She's a bad woman;
Do not fall for her.
Boy, do not be mistaken;
She will break your heart.
Leaving you lying down,
On the cold hard ground.
In her smile she hides,
All the emptiness of her eyes.
Her love you'll crave,
But nothing she'll give.
Do not start the game;
For you've already lost.
Hollow heart and despise;
Yet her words of lies,
You'll drink foolishly.
When your name she whispers,
You'll believe her yours;
But to no one she belongs.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,592 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
Hey, it's Codayy here for a review!
Now, this will be harsh, but it has to be said in order to review; I do not like it. Why? Well, it seemed very basic. It felt like it was littered with cliches and basic lines. Even the title. Bad woman... I don't want to say my way is right, for I would tell to use somekind of metaphor, but I at least want this to be expanded a bit. It's very general. It didn't any kind of angle that made me think otherwise.
This is the prime example of something you tried to use metaphorically, but I've heard it before. Since it wasn't expanded either, it just felt... Meh.
Your last stanza I believe is the strongest in ideas, but it your short phrasing sacrificed the flow. It felt awkward. I think just adding more words or perhaps rearranging the stanza can help this work better. Like maybe You drink her word of lies.
What did I like. Like I mentioned before, the last stanza had the strongest ideas. I've never heard of the first metaphor yet it was pleasing to think about. And the last setence wasn't anything super poetic, it gave me ending phrased in a way that I never thought about.
So what do I suggest? Transform what you are trying to get across into something with flare and sunstance. This felt more lyrical trying to portray a story, but since this is a poem, I want these generalities you say to be reimagined into something magical. Also, make sure the phrasing sounds right to you because (well this is obvious) because it kills flow.
I hope this didn't come across as too harsh because I'm just trying to be constructive. Keep writing!
EDIT: Wait wait I didn't realize there was a piece that coincided with this. Sorry. I'll give more thoughts after this but rn it's late, so probably tommorow.
Hello!
rosette
This is my first review on poetry, so please just bear with me...
First off, I found this very interesting but awkwardly written with all your short statements and so many semi-colons. The last stanza began in a confusing way to me: "Hollow heart and despise;" You don't give much context to this and it ends very abruptly.
Also the second to last line: "You'll believe her yours;" I think what you meant here was "You'll believe *she's* yours".
But we all make these mistakes so no hard feelings!