Young Writers Society

Hello, Ruby here to review another one of your poems, and again this is really good.

Overall, I like this piece. I'm not a big fan of war anything, just because guns and fighting and all that isn't for me. This presented such a horrible thing in a weirdly beautiful way, which is out of the box and hard to do sometimes. The first line hits like a punch, "Cold steel rips flesh apart,". Obviously you're talking about firing a gun and having that cause damage but wow, what a way to put it. I like that the steel is cold, a word that when used to describe a person can mean merciless, just like a war. Placing the setting into any 'unknown hill' is powerful, because it could be assumed these horrible actions are taking place anywhere in the world. The horrible war is not confined to a certain place. The thought of hearing an 'eerie scream' almost sent a chill down my own back.

The second stanza is again very generalized, giving it power. There is not a specific force adhering the war, it is just the world, which would mean of course anyone could become a pawn. You shine a light on the fact that many people are unaware that they are simply a pawn and many people fight for their own reasons. Such a deep thought in so few words!

I like that the third paragraph is less focused on war and calls on the strength that these people must have to fight. Using the word "despaired" to describe the men fighting is great, it made me feel great empathy for them and also wish to lend strength.

A great piece, I look forward to reading more from you!

Wow, this is awesome! I love how it's descriptive with so few words and not trying to cram all the information on you with no time to really understand or enjoy it. I could really see what was happening in my imagination. The pain, the fear, the sorrow, and the sympathy to the men are crystal clear and that's what people like to see, a story unfolding before them that captures their imagination and you did just that.The structure was unusual, going from four lines to two to three, but it can be over looked since you had it that way so the words would match up and rhyme without using pointless filler sentences, plus it's your own style. This is all just my opinion but do what you do and have fun with it. If this was from a few years ago then you must be really good now, I'd love to see more from you!

Pancake~

Hi cpedro, Felistia here with another review on your poetry.
I like the overall poem. It tells the story of war well, though you could expand it if you wanted to. The description is done very well and gives me a full picture.

I do have a nit-pick though. The rhyming in here feels very forced and takes away from the overall poem. I think it would be better with out the rhymes. Did you mean to say reaps in the first line, because it doesn't feel like the right word to put there, maybe slices or rips.

Overall ( I need to stop saying overall) I really liked it and the story you wove into the words. I look forward to more of your work and hope you have a great day\night.