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Problems

by averyismediocre


I'm aware we all have problems.

I know it's okay to cry.

But sometimes life just bubbles up,

And I feel like I want to die

---

Some days show more promise,

But most days that's not true.

I hurt inside and feel the pain,

Though I don't know what to do.

---

I dissociate my problems away

In hopes they'll leave me be,

But I'm too hopeful for my own good

So I hope you can hear my plea.

---

And if you try to find me

Through all this mess I own:

I pray that you don't get lost

In these thoughts that I call home.


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Wed Apr 10, 2019 4:42 pm
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FabihaNeera wrote a review...



This is really well-written! The title and description really attracted me to read this because it's such a relatable topic for many of us. Your lines are simple and to the point... though I can still feel the emotion being conveyed from this. Your rhyme scheme also adds to the flow of each line - one to the next. Overall, I really loved reading this. The topic is just so REAL.

This is just my suggestion... but it's still a great poem either way. I would maybe tru adding in more poetic devices like imagery or metaphors... I think that would really enhance it.

Anyway, again, great work on this... I would love to read more of your work!






Thank you!





Also, I'm honestly not the best with metaphors and imagery but I will try my best to use some in the future! Thank you for that suggestion! <3



FabihaNeera says...


No problem :D



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Sun Mar 31, 2019 10:19 pm
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hiraeth wrote a review...



Hi averyismediocre! (by the way, i totally disagree with you username, you are so not mediocre :) )

Okay, like I usually do when i'm reviewing poetry, i'll point out my favourite part:

I pray that you don't get lost

In these thoughts that I call home.


These are beautiful lines; so prettily stated. It's like saying, My thoughts are messy, but they're mine. Also, it's a warning, like the speaker's cautioning the people that if they come to save him, they may get harmed too - which i think is sweet and really honorable.

Punctuation, structure, style, don't really matter in poetry; you have a free license there, so i'm not be commenting on that.

I dissociate my problems away


I can't really tell why, but this part just seems a bit off. Doesn't really scream 'pretty line' to me, and doesn't fit in with the rest of your poem (again, this is all just my opinion, feel free to ignore any and all advice).

So I hope you can hear my plea.


So this is actually becoming a little contradictory to what you wrote next. Once, you beg for someone to come help you, and the very next, you caution the person if he tries to come. I'm interpreting this to be a direct reflection of the mindset of our speaker here - how he's longing for help and how he still doesn't want other's fighting for him.

Anyway, this was great work. I hope to read more of your work soon, feel free to tag me in anything else you write.

Have a nice day, and keep writing!






Hi! Thank you for this review! I also realized that dissociate didn't match the poem but I wrote this to be as truthful as possible and I literally would use dissociation as my leverage sometimes when I became an emotional wreck to numb myself of emotions. And you were exactly right about the last lines. That's how I wanted it to come across. Thank you again so much for the review and I appreciate everything you wrote! <3



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Fri Mar 15, 2019 10:07 pm
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Althea wrote a review...



Hello,
I really enjoy how simply put you managed to make something that feels so overwhelmingly complex. The use of language to convey emotion is powerful and I love the balance of literal language that punches you in the gut and figurative language that drags you in by describing the universal things that vary from person to person that can't be spoken without complete trust. Well done on your work. I look forward to reading more. Keep writing!






Thank you!



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Fri Mar 15, 2019 5:42 pm
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Anma wrote a review...



Hello Avery!

This is a great piece, I have to say.

I can feel the emotion coming from it. The message is very sting as well.
I like that you did the ABC rhyme it makes it an even better piece.

The grammar, and spacing is good.
This is a very good piece.

I hope to read more from you
Keep up the good work!!

Sincerely Anna.






Thank you!



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Fri Mar 15, 2019 5:35 pm
Fantascifi66 says...



What's ABCB style? Good poem by the way!






It's a rhyming pattern! Last time I did this pattern, people were confused about the writing so I decided to be clear about my rhyme scheme beforehand.



Fantascifi66 says...


Oh, okay! Thank you!




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