strawberry pocky's, pink lemonade,
laughing till the sky goes dark.
scary stories in the hot tub,
scaring friends together,
groaning when morning comes.
listening to lullabies,
brushing our teeth together,
whispering "sweet dreams, i love you" into the shadowed ceiling of our room.
staying up just past bedtime talking in the bathroom,
being chastised by our mama,
checking on you when you take the brunt of it.
"get to bed," you say through gritted teeth.
i comply. you come to bed soon after.
you sound teary when you catch me praying.
you don't know that i'm praying for peace in our family.
i slide into bed and you follow suit, climbing to the top.
we say our ritual "good night, i love you", but there's a sadness in it.
i start to play the lullabies, and you timidly ask me a favor.
the deadpan, sassy younger sister, and
the contrastingly sharp and soft smiling older sister.
when you thanked me for calling mama
with "your mother and mine"
over the sound system in our home,
i nodded
(though you couldn't see it
from your perch on the top bunk)
and thought to myself
(though you couldn't hear it because,
as much as you'd like to be,
you are still not a mind reader)
"this is what sisters are for."
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139,274 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hey Avi
first of all, I want to comment on how I really like your poetic voice! I love how it's simple, but you still have this very unique voice that is really easy to follow, along with, and being engaged with throughout the entire poem. To me, this poem felt sort of like a listing type of poem, but it still had a really strong sense of reflection on the past.
In my interpretation, your poem talks about a relationship between sisters. I like how the first stanza is all about good things that you do together and what has made your relationship so strong. But then, we get into a bit more of a disagreement that happens and how we can see that there is some pain within this family that is causing a lot of strain for the sisters. I like how you include details, but not too many. For example, I like how you talk about the bunkbed and towel the other Sister cannot see you nodding. I thought that was a nice touch!
I got a little bit confused at this part of the poem, as to what was exactly happening. It sounds like one of the sisters maybe wanted the other to call the Mom using the Soundsystem. The "your mother and mine" also made me a little bit confused, but I still love the tone that you use as you're describing this. I like the simplicity. I like how you capitalize some I's but not the others. This makes it feel very free.
I think my favorite line was this one:
I love the combination of what is external, or seen by the sisters. As well as what is happening on the inside, like praying for peace and the family. I think he did a great job, balancing that portrayal of what we can all see, and what we cannot see. It follows the thoughts of this one sister very well. Overall, I love your poem, and I look forward to reading more of your writing! Great job.
Your friend,
Ellie
What I love most about this poem is its intimacy. The strongest moments are the smallest ones. That’s where it hits the hardest: the quiet pain, the cracks in the rituals that still somehow hold you together. It’s messy, nostalgic, and a little sad, but it’s also real. That’s what makes it work. It's human.
But there’s also a sense of distance here, and not in the way I think you intended. Some of the moments feel too broad, too nostalgic in a general way, like they’re leaning on the reader to fill in the blanks with their own sibling memories instead of giving us your story. The scary stories in the hot tub is a great setup, but what were the stories? What made them scary for you in particular? I want to be there with you, not just see it from a distance. There’s a beauty in that, the way it mirrors memory, but it leaves parts of this feeling incomplete.
You’re giving us glimpses, but you’re holding back just enough that we can’t fully step into the narrator's life. I’d love to see you push just a little further; let the sadness develop on its own, let the tension simmer. I think you could let us feel why that resolution specifically matters more. It's important, but why?
All the best!