He doesn’t understand, does he?

Hello!

Jay is absolutely terrified of me. I mean, I don’t blame him. I’ve been following him, taking things from him.

I like this opening! For me, it immediately establishes that the narrator knows how threatening their behaviour looks, but "taking things from him" feels a little vague. I think a specific example would make the fear feel more justified and give me a clearer sense of how far the narrator has gone. Why do they take things from him anyway? Is there some motivation behind that, or does the narrator simply find it fun?

One part of me wants to protect him. The other part of me wants him dead.

Which part of me is true? Am I Masky or Tim?

I like the conflict here and the sudden admission that part of him wants Jay dead gives the ending some room for future expansion. I do think the Masky and Tim question relies quite heavily on the reader already understanding what those identities mean, though. At the moment, the question is dramatic but abstract because I don't yet know what being Masky rather than Tim means to him. I guess I should read up on some of the lore! Though maybe you could add a little more exploring both sides of that spectrum.

***

Hm. I like this! I particularly enjoy the narrator's attempts to justify himself, which are probably the most interesting part. He admits that he's stalking Jay and taking things from him, but immediately frames it as protection, which makes it difficult to know whether he's genuinely trying to help or simply telling himself that he is. I also like the mention of Jay filming everything because it gives the narrator a believable reason to resent him while suggesting that Jay may be uncovering something dangerous.

It is very short, so I think it could use more concrete detail to stop it feeling entirely internal, though. I hear about the hotel, Jessica and Jay digging into the truth, but I don't get enough information to picture what has recently happened or what danger is approaching. You could perhaps explore the last thing the narrator took from Jay or the moment Jay realised he was being followed. That would help make your plot feel more solid. The final identity question is a good place to end, though, because it leaves me unsure whether the narrator is losing control or only beginning to recognise what he is capable of. That's always fun!

Cheers!

Lip

Oh I at least like the self-awareness Tim display here, saying that all the things he does for protection are actually really scary to normal people.

Oh I feel for the guy with this line:

God, I wish I could tell him more.

I like this insight into Tim’s thoughts and how he feels about the things he has to do. I wish you would go into more detail of how the things he does protect Jay, to contextualise this even better? 😊



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