Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Marble Hornets fanfics”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1395. Marble Hornets is an analog horror show that ran from 2009-2014. You can find it on YouTube. This takes places after the events of Marble Hornets and is a ship between Tim and Jay. Anyway, enjoy!*
Tim jolted up from bed, distorted images of the faceless man and abandoned buildings blinking in and out of his mind. Even though he tried to convince himself that “everything was fine”, everything was not fine, he was still having nightmares.
Would the nightmares ever stop? He didn’t think so. Not as long as the burden of what happened kept plaguing his mind forever, not as long as he was alive. Would he find peace in death? Would there be anything in death? Would-
“I feel so weird.”
Tim turned his head towards the corner of the room, where Jay’s voice came from-Jay? But how was Jay standing in the corner of his room? He heard the gunshot, he saw Jay’s dead body…so how?
Maybe Jay was a hallucination. But then, if Jay were a hallucination, then wouldn’t Tim feel nothing but rage in him and be unable to speak? That was what he imagined it was like when he was the masked man. He didn’t remember or have a clear idea of it. But wasn’t he on his meds, so he wouldn’t be able to hallucinate?
All that thinking was really making his head spin.
“You feel weird, like how?” Tim asked, hoping that if he spoke to whatever was in the corner of his room, then he’d have more clarity than before.
“Just like…I don’t know. I remember going over to Benedict Hall, but that’s it. I don’t remember the rest of what happened. I don’t even remember coming to your house, but I must have come here for a reason. I think…” Jay trailed off, creasing his eyebrows in frustration.
Jay put his hands in his jacket pocket, not entirely looking Tim in the eyes. He seemed to be searching for something to say, a satisfactory answer, but nothing was standing out to him.
What if Jay wasn’t a hallucination? What if he was a ghost and didn’t remember his own death? He seemed too real to be a hallucination. Of course, all hallucinations seemed real, but Tim was an adult and he was able to tell the difference between a hallucination and a human, right? Right.
Besides, it wouldn’t be completely out of the ordinary for Jay to be a ghost. If the faceless man was real, then so were ghosts.
And if Jay was a ghost and genuinely didn’t remember how he died or that he died at all, then Tim must never tell him. Ever.
“I think I came here because I’d knew that you’d help me, like you did before.” Jay said, looking more at Tim than he did before.
Tim bit his bottom lip to stop himself from laughing. He didn’t want Jay to feel bad, but it amused him in a way that hurt that Jay thought Tim could help him when Tim couldn’t even help himself. Why did he still trust Tim, after everything that happened?
Because you still trusted Jay. A voice said in the back of his head.
Yes, that was true. He trusted Jay even though he didn’t really have to, even though Jay didn’t deserve his trust after withholding information from him. Everybody was doing something wrong, but the only difference was that they were both working to fix it. Wasn’t that right?
Even with all the tremendously terrible mistakes that might occur, they’d still be there for one another. That was what made their love so strong, wasn’t it?
“I’ll try my best to help you.” Tim said.
Jay smiled and joined Tim in bed, resting his head on the pillow next to him, just like he did at the hotel.
As Tim watched Jay sleep soundly, he thought that maybe, if Jay really was there and he was a ghost, not one of Tim’s hallucinations, then it wouldn’t be so bad to keep the truth from him. It wasn’t like all those other times that they kept secrets from each other because they were both alive and fighting for their lives.
Maybe things would finally, actually be fine, like Tim wrote in the very last video he uploaded.
The day there was truly nothing left for him.
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140,104 Literary Works • 673,009 Reviews
Hi [reviewer], thank you for sharing your eggselent work - I'm here with an egg-inspired review for you today!
The Shell: A Round Interpretation - Overall Thoughts
Okay another Marble Hornets piece, of course I'm down to read this! Tim sees Jay - or does he? Because we saw Jay get shot, right? Right? (PLease be alive jay, PLEASE)
The Yolk: The Best Bits
This bit is my absolute favourite part! I love the inner monologue about how he must be hallucinating, but doubting himself. The question as to whether HE is hallucinating is kept open through Tim's own uncertain reasoning, which mirrors my (the reader) uncertainty too. nice job!
The Egg Whites: Time to Stir - Suggestions
I'm going to echo some of what Tikaya already pointed out in their review. The bit with the "nothing but rage" line and "looking more at Tim than he did before" are both spots where the phrasing gets a little confusing, and a clearer image of what Tim imagines "rage" looking like on the masked man? And what changed in the way Jay was looking at him? Would help make those moments make more sense to the reader.
There's also a lot of rhetorical questions, which is a greta device if not overused!
Brought to you by Team Egg - in honor of TheEgg
That is a strong opening paragraph!
I think the following paragraphs are also pretty good but then comes this:
I feel like the phrasing here is very awkward. It feels like you should commit more to explaining what this means—even if everyone is already familiar with the source material. An explanation and more background on how our MC feels would do wonders for a story that is already straining for content (aka is very short).
That tracks:
Hmmm That is also a phrase that you might have wanted to change in a second editing pass. It’s very awkward and doesn’t really… tell us much? Where has he looked at before?
And I had to read this part here more than once to really understand what you wanted to say:
It’s not that the sentence is too long, but the words you chose, and the connecting phrases… are all pretty similar. Especially “that hurt that” is hard to understand. For readabilities sake, maybe you could think abt breaking up that sentence?
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