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139,610 Literary Works • 672,620 Reviews
This version is definitely a step up from your last one, do doubt about it. The characters feel much more refined, and I love the idea of Violet being a vampire. It’s easy to tell where she got her name from (the blanket and purple teddy). I never imagined her as a redhead, but I really love it. I love her dialogue when she’s talking to Louis. It’s easy to tell she’s a kid, and you manage to do it without getting sappy with it. The thing I usually don’t like when there are little kids in a story is that they are all made out to be wide-eyed and innocent and stuff, but you actually gave Violet character. I can’t wait to see more of her, and that’s something I never really felt in your original version when she was an infant.
I liked the moment when Eden went to touch Louis but he flinched back. To me, it’s even more effective because she was in such a state of pain, and he didn’t even comfort her at first. It just tells me how deep the pain must be in Louis, to instinctively shy away like that, even in front of an injured woman. I honestly think this moment is great; Louis’s character has so much room to grow because of it.
The fight scene was amazing. I hope when people read this story they will take their time and not skim over these parts because whenever I really slow down and savor the words, things just get a lot more vivid to me. I think that’s how your story is supposed to be read.
I think I had one last comment about Violet’s missing arm. At first, I was under the impression that her arm had been recently been removed, and was still spurting blood and the pain was making her cry. But then as I read on I realized that it just must’ve been a healed stump because you made no mention of the blood staining the violet blanket, and also Violet would never have been able to look at Louis like he was a savior because she would’ve been in too much pain to think as it was. So you might want to clear it up a little.
Also, I think I got this right, but about her family’s situation… they were a vampire family, somehow they had gone without too much blood, the dad decided to eat the child, the mom fights him and is left with a deadly wound, the dad is planning on coming back later to finish the job, right? I’m a little curious because you mentioned the hung farmer who was at the house as well, and couldn’t they have drunk his blood? Or had he been dead long enough that it was stale or something? If the mom and dad were married, wouldn’t they resort to drinking each other’s blood to stay alive rather than going at the baby? Eh, these are just a few questions I had.
Anyways, that’s all I had for this chap
Or maybe not. xD I'll finish this one.
I kinda forgot Violet was with him until this point.Oh my God! She speaks!! 8O
you don't want us to think of your character as thoughtless
can you describe teddy?
sorry, I gotta stop the review here, my eyelids are like 50 pounds each i swear I'll come back I promise
to me this sentence sounds a bit bland. Is there any way you can make the sound of shattering glass and broken furniture more exciting?
Picky comment, but I'd rather have it like 'Louis trudged up to the gaunt looking motel with Violet in his arms, just as dawn was beginning to break.
He was tired after a whole day of walking down the long highway
crap, i just realized I'm editing the wrong one DDDD:
lol
This chapter captured me for the suddenness with which Zayn is plunged in and out of serenity. He is buried in the deepest heart of comfort and relief, and then his worst dreams become realized. I love it when people torture their characters, it gives them far greater depth to be able to read about their reactions to pure fear, despair, or primal hate. It is something about the human psychology (even though Zayn is not entirely human), I suppose. The deeper we are to the core of human emotions, the more meaning and raw emotion we are exposed to.
I’m here to review this, so let’s get to work!
But enough of that, right?
“Gossamer curtains” is a vary clichéd phrase, try something else.
I think ‘trees’ seems a little too much, try ‘branches’ or ‘boughs’ instead. Also, how do those trees hide ‘them’ from sight when Zayn does not even know Siobhan is there? Plus his eyes are closed, how did he see the gossamer curtains or the cherry trees?
Nice prose, very well structured.
Here he opens his eyes, see what I mean?
You need a space between ‘whispering,’ and ‘Rest’.
This is the second time you describe Siobhan’s features, and frankly, it’s getting somewhat redundant. Try to lump it all in the first round, or cut this out. Example: “She lay with him among the cushions, her intelligent iridescent blue eyes gazing out from beneath her cat-like arched eyebrows, searching his face intently.”
‘While’ could be ‘and’. Also, the sentence about the necklace seems far too blunt. All your sentences at this part are too choppy for good description. I suggest you cut out the unnecessary pieces of jewellery and only mention the necklace, otherwise you spread the audience’s attention and endanger your story with boredom.
You have too much, “She did this, she did that…” I suggest you find some other way to say things like this sentence. Example: “The necklace clasp clicked apart between her fingers and she draped the chain around his neck, kissing the delicate pendant before laying it on his chest.”
You need a space between ‘murmured,’ and ‘I’; ‘relieved,’ and ‘We’; ‘head,’ and ‘No’; ‘confused,’ and ‘How’.
I think you should replace ‘when’ with ‘that’.
I would cut that last word.
I don’t know why, but I just think it would be better if you cut the last too words and added an adverb. ‘Trembling violently,’ maybe.
You need a space between ‘around,’ and ‘You’; ‘ears,’ and ‘Stop’; ‘Voice.’ and ‘You’; ‘roaring’ and ‘No!’.
Repetitive here, the double-necklace. I know what you’re trying to do (in fact, if you read carefully, you’ll notice that I did it in the sentence before this one) but I don’t think a comma will cut it. Perhaps a semi-colon?
‘Amethyst’ is repetitive here, and you need a space between ‘flashed,’ and ‘What’.
You’re using a passive voice when describing the Voice’s tone. Try saying, “…the figure rumbled in a thunderous tone.”
You need a space between ‘resisted,’ and ‘No…’.
‘Snarled’ isn’t exactly the verb you want here, I think. Try ‘bared’ or ‘peeled. Or maybe: “Zayn’s lips peeled back to reveal his dagger fangs, but he said nothing.”
You need a space between ‘narrowing,’ and ‘It’; ‘shouted,’ and ‘Stop!’; ‘figure,’ and ‘I,’.
So did they get what they wanted? You leave us in the dark here, is that purposeful?
I would change the word ‘nor’ to ‘or’ and cut out the ‘a’ completely.
So they did get the Door opened? I’m confused. They have his girl and want him to open some trans-dimensionalzing portal. And yet, when a pack of humans show up, they pack up shop and skedaddle. Clarification, clarification.
Why would they put it back?
You need a space between ‘away,’ and ‘Oh,’; ‘reply,’ and ‘But,’; ‘voice,’ and ‘Illuminated,’. Also, you misuse ‘it’s’ again. It should have been plain ‘its’.
One more note, you should put a period between ‘know’ and ‘it’. I believe cutting that sentence in half would loosen things up some more.
Is he punching Zayn or the guy who looked into Zayn’s eyes? If the latter is true, then I must say that Ira suffers from terrible mood swings. Bipolar, most definitely.
You need a space between ‘again,’ and ‘Dammit…’.
Put a comma after ‘now’. In dialogue, when using a direct address (names, titles and misnomers alike) you must have a comma before and after it, unless the beginning of a sentence precedes the direct address, or if a period follows immediately afterwards.
*deep breath* You need a space between ‘dryly,’ and ‘Kill,’; ‘whispered,’ and ‘For,’; ‘stiffly,’ and ‘I’m,’; ‘snarled,’ and ‘It’s,’; ‘softly,’ and ‘You,’; ‘interrupted,’ and ‘So,’; ‘himself,’ and ‘This,’; ‘softly,’ and ‘Ira,’; ‘whispered,’ and ‘I’ll,’; ‘whispered,’ and ‘He,’. *Phew!*
Also, you shouldn’t capitalize ‘Is’ in number 3, and I think ‘what’s gonna happen to it’ should be replaced with ‘what’s happening to it’. Also, cut ‘any way happen’ and put ‘go’ in it’s place. Here’s what the finished sentence would look like: “Killing it would make what’s happening to it go a little faster... Besides, it's an Underworlder.”
I am a firm believer in simplicity.
Also, I think you repeat Vanessa’s line too much. She says Ira’s name at least five times.
Also, I think you repeated the word ‘whispered’ far too much.
This is very obviously a joke, but Ira isn’t speaking as though it were. I think you should replace ‘asked’ with some better verb.
She wouldn’t giggle would she? Not in that situation and not at her age, right? Please try to find something else, maybe she could half-smile, or smile slightly. But no laughter, it ruins her pleading-begging-desperate moment.
You need a space between ‘huffed.’ and ‘But,’; ‘called,’ and ‘Somebody,’.
Who would put their coat over a monster soaking with blood? Definitely not one of those men, and I’m not sure if Vanessa’s coat could fit him.
You need a space between ‘cheek,’ and ‘You’re’; ‘whispering,’ and ‘For,’.
Overall, this was a decent enough chapter except for one thing: I (as the reader) didn’t really see things from Zayn’s POV. I looked backed and reread the chapter, not finding one mistake with Zayn this time (like the one I found about the gossamer curtains and cherry trees) but it still seemed like a problem. I know that most of the chapter is dialogue, and that Zayn could hear that, but I think he should be a little less aware of them. Perhaps you could make the words fuzzy for Zayn’s ears?
Beyond that, I found all those numerous errors about a missing space before quotations, try to keep that out of your writing.
The action is good in this chapter, and I certainly admire your portrayal of Vanessa’s bravery in sticking up for Zayn, but I feel it was over done. Why would she do it? Other than that ‘I just got this hunch he’ll save the world’ feeling.
Anyways, Great work!
Jenth
Gah! I'm falling to far behind in this story! Anyways, onto the review.
So I liked this version much more than your other one. All in all, it just had more substance. You brought out more of your characters, and I didn’t feel lost like I did at the end of your last version. I had no idea how he had escaped, or who those people were, and now I do.
There weren’t any mistakes I found throughout this part, the only thing I would do differently is to put the dialogue in quotation marks instead of ellipses, but that’s really your choice. I just don’t get the point of it, and the quotes are just more familiar to me. But of course, it’s your story.
I like how you portrayed Ira and Vanessa. Ira seems almost like a one-dimensional cold killer, but this line
Made him seem much more realistic. It gives a hint of humor, and shows that despite his violent nature he has a definite soft spot for Vanessa. Vanessa, on the other hand, seems interesting just because I’m wondering why she’s traveling around with a group of guys like him. It feels like their opposite personalities will clash sooner or later.
Anyway, I hope this helped, and I’m onto the next part!
I definatly liked this version better, the other seemed too 'oh we just happened to be here so now everything is happy!' This acheeves the same thing only it keeps with the general feel of the story. I like how it potrays how this world has placed heartlessness at the top of the 'Most Useful Traits' list; and you know it is just sad when heartless and cruelty are mixed up with kind and humaneness.
but the worst part is, or best depending on your point of vew, I got so wraped up in the story that i forgot to look for editing ishues (not that I can ever find any in your work), and when i try and go back the same thing happens again!
Rewrites can be VERY good.