Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
She wanders through the alleys of death,
As she walks on the wrong path;
“Here comes a new piece of
chess!”
Mumbles eagerly the Reaper of Death;
Scarlet drops stain translucent
water,
As her head falls underwater;
Wrong choices have brought her here,
Losing what she holds dear;
A life lead by fear,
Soon she’ll disappear…
Terrified screams echo across
the walls,
As for her name he calls;
Shining light in the dark,
As his voice leaves mark;
Within rises a small spark,
Burning the inches of her heart;
Pain strikes like thunder,
As he wakes her from her
slumber;
Life pierces through her veins,
Releasing her from Death’s chains;
“Just wait for my next games!”
Bursts the Reaper of Death in flames
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! Waffle here for a quick review.
Side note: After reading this and scrolling to the top, I saw the 16+ warning... I'm not 16 yet! I don't know though exactly what was too mature in this, perhaps it was the death? Perhaps I missed it because I know naught of it yet. Anyways....
This is really good. A masterpiece. One tiny nitpick:
"Soon she'll disappear." eh, what? She clearly does not "disappear" and there isn't a big indicator that she will. Maybe I'm missing out on something, but do you mean mentally or physically...? I don't know.
Other that that, bravo! +1 likes from me. Overall, 8.5 out of 10. Happy writing!
Waffle~
Thank you very much for reviewing and the like!
About the 16 warning it was indeed because of the theme being about suicide, but there was no specific category so I had to put mature content. The only reason I did it was because I don't think it's appropriate for a 12/13 kid to read about suicide.
As for the verse I meant it mentally, she was unconscious and her mind/soul was slipping away from her body, hence the 'soon she'll disappear'.
Hope this clarifies!
Hi!
I’ve always been a fan of poetry. I’ve always marvelled at the ways poets get their meaning across with having to be direct. I’ve always loved their use of figures of speech to give a clearer message.
As I read your poem, I was drawn in. Even without the short description you were able to get your message across clearly. I liked your use of allusion and metonymy throughout the entire piece.
But I do have one concern though. Don’t you think it’s a bit redundant when you use “Reaper of Death” since “Reaper” or even just “Death” implies a personified character of Death? So, if you just say “Bursts the Reaper in flames” it does not take away the original meaning.
But, that just a suggestion.
I noticed that although you had a rhyme scheme, you had no specific foot and meter. I encourage you to try writing more poetry with a specific scansion.
All in all, i greatly enjoyed your poem. Keep it up!
Hope this helped and I look forward to reading more from you.
Thank you very much for reviewing! Poetry is a new world for me so I don't know much about it yet, so about foot and meter I'm still too green. But I'll definitely try to improve!