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‘We’ll have to track him down,’ Bael said to his Men as They made Their way through the dark labyrinths of Underworld, ‘He can not have gotten far, not as injured as he is and with as much poison as he has taken in. He will heal, but slowly...and that alone will give us the upper hand and enough time to track him down.’
Their footsteps were silent, leaving no echo to be heard in the empty corridor. It was dark, save the dim crimson glow of the lantern that He held in his His hand, which washed only a small portion of the floor and the walls in a pale red light.
He rounded the corner, his His robe rustling with the movement.
'Ashe has betrayed Us,’ hissed one of the others, 'We cannot rely on him to track Zayn down for us again.’
'Yes,’ agreed another, 'Ashe has his own plans for the Divine. He now poses a threat to us. A much bigger threat than he already was, at least.’
‘We will not be asking Ashe for help,’ Bael snorted as They came to a cell door, his His breath freezing on the cold air, ‘I no longer have any need for his help.’
He retrieved a key from a ring around his His (ok, I really don’t see a patter anymore with the capitalization. Sometimes you’ll capitalize he and his and other times you’ll leave it. It’s pretty confusing. So I’m just gonna leave it alone and hope you fix it with editing) wrist and unlocked the cell, ‘I have a much more useful resource.’
He gave the lantern to the Man nearest to him and stepped into the cell alone.
Chained to the wall was a man, his eyes covered with a bloodstained strip of cloth. Black hair fell loose around his shoulders in matted clumps. Lean muscle rippled underneath his ivory pale skin, covered in grime streaked with trails of sweat. Above his heart was a cluster of bold, criss-crossing onyx lines.
His breathing quickened when he was aware of Bael, his breath white on the air. His upper lips curled into a snarl over his fangs.
Bael smiled sadistically, his eyes glinting under his hood with cool satisfaction.
‘Arza.’
++++++++++++++
Shi pecked hungrily at the Orc’s corpse and then flitted to the dead dog nearby, carrion stuck in her claws. She had not eaten so much since Before. There were more Underworlder bodies scattered around the empty field, as well as one or two Eradicators and their fighting dogs, and a handful of Renegades.
Zayn was leaned against a fence post, sharpening his blades on a stone he had found on the body of an Eradicator. He had managed to clean his wounds with Kits that he had scavenged from the bodies and bound them in clean dressings. An empty can of beets lay on the ground at his feet.
Shi was not hesitating to take what she wanted from the dead.
He had not killed them, but found them this way. The aftermath of an Eradicator’s raid. He sneered inwardly, thinking of the Eradicators in Underworld.
It was not his choice to save them. In fact, if he could have resisted the compulsion of sympathy for them he would have left them there to fend for themselves, or at least killed them with his own hands, and that would have been out of sheer mercy, mercy that their kind did not deserve. But the choice had not been his. She compelled him, as she had done so many times, and kept him from acting on his first and most violent of instincts. She saved him yet again from himself.
A warmth and a strong longing blossomed in his chest at the thought of her. As much as he did not want to re-open that Door, as much as he loathed going back there, as much as he loathed the truth, he would at the very least be able to see her again. That alone would make walking into fire worth it in the end.
The blades retracted back into his wrist and he pocketed the stone when he was drawn out of thought by the sensation of distant consciences of scavengers coming from the East. Shi abandoned the eyeball rolling across the ice and looked up to him with questioning eyes.
As though to answer her, he pushed off the fence post and started walking northward, wanting to avoid troublesome encounters with humans and the like. If he was careful enough, he could pass unnoticed to his destination, as he had remained completely unknown to Them for over a hundred-fifty picky comment, but here it was unclear whether you were meant 150 years or 500 years. A hundred 50 years would be 500 lol. I don’t know why this is tripping me up but I would make whatever it is clearer. years.
He stepped over the body of a faun and drew his hood over his head, and then placed a pair of sunglasses over his blindfold, doubling the protection from the bright light period
If Underworld were was an option, he would still be there making his way toward his goal uninterrupted and comfortably in the dark rather than in this disquieting light. But the Demons there would be a problem, and They would know if he entered. Going there would be like sticking his head into a dragon’s mouth and asking it to kill him.
Shi perched on his shoulder and ruffled her feathers, and then bent over to pick the flesh still clinging to her talons.
He stroked her feathers fondly and yawned, his fangs flashing white in the sunlight. He was tired, having not had a decent rest since before he escaped. As much as he tried to ignore it comma he was in pain, and keeping his wounds from reopening was becoming an effort in itself. He needed to rest, and he would have to find that place before nightfall.

'Dex, we have to stop,’ Mae said to her brother, leaning against a car and gripping her belly.
Her sister Jessa put a hand on her shoulder and her partner, Anthony, looked worriedly at her as he ran a worried hand over her hair. ok, this is reeeeally confusing with all the ‘her’s. I don’t know what’s going on and if you’re referring to Jessa or Mae. Re-do this sentence and make it easier to follow.
Dex rested the barrel of his shotgun on his shoulder and looked back at the little group, pressing his lips together. He sighed and looked down at Dog, who looked back up at him with somber brown eyes, and then back at his family. He could sense their weariness, and he knew they would not be able to make it much farther that day. But they had to. There was not any shelter around here, no resources to keep them warm and no food. He knew it was hard on his pregnant sister and her unborn child, but what was not difficult anymore? They would have to understand that sooner or later. Rest was a luxury that they just could not afford.
'How much farther?’ Anthony asked, unable to disguise the edge of impatience lacing his tone.
Dex pressed his lips together, drawing the map out of his jacket, 'We’re in Arizona now. Near Holbrook.’
He opened the map and spread it on the hood of the car, pointing at their location with a calloused finger. He dragged his finger northeastward and stopped at a circle labeled Philadelphia. There was a discomforting silence that followed.
'We’ll never make that in time,’ Anthony huffed, running his hand over his face, 'We should have left Amado along a long time ago...’
'We have plenty of time to get to Philadelphia,’ Dex said, 'We just have to keep moving.’
'You’re running the girls into the ground,’ Anthony argued, 'I should have gone with the others last year. We would’ve been there and not needed any help from you.’
The two men bristled, glaring at one another.
'This isn’t exactly the best time to be arguing,’ Jessa said softly, sensing the tension on the air.
Mae bit her lip, feeling like more of a burden to her younger brother and her husband than ever before.
Dog laid his ears back and gave a low whine, cowering close to Dex’s leg. Dex looked around warily, dropping the barrel of his gun into his free hand, his finger prepared to pull the trigger. He felt it too. A strange feeling, like static on the air brushed against his skin and caused his every hair to stand on end and his heart to beat faster. But like a breath of wind it was gone.
He shuddered and turned back to the others, but kept his gun ready.
'Just a few more miles,’ he said, 'At least let’s find some shelter before night. It’s not safe to out at night.’
'I want to transcribe a few more pages of American History into the Encyclopedia anyway,’ Mae said softly, 'It’ll be easier to do that out of the wind...’
Anthony swallowed and nodded, 'Fine. Fine. But if you exhaust yourself, I’ll personally kick YOUR ass, Dex.’ He gave Dex a warning glare which was answered with a sharp gaze.
Dex chirped to Dog, who stood up and was soon following at his heels at the head of the small company.
Jessa hurried to walk beside him, 'What’s the matter with you?’
'Nothing’s wrong with me,’ he grunted. Who is this? Is it Dex or Anthony?
'Obviously something is because you’re kind of being an ass,’ she snorted, kicking a rock out of his path.
He glanced at her from the corner of his eye and then looked behind him at his sister and her husband, and turned back to the road, muttering under his breath, 'I’ll just be happy when we get to Philadelphia.’
'He’s just trying to protect what’s his,’ she said softly.
'So am I,’ he grunted.
'Mae stopped being ours when she chose him,’ she reminded him.
Dex rolled his eyes.
'Not everyone is content with being lonely,’ she pointed out.
'But did we really have to bring him with us?’ he asked.
She giggled, shoving his shoulder playfully.
She smiled up at him, 'I missed you, Dex. It was too quiet when you were gone.’ I’d combine this with the previous sentence.
She giggled, shoving his shoulder playfully. “I missed you, Dex. It was too quiet when you were gone.”
He grinned a little and scuffed the toe of his boot on the asphalt, ‘It couldn’t have been that quiet.’
‘There’s a gas station up ahead,’ Anthony called from behind.
Dex huffed and looked at Jessa matter-of-factly, his blue eyes glinting with annoyance. She only grinned at him and shook her head.
The Second Sun was blazing in the crimson night sky, the moon was but a pale scar in the atmosphere. It had never been completely dark out at night, but that never stopped the Leeches, who were sensitive to the sunlight.
Dex felt a shiver roll up and down his spine when they approached the gas station, and it was not from the icy wind. Something was not right about that place. He could feel that electricity that he had felt earlier, only now it was stronger and did not go away. It was like standing in the center of a lightning storm, but without the heat.
White light sparked in his vision and soon consumed it. He suddenly found himself standing in the middle of an empty warehouse, surrounded by darkness. His blood ran cold even though his heart was beating in his chest rapidly. It was quiet, and he was alone. All alone. He looked around, wanting to shout, but he could not find his voice or the ability to even mouth the words.
Trembling, he looked around again. He blinked, and when he opened his eyes he was horrified to find Mae and Anthony laying on the ground before him, dead. Their faces were pale white, frozen with expressions of agony and terror. Blood pooled underneath them, dark crimson against the concrete floor. He swallowed and stepped back, only to bump into someone standing behind him. He whirled around and found it was Jessa standing there with glassy eyes that looked to him accusingly.
'You failed,’ she whispered from bloodless lips, 'You failed.’
Dex blinked and all at once he was outside in front of the gas station again. He blanched and looked around, gasping wildly for the breath he realized he had been holding for what felt like forever. He clutched a hand to his chest and looked down at Dog, who returned his gaze with liquid brown eyes.
Dex ran his hand over his face and tried to regather his wits, but he could not shake the feeling that was crawling all over him.
He looked around at the others and saw by the look on Jessa’s face that she could feel it, too. However, Mae and Anthony seemed completely unaware.
Before he could comprehend that ominous feeling it receded again, taking with it every last trace of static. Jessa bit her lip as she took her rifle from her back and followed him up to the station.
He paused to check the gas pumps, unleaded and diesel alike, but the scent of gasoline was nearly gone completely. Huffing, he set the pump into its place and jogged up to the station’s main building.
Every window of the store had been busted out and from what Dex could see from outside every shelf had been relieved of whatever food it once bore. The ceiling had even been torn apart so that the electric wires could be salvaged and the wooden beams could be burned for firewood. There was a garage on the side, a mechanic’s shop with a motorcycle and a small car still inside. He peered inside and found the workbench still intact as well as a pile of ashes left from previous visitors.
He went inside, his gun ready. Dog was sniffing the ground, his hackles still raised from the feeling before, but his plumed tail was wagging nonetheless.
‘The store is clear,’ Anthony said, walking into the garage with the girls.
‘So is the garage from what I can tell,’ Dex said, giving Dog a pat on the head, ‘Help me push the car out and we’ll get settled down.’
Just as they put their hands on the car something shrieked, tearing through the quiet of the night. It lasted for nearly ten seconds before snapping sharply to an end. Dog was still as a statue save his trembling legs, ears pricked and eyes bright with fright.
‘The fuck was that? Anthony breathed, gulping. I think this would sound better like ‘The fuck was that?’ Anthony gulped.
‘Dex,’ Mae breathed. She and Jess both had gone white as the snow now falling outside.
The scream sounded again, closer now.
‘I don’t know,’ Dex breathed. you say ‘breathed’ for both Mae’s and Dex’s dialogue. I would switch one of these up. You write ‘breathed’ quite a bit.
‘You were the one who’s supposed to have catalogued every type of creature in the country,’ Anthony breathed there it is again. Be careful. , ‘What do you mean you don’t know?’
‘Tony comma I swear on all that is good and decent in this world I’ll break your fucking neck if you don’t shut the hell up,’ Dex growled, loading a shell into each barrel of his shotgun. He turned to the girls, and was about to say something when he heard claws clicking on the ice and snarling coming closer and closer. Dog began to whimper.
He paled, ‘Get under the car! Now, get under the car!’
Nobody hesitated to obey him. He helped Mae ease to her hands and knees and gave her to Anthony.
The moment Dex crawled under the car with the others the creature stalking them came into view. At first he thought it had a light attached to its head, but it was actually somehow apart of it, like the pictures of angler fish that he had seen in a museum once.
It had a dog-like nose, and an exaggerated under-bite with yellowed tusks protruding from its jaws as well as jagged rows of rotting teeth. Drool and bile dripped from its jowls. Its eyes were small and lidless, the yellow irises clouded with what appeared to be cataracts.
Lean and bony, its body reminded Dex of a hairless, emaciated Wolf. Its grey-yellow skin was covered in tumorous growths and oozing pustules. Only patches of gray hair clung to its body, and even as it walked Dex could see what little was left fall to the ground. yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck
The creature snorted as it sniffed the ground and leaned its entire body forward, shrieking. Dex had to cover his ears and grit his teeth; the sound was like an anvil on his eardrums.
It snorted and turned around slowly around and walked along the car. Everyone under the vehicle held their breath, including Dog, who was snuggled close to Dex, ears laid back nervously.
The creature snarled and looked under the car, its eyes meeting Dex’s directly. Dex found himself blinded by the light shining from its forehead, and too afraid to move even if sight had not been taken from him.
Jessa and Mae screamed and Dog snarled, while Anthony could only stare in shock. It shrieked again and reached for him with a gnarled clawed hand. It nearly caught him by the throat, and would have, if the metal pipe had not speared it through its head and pinned it to the garage floor.
Another set of four legs came trotting up to the corpse, these covered in thick black fur and slightly feathered, incredibly graceful and elegant.
Dex swallowed and looked at the others. Jessa had both hands over her mouth so she could not scream and Mae was clinging to Anthony as tears slipped down her cheeks.
They were all trembling.
The creature’s eyes looked up, and Mae screamed when it snarled and started to stand up again, coating the pole with thick black blood.
The black legs crouched low enough so that Dex could see that they belonged to a little black wolf, with fangs bared and snarls ripping from her was he really able to tell it was female by the legs alone? throat.
The creature came crashing back down to the ground on its back entangled with a man. The man used the pole to pin down the monster’s head, but the creature still managed to tear at the man’s body with its claws.
The man grunted when a lash was torn into his side. The creature took advantage of the moment of weakness and threw the man onto the ground and crawled on top of him. The man quickly placed his feet on the creature’s chest, keeping his legs straight so that his entire lower body was off the ground, trying to keep the creature at bay.
The wolf snarled and sprang, sinking her fangs into the hollow of the creature’s neck. The monster howled and staggered back, and ripped the wolf from its shoulder, throwing it into the motorcycle across the room. The motorcycle was knocked down and slid across the floor with the wolf, slamming into the wall. Snarling, the wolf staggered back to her feet, bristling all over. The man was back on his feet again, this time with both ends of the pole in his hand. Without hesitating he snapped the pole side ways and twisted it until the creature’s head was upside down on its shoulders.
The light in the center of the monster’s head flickered and then winked out. The man released it and it crumpled to the ground.
The man faltered a few steps and then dropped to his knee, gripping his side.
The wolf came limping up to him, her ears laid back and a whine in her throat.
Dex swallowed, still a little shaken from the fight he had just witnessed, and crawled out from under the car, his gun ready to shoot if he had to. He was aware of a strange pressure on his mind, and the electricity that he had felt before. And he was also aware that it was all radiating from the man crouched before him.
'You’re so ready to kill the man who just risked his own life to save yours?’ the man rasped, stroking the wolf’s fur.
Dex licked his lips, 'It never hurts to be too careful.’
The man grinned and pushed himself to his feet, ‘Good answer. You should never trust me.’
The others crawled out from under the car and huddled behind Dex, save Anthony, who stepped up to stand beside him.
‘I’ll be on my way then,’ the man said, taking a step back.
‘You’re hurt...’ Mae said, pushing her way between Anthony and Dex.
‘It’s only a scratch,’ he assured her.
‘You saved our lives,’ Anthony said, nodding in agreement with his wife.
The man hesitated, 'I can’t.’
Dex’s eyes glinted with distrust, but he knew if he turned the man away his sisters would never forgive him for it. He cleared his throat, 'What’s a few hours of rest and a good meal gonna hurt?’


Zayn shook his head when Mae offered him a cup of soup that she and Jessa had prepared from what was in a couple of cans they had scavenged, and then winced when Jessa’s needle pulled his sliced skin over his ribs back together. She had also insisted on using an entire Kit to doctor his other wounds, so his arms and torso and his lower legs were bandaged in fresh dressings.
‘Sorry,’ Jessa said softly.
Zayn shrugged a little, 'It’s fine...the needle was only colder than I expected it to be...’
‘Where’d you say you were from, again?’ Anthony asked.
‘He’s tired, Tony, stop asking the poor man so many questions,’ Mae admonished.
‘I was just wondering where he came from,’ Anthony snorted through a mouthful of his dinner.
‘Leave him alone,’ Dex said from his place at the garage door, his agitated tone betraying his listless demeanor.
Zayn licked his lips and said, ‘I’m coming from the West but I have no home... Not here, anyway.’
‘Where are you going?’ Jessa asked.
‘North,’ he replied with a shrug, taking a sip of warm water in a can.
‘We’re going that way too,’ she said, pulling her thread tight, ‘To Philadelphia.’
‘Jessa,’ Anthony said in a warning tone with a shake of his head, distrust glimmering in his eyes.
‘You don’t have much to worry about,’ Zayn said, raising his arm so that Jessa could knot and sever her twine, ‘I’ve no interest in the comings and goings of you Humans or anybody else’s but my own for that matter.’
‘I hear there’s people there who take care of Underworlders and Humans,’ Mae said, ‘That it’s one of the safest places to raise a family. Have you ever been?’
Zayn nodded, ‘A few times but not anytime recently.’
‘It’s also the home of the last printing press,’ Jessa said, ‘Our family has been writing an encyclopedia for the past two hundred years, gathering every bit of history from Before and documenting the new. Mae and Anthony finally finished the Old Histories. I put in reading and math lessons. Umm, and Dex, he added algebra and calculus and studied all the Underworlders and listed their names and habits and how to kill them if they were ever caught in a fight. He knows practically everything there is to know about the Underworlders.’
‘At least we thought so...’ Anthony muttered.
‘Shut up,’ Dex grunted.
Mae rolled her eyes and said, ‘Now we‘re all going to Philadelphia to make copies and become teachers.’
‘We may not be as important as the Eradicators but we’re still trying to make a difference,’ Jessa added with a slight smile.
She knotted the twine and cut the needle free, 'Finished.’
'Thank you,’ he said, standing up, 'For everything. There’s not so many who would be so kind.’
He carefully pulled on his shirt and his hoodie, and placed his hood over his head and put his sunglasses over his blindfold, 'I would stay longer, but I have somewhere that I need to be.’
He pressed his lips together and nodded to Shi, who stood and trotted to his side.
‘You saved our lives,’ Mae said, ‘You deserve it. I wish you could stay and rest a while longer.’
'Can’t you at least walk with us to the border?’ Jessa asked, 'I mean really what would it hurt?’
Just as he was about to answer he felt the stab another conscience against his, calling for him to come. He caught his breath and Shi pricked her ears, her hackles cresting on her shoulders. He cleared his throat and backed away toward the door, ‘Excuse me, please.’
Shi followed at his heels, a low growl in her throat. Ashe was there, lurking in the shadows.
He had just reached the end of the parking lot when he sensed Dex behind him.
'Who are you?’ Dex asked.
Zayn was silent, and still as a statue. He felt Ashe’s mind, sensed the impatient aggression roiling within it. But where was he? Zayn’s skin prickled. It was as though he was standing in a dense fog suddenly, the air thickening as he breathed. Ashe was all around him.
'I know it was you,’ Dex half-whispered, 'You’re the one who made me see.’
'It was not on purpose,’ Zayn breathed, his fists clenching at his sides.
~I see you~ Ashe’s voice whispered in Zayn’s mind.
'What was that vision?’ Dex demanded with a sudden burst of audacity, 'Why did you show me that? Is-Will that happen? Was that some sort of premonition?’
Dex could not stop himself from flinching when Zayn turned to face him. It was quiet between the two for a moment before Zayn spoke.
'You saw what you fear the most,’ he said, surprisingly gently, 'It was not a vision of the future or anything else of significance. You fear letting your family down. You saw that happen, you felt it. I took advantage of the doubt in your heart and worked it to my advantage.’
~You feel it now don’t you?~ Ashe chuckled ~I told you, you could not hide from it forever. Your soul hungers for their life~
Zayn swallowed, his brows furrowing. Somewhere deep inside him he felt a burning desire for blood. Ashe was right about that. Even as he stood there, he could feel the life of Dex’s soul calling to the death in his own, tempting him like a siren’s song.
Dex swallowed, 'What about Jessa and the others?’
'You sensed me before they did,’ he replied, 'My mind attacked yours, it was purely out of defense and the inability to control what I do instinctively.’
'So you didn’t scare them?’ he asked.
Zayn shook his head. He tried to dismiss Ashe as well as the powerful urge to take Dex’s soul. but neither would surrender so easily.
~You think you could resist it?~ Ashe asked ~I might have thought so a few hundred years ago, but you haven’t been around a soul for centuries. You’re control is hanging on by a thread, if that~
'Can I ask you another question?’ Dex whispered.
'You want to know about the Demon,’ Zayn guessed, his voice a quiet rasp.
'Is that what that thing was?’ he asked, feeling himself pale.
'It’s an Underworlder,’ Zayn said, 'Or at least it was once.’
Dex blinked, hardly able to comprehend what he was hearing at first.
'We don’t belong here,’ Zayn said, 'Your afterlife was never meant for us. And we can’t get back to the World where we belong so that we can be reincarnated. So our souls stay here and before long some of them try to reincarnate on their own out of desperation to survive. But they don’t succeed...’
'That thing used to be an Underworlder?’ Dex asked.
Zayn swallowed and nodded, 'A tortured soul trapped in an unfamiliar world with no way home.’
~Kind of like you~ Ashe snorted ~Kind of like us all~
'Why can’t they get home?’ Dex asked.
'Because of me,’ he whispered the answer to Dex’s question to himself, the answer he did not want to admit to anybody else. He gulped and said a little louder, 'Because of me.’
He gulped and hugged his arms around his waist, bracing himself against a gust of wind. Dex stared at him in disbelief.
‘I have to go,’ Zayn said, taking a step backward.
‘You know those wounds of yours are going to need proper upkeep,’ Dex said, lowering his shotgun, ‘And no offense but I get the feeling you won’t give them that. Why don’t you walk with us awhile longer?’
‘You don’t want that,’ the other whispered, shaking his head.
~But you do~ Ashe snickered. Zayn snarled his lip.
‘But my sisters do,’ he huffed with a shrug, ‘They don’t really like to know they could help and not be allowed to. If you left I wouldn’t hear the end of it for...never. Besides if another one of those Demon things showed up we wouldn’t stand a chance.’
Zayn grinned slightly, but the smile left as quickly as it came when the mark over his heart warmed. He felt Ashe’s presence fade away but shuddered when he heard him say ~See you soon~
He felt Siobhan now, caressing his mind. As much as he wanted to leave she wanted him to stay and protect them. Did she not realize what a struggle it was to be so near the living? Did she not see that every second spent so close to them was driving him to kill? He swallowed and rested his hand over it when it began to glow through the fabric of his shirt and said, ‘I’ll see you to the border.’
With that, he turned and walked away, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He needed to be alone.

Nice characters you introduced here. I like that you’re expanding things, making more characters, more stories. It makes this feel a little more epic x)

I really liked your dialogue! Very smooth, very realistic. There was a lot of it in this chapter but it really carried along nicely. Great job.

You’ve made Zayn’s character really complex, and it seems like you’re always throwing new stuff at us. So, he’s a god, wears a blindfold, has a pet demon, uses magical powers like lightning, can make people feel their greatest fears, and now longs to take a big juicy bite of people’s souls? I dunno, it’s just getting to be a lot to keep track of… His ‘evil’ nature seems to clash an awful lot with the love he feels for Siobahn. Eh. Sometimes he feels too complex for his own good. I mean, I love his character, he looks awesome in my head, but he just feels a bit displaced at times. Like, it seemed odd that he gave into Dex and decided to tag along with them. Even if Shi was telling him to do it, it seems like Zayn could’ve just said NO and walked off.

Well that’s all I really had to say for this one, let me know if you’ve got questions!

Chapter 12 WOOT WOOT!!

... '... The Sky Diviness has become too powerful,' Rauma stated as she leaned back in her throne, 'Every day her League grows in both quantity and strength. They are becoming a threat to us. If we were to execute our plans to take over the World now, they would certainly be a force to reckon with. How do we solve this problem, you ask? Easy. Bring me Tîmör.'
The doors of the chamber opened and a shadowy figure came striding silently toward her seat. He stopped in front of her and bowed.
'You know my intentions,' she said to him.
'I do, my Lady,' he said, his voice resonating in the small chamber as though he were in a deep cave. cool description!
She looked around at her dark council when they cringed at the sound of his voice. A pleased grin came to her lips.
'Tîmör has served our purpose superbly as my Hand for centuries now,' she said, 'And he has done so effortlessly. I applaud myself; after all, it was my hand that designed him and all his perfection.'
She stood from her throne and levitated to where he stood, hands clasped behind his back, his head bowed and feet apart.
'Every instinct in him screams to follow my every command,' she told her small audience, circling her creation, her red eyes smoldering, her voice alive and dripping with braggadocio ok, I flippin love this description of Rauma. I can picture her being dressed in some extravagant and unique outfit., 'He is very drawn to death and can kill with both precision and stealth, making him the perfect assassin. He is also fully aware of every anxious thought passing through your minds right now, and can hear every mind outside these walls for ages (miles?). If one of them even considers to assassinate me... He lowercase he will know another pause here. A comma or semicolon or dot series would work and he will end the lives of any who dare to think such things with as little as a touch. He is my perfect body guard. And skilled as he is in combat and leadership, he is the perfect Chieftain for my league. He is my perfect weapon.'
'You always had an eye for perfection, Goddess Rauma,' remarked one of the beings among the council in a hissing slur.
She turned to face Tîmör now, tipping up his chin (I have a really good visual of Rauma, so when I pictured her tipping his chin, I pictured her nails to be like an inch long and grey. Just saying x) ) with her hand when he failed to look up at her as well. She untied his blindfold and smiled when she saw his amethyst eyes, blazing and burning with ambition, like a snake in pursuit of prey. there was no hint of humanity. This sentence really isn’t needed, because of the awesome description you already gave us. This extra bit just ends up sounding cliché.
'You know who to kill?' she asked, running her forefinger gently along his cheekbone.
His lip snarled over his fangs as he growled, 'Siobhan.' ... *shivers*


'There it is,' Louis said, peering out of the barn at the town through the onslaught of driving snow, 'We're so close...'
He could see San Angelo in the distance. From what he could see it was no different from really any other hamlet (of inhabited ruins) from Before. Inhabited ruins. I just don’t like this two word sentence.
Louis looked (glanced, maybe?) back at Zayn who was slumped against a haystack. An old (wool?) horse blanket draped over his shoulders. The Divine appeared to be in another place entirely, the way he sat there, motionless I don’t really get what you mean here. So was he asleep, or just emotionally distant? . Louis could barely detect the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. Zayn had been utterly disclosed ever since El Paso.
'It's another mile or two...' Louis said to him, 'Do you think you can make it that far?'
Zayn said nothing for a long while.
Louis waited.
'I can...' Zayn said finally, 'But I won't.'
'What are you talking about?' Louis asked.
'Our paths must diverge here,' he replied, 'I have to go on alone.'
Louis blinked, 'You can barely stand... You can't-'
'I've suffered worse,' Zayn interrupted.
It was quiet again. Louis had thought of Zayn as a part of his pack since the incident in New Mexico. He thought of him as his only friend, the only person that he could trust. He never really had considered that they would have to part ways. To me, this whole paragraph felt like one of those ‘telling’ and not ‘showing’ situations. It disrupts from your flow, only to have you flat out tell us that Louis thinks of Zayn as a friend. Personally, I think this paragraph should be left out entirely, and you can show how must Zayn means to Louis through their dialogue (which after I have read along, you’ve done entirely, so don’t even add anything new). It’s pretty obvious already that they are starting to form a bond over their adventures. They’re certainly come a long way since they met each other. I think if you reread this paragraph you’ll see what I mean about it being a bit ‘telly’.
Zayn struggled to his feet, his head drooping between his shoulders, 'I'm eternally grateful to you, Louis. If it were not for you I might not have made it this far. But understand, friend, I have that this is something that I must do. And you... I believe you have matters to attend to for yourself as well...' for some reason I couldn’t picture him saying friend… but that’s up to you, you know your characters better than I do!
Louis bit his lip, 'I was hoping to come with you.'
'That can't be,' Zayn said, shaking his head, 'I have to do this on my own... Besides lowercase ... I've already caused you enough trouble.'
Zayn shrugged off the blanket as he approached the barn's threshold where Louis stood.
'Where do you plan to go?' Louis asked.
'Wherever I feel I need to go,' Zayn huffed, rubbing his hands together, 'They guide me.'
He gestured up at the sky, pinpointing the billowing orb of light above.
Louis wondered what he meant, but did not feel like asking.
'Until we meet again,' Zayn said, taking a few steps outside before he turned again to face Louis, 'Which I don't doubt will happen again.'
Louis tried to smile, 'Goodbye, Zayn...'
'Not good-bye.' Zayn corrected, and then began to walk again, heading North. I really like the interaction between the two of them. Your characters all seem to have great dynamics with each other as soon as you put them together and just let them talk a bit x)


Louis trudged up to the town, feeling suddenly weary and hungry. It was then when he realized how long it had been since his last meal. He could go for months at a time with little to no food. He supposed this was the longest he had gone without.
He approached a large encampment of refugees just within the city limits. Most of them were humans, but among them were a handful of Underworlders; Satyrs, Centaurs, and even a Minotaur or two. Some of the rarest creatures. Louis supposed these were probably the last of their kind.
These were victims of the violence and poverty. Louis had always heard this place was a secret, hence the passwords what passwords?. But now he figured the secret had been discovered, judging mainly by the immense crowd.
He spotted a few creatures with golden eyes and sensed other Alphas around him. He could feel a strange competitive urge coming over him, but forced it to the back of his mind. Such things as proving his own strength were far from important.
'Louis!' shouted Eden's voice.
He looked ahead and saw her standing only twenty yards away with the others.
Swallowing, he started toward her as she and Winston began to Shove lowercase their own way to him, meeting him in the middle.
'We thought you'd never make it,' said Winston, 'George, Perry and I were about to go out looking for you.'
'Where's Zayn?' asked Eden, looking around confusedly for the absent Divine.
'He's gone...' Louis replied.
She looked (gaped?)at him, shocked.
'Not dead,' he said quickly, 'He said it was best to part ways just before we got here and set off on his own...'
She pressed her lips together, 'Well... You're lowercase you’re back. And you're safe. That's all that really matters...'
He grinned wearily, and then looked around the refugees again, 'What's going on here?'
'The town has been raided relentlessly these past few nights,' Winston replied, 'And lowercase and settlements surrounding this one...'
'Eradicators?' asked (guessed?) Louis.
'We all suspect different races,' interjected a woman with pale pink eyes, dark skin, white hair and long pointed ears. He saw fangs glint behind her lips.
Louis had never seen such a creature in his life. He would have mistaken her for a Leech but there was no scent about her, save a slight earthy smell, and he could sense no threat from her.
'The Wolves suspect the Leeches who suspect the Centaurs,' she went on, 'The Centaurs suspect the Minotuars who suspect the Orcs, who suspect the Humans. And Humans... Well Humans suspect everybody who isn't Human, and even then there's suspicion.'
'And you?' Winston asked.
'Who do I think it is?' she asked and then gave a sort of laugh, 'I think that nobody is innocent.'
Louis sighed, running a hand over his face.
'Forgive me for eavesdropping,' said the creature, 'In fact I've been incredibly rude and ignorant. I was just so absorbed in your conversation. First of all... My lowercase my name is Lyrah. Secondly, and again forgive me, but I could not help but notice that you mentioned someone by the name of "Zayn"I don‘t believe Zayn needs to be in quotes at all...'
Louis nodded slowly, 'I did.'
She smiled and then covered her mouth with her hand, 'Tall fellow... Wears a blindfold to keep the light out of his eyes... Black lines on his skin?' all lowercase after the …
'Yes... Purple eyes when the blindfold is off...' Eden said, nodding also.
'That's him...' Lyrah breathed, tears welling up in her eyes, 'How did you come to know him?'
'He saved us from Eradicators,' Eden replied.
Lyrah looked at Louis, and then her eyes narrowed. She brushed aside the collar of his ragged shirt. There was a black mark on his throat. She swallowed, 'Has that always been there?'
He reached up to touch the mark but she halted his hand, 'Don't touch it... Tell me... How long were you in his company?'
'A week or two, maybe three,' Louis replied, 'Why?'
'Come with me,' she said in a low voice, 'We can no longer talk about this here...' Oooh! *jumps up and down in seat* This sounds interesting!!

Once they were inside a small shack, Lyrah turned to face Louis, 'How much do you know about Zayn?'
He shrugged, staring into a mirror at the black mark on his skin. It was exactly like the lines that crisscrossed Zayn's skin. I’d expect more shock to come from Louis at this realization. I mean, he’s not dumb, so obviously he has to be thinking that maybe something’s wrong here.
'I know that he's on his way to open this Door...' he said, 'and that That he was a Divine Chieftain long Before period and that he He led a Revolt against the gods of his World for the sake of liberty.'
She touched a finger to her lips and sat down on a stool, 'So... You lowercase you don't know of Ashé?'
'Ashé?' he repeated, looking to Eden.
Winston and the others sat upright on their chairs, their eyes drifting from the Drow Wait, what’s a Drow? I don’t remember you using this word before. to their Alpha nervously.
She huffed, 'Zayn is not who or what you think he is... He lowercase tries to deny his nature but the truth is... He lowercase is a slave to it...'
Louis looked at her, 'What are you talking about?'
'It's a long story...' she sighed.

I haven’t noticed you doing this often in other chapters, but here it seems like there are an awful lot of ‘…’ . Personally, I don’t like reading through these very much because it usually just slows down pace. The only place I think it is really effective is if it is used at the end of dialogue, to show that the person talking is quietly trailing off their sentence, leaving the end hanging. However, you use complete sentences and are using them to simply create pauses, which are naturally there in your dialogue, and if you read it right, the pace is evident. To make the lecture short, be careful that you’re only using them when you need to.


... She lay there, nearly submerged in the cushions of her bed beneath the skylight in her domed ceiling. The moonlight played on the glimmering silk of her night dress while the soft breeze mussed her cropped silver hair with invisible hands.
He materialized out of the shadows within her chamber, a slight grin curling over his fangs. This kill would be all too easy for him.
As he crept closer, the thin, serrated blades in his arms slid out of his wrists.
He leaned over her sleeping body, unmoved by eitherneither the beauty of her features or evennor the innocence and purity that radiated from her every pore. Licking his lips, he raised his arm to strike.
The blades were just about to plunge into her flesh, when she whirled around. He felt the sting of steel in his chest and stumbled back, groping at the torn leather of his shirt.
Before he could manage to re hyphen gather his senses, she was upon him. They crashed into the vanity, knocking off the bottles of perfume and the great mirror which shattered on the floor. This scene is very beautiful and vivid in my mind.
He finally caught a hold of her (by the shoulders?) and threw her across the room into the wardrobe. She came after him again, and this time prepared for her, he caught her by the arms. whyWhat he was not prepared for however, was her feet, which she used to kick his legs out from under him.
Somehow, he found himself on his back with her on top of him, dagger in hand.
He snatched her wrist before she could strike the killing blow, his fangs bared.
He squeezed her wrist until there was a loud snap, and she gave a cry of pain.
He kicked her off, while still holding onto her and take took her dagger into his other hand. In her struggle to get away from him, she reached up with her other hand to claw at his face, leaving five searing trails of red down his face, and tearing off his mask. In the process of leaving five searing trails of red down his face, she also tore off his mask.
He slammed her up against the wall, eyes blazing furiously How did they both get up? Your fight scene is great, and very easy to follow, but they were just grappling on the floor with her trying to get away from all of a sudden you say he has her up against the wall. Does that mean he caught hold of her again?. Breathing heavily, he closed his hand around her throat, a half- no hyphen, I think laugh, half snarl escaping him.
She gulped, looking up at him with tears in her retell us the color of her eyes again for effect, or any other description you can fit in here eyes.
Without a word, he touched her blade's cold steel to her throat, unscathed by her tears. His eyes lingered on her for a moment, and then he looked into her eyes. His triumphant grin vanished.
For a long while, they only stared at one another. He held his breath, as did she.
He saw immediately what she was and what she was capable of. Like him, she was unlike all the other Divines, but unlike him, she was stronger. She was set apart from the rest to serve her Creator in ways that nobody else could. She could see into the black abyss that replaced his heart and soul. She illuminated the Darkness there, like a lantern in a cave. For the first time in his life, he felt whole.
What he was feeling now was something strong, something that defied his very nature. And he found himself hungering after that strange feeling.
She was everything that he was not, he could see that as well. Pure. Innocent. Compassionate. Even strong. And beautiful. Simply beautiful. How could she be a threat? How could he end something so... So perfect?
He released a shuddering breath after what seemed like an eternity but really was only a few seconds, and slowly removed his hand from her. He took a couple of faltering steps backward, dropping her dagger. The sound of the steel on the stone reverberating throughout the chamber was the only disturbance to the silence that rained the room, aside from their pounding hearts and soft breathing. Great descriptions, again. I can hear the knife clanking to the floor in my head.
'Are you going to kill me?' she breathed, clutching her wrist to her chest, the color in her face gone.
He looked away, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.
'If only it was so easy...' he growled through his teeth.
He pressed his palms into his eyes and roared with frustration. What held him back?
He flinched when her fingers brushed against his shoulder. She withdrew her hand, 'I'm sorry... I hurt you badly...'
She carefully turned him around so that she could see the wound on his chest. Biting her lip, she touched her fingertips to the tear in his flesh. He sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth and gave a groaned when he felt a strong burning sensation envelope his entire being. A soft blue light illuminated the laceration and the burning was replaced by a soothing warmth which alternated to a refreshing cool. He watched as the light danced over his wound, mending wherever it touched. When it was finished, it faded away, leaving behind a faint blue scar.
He gulped and touched his fingers to the scar, looking at Siobhan with wonder.
She gulped, 'I cannot bring myself to kill you now... But lowercase but if you decide it is necessary to kill me then do so.'
He was supposed to kill her. Only a few minutes ago, he was intent on doing so. Besides, he could not return to Rauma and her council without some proof of her disposal. Blood. ...

... Rauma sighed with relief when the doors of the Council Room were thrown open and Tîmör entered.
'I almost thought that witch had gotten the best of you, Tîmör,' she said, standing, 'I assume you were successful in your mission?'
He bowed slightly before her, 'If I was not I would not be here, my Lady.'
He held up a glass vial of scarlet liquid, 'The blood of Diviness Siobhan, successor of the Goddess Hiba of Life.' For some reason I really love the name Hiba… it’s got a nice ring to it x)
Rauma gave a triumphant laugh as she hurried to him, 'I have just succeeded in single-handedly toppling the largest threat to my plan.'
She took the vial, gazing at it as though it might vanish in her grasp, 'With her death, the nomads under her will surely fall into chaos. Before long, they will be no more. And then, I can strike.'
She turned to face Tîmör, 'You truly are perfect... Now lowercase now... I want you to kill-'
She reached to touch him, but he shied away from her touch, 'No...'
'No?' she repeated.
'I am through here,' he said.
She stared at him in shock as he tore off the insignia of her order from his sleeve, a royal purple eye.
'Find someone else to be your puppet,' he hissed.
'You can't walk away from me!' she shrieked as he began to turn away from her.
He stopped and then turned to face her, 'Can't I?'
Seething with rage, she drew out a blade, 'Nobody betrays Rauma!'
He snatched the blade from her hand and drove it through her chest. She clutched his arms, her mouth agape as though she were screaming, but there was only silence. awww… I kinda liked Rauma *pouty face* And I only knew her for less than a chapter.
He held her gaze as he touched a hand to her throat. Black lines like the ones that covered his skin began to spread out from his finger tips and crawl over her features. She did scream now at the searing heat of his touch consumed her.
'Stop!' she begged, 'Stop!'
He ignored her. Her skin began to crack like heated clay nice description as the life drained out of her. And then, she crumpled to the floor, a mummified corpse.
Snorting, he turned and left heleft them.
'You realize what this means?' asked one hissing shadow.
Silence followed.
'Divine Tîmör,' said the voice, 'is now the reigning god.' ...

... ~One Hundred Years Later~ ...

... '... Tonight,' Lyrah said to the grand audience of Divines and mortals alike, 'We are gathered together here in the Great Hall to celebrate the Tricentennial of the creation of both our World and our Guardians, the esteemed race of the Divines. Only under their guiding hands and watchful eyes has our World been able to prosper as it has. We have known nothing less than three hundred years of peace and plenty.'
The audience cheered in agreement. She smiled, 'I do not wish to keep you all here waiting for me to end this speech. I only wish to say that I look forward to another hundred years of the same prosperity with not only my fellow Drow, but also every nation surrounding us. To one more century of unity!'
She held up her glass, and everyone mimicked her action and burst into applause.
The ground suddenly shook with ferocious force, and the surprised creatures all let out a scream of terror when Rauma appeared behind Lyrah, along with the other five gods and goddesses.
Lyrah sprang off of her platform and cowered into the crowd. Everyone bowed low before them, trembling and sobbing with fear.
'A great abomination has been committed by your fellow Divines,' Rauma growled, her eyes piercing, 'We have come here to make an example of them before you all tonight. This way, you are all fully aware of what happens when you turn your backs against us, the gods, your Creators.'
'As you all know,' Bon, Creator of the Sea and the Nomadic Divines that guarded it, thundered, 'The act of a Divine taking a mate is a direct threat against the gods and therefore treasonous. These two became mates not three nights ago, and have been in our hands since then. Tonight they will be executed.'
The audience dared to look up when they heard chains rattling. Gasps filled the room when Tîmör stumbled in front of them, appearing unkempt and ill. A few screams of horror erupted from the crowd when Siobhan joined him.
'Tîmör, god of fear and death,' Rauma hissed. This may not be the best place to interrupt, but ‘the god of fear and death’ sounds pretty darn frightening. I’d like to see more of Zayn (the ‘evil’ Zayn, I guess. Would that be Timor? X/ ) being terrible and cruel before we hear his title, so it will be more believable. I mean, we just haven’t seen enough of him yet to believe that he is this terrible being, or at least I know that’s how I feel.
'Siobhan, Diviness of Life,' Hiba half-whispered, looking brokenly at her daughter.
Siobhan gave a cry when she saw Tîmör and tried to rush toward him. Hiba held her back.
Tîmör turned to face Rauma. Though his eyes were covered, she was well aware of the hatred they held for her.
'I know how hard this is for you,' she said, a grin on her lips, 'Would you like to see her? At least?'
She reached down and tore off his blindfold.
He screamed and fell to the floor when the light reached his eyes. Agonized, he arched his back. Even with his eyes squeezed shut, he could still feel every searing ray.
'Tîmör!' Siobhan screamed.
He finally managed to roll over on his stomach, pressing his face into the cool floor. He shook all over, gasping for breath.
'Stop it!' Siobhan shouted, struggling against her restraints, 'Leave him alone!'
'I'm alright,' he groaned.
Hiba swallowed and loosened her grip on the chains, allowing Siobhan just enough slack to reach him.
'This is just pathetic,' Rauma sneered, 'Tîmör, before you became a traitor you would have killed anyone who came so close... I would know...'
She forced him to his feet.
'You really are my puppet now, aren't you?' she laughed.
'Rauma, enough,' snorted Palis, the Creator of the mountains, 'Let us finish this ugly business.'
'Siobhan... I'm sorry it came to this,' Tîmör said, 'Forgive me.'
'I'm not,' she said, looking up at him, 'And I won't.'
He smiled a little.
He did not resist when Rauma led him to a pedestal and forced him to rest his head on it.
'I am truly sorry for such a misfortune,' she whispered in his ear, her hand on the nape of his neck, 'Especially since you will miss out on the world that I intend to create.'...

'At the time, little did we realize what Rauma had done during the three nights of Zayn's imprisonment,' Lyrah sighed, 'He had become so pure all those years of secrecy with Siobhan that his soul began to reject its evil nature. Rauma extracted most of what was left of it and with that, she created Ashé.'
'So...' Louis said slowly, 'Zayn has a brother?'
'No,' she whispered, 'Ashé and Zayn are two halves of one whole... They are the same person.'
Louis and the rest stared at her as though she was a madwoman.
'Ashé is the part of Zayn that is intent on death and serving Rauma, as he was created to do,' she explained, 'When Zayn and Siobhan became mates, the overall purity of her and the rejection from him only forced that part of him to detach further to the point that Ashé was another spirit altogether. Rauma simply released him. Today, he pursues Zayn like a shadow, trying to convince him to reunite so that they can defeat Rauma together permanently, and take over her plans for world domination.'Wait, I thought you said Ashe was intent on serving Rauma… so then why does he want to defeat Rauma for his own world conquests?
'Why did Zayn change his name?' asked Eden.
'His true name makes it easier for Ashé to control him,' Lyrah said, 'It became dangerous to use after the Revolution began on the tricentennial.'
'How did they manage to escape?' asked Winston, who had been listening closely.
'There was a temple filled with some of the most powerful beings in existence,' she pointed out, 'All of which respected Zayn and Siobhan and would gladly risk their lives for their safety. After all, it was those two who had opened the eyes of the blind so that they could see how wrong the gods were. The Revolution began that night.'
Louis swallowed, 'And my mark?'
'You must have allowed Zayn to borrow your energy...' she said, 'That mark shows that three years has been stolen from your lifespan.'

Oooh nice cliffhanger!! I knew there was something bad about that ominous black mark… >xD

So wow, (you’re making me wow again) the plot is really picking up now, isn’t it? I love the scenes going back in the past, and for some reason I like Rauma. I thought the fight between Sio and Zayn was very epic (I know that’s how you pictured it in your head too x) ) so I’m just letting you know that I think that went over very well. I kind of want to see more of Zayn’s evil side, but I don’t really know how relevant it would be to the current plot… Anyways, I love how you gave more of Sio… ah I’m rambling. To keep it to the point, I love ALL your characters, each and every one, and the more time we spend with them, and the more you continue to reveal about them, the BETTER.
I thought the dynamic between Louis and Zayn was really good, I like how each characters reacts slightly differently to each other, which really fleshes them out. For example, Louis acts vulnerable around Eden, (used to be protective of Violet x( can’t forget about her) generally stoic around Zayn, and distant and untrusting of most everyone else. Anyways, I’m just saying that I love how you can play around with these characters and put them into different situations that will keep things unexpected and exciting.
Things to improve on? Not much. I do notice you used an awful lot of ‘…’ within your text this time around, not sure if I was just imagining it, but always be wary of your punctuation. I’ve found the best way to fix weird pauses is to simply go back to the chapter a few weeks or so after you’ve written it, read it again slowly, and then you’re bound to catch a few more mistakes. Also, I’m not perfect with grammar, but I thought that within dialogue, if you use the ‘…’ in the middle of a sentence, then the continued parts of it do not start out capitalized.
Random example:
Say a character’s out of breath.
“I just can’t believe… they were able to… outrun us!”
Not
“I just can’t believe… They were able to… Outrun us!”
Does that make sense? X)
Anyways, it’s getting late and I know if you’ve got any questions you’ll just PM me later, so see you next time