Rain cold as ice caresses her cheeks
And washes the tears away,
While her screams get lost in the depths of the wind
In black she stands,
Gazing the grey stones,
Veiled by the silvery snow that falls soundlessly on this dark day
Through rosy petals she speaks,
As she throws the fresh roses to their graves,
Sealing the words left unspoken
A sad story; a child with no parents she has become
Her soul she has lost and her spirit has faded
The sweet child gone and the hollow woman born
In white she stands,
For their murderer she must wed,
A monster with hunger for power and lust for death
Through indigo silk she baths,
As she rips the soiled sheets to pieces,
Erasing the sickening touch
Minds anew and lost in evil plots,
Voices silenced and vanished for eternity,
A stranger to her the court became, ruled by the beast’s hand
In turquoise she stands,
Smiling and dancing trough the ball,
Masquerading what lies deep within
Through red wine she sees,
As she tastes the acrid alcohol to sweet fragrance,
Foreseeing the untold ending
Sun bright as fire embraces her cheeks
And burns the misery away,
While her laugh gets lost in the lullaby of the birds
In orange she stands,
Breathing in her Kingdom,
Splattered in spring shades that marvel the eye in this sunny day
Through violet belladonnas she rises,
As she turns the beautiful flowers to deadly poison,
Creating the perfect escape to her freedom
Dinner served and there he stands with his fate in his hands,
Trembling she waits as he drinks,
And soon the creature drops to his knees
In green she stands,
Crossing the room to him,
Feeling peace reach her as his grunts echo
Through yellow cloth she ends,
As she places the delicate handkerchief to the frantic lips,
Silencing the unwanted voice forever
Death has come to the one who sought her as his domain,
Justice has come to the one who saw her taken from her,
A game won by the hollow woman
In gold she stands,
One hand on the throne, another tightly around her enemies' throats
Behold peasants, for a Queen she has become
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow, that was really well done.
As MargoSeuss said, the "In ____(color) she stands" was excellent and I also liked how what she was doing in each of those moments also mirrored her emotions. Like how she was at a ball when she was "masquerading" how she felt.
The story you told was powerful and I like how you told it through poetry. It was very satisfying.
I think in this line the "in" should be an "on"
I just wanted to quickly say that I really like the above line.
In the above line, I think "on" should be "in".
One last thing, as mentioned before, I felt the colors did a marvelous job portraying emotions and illustrating what was going on. There's only one that I thought felt a little out of place and that was green. To me green has always meant more of disgust or envy, but in the stanza you mention she feels at peace. A color more often associated with peace is blue. This may just be me though and you can do whatever you want with it.
Anyway, I'd just like to say one more time how amazing I thought the poem was and please keep up the good work!
Hello dragonwriter22, thank you so much for reviewing my poem! I'm happy to know you enjoyed it and thank you for pointing out my little mistakes.
About the green color I used with both meanings of healing and disgust which green is a reprensentative for. Like it is shown through the poem she has pure hate and disgust towards him and even when she is killing him that disgust doesn't disapear and because I wanted to pass that feeling I used the color green.
Thank you again and if you wish check out my Cherry Grave poem. It is similiar to this because it is also a story but it is more darker.
Hello, cpedro. This is Margo here for a review. I enjoyed reading a poem different from most. Fantasy is a tough genre to shape into poetic format. I know, I've tried. In stating this, I commend you for your efforts, which, I think, were reasonably successful.
I like how you start each stanza with something like 'in black she stands' --you tie emotion to the colour she is wearing. Most appropriate.
Your poem tells a story. One of revenge and glory, surrounding a young girl and her rise to power. It is so hard to tell a story through a poem. I think you've done an excellent job. With poetry, you always have that line--is the story clear enough? Is it too clear? You want your work to be poetic--based on emotion and sensations. This means not everything is going to be stated exactly as it may in prose. I got a clear idea of what you were trying to say...with out it being told too obviously.
I think, perhaps, you could tell this story using less words. Put things as simply as you can, while still maintaining your syntax.
For example:
This sounds like a run on sentence. Try something like ' A sad story; a child with no parents she has become.' 'A sad story; an orphaned child.' Using a semi colon helps break this up and make it seem less like one jumbled phrase.
You use 'in' a lot. It makes sense when describing what she is wearing but with this phrase that doesn't sound quite right to me. I understand you want the repetition of in.... I would recommend changing the 'rosy petals,' or getting rid of the in... phrase there. For example:
'As she throws fresh roses to the graves,
Sealing words left unspoken,
She plots vengeance and victory for her future followers.'
Something along those lines. Take out the first phrase and insert a third phrase. 'Sealing words left unspoken' needs a final line anyway. There are a number of instances where you just leave the stanza hanging.
Example:
When you write a sentence and have an add in, you use commas to surround the add in. For example: 'As she rips the soiled sheets to pieces, erasing the sickening touch, her eyes shrink back with nostalgic tears.' If you want 'erasing the sickening touch' to be the end of that stanza write it like this: 'She erases the sickening touch.' That way, people know that stanza is done and not being continued into the next stanza. Make sense?
One last nit pick and I'll be one my way. In the last stanza you wrote: 'tightly around her enemy's throats.' Does this enemy have more than one throat? I think what you meant to write was: 'tightly around her enemies' throats.' Enemy in the plural. Unless...is her enemy a multi headed dragon? Haha!
Excellent read. Keep writing more. I like fantasy and I think on this site it is underdone. Hopefully this review was of help. Let me know if something I mentioned wasn't clear to you.
Remember: a good work is never done.
--MS
Hello MargoSeuss, thank you so much for reviewing!
There was quite a lot from what you said that I'll will definitly take into consideration and I've actualy change a few things already.
I'm glad the story I was trying to tell did cross through because there were parts I wasn't sure were clear.
About the 'in's I thought of using them combined with objects because I wanted to make it seem she used those objects to express herself. For example when I say 'In pink petals she speaks' I want to say she speaks through the roses. I wanted to do something similiar as I did with the colors. Do you think like this is still to confusing and doesn't feel right?
P.S. Yup, that 'enemy's throats' was a mistake, I meant it 'enemies' throats'. Really thanks for pointing that out.
You could say 'Through pink petals she spoke.' Otherwise I don't think people will understand that she is speaking through the petals. I'm glad to be of help.
Ya I think that might work. I'll change it and see what happens. Thank you!