 to 10 is strange because it's specifying a number range, 7-10, but it's not like she's getting obsessively OCD about staring at the clock and is like "8 minutes and 16 seconds" or something for the specificity to make sense, you know?

“Go ahead and start the car, I’ll put the cart back,” I told Indie as I started towards the side of the building. I went around the corner, where it was dark because of a shadow from the building, and it took me a minute for my eyes to adjust enough to find the cart stack.


Hmmm... Okay, a couple of issues with this.

1) If she's afraid and wanting to leave, is she REALLY going to worry about putting the cart back in the return? I mean sure I almost always make sure I do that, but I have absolutely left a cart in a parking spot when I thought there was someone watching me cause I didn't want the vulnerability of walking away from my car and wanted to get the heck out of there ASAP. Wouldn't she be the same?

Also, speaking of which, if she's THAT worried about getting attacked in the store, why did she check out instead of just abandoning the cart and high-tailing it out of there?

2) You need to work on the setting a bit here. I am imagining this scene happening in the broad daylight, somewhere in the afternoon. Never before have I seen a shadow at an outside parking lot that made my eyes have to adjust, honestly. Usually that's like a, you stepped inside after it being super bright outside, sort of issue.

I get wanting to add drama, but this is sort of breaking that "fictional wall" that keeps readers immersed in your story and makes butt-hole readers like me be like whoa whoa hold up a second now and get tugged out of the fictional world as we start nitpicking your logic haha.

noticing some scrap wood in the corner.


Da heck kind of grocery store is this??? hahaha

a boy, around my age, standing and looking in awe at me.


So this is probably just a stylistic difference, but I find your use of the word "boy" kind of odd. Earlier in this chapter you said Bash looked like a young boy, then defined that to be 20 years old. Then you call this guy a boy, then say he's Kaydence's age, and that just seems... off? to me. Both times when you said boy my brain instantly envisioned like a 10 or 11 year old little boy, only to have to inflate the age fairly dramatically. Maybe watch that?

“Francis,” He replied. I noticed his voice was quite a bit deep, deeper than anyone I have ever met.


If it's a noticeable feature of how he talks, to the point of being deeper than "anyone I have ever met" then why didn't she notice it when he first spoke?

“Why can’t I read you?” He asked, squinting his eyes. Francis looked to Xander as if he was just noticing his presence.


He's a demon, isn't he?

I want to know more about you before I introduce you to the rest of the family.”


Then why didn't she talk to him during the car ride????

He smiled at me, and I swear his eyes were so dark they were black.
[/quote]

HE IS SO A DEMON.

~ ~ ~

Okay! As you could probably tell from my comments, this wasn't my favorite chapter ever. I might be being unduly harsh because I am beyond exhausted, or maybe this chapter just needs polished up a bit.

I do think you have a good concept. Introduce a new character (WHO IS TOTALLY A DEMON -- I'M ON TO YOU FRANCIS), have a bit of a fight. Nice action to add in a plot point.

I think that's about all I've got for this chapter. Hope it wasn't discouraging! My comments are meant to be helpful, not mean.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

totally helpful, never hold back or be afraid to tell me how to improve, as long as it's constructive and not like "everything about this is crap, change it" without telling me ways I can fix it ;-) I'm never offended by any negative comments, I welcome them <3 Thank you!



Everything has to be taken on trust; truth is only that which is taken to be true. It's the currency of living. There may be nothing behind it, but it doesn't make any difference so long as it is honoured. One acts on assumptions. What do you assume?
— Player (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)