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Cool description of Zayn! You definitely made him seem godlike. The whole second half of this was entertaining to me
The first half though was a bit confusing to follow. The fighting was all over the place and then there was that thing hatching out from that other thing’s belly, and then there was a strange man, and where the heck did that terrifying raven go… I was just having a hard time with it. I would work on making it as clear as you can. Was the gross child thing really necessary? It seemed the only reason you made it was so that you could show off Zayn’s fighting skills, but to me it would’ve been just as cool if Zayn fought alongside his bird to defeat that first troll demon.
But I did like the description of Zayn, he seemed uber cool.
no problemo!
Thanks so much!!
This is now my favorite chapter!!!!! I love it!!!!
Every part of it was amazing. It was so emotional.
And now I know the dynamic between the two brothers, it’s quite dramatic! I love it. The fact that one brother would betray the other, and in such a cruel way. It’s so interesting, it makes me want to know more about both their pasts. And now we know how Louis became a werewolf in the first place! Everything you wrote felt so clear to me.
And after that, it only got better!
I totally get what the fight was about now. It was so real to me, I could feel the need and desperation Vixen had to kill Violet, the blind animalism. And at the same time, I could feel Louis’s sympathy, but stronger than that, his protective attitude towards Violet as he held vixen back at all costs. It was very emotional when Vixen came to her senses and collapsed, screaming, hating herself for what she’s become. I guess the best compliment I can give you is that it felt REAL. Everything felt real.
You totally turned my opinion of Vixen around. She doesn’t even seem like the same character I met in your first version. I love the backstory you gave for her name, it feels very believable, given the cruelty of this world. The use of the double-name is very effective. Awesome job, it adds so much dimension to her character.
And the ending! It made me go awwww! The way you said he was wide awake was so sweet. It feels like he hasn’t had this kind of human connection or comfort in so long, that he wants to savor every moment of it. The way you told it was amazing.
So, wow.
Wow. O_O
Sorry if it took me such a long time to review it, I’ve been having exams up the yin-yang.
Keep it up!!
I’m eagerly awaiting your next chapter
I'm running out of ways to start these reviews, I really am. Every time i read your work I am just stuned. I actually fet that buterfly feeling in my stomach when Vixen/Eden went after Violet. By the way, I'm a little confused about how old she is, I might have just missed something but orrigionally i thought she was about 2 or 3, now my head is screaming that she is less than a year old (not even going to bother going into months).
I don't really agree with Black Sheep in that I understand why Vixen acted the way she did, but I have one small question. Does a wher wolf in your story get more control over themselves as they get used to being all wolfish or is there something different about Luis? I just assumed that it was the first one because that seemed to make more sence, although Luis seems a lot different that the other wolves we have seen.
I'm starting to understand this a little better. Before I was trying to figure out how the two parts connected, now it makes sence. Is the brother relationship was so unexpected and it was almost like WOW how did that happen? I would be a little careful about it, just meaning that you don't want it to seem to coincidental that 'oh they just managed to get into the two most powerful spots', that just seems, off (sorry can't find the right word for it).
Once again, stunning. And I'm sorry that I haven't gotten a chance to really look at this until now, it's just midterms are happening and I have sports and friends and everything else. I honestly havent even had time for my own writing (to afraid of being grounded again for slacking off, last time that happened my punishment was no more writing until I improve, it took almost a month).
Please keep going!
Thanks alot for the help
I'll start editing as soon as possible I pinky promise! The iPhone makes it all complicated :/
Alright, not a bad chapter, not as bad as you think it is, but I do have a few comments!
So if I’m following this right, it starts off after the previous wolf attack where he couldn’t save that woman from turning into a werewolf. Now I’m guessing he’s trying to nurse her back to health out of the goodness of his heart. Now, you have a very interesting conversation between the two of them, and it felt like you were just getting into something really good when the conversation ended and she fell asleep! And so did Louis.
He then wakes up to *gasp* howling! He listens, and recognizes Ira’s voice.
First, you don’t give us any indication to how he feels about Ira. After recognizing someone, you might feel anger, resentment, surprise, elation, or sadness depending on how you knew them. Louis regards him rather blankly. And then you tell us he’s Louis’s brother!
Now, if this goes consecutively with your other chapters, then I’m wondering where Vanessa and Zane are, since they were both with Ira.
Since Louis fell asleep next to Violet, wouldn’t she have been next to him when the wolves attacked him? You made no mention of her, or Vixen, when they should’ve been near Louis this whole time.
Ira sicks the dogs on Louis, because of some brotherly resentment from what I can tell, and Louis passes out from fright. This line makes it clear that he blacks out, but then later he recalls more and more of the scene to Vixen when he should’ve been out cold. That part didn’t add up.
Now, the fight with vixen. It took me a while to figure out it was her that was the wolf. I thought at first the wolf was something leftover from the fight Louis had earlier.
I didn’t understand why Vixen attacked him. I mean, he helped her, so she has no reason to act this way.
Again, there’s Violet; if anyone wanted to get at Louis, why didn’t they just attack her? It’s like she’s invulnerable.
The attraction between Louis and Vixen seems really REALLY forced. To me, the whole ‘ripped clothing’ and ‘exposed skin’ description was a real stretch, and makes her character seem a bit, well, you know what I’m saying. This is not a good thing, especially since we just met her. I mean, her name is Vixen, which is more of a suggestive nickname than an actual birth name. In my opinion.
So yeah, the Louis/Vixen relationship- I’m not buying it. Too one-dimensional, and too soon in the story.
So that’s what I took from part 6! Besides those comments I’ll just sound like a broken robot saying ‘great grammar, awesome description, blah blah blah’. You already know I think you’ve got talent!
Questions, let me know!