Run, run little boy run,
For he will come,
Chasing you with a loaded gun
Oh son, what have you done?
Such mistake cannot be undone!
Run, run little boy run,
Do not let yourself succumb
To the narrowed one;
His mind has come numb
And so has all the fun
Run, run little boy run,
A lesson you have to learn,
That dreams became outdone
And smiles close to none;
Forgive me, for hopeless we have become
Edit: I know this is basically one ryhme but I wanted to try out exactly what and how much I could do with one rhyme.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
I absolutely love this it has a nice story to.
The story of the poem was easy to understand. The poem had a beautiful poem to it.
Even though it only has one rhyme it is an amazingly written poem.
I didn't see any grammar mistakes, which is wonderful.
Overall this was a lovely poem that I enjoyed reading. I can't wait to read more of your work.
Goodbye, Have a nice day!
Hello emilystarks, thank you so much for reviewing! I'm glad the message came through and that you enjoyed my poem.
Hello, it's me here with a review!
First off, for being only one ryhme, this actually ends up having a decent flow to it, which really surprised me! I really love the way you managed to keep it flowing with just one ryhme. It's pretty astonishing, really!
Anyways, onto the actual review!
Well, I don't really have much to say. This poem has great grammer as far as I can tell, and there's no issues with formatting that I can see. I suppose that one thing you could work on is telling the message of the poem, as it's pretty hard to tell what the poem is trying to say. Or, maybe that's just me.
Other than that, this was a fabulous poem!
Well, I'm signing off with a 9/10 for Lesson to Learn!
Hello SuperAnimalCrossing, thank you so much for reviewing! About the message I was trying to pass on, I agree it might be difficult to catch it because even I'm not really sure if it was well expressed. Mostly I wanted to try out this one rhyme thing and I think I focused too much on that. Anyway basically what I was trying to tell here is about a young boy reaching manhood and entering adulthood, but in heart he's still a little child full of dreams, hopes, fantasies and still so pure in mind. So this poem is like a warning to him about what really means to be an adult, when you lose that innocence and unique way to see the world only kids have.
I guess what really confuses here is the connection between the first stanza with the others. What I meant in the first stanza was that because the boy dares to dream (the mistake), the rest of the world (adults) will go after him, judging him, putting him down and make sure he becomes just like the rest (hence the loaded gun).
Hope this makes any sense and it helps. Once again thank you!
After reading that and re-reading the poem, I can see that now!
That's a really great message, by the way, and very true.
Thank you!