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There was a strong scent on the air, a sickening mixture of flesh and blood and smoke. It was becoming more potent as Zayn approached the Little Rock Settlement. This is just me, but I would combine these two sentences. ‘The sickening mixture of blood and smoke in the air became more potent as Zayn approached the Little Rock Settlement.’ To me, it might sound a little less ‘there was the strong scent of blood and smoke. It grew as he approached the settlement.’ it sounded just a bit ‘telly’ to me.
He never had gone into any settlement, or at least not since the Disaster. After that, he made it a point to avoid civilization, Humans comma and Underworlders alike. However, this time, no comma something drew him here, and as badly as he wished that he could, he could not ignore this impulse.
He detected no life, not a fleeting heart beat passing by, or even one that labored to live I didn‘t really understand this. Does it mean he could not detect a single heartbeat, healthy or not? I‘m not sure. . Death hung heavy all around him like a dense fog. He was unable to escape that stench. Maybe it would have more effect if you said something like ‘As long as he’d lived, he had never been able to escape that stench’
Zayn stopped mid-stride in the middle of the road when he finally came to the entrance of the wall that surrounded the settlement this is quite a mouthful for one sentence x) I‘d break it up somehow. . The gate hung on its makeshift hinges, creaking as it swayed with the cold breeze. The scent of blood wafted from inside the walls, burning in Zayn's nostrils. But there was another presence within those walls, one that he knew all too well.
Zayn snarled his lip of his fangs should it be ’snarled his lips over his fangs?’ and stepped forward, through the gates and into the scene of a massacre.
Bodies of both Underworlders and men alike were strewn across the blood stained ice. These corpses had been torn apart with claws, Zayn judged by their jagged wounds Another picky comment. Try ‘Judging by their jagged wounds, these corpses had been torn apart by claws.’. He stepped over a dismembered arm, and paused again.
Fire consumed what few shacks were left there were, as well as three large buildings that still remained of the original city. Smoke choked the frigid night air, curling up from the wreckage like enormous snakes poised to strike. nice description!
A bolt of red lightning struck the ground on the other end of the road. Sparks flew and sizzled out on the ice, and the fires blazing in the edifices were snuffed out like mere candles to a breath of wind. Ashé stood where the lightning had struck, his body smoldering. ooooh I love it ^_^
Zayn hissed, 'What did you do?' Another picky comment, but this seems cliché. It’s pretty obvious what happened here, and I think Zayn is beyond the point of seeming surprised when these atrocities happen. I imagined Zayn to be calmer and more composed, but still just as angry as ever.
'You mean you don't like it?' asked Ashé, 'We did it for you.'
The Dark spread from where Ashé stood and surrounded Zayn. From the pool of Darkness shadows of demons arose with eyes of bright amethyst. The Dark boiled around them and dripped off of their grotesque bodies like blood on a stone I like this description, but I don‘t really get how ‘the Dark‘ dripped OFF their bodies like blood ONTO a stone. Get what I‘m saying? . Their ferocious howls and snarls filled the air. The atmosphere was heavy with their stench. Zayn stood rigid where he was, but after a moment of breathing in the Dark, he felt himself falling into a daze. He held his breath.
Ashé disintegrated into the air and then manifested again beside Zayn, 'Do you not remember all the times that we wreaked such havoc in our own world? Back then you were much less convicted about whose life you took.'
'These are innocent people...' Zayn breathed, 'They posed no threat to me...'
'Listen to yourself,' Ashé snorted, 'You sound as righteous as that woman of yours... Can't you see that all this time, your body and soul have been comatose? You have been only barely surviving in this World. Why do you think it has been so easy for mere Humans to capture you? You need us, Tîmör... You need us if you wish to succeed. Otherwise, They will kill you.'
Zayn was silent. His heart drove his blood through his veins now with vigor that he had not felt in centuries.
He did not want to admit it, but his counterpart spoke the truth. He could not go on much longer the way that he had been. But his knowledge of the difference between right and wrong was far too strong to ignore. He had come so far abiding by his own standards and was so close to where he needed to be. Why give up now?
Ashé placed his hand on Zayn's shoulder, but Zayn stepped away from him.
'Don't touch me,' he snarled.
A wry grin twisted Ashé's lips, 'You speak as though you stand a chance.'

The demons yowled and charged forward. Zayn exposed his blades and tore the throat of one beast, and plunged his left hand into the chest of another, slamming it into the ground.
Three sprang onto his back and four more on his shoulders. Their claws pierced his skin and dug into his flesh. He gave a cry when a beast with two heads jumped onto his chest and sank its teeth into his throat. The beasts brought him down to his knees and held him there before Ashé.
'I'm tired of waiting for you to allow me into my own home,' Ashé growled, kneeling down before him and tearing off Zayn's blindfold.
Zayn bared his fangs at him, his eyes ablaze with wildfire, 'You aren't welcome here...'
'Try stopping me,' Ashé spat, placing his hand on Zayn's chest.
He began to sink into Zayn's being. Zayn shouted and struck out with his hands bit more demons caught him by the arms and held him back. He attempted to scramble to his feet again and again but every time their claws only sank in deeper. He could feel Ashé becoming a space part of him again, and there was nothing he could do about it.
The fire in Zayn's eyes slowly dulled, and the Dark saturated him so that it dripped from his skin and his eyes like black tears. Another great description.
Zayn gave a last struggle, but went limp in the arms of the demons and Ashé, who gave a satisfied chuckle, 'Finally...'
'S...stop...' Zayn slurred, the Dark dripping from his fangs and the corners of his mouth.
He took a hold of Ashé's wrist with a weak grasp. :’(
Ashé became a black shadow and sank completely into Zayn's being without resistance from his host. The demons followed.
Zayn's body hit the ice when none were left to hold him up.


Louis and the other Wolves watched while Lyrah held open Perry's eyelid so that she could look into his golden irises. They were clear and bright as ever with health and life.
'The venom seems to have been flushed from your system entirely,' Lyrah remarked, 'Your wounds have healed as well. I'd say you're About lowercase as strong and healthy as any Wolf alive.'
Perry blushed a little and looked up at Louis, and then frowned. Eden was still fighting for her own life.
'Perry... I want you to stay down for awhile longer,' Louis said to him, 'Just to make sure you're fully recovered before another raid takes place.'
Perry nodded and grinned half-heartedly.
'And Eden?' asked Sam, looking discouraged.
'The vampire that bit her was a pureblood,' Lyrah sighed, 'While the one that bit Perry was far less toxic, because it was a Human that had been turned into a Vampire. Purebloods like the one that bit Eden are the ones to worry about, because their venom hasn't been diluted by a Human's blood. Purebloods are so rare these days, I never have treated one of their victims. Especially not a Wolf. Eden's lasted longer than I expected. And if she does pull through this I can't say what effects the venom will have on her...'
Louis grimaced. He had a foul taste in his mouth that he was unable to get rid of, and he no longer wanted to speak of this. He felt helpless enough as it was.
For a moment he was distracted by an intense burning sensation on his neck. Impulsively, he touched his fingertips to the Mark. It had never burned that way before. He grimaced, and then he became aware of Lyrah, who was watching him closely. For some reason this reminded me of Harry Potter’s scar x)
Just then, George nudged his arm and nodded toward the entrance of the train station. Vanessa stood there alone, watching from a distance.
Louis looked away, his brow knitting together in the middle.
'She's back...' Nero remarked, noticing her as well.
'I thought you told her to go away (I noticed some repetition in the work ‘back’) back,' Winston said.
'I did,' Louis grunted, 'She's always had an inability to follow orders (she seems like she is a good listener, just stubborn) listen...'
'Want me to take care of her?' Sam asked with a snarl, cracking the knuckles of his hands.
Louis raised a brow at the pup, and then shook his head, 'I'll talk to her. If anything happens with Eden comma come get me.'
He pushed off of the wall that he had been leaning against and then went to Vanessa, taking her by the arm.
He did not say anything until they had gone to the other side of the building where nobody could see them.
'Why are you still here?' he demanded.
'Can't you stand to be just a little civil with me?' she asked, looking hurt.
'I can't stand to be civil with anybody at this point,' he snorted, 'Now answer my question.'
'I came here to warn you,' she said.
'If it's about Ira then you're wasting your time,' Louis said, 'I've been waiting for him to come after me. It's just like him to hide behind you until it's safe for him to come out.'
She pressed her lips together.
'Now why are you really here?' Louis growled.
'I overheard Ira saying the Wolf that attacked El Paso was you,' Vanessa said hesitantly, 'At first I didn't believe it. You were supposed to be dead. But then the more I thought about it the more it made sense... Then I heard him saying that he needed to make sure you stayed dead, so he was going to send out men to fond find and kill you. I couldn't stand the thought of him trying to kill you again. So I ran away. I'm just glad I found you before they had the chance... Louis I want to be with you again.'
Louis studied her carefully, his eyes stern and distrusting. She cringed inwardly under that gaze. He had never looked at her that way before.
'You don't believe me?' she asked.
He turned away, 'Am I supposed to? You reek of him... For all I know you were probably in on the whole thing. You were safe in at his side. Helping to get rid of me so you could be with him, so you wouldn't be caught in the line of fire... And then afterward you'd have the easiest life of anyone alive. But then I came back, and i could have killed him that night and you know it. Now you think you'll be safer here with me...'
Her eyes filled with tears, 'Louis... I didn't know... If I had I would've warned you like I am now... Please believe me...'
His eyes flashed, but he said nothing. He ran a hand over his face, and glanced over when a handful of newly arrived refugees walked passed.
'Go home,' he growled at last, 'I don't want you here anymore.'
Her brows pulled together, 'You don't mean that...'
'Oh, but I do,' he said in a low snarl, his eyes flashing, 'I've never meant anything more than I do right now...'
'Louis...please...' she whispered, 'If I go back, Ira will kill me for betraying him... Please...'
'Dammit! Vanessa, I don't have time for this!' he shouted. his reaction felt very real.
She winced, 'You mean the she-Wolf that was bitten by the Leech?'
He snorted, looking away from her.
'Is she your...?' she could not say what she feared, but knew he caught her meaning.
'What she is to me is none of your concern,' he growled.
Winston approached them warily, much to Louis' relief.
'Louis,' Winston said, 'Lyrah wishes to speak with you...'
'Is it Eden?' Louis asked.
Winston gave a nod with a rather pained expression, 'It's her...'
Louis turned to Vanessa, 'I'm through with this conversation. I suggest you turn around and go right on back to Ira and beg for your life if you value it anymore. And if you really plan on staying here then stay the fuck away from me.' oho!
She stared brokenly at him, tears streaming down her cheeks, 'Louis...'
He turned and started running for the train station with Winston right behind him. Vanessa only stood watching him until he vanished into the building.
Lyrah was waiting for him just outside the supply closet where Eden was being kept. Winston gave Louis' shoulder a pat and left them alone.
'How is she?' Louis asked, watching the door.
'She's dead, Louis,' she replied carefully, 'She died... only moments ago... The venom was far too strong for her...' O_O
Louis felt suddenly breathless, and all color drained from his face. First Violet. Now Eden. He found himself praying this was some cruel joke.
'You can go and see for yourself if you don't believe me,' Lyrah said softly, her red eyes brimming with tears, 'And say a few last words, no comma as well before we put her to rest... Take your time...'
Louis pressed his lips together, and then entered the supply closet.
She lay on a makeshift cot, her skin pale as the ice. He grimaced at the sight of her, his heart twisting inside his chest as he knelt beside her.
Very carefully, he picked her body up off the cot and held her against his chest the way he used to hold Violet while she slept. He smoothed back her tangled mess of hair, running his fingertips down the scar on her face which Nero had given her the night they all met, down to the two punctures on her throat where the Leech had bitten her.
A tear slipped silently down his cheek, 'Eden...'
A long silence followed. He knew that he had to say goodbye, that he had to let her go. But he did not want to. very effective. I liked how you used a period and not a comma to break up the ‘but he did not want to’. It made it stand out, and the pause worked very well.
For once in his life he wished that goodbyes were not a necessity.

'Ashé has succeeded in breaking Zayn's will,' said the Voice in the dark, 'But he has no intentions of helping us further. I need you to eliminate them, Arza. Do you understand?'
'I do, Bael,' said the Divine standing before him.
'I sent a small party for some reason I thought the word ‘party’ didn’t fit well in this ominous setting x) after them first, to test Zayn's new strength,' said Bael, 'I want to know what we are up against. With his soul restored he is as powerful as any god in Our World. I wouldn't want to waste my efforts that I put into you. Now... There is no doubting they will recognize you. Especially Zayn. But nevertheless, as long as Ashé is in control, they would not hesitate to kill you if you give them that chance.'
'I will not allow them the chance,' Arza whispered.
Bael stood, 'Do you remember your Chieftain before he was rid of Ashé? What he was like?'
'Yes...' whispered Arza.
'Were you afraid of him comma then?' asked Bael.
'We all were,' Arza breathed.
'And now? Are you afraid to face him?' Bael pursued.
'No,' Arza growled through his teeth.
'And why is that?' Bael wondered, grinning.
'After losing all that I had to live for it is difficult to fear death itself,' Arza replied coldly, 'They have nothing to use against me. Nothing at all...' I like this.
'I'm sure revenge would be a sweet taste, as well,' Bael remarked, 'After all, it was Zayn who caused all of this trouble in the first place. If it was not for him then perhaps you would still be Home with the rest of your brethren.'
A snarl tore from Arza's throat.
'When my reports return I will set you free,' Bael said, 'And you will be able to keep you your freedom if you manage to kill Zayn. Keep in mind, though comma if you fail and live to tell the tale, We will not hesitate to kill you.'

Louis swallowed. It was time to let go now.
He gave Eden's pale face a last look, trying to imprint her features into his mind. He did not want to forget anything about her. After all, she had indeed impacted his life. She had changed his thoughts on so many things.
"I think you're just broken" she had said to him.
That was nearly a month ago.
He remembered the night When they had first arrived in New Mexico. They had been looking out over the horizon when she told him.
'If I wasn't broken then...' he whispered to her, pressing his lips together, 'I certainly am now...'
He held her close once more and stood with her in his arms.
Her hand flinched. This was confusing at first to tell whether or not you were still talking about the flashback, or back in real time.
Louis froze, and held his breath as her fingers spread over his heart as though to feel his heart beating.
He gulped and looked down to discover a large pair of dark amber eyes staring lifelessly back at him.
All he could do was stare back, his jaw agape. This creature was not Eden. There was no trace of her in those eyes, not even a hint that she had been there before.
He drew in a breath, and released it as he prepared to speak. Before the words could be spoken she snatched him by the throat with both hands and lunged upward, her fangs bared and ready for his flesh.
'No!' he shouted, jerking back his head and pulling her off.
She hit the floor and yowled, but was up again in an instant. She sprang, reaching out with her hands for him. He sidestepped her, crashing into the empty shelves and toppling them over as he jumped away from her again. Louis could not comprehend her motives, but he did know that she wanted to kill him. Had he become her prey?
She shrieked with frustration, crouched low on the floor with foam dripping from her fangs. She phased into a Wolf, her sable fur unfurling all over her body while her fingers lengthened into claws. Her tongue lolled out of her mouth, her nostrils flaring.
Louis backed into a corner, watching her every move.
She lunged again, but he caught her by the shoulder with one hand and the top of her snout with the other, holding her back.
'Stop!' he shouted, 'Eden! Eden comma stop!'
She snarled and whipped her head around his arm, managing to catch his forearm in between her jaws. He screamed at the fire that came with her bite.
He slumped against the wall, gaping at her. She glared back him, her eyes flashing when he raised his other hand to stop her. With a snarl, she released his arm and went for his throat. He grimaced when her fangs pierced his skin, and felt sick when he heard her sucking his blood. He only tried twice, feebly, to push her away, but something held him back.
Was it the realization I’m not sure if ‘realization’ is the right word, since he can’t be sure he is actually helping her. that she needed this? That he was helping her?
The door burst open then. He looked over, dazed by both the loss of blood and the overwhelming scent of turpentine which she now exuded. His pack stood shocked in the doorway, with them, was were Lyrah and Ro.
They all only stared.
In his groggy state Louis noticed that Eden had stopped. Her fangs had retracted. She felt warm again, and he could hear her heart beating again, stronger than ever.
He swallowed.
Winston snarled and took a step forward.
'Stay,' Louis breathed, his eyes flashing to him, 'Stay back... All of you leave...'
Lyrah bit her lip and turned away, 'Come on...'
The Wolves bared their fangs, but they left eventually although very reluctantly.
When they were alone, Louis finally released a quivering breath and gathered Eden in his arms, 'Eden...'
He started when she touched her hand to his chest again, and looked up at him, her eyes clear gold again.
'Louis...?' she rasped. blood dripping from her lips
He grimaced, his eyes filling with tears.
'Louis...did I...?' she stammered, looking horrified when she saw the blood on his neck.
He nodded, smoothing back her hair. When she tried to touch the wound where she had bitten him, he grabbed her hand, 'Don't...I'm alright...'
Her face twisted as though she were in great pain and she choked on a sob.
He held her as though she was a child who had just awoken from a nightmare.
'What's happening?' she sobbed, tearing at her hair.
He caught her wrist and pulled down her arm, 'Enough of that... I'm alright...really... You don't have any venom at all hardly...'
'I could have killed you...' she said, horrified.
'You didn't take near enough blood for that...' he assured her.
She curled into a ball in his lap, trembling all over, 'But I could have...'
'Damn it Eden!' he breathed, wrapping his arms around her tiny frame, 'I could care less what could have happened or what did happen...'
She looked up at him, shocked by the wavering in his voice.
'You're alive...' he whispered, closing his eyes. Nothing else mattered.


'...I don't want to kill anymore...'
Zayn leaned back against the bottom of an over turned overturned sleigh in between the runners. He was covered head to foot in dark crimson. All around him the bodies of caravaners not sure if I like the word ‘caravaners’. it looks strange. were scattered; all of them had been killed by his hand.
They had left Little Rock behind them two nights before, and had stumbled upon this caravan of refugees in the dead of night.
Zayn could still hear them screaming. He could feel hot blood slicking his skin as it spouted from their throats. Men. Women. Children. None had been spared. uuhg *holds stomach*
'Please... Stop...' he said, groping at his chest, 'No more blood.'
*"You are so pathetic," Ashé spat, "This is mere child's play."
Zayn clenched his teeth and rasped, 'I don't want this... These people are not my enemies...'
"They will be in the coming war," Ashé whispered, "When you open that Door do you honestly believe they will see you as their hero? All any one sees in you is the one that started it all. They will come after you."
'Can't the bloodshed wait until then?' Zayn asked.
"What would be the fun in that?" Ashé chuckled.
Zayn was silent. He felt sick.
"I see you still hold onto a lifeline," Ashé remarked, "Is that life really so important?'
Zayn touched his fingertips to a pale grey spot on his throat, 'I can't let this one die... Not after what he did for me.'
"He did it in vain and you know it," Ashé grunted, "You only prolong the inevitable, as always...'
'Siobhan can help him,' Zayn whispered, 'I know she can.'
"Will he manage to survive for that long?"
'I'll be sure that he does...' Zayn said through his teeth.
"And if I took control over the Mark?" Ashé insinuated.
'Louis is bound to me,' Zayn snapped, 'Though you are a part of me now we have become two very different beings and this is still my body. That bond is mine to control not yours. I'll make sure that you can't touch him.'
"He isn't worth my time anyway..." Ashé grunted.
They fell silent.
Zayn sat forward when he felt the presence of other consciences. He could hear Their footsteps on the ice and feel every pulsation of their beating hearts. They were approaching quickly.
"They are here..." Ashé said.
Zayn stood up, wavering a little, 'I know...'






*Ashe speaks to Zayn in normal quotations, just until I get to a computer so I can put him in Italics instead. I hope you guys enjoyed reading the chapter! Comment/review!

I always enjoy reading each chapter! Even though it takes me AGES to get a review out, I always look forward to when I sit down and start reviewing, because I know I will never be disappointed. You are very consistent like that

Well, as always, you were able to evoke more than one strong emotion in me in these few pages. Somehow (and I have no idea how you do it) you can wow me with description, cause me to ‘aww!’ at the romantic parts, and make me sick to my stomach with your vivid elements of horror (which is a good thing btw) all in the same space.

Hm, what to say besides the usual stuff.
If you haven’t gone back to read any of your previous chapters yet, I think now might be a good time to do so. I think they’ve sat long enough so that you can see the story with fresh eyes and perhaps edit it to perfection. It might also give you more inspiration as to how you want your characters to progress, if you haven’t got it planned out already.

As of right now, I’m still hooked. You’ve kept things interesting with Louis’s growing love (yes I’ll call it that) for Eden, and Zayn’s unfortunate circumstances. There are plenty of things that can happen, and I’m excited to see where you’re planning to take it. I’m even starting to get crazy excited about the finale, cuz I have a feeling it’s going to be absolutely awesome.

But that might not be for a long ways still, haha!
Well, that’s all I’ve got to say… it’s past 1 am so I’d better get some sleep or something x)