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Crawl
‘We’ll go to the base in Boulder,’ Ira was telling his captain, Mayes, as they looked over their map in the back of the wagon, ‘I want to avoid Underworlder Territory as much as possible since we’re in no shape for a fight. While we’re in Boulder we can stock up on supplies and gather a few more troops and then we can head for Manhattan to join the forces there holding the front lines. And I want us there in three weeks, so get your people together and start mapping out the best route.‘’
Mayes nodded, pushing his glasses further onto the bridge of his nose, ‘Yessir.’ So if Mayes was Ira’s captain, why would he be taking orders from him? It doesn’t make sense.
They had stopped in Phoenix to rest, and by now most of the men had stopped talking about what took place in California, although none of them really knew anything except Ira and Vanessa and the rest of the men who dies died in the dark labyrinths underground. Ira and Vanessa had said nothing about it, whether out of fear or simply because they had no desire to bring it up, to relive those events all over. The vision that he had seen in the tunnel still haunted him. Every time he closed his eyes he could see Louis as he Changed and could feel his teeth and claws tearing into his flesh. He had been kept awake at night fearing that Louis was alive, unable to imagine what he would do if they ever met again, if he was indeed alive.
He had seen Louis dead with his own eyes, he continued to tell himself that. Louis was dead. And even if he was not, Ira had an entire army to protect him. Yet even with this amount of logical knowledge he could not shake the sense that Louis was out there, somewhere, waiting for a chance to take his revenge.
Ira leaned back and set his broken leg on a small crate of ammunition with a slight grimace, and ran his hand down his face, ‘You’re smart. Can I ask you something, Mayes?’
He looked quizzically at the man next to him.
The captain bit his lip and shrugged, ‘Of course you can, sir.’
‘Have you ever heard of an underground tunnel in San Diego?’ he asked, 'Just out of curiosity, of course.’
Mayes blinked a few times and bit the inside of his cheek in thought. He cleared his throat and said slowly, ‘I can tell you I’ve heard a few stories that the Underworlders tell about their old home Before. A city under Human society, but those are just stories.’
Just then a feeling swept over Ira. It was similar to the one he had felt in those tunnels, but somehow different, not stronger or weaker, yet still not quite equal. But it was overwhelming enough to make Ira feel as though he was back there, back in those tunnels. He swallowed and chewed anxiously at his thumb nail, but his eyes betrayed him with their wary glint and nervous twitching. He then took a pouch out of his pocket and retrieved a half smoked cigarette from it, as well as a lighter.
‘They are just stories...right?’ Mayes asked, concern taking over his features.
Ira lit the cigarette and took a long drag from it, unable to keep his hands from trembling. why the break here? If the next bit is part of the same conversation, why would you separate it?
‘Sir?’ Mayes said.
‘I don’t know,’ Ira spat, unable to keep the edge from his voice. He exhaled a cloud of smoke and crushed the cigarette out, ‘I don’t...’ He ran his hand over his face again and then scratched his head.
Just as soon as it came, the feeling passed and Ira could breathe again. He gulped and looked to the sky, and felt all color drain from his face when he saw a bird fly overhead.

‘So do you have a family East?’ Jessa asked Zayn as they walked along the road.
Zayn side-stepped casually to the right when she came too close and rubbed his hand on the back of his neck, ‘Something like that, I suppose.’
'What do you mean?’ she asked, 'They’re either there, or they’re not.’
'Whatever happened to not asking questions?’ Anthony snorted, looking offended.
‘He doesn’t mind when I ask him questions,’ she said, and stuck her tongue out at Anthony before returning her attention to Zayn, ‘I’m almost seventeen, you know? Mae says I’m smarter than most girls my age.’
‘I don’t find that very surprising,’ Zayn said, clasping his hands behind his back, ‘You don’t strike me as very ordinary.’
She beamed, ‘Thank you.’
‘Dex I don’t know about him,’ Anthony whispered to his brother-in-law, glancing warily back at their guest, ‘He acts almost...too friendly?’
‘There’s a world filled with people who want to enslave and or torture you and beasts that would give about as much thought to killing and eating you as they would about taking a shit in a trash can, yet you’re afraid of the only one who’s nice?’ Dex remarked, arching a brow at him.
He knew enough about Zayn to know that he had every right to be afraid of him and that he would never trust him, even if his life depended on it, but he had no reason to deny his company, not yet. Still, he found the stranger intriguing, and wanted to know more about him, if not to sate his own thirst for knowledge then to at least learn that not all Underworlders were heartless. And he had a feeling Zayn had already proved that to him.
Mae huffed and sat down on the side of the road, holding her belly. She gritted her teeth and said softly, ‘I’m sorry. My feet are just so sore.’
‘It’s okay,’ Dex assured her, running his hand over her hair gently, ‘We can rest for an hour or two.’ isn’t Anthony her husband though? Why is Dex being so intimate? At least it seemed that way to me, running his hand through her hair and all. Isn’t that Anthony’s job?
Shi sat next to Zayn’s feet, glancing anxiously down the road. Half an hour had passed since they stopped to rest. Anthony was rubbing Mae’s swollen feet with gentle hands and Dex was acting as her pillow while she closed her eyes for awhile. Jessa was stroking Dog, who was sitting in her lap, as she spoke more praise for her elder brother to Zayn.
Zayn was standing in the road, his arms folded across his chest. He scuffed the toe of his boot on the ground and looked in the same direction as Shi when he sensed oncoming consciences. Only merchants and other travelers coming from the east.
He scratched his jaw and sat down on the road with his back turned to the others, scratching Shi’s ears thoughtfully.
'I wonder what Philadelphia will be like,’ Jessa sighed, 'Dex, you’ve been there right?’
'Only once,’ he replied with a sigh, 'It’s a lot bigger than any place you’ve ever seen. And another page break it seems. I don’t know if this is just on my computer or not.
quieter...’
'Mom would be so excited to go there,’ she remarked, 'I wish she be was with us now.’
Zayn bit his lip and was quiet when she sat next to him and reached under the collar of her shirt and pulled out a gold chain that hung around her neck. On the end of it dangled a little golden ring with a faceted emerald set into the top.
‘My mom gave me this,’ she said, ‘It’s probably not worth very much out here but it’s special.’
He nodded slightly, ‘That’s all that really matters.’
‘Do you have any parents?’ she asked.
He shook his head slowly, ‘No.’
‘My parents died too,’ she said, shrugging and then biting her lip.
‘Jess,’ Dex said from where he sat, and shook his head at her when she looked back at him.
‘Oh...’ she muttered, and put her necklace back. She shook off the shadow that came over her face and brightened again, ‘Have you ever heard of James Fennimore Cooper? He wrote a book I read once, it was really great. Have you ever seen a deer before? He talks about those a lot but I don’t know what they are.’
‘Those died out a long time ago,’ Anthony said, ‘They were skinny little things with antlers on their heads and sometimes spots on their backs. We used to hunt them but soon there wasn’t anything left.’
‘That tends to happen when there’s nothing for them to eat,’ Dex said, standing up and stretching his back, ‘Same with birds and cows and such...It’s just too damn cold anymore.’ Being a farm girl, I’m pretty sure that cows would outlast humans in the cold. Even young ones. Ours will stand out in the middle of a negative 10 degree snowstorm and still be alright. I think if people tried doing that they would get severely frostbitten. So it’s really weird to say they all died from the cold. You could say that people know how to start fires, and that keeps them warm, but it still doesn’t make any sense to me.
‘I wonder if there’s grass in Philadelphia,’ Jessa wondered aloud, ‘I heard it’s soft and you can walk on it barefoot.’
‘There’s no more grass,’ Mae sighed, grimacing as Anthony helped her put her boots back on.
‘Doesn’t mean more couldn’t grow,’ she snorted, standing up as well.
‘That would take a miracle, seeing how the world’s frozen over and getting colder every day,’ Dex remarked, helping Mae to her feet.
Zayn stood and stuffed his hands in his pockets, walking away from the conversation before he could be dragged into it. He would not be a miracle. If anything at all he would be the one to strike the final blow and bring this world to its inevitable end.
They walked along for hours in the midst of the mostly unchanging wasteland. Zayn kept his distance, walking on the other side of the road and staying just behind the little family. He paid no heed to Jessa’s wondering glances back at him or to the pressure of Shi’s mind attempting to grant him what peace she could offer his starving soul. Being around so few had never been such a burden. The Mark over his heart bloomed with a gentle warmth and tender waves of sympathy and encouragement and strength but even that was like attempting to douse a raging forest fire with a single cup of water.
He ran his hand over his face and flinched when he suddenly realized Dog was walking next to him. Even the Life of the little animal was tempting him.
He sidestepped away from the dog until he was walking in the ditch. Shi bared her fangs at Dog and gave a low growl, her ears laying back. Dog whimpered and scurried back to Dex’s side. Dex raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

They had to stop again, earlier than Zayn had wanted, but at least they were in the open, where the air was easier to breathe.
Dex left the warmth of the fire to join Zayn at the edge of the camp, drawing a cigarette from a small leather pouch. He did not notice that Zayn was holding his breath or clenching his fists anxiously.
‘You smoke?’ Dex asked him, offering him the cigarette as he exhaled a cloud of smoke.
Zayn accepted, willing to try any way to calm his frazzled nerves and smooth the edge of hunger. He took a deep drag from the cigarette and held the smoke in his lungs as he returned it to its owner, ‘Thank you…’
Dex nodded and rubbed his hands together, glancing around the land, now bathed in the blood-red light of the sphere overhead, the moon hidden behind a canopy of thick clouds.
‘Why do you keep lying to them?’ Zayn whispered, twin columns of smoke billowing from his nostrils as he spoke.
Dex was still, and did not answer, though he did glance over his shoulder at the others gathered around the fire. He cleared his throat and turned his back on them again, ‘How’d you know?’
‘You fear them discovering your lies, not only failing them,’ Zayn replied, ‘But really it all goes hand in hand.’
‘In lying to them I fail them,’ Dex muttered.
‘So why do you lie?’ the other insisted, taking another drag from the cigarette, ‘You know as well as I do that Philadelphia was destroyed a long time ago.’
Dex huffed and accepted the cigarette, ‘I don’t know… They’ve been through so much already. And my sisters have put so much effort into that stupid encyclopedia. They have their hearts set on Philadelphia. They’ve dreamed of it since we were little, who am I to tell them that it’s as dangerous, if not more, than anywhere else?’
‘You can’t sugarcoat everything you feed them,’ Zayn grunted, ‘Their teeth will rot.’
Dex looked at him quizzically and then stepped back when he stood up.
Shi was on her feet as well, looking to Zayn for further instruction.
‘You should get some sleep,’ Zayn said to Dex, ‘All of you should.’
‘What about you?’ Dex asked him, crushing out the last of the cigarette.
Zayn shook his head, ‘I’m going to scout ahead, make sure the roads are safe enough for the women to pass through and free of any trouble.’
He gave Dex a quietly dismissive nod and began to walk, glad when he felt the calling souls fade away. With every step he took away from them he found himself drawing closer to the presence that had been following him since California. Teasing, tempting, and torturing his senses with the scent of the lives he would not take but could not leave behind him. The conflict, the lack of control, the growing hunger in his soul, it was all too much to handle all at once. He would not be able to take it much longer.

Good chapter. I was a little confused at first when you were in Ira’s part. He was ordering around his captain, Mayes (I don’t remember you ever mentioning Mayes or the fact that Ira had a captain before), and telling him to get troops ready for the front line or whatever. Is there going to be a war or something? I don’t get it. And then Ira starts thinking about Louis, and how he’s getting this weird feeling again… I didn’t really get any of it to be honest. Maybe it’s just me, but as a first run-through I didn’t understand it.

It felt much better after that. Great slow pacing, it feels like action will heat up soon, especially with the ominous ending x) I think it’s really awesome that you know when to slow down, and let us see your characters. You know, the stuff you did with Jess and Zayn, and with Dex sharing a cig with Zayn. It’s all awesome. I feel like I’m growing really close to this group of travelers. I’m really impressed that you were able to establish them so fast, and that I’m rooting for them already.

About the Dex/Mae relationship and the Anthony/Mae relationship, I think you should distinguish the two a little more. It seems like both guys really care for her and are looking out for her the best they can, and if you don’t watch it, it will look like Dex is trying to be competition for Anthony. I mean, Dex should know to back off a little and let Anthony take care of her, even if he’s always been the big brother. Like, the part where you had Anthony rubbing her sore feet while she was resting up against Dex was a little odd. I mean, if I was Mae, I probably would’ve said forget the feet and curled up against Anthony. There really isn’t any reason for Dex to be offering extra help, if anything he should be looking after the seventeen year old.

Well those are just my thoughts, onto the next chapter!

damn, my computer's being a tard x( I hope this posts ok

'...And that's how I ended up here,' Louis sighed as he and Lyrah walked amongst the ruins of the old city.
He had been in San Angelo for three days now. He did not know what held him there, after all there was no reason for him to be there anymore. The only reason he ever had set out to find this place was to find a safe home for himself and Violet. That reason was gone now, and Now, all San Angelo held was empty meaning and the bitterness of broken promises. only held an empty meaning and a broken promise for hims. So why did he remain? So why did he linger, like a ghost to it’s place of death? Eh, crappy example, but that’s what it reminded me of.
'That's quite an interesting journey...' she remarked, 'Quite sad, also... I'm very sorry for your loss...'
'I don't like to talk about it...' he muttered, kicking a rock ahead of him.
'I understand,' she said as they approached a small mixed group of Underworlders and Humans gathered around a barrel containing a fire. She smiled as she positioned herself next to a male Drow with large scarlet eyes.
'This is Ro,' she said, 'My mate. He started a patrol a few weeks ago to help guard the town. Ro, darling, this is my friend, Louis. He says he was traveling with Zayn before he came here.'
Ro's eyes widened then, 'Zayn? There's a name I haven't heard in...since Before, I believe...'
He shook Louis's hand, 'Welcome to San Angelo... I think what should be lowercase, since you are continuing the sentence What remains of it, at least...'
'I've heard of the attacks,' Louis said, 'Do you know who it might be?' ‘ Do you know who’s behind it?’ might sound better.
'My patrols have been on duty every second of every day,' Ro huffed, 'Still comma we never see them coming or see them leaving when they've taken what they want from us... Which leads me to believe it's an inside operation.' Maybe this can be rephrased to something like ‘Still, we never see them come or leave, even after they’ve taken what they want from us. Which leads me to believe it’s an inside operation.’
'Everyone's a suspect,' Louis said, repeating what Lyrah had told him when he first met her.
'My mate tells me you have a mark,' Ro changed the subject, his eyes glancing to Louis' throat.
Louis touched his fingertips to the spot absentmindedly at its mention, biting his lip. The Drow waved away his men and looked around to make sure they were alone. only ones around were himself, his mate, and the Wolf.
'Zayn and Ashé have left these marks on more than one poor soul before,' Ro said sighed, peering at it carefully, 'Mostly when they drain energy from others to restore their own vitality during battle. But those victims never live long enough to draw a last breath, much less as long as you have. Zayn must have taken very little of your strength.'
'It was necessary,' Louis muttered, period
'It looks larger than it was before,' Lyrah remarked.
Louis was silent.
'Then this probably means that your life is leaking out of your being as we speak,' said Ro, 'Or that the Mark is consuming you.'
'Is there any way to get rid of it?' Louis asked, touching the patch of black. It felt like faceted stone, and was cold as ice. I like that you describe the mark more.
'Zayn was built to kill, not to heal,' Ro replied, 'The whole purpose behind his creation was to act as Rauma's assassin and bodyguard. The Mark was his best tool. It gave him the energy that was being sapped away from its bearer and also degraded the health of said bearer, so that it was not so conspicuous when it did die. In fact comma many thought the Mark was a disease... No one ever survives it. And I have never heard of it being reversed.'
'But if it could be done, I would think Siobhan would be the one to help you,' Lyrah said, 'After all she was created to encourage life, not to halt it, like Zayn.'
Louis bit his lip, 'So it's hopeless for me... I think a comma might be a better choice than the ellipse That's what you're saying? Because Zayn can't do anything about it except maybe make it worse and Siobhan is in an entirely separate World. And even if she were here, I couldn't find her in time.'
They were both quiet this time.
'How much longer do I have left?' he finally asked.
'The ones that have ever had the Mark lived perhaps another few weeks...perhaps a month or two after they received it,' Ro said slowly after some thought, 'But of course, that was because Zayn was forcing their energy flow from them on purpose. With you, if you are both friends as you say you are, then maybe he'll try to dam the flow of your energy to him. That way you live long enough for him to get to Siobhan, so she can reverse it.'
Louis grimaced. What if that was not the case? What if Zayn forgot him? What if Zayn did it on purpose? But then again, maybe he deserved this and Zayn knew it. His mind raced with so many questions that nobody but one absent person could answer. He felt himself beginning to panic. Taking a deep breath, he looked at Ro and Lyrah, 'I need some time to think...'
With that, he turned and left them. I really like this setback. Nothing is more frightening than being on death’s door. The uncertainty is probably killing him, too. He’s not used to being so helpless.

Ira sat at his desk in his room, his brow pulled together in deep thought. Vanessa was asleep in their bed.
He picked up a broken piece of mirror and looked at the festering slashes in his face.
He swallowed, his face draining of color as he remembered that night. His brother could have killed him with a single stroke of his hand, but he did not. Just by looking at him, into those fiery golden eyes, Ira knew Louis meant what he had said. If he was ever given another opportunity, he would kill.
Ira shuddered. Louis had managed to infiltrate the headquarters of the Eradicator Company, no comma alone, and worse yet, unnoticed. It was almost too easy for him to do it again if he ever wanted to.
So then, Ira thought, he had to make sure that Louis was never given a second chance.
If only he knew where Louis had gone.
Growling with frustration, he stood to his feet and went outside to the balcony over looking overlooking the city. He leaned against the railing, trying to think.
Louis went east, according to his men. There were only a handful of cities left in that direction. Odessa, McCamey, San Angelo, and Kerrville. Ira bit his lip in thought.
'Ira?' Vanessa said as she stepped outside, came Vanessa’s voice, sounding as if she had just woken up. 'What are you doing out here?'
'He's alive...' Ira said dryly.
She stared at him, 'What are you talking about...?'
'The Wolf in Underworld, the one that stole that thing away from us,' Ira said.
'What about it?' she asked.
'It was Louis,' he replied, clenching his fists.
Her jaw slackened slightly, 'Louis...h-he...you said he was-'
'I was wrong,' Ira interrupted.
She sat down on a box a box of what? Or was it more like a crate… , 'Are you sure?'
'Vanessa... He tried to kill me,' he pointed out, 'I've never been more certain about anything in my life. He's out there. Somewhere.'
She swallowed, 'But Why is he after you?'
'He's a Wolf, Vanessa, he doesn't need a reason,' he said, 'He probably blames me for what happened in Detroit.'
She hugged her arms around herself, trying to comprehend it all. She gulped again, 'What are you going to do?'
'It's not what I'm going to do,' he replied, turning around to face her, 'It's what you're going to do for me.' Oh! Interesting
For this section, I really wished you would’ve had more out of Vanessa. She just seemed emotionless. Not even tired or frustrated, or sad, or anything. She was just there. I imagined her in a soft nightgown, and when you said she hugged her arms, I thought it was from the cold breeze hitting the balcony on her bare arms. I imagined her still tired and groggy from her nap, but still patient with Ira as she tried to grasp what was going on.
But her replies felt one dimensional. I just feel like there should be more of a connection of some sort between her and Ira.

Screams suddenly erupted all over the town, accompanied by a series of gunshots and howls. Eden sat upright on her pallet, only to have Lryah jerk her out of her blankets and underneath the table.
'What the hell is going on!' Nero demanded.
'A raid!' Lyrah replied I don‘t imagine her ‘replying‘ this, I imagined her yelling it. Usually anything with an exclamation point is more than just a reply, it has emotion to it., 'Get down!'
A few bullets riddled the outside of the shack and an Orc that had been ripped in half at the waist came crashing through the window. haha, I like how you just slip in gore at the most surprising moments. I mean, it’s jarring, but in the best way.
Winston dashed outside with Sam and Perry, and Nero looked at Eden, 'Get somewhere safe!'
He leapt outside after the others.
'There's a hatch,' Lyrah said, pulling up the floor boards that were not nailed down, 'Ro dug it for me just in case.'
They clambered into the hatch and Lyrah pulled the boards back over head. It was dark and cramped, but it was safe enough.
It was not long before three figures came lumbering into the room, with them came the strong scent of turpentine and blood. Eden bristled all over. That aroma burned in her nose at first, but soon it burned all over. One of them was a Leech. Great description, it really brought me chills.
She crouched when it stepped close to the hatch.
'There's nothing here,' said an Orc, 'Nothing worth our time anyway.'
'Idiot,' muttered the Leech.
Eden felt an intense urge to phase, but held herself back.
'Who are you calling an idiot!' shouted the Orc.
'You,' snorted the Leech, kneeling down by the floorboards above Eden and Lyrah, 'You have to be much more thorough than that.'
He knocked on the floor, once on a place just next to where they hid, and then on the floorboards over the secret hide away. There was a definite change in the two different tones.
The floorboards were thrown off, and the Leech reached into the pit. Eden lost her self-control then.
She phased in an instant and spring out of her hiding place, her jaws locked around the Leech's shoulder. She curled her small frame around his entire arm.
The Leech gave a shout and snatched her by the nape of her neck with his free hand, throwing her through the shack's thin walls. He snarled and turned his back so that he could focus his attention on Lyrah.
'No one'll miss one old Drow,' he hissed, licking his lips and baring his fangs.
Eden came tearing back into the shack, and tackled the Leech from behind, taking hold of his neck with her jaws.
The Orc was loading its cross-bow, meanwhile, and the Human wrestled Lyrah out of the hatch.
The Leech yowled and reached back for Eden's fur, tearing out handfuls of it while trying to rid himself of her.
She held on, clawing his face and shoulders as terrible snarls ripped from her throat.
The Orc fired its cross-bow, sending an arrow into her ribs.
With a half shriek, half roar, Eden fell to the ground, clutching the arrow.
The Leech turned to face her, 'You bitch!'
He closed a cold, dead hand around her throat and hauled her to her feet so that she was forced to look into his glazed red eyes. He had obviously not fed in a long time, the way his eyes dilated at even the scent of Wolf's blood. I can picture this really really well.
The Leech suddenly forced her head back and sank his fangs into her exposed jugular.
She gave a horrendous scream.
Perry came crashing into the shack and into the Leech, his hackles standing on end as he ripped open the Leech's throat. Sam took down the Orc as he leapt through the hole in the wall, and from the Orc, he sprang onto the man trying to subdue Lyrah.
When the Leech was finally dead, Perry picked up a log from the fire and set it on the corpse. It burst into flames immediately. Cool!
Snorting at the sulfurous stench that arose, Perry backed away from the carcass to Eden's side.
'We have to get out of here,' Sam said, 'The rest of the coven'll be around soon, and we can't handle that without the others.'
Perry tries to gather Eden in his arms, but stopped when she cried out.
'She's not going anywhere,' Lyrah said, 'That Leech bit her.'
She indicated the bite mark, now black and blue and swollen.
'The venom is spreading fast enough as it is,' said Lyrah, 'If we move her it'll only spread faster and kill her.' I have to say this scene did not play out how I thought it would, which is good. I like unexpected! I thought that Lyrah was going to die for sure, and I didn’t think you’d make it so that Eden got seriously injured.
Perry raised his head and howled. There was desperation in his voice.
Sam joined him in the howling. And then they waited for a response.
All that came from outside were four other Leeches, all of them hissing and snarling when they saw their fallen comrade and the Wolves. Oh no!
Perry bared his fangs with a growl placing himself between them and Eden and Sam and Lyrah.
The Leeches crouched, their red eyes glazed over with thirst. At once all four of them jumped on him, shrieking as they tore at his fur with their clawed hands and snapped at his flesh in search of blood. Ah! *shield eyes and peeks out from under them*
Sam sprang into the tangle of bodies, catching one Leech by its shoulder with his jaws.
The Leech screamed but reached back and grabbed a hold of the nape of his neck. It then proceeded to launch him across the room as though he weighed nothing.
Perry lay underneath them, desperately trying to hold them off. He had given up fighting long before, now it was about staying alive.
And then he felt a raging pain ignite in his chest where a Leech had bitten him. He cried out as he succumbed to the pain, allowing the Leeches to overtake him.
The Leeches froze suddenly, but continued to hiss and snarl.
Sam could hear it too, the sound of claws digging into ice, and he could smell an Alpha Wolf approaching.
Louis came rushing in with a large black Wolf with that had a silver underbelly, a half white face and blue eyes. They did not hesitate to crash headlong into the coven. The Leeches screamed and attempted to get away but Louis and the other Alpha snatched them by their legs and dragged them down.
Sam watched as the two ripped the Leeches apart, slashing and tearing at the cold, stony flesh as though it were nothing.
It was all over as quickly as it had begun. The other Alpha watched Louis through narrowed eyes, while Louis glared at him all the way over to Eden's side. Their eyes glittered with distrust.
When he reached Eden, his full attention was stolen away. naww! This was perfect.
She opened her eyes and looked up at him.
'L...Louis?' she rasped reaching for his hand.
'Shh,' he said, taking her hand. Then his gaze shot to Lyrah, becoming fierce again, 'What do we do?'
'I don't have what it takes to draw out the venom,' she said, 'She and the other one both have to fight for their own lives.'
Louis snarled his fangs at her, laying his ears flat.
'I'm sorry,' she said, 'But there is quite literally nothing that can be done except perhaps get them somewhere more comfortable.'
Louis snorted and gathered Eden into his arms despite her cries and shrieks. He looked at the other Alpha and nodded to Perry, 'Galileo, you get Perry and follow me. Come on, Sam.'
Sam struggled to his feet while Galileo picked up Perry. They all followed Louis outside, including Lyrah, who gasped at the sight.
The town had been razed to the ground this time. All that was left was the old train station and a handful of shacks. Everything else was either a smoldering pile of embers or on its way to such a fate. more great description.
Louis carried Eden to the train station where the wounded were being taken. There was only perhaps twenty refugees left now, and most of them were wounded.
'Louis!' Winston cried as he and George came running up, 'What happened!'
Louis only brushed passed them in silence. Nero was standing with three other Wolves, but did not bother to ask what happened when he saw Louis' face.
Ro came limping up to Lyrah, who leaned against him and began to sob uncontrollably, 'What are we going to do?' *sad face* this is heartbreaking!

Louis watched Eden writhe on the floor of the supply closet in the train station. He wanted to be alone with her, away from all the chaos outside. The raid had left San Angelo in a desperate position. There was no medical supplies, no food and barely any water. People were dying of wounds that could not be treated. He figured it was best to stay out of the way for now. But with Eden everything only felt worse.
All that he could do was sit there beside her and feel helpless. He watched her features twist with agony and her lungs struggle for every breath she drew. It had been a three long days and still nothing had changed. If I was Louis, the days would be more than just long. They’d be grueling, torturous. I can only imagine him by her side, trying not to rip his fur out or cry in frustration.
'This brings back memories...' Louis said to her, thinking of the first time he found himself nursing her back to health in an old livestock trailer. There was only one person missing this time. He grimaced, 'Not that I really like to remember that night... Not because it was the night that I met you it was just I don't like to think of you...hurting...'
He glanced at her, running a hand over his face, 'You make me all nervous even when you're unconscious...'
She inhaled sharply, like a fish out of water, and then returned to panting softly. He winced. He could only imagine the pain that she was experiencing.
'I should have been there sooner,'
he whispered, 'I should've never left town...'
He picked up her hand carefully, stroking the back of it gently with his fingers, 'This never would've happened if I'd been there...'
Her only response was a hard grimace and a low moan. She gave his hand a slight squeeze as another wave of agony rippled through her body.
Louis had experienced a vampire's venom once before. But he was much stronger and tougher than Eden, who was slight in build and weighed as much as any young human girl woman- there‘s a big difference between a young girl and a young woman. Most female Wolves were double, even triple her stature and weight. How did she manage to hold on for so long?
'Louis...' she breathed, her eyes fluttering.
'I'm here, Eden...' he assured her, 'I'm right here...'
Her breathing quickened and she arched her back as she screamed in agony.
'Eden!' he exclaimed, trying to hold her down, and then her called, 'Lyrah! Lyrah, quick!'
The Drow came hurrying in, looking exhausted as ever. Winston, Galileo, and a handful of her nurses were with her.
'Something's happening!' Louis said as Lyrah forced him out of her way, 'What's happening!'
Lyrah pulled open one of Eden's eyelids and went pale, 'You have to get out of here, all of you.'
'Fuck that, I'm not going anywhere,' Louis snorted defiantly.
'Louis...' Winston said calmly, 'Let Lyrah work...'

Louis struggled until he caught a glimpse of Eden's eye. The pure gold of her Wolf's eye was flecked with bright red. His jaw sagged. Was she turning into...a Leech? Even as Winston and Galileo both pulled him out of the room all that he could do was stare, hardly putting up a fight anymore. The next thing he knew, the door was slamming in his face and he was outside the room. oh my gosh, this chapter is just pulling my heartstrings all over the place.
He only stood there, trying to comprehend what he had just seen.
'Louis?' Winston's voice sounded far away.
He did not respond.
'Louis!' Winston repeated.
Louis gulped.
'Louis!' exclaimed another voice.
His heart skipped a beat. He knew that voice. It was one he never expected to hear again.
'Vanessa?' he breathed, turning slowly around.
She stood there on the platform, her eyes filling with tears.
'You know her?' Winston asked.
Louis only stared at her, his eyes wide and his jaw agape.
'Louis!' Vanessa said tearfully, running into his arms.
As if in a daze, Louis only stood there. Everything hit him all at once. Eden was changing into something he had never even heard of, possibly even dying, while a woman from his past, one that he loved whole-heartedly, one that he had intended to marry, was here, in his arms again. He could not comprehend it all.
His mind had gone utterly blank.

Woah woah woah woah woah. Hold on a second. They were supposed to be married?! Holy smokes! This totally threw me for a loop. I don’t even know what to say, but this is getting intense.

So I thought this was an excellent chapter!! The beginning was a little slow, but it really picked up and the end was exhilarating. There was so much danger and chaos in the fights that my heart was pumping; I just didn’t know what was going to happen next! You definitely know how to up the suspense by showing us you‘re not afraid to put your characters through pain. It feels like we’re always on the losing side of the battle. So don’t change a thing with how you go about action scenes.

Louis is really going through a lot now, isn’t he? Gosh. You’re really pushing him towards the edge of his sanity. I think you’ve got a lot of skill to make us feel like these characters are going through so much, and then do something like THIS and bring a whole new meaning to emotional torment. I think we’ve all had one of those experiences where things just keep getting worse and worse and worse until you finally get to that stage where our mind just turns blank and you‘re unable to function. Well, at least I have, and the ending scene reminded me of that. So great job bringing all that emotion out.

The only suggestion I have is to just flesh out Ira and Vanessa a bit more, because I still don’t feel like I quite know who they are yet. But now with Vanessa on the main scene, I’m sure we’ll get to see a lot more. I’m really excited for that

I left a lot of suggestions towards the beginning. As always, they are just suggestions that I have thought of, not necessarily corrections, so feel free to take or leave any of them.

If you have any questions just ask!

Thanks for the great chapter!!