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Omg so much stuff went on in this chapter that I don’t even know where to start!
Let’s start with the ending, with Vanessa’s betrayal. I couldn’t believe that she actually did it. From the very beginning, you made her seem like a caring person that could not stand the sight of anyone being in pain. And now you have her STAB her husband? How much farther off can you get? It didn’t add up with how you introduced her, but I rather like this more deceiving side to her. She acts like she doesn’t really care or understand what she’s doing. ‘omg what have I done!’ well, looks like you just stabbed your lover and are killing him from the inside out. Without even fully realizing how much pain you could cause him if you wanted. It makes her seem like a wild card, and dangerous.
Also, I think it would be a very interesting situation if you made it so that Ira persuaded her to do this after stealing her heart. Like, if he purposely made her fall in love with him, not because he loved her, but because he needed this favor done by her. That way, Vanessa would’ve ‘killed’ her husband for this man who’s pretending to love her. It’s like a taste of her own medicine, only she doesn’t realize it yet. Is that making any sense?
Next, I’m curious as to what the problem with their relationship was in the first place. Louis kept apologizing and everything and they both said it would never be the same between them. It could’ve been anything. For some odd reason I think it was because maybe Vanessa had a miscarriage or something, but I don’t really see how that would be Louis’s fault or how that would threaten their relationship. I also have no idea why that popped into my head. But I have a hard time believing that it was one thing that made Vanessa decide to give him the ultimate betrayal. I mean, something must have really pissed her off to make her say ‘alright, I’m gonna dump Louis for his brother and then stab him in the back so he can get eaten by wolves and then live in hell for the rest of his life’. I mean, she was in love, right? I just can’t imagine anyone turning into a monster like this all of a sudden.
I have to say I really enjoyed reading about the love triangle thingy between those three. Very interesting!
And now back to the beginning with the city. Omg I should not have been eating while reading that section x) You did an excellent job describing the whole area, I saw how you used several paragraphs of description and it was great. Grody, but great. I don’t see any problems with it. I wonder a bit about how there are shops, like if demons could just kill their own meat or scavenge for dead meat, why would they pay for it? Would that kind of thing really exist in this ‘society’? If there were good butcher shops open, with fine cuts of meat hanging around, wouldn’t the more powerful clans simply steal and then kill the owner? It seems more logical that way.
And the Bleed disease. How gruesome. It seems almost like overkill to have it contagious AND incurable, but whatevs. You mentioned that in Louis’s kit he had antibiotics, so wouldn’t those help, at least a little? It seems like there might be leftover medicines from Before that would be strong enough to ward off infection. Penicillin? That’s strong stuff. Whatever I used for my pneumonia was strong stuff too. I mean, in our day and age there’s hardly anything that is incurable, if not treatable. I hope in later chapters you will explain a little more about what causes this disease and stuff.
Uhhm, where did Violet get the bear meat? x) I assume she just stole it or something but you never show us. You just say Louis sets her down and like two sentences later she’s holding a slab of bear meat.
Ok, that’s all I had to say. Whew! That was a lot.
Thanks for the feedback, You guys!
I'll start editing asap. But if I do rewrite a few chapters, Violet may not be written out after all... And the in chapter 5 Zayn is left behind by Ira and his group. I'm revising a lot now that's why I haven't posted much since 14.
thanks so much for all your help!
I'll let you know if/when the revised stuff is up
First of all: SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY!
This chapter took me forever, but at least I managed, right?
I’m going to save my comments about Violet’s death ( :’( ) and put the nitpicks in first.
‘Mounted the hill’ does not sound right for two reasons. One, you jut started this chapter, and it’s too early to be calling anything ‘the’ just yet. You’ve introduced a random hill at the start of a chapter; use ‘a hill’.
Also, I cut three things that thought were blocking the flow. 1) ‘both’ 2) the comma after ‘him’ 3) ‘to’. Without those words, and with my corrections, the sentence reads: “Louis came to a halt atop hill, pausing a moment to view the land before him and allow Eden time to catch up.”
Although, with my correction, ‘came to a halt’ and ‘pausing a moment’ are repetitive phrases. I sure you can fix it.
‘Still’ is repetitive here.
‘Caught her up’ just doesn’t feel right; too clunky. I suggest cutting the ‘up’.
Of
The phrase after the comma doesn’t read so well. Try reading it aloud and you’ll realize that the pause in your words (because of the comma) is awkward.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. You can ignore this if you want.
How would you fix it? Maybe “Louis looked confusedly at her.”
Except that the word ‘confusedly’ is so ugly. >.<
The emotions and thoughts of both Eden and Louis are confusing at this point. Eden gives Violet the googly eyes, and I assume Louis glares her down. However, right after that (the italicized line) she asks a question pointed Louis. Wut?
Normally, when asking ‘What is it?’ the query is questioning the actions or reactions of someone else. I would have expected this:
Louis suddenly came alert, his jaw squaring tight and the little hairs at the back of his neck standing up straight.
“What is it?” Eden whispered.
See?
The part I italicized seems a little weird to me. Like, it looks like it should have a comma, but even that seems to much. I would suggest something different: “We'll have Eradicators and god knows who else on our backs if even one person sees us.”
The ‘D’ needs to be capitalized. Also, you need a space between ‘whispered.’ and ‘The,’
I thought he slung it in front of him. Therefore, he would be crushing Violet down into the ground.
Okay, this is the part I don’t understand. Is Eden in the cage or not? If she was, why wasn’t she spiked too? If she wasn’t, why did she wait around for the Eradicators to catch her?
Space.
I don’t know why you capitalized ‘Lures’. I also don’t understand the concept of those lures. Did they send Eden out to get ripped to shreds?
Vixen? Also, how did they do that so easily? I understood that Louis was super-strong.
It’s just, the whole emotional atmosphere is too resigned and sad. There should be a charged feel to the air, Louis getting ready to fight for his life, Eden running away with Violet, that sort of stuff.
Question mark after the dip-shit.
Remove the ‘and’, it’s much more dramatic.
‘Figure’ is waaay too repetitive in these sentences. I suggest you give Zayn another name here.
It’s spelled ‘saviour’, and you need a space between ‘draping,’ and ‘Louis’.
Again, repetitive on the figure.
This is perfect. It’s not spoken by anyone, so it seems as though Louis is thinking it. It’s not italicized like thoughts normally are, though, so it also seems like a word from the Narrator, you. Just the perfect way to end the chapter.
Alright, this chapter, as I said before, has a very sorrowful atmosphere; the characters give up even before they’ve really lost. It may be the rebel in me wanting them to fight back and win, but I still think you should have put a little more spark into Louis at the end.
Secondly, why did they kill Violet? There seems to be no reason for this senseless murder, unless Eradicators were like that.
One final note, how did Zayn leave Vanessa and Ian? He was with them in the last chapter, right? Why is he suddenly here?
Anyways, excellent as always!
Jenth
Here it is!
Wow, I see why you hated writing this chapter. It's so difficult to write, and at the same time, it's extremely important.
I wish I had a little more time to get to know Violet, but apparently that’s not going to happen now! *cries*
The most exciting part for me was when he got trapped under the cage, and when Eden was discovered by the men. That really freaked me out, I was just thinking ‘oh my god what are they going to do to her?’. I expected a bit more taunting from the men, it feels like they would’ve had a lot more sick suggestive comments or something. The scene went pretty quickly from that, escalating to the point when they suddenly kill Violet. If was just a bit fast, in my opinion, the whole climax. You could tell from the moment Louis got trapped that they were all in huge trouble, and I think you could’ve ridden out that tension a lot more. I mean, if you really wanted us to hate those men, you could even make them try to rape Eden again or something. It seems like something they would do.
Going back to the beginning, I loved the character foil you created between Eden and Louis. I’m really starting to like her character. Sometimes, it feels like Louis is being extremely depressing, and I wish he would just allow himself a bit of happiness, but I suppose that’s a good thing because that means he has so much room to grow across the course of this story.
And the ending. That was Zayn, right? I imagined the blindfold detail is supposed to give it away to the readers, but maybe you should give us a little something else, because even I am doubting that it is really him.
I’m so curious to read on. Is Violet really dead?? How in the world will Louis handle what just happened? Where will Zayn be off to? What will Eden decide to do? There’s a whole lot to look forward to.
The best thing you could do for this chapter, if you would to edit it, is to just flesh it out more, and give us a bit more time with the characters. I can see this being a long chapter, (it is, after all, quite important) even if you just make it ‘boring’ with random conversations between Eden and Louis on their travels, or a moment of Louis bottle feeding Violet, or something like that, just as a last huzzah for Violet before she dies.
I hope this helped!! And I see you've already got the next chapter up
Thanks for reviewing
(
And I got attached to her myself
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! How could Violet die?
Sorry just had to say that. I see why you hated writing it.
The entire middle bit I was sitting on the edge of my seat, but the part where Violet dies is a bit confusing. I had to read over it twice to get what actually happened. Can I just assume those people were Ira's? And I have a little tickelish feeling in the back of my head that the savior was Zayn, I have no idea if I'm right or not, actually i think I'm wrong but that's what my head is telling me.
I didn't notice any grammar mistakes.
And you deffinatly succeeded in getting the reader atatched to Violet and then breaking their hearts (just assuming thats what you were going for). I am officially itching to see what happens next; more please!