The life of a wanderer,
All too weary.
The life of a traveler
Wandering a lone path.
No sign of stopping
On the cold stone road.
No rest in sight for the taxed heart
No shelter there for the weak.
Only an everlasting onward march,
On to infinity.
Sometimes he wanders alone,
Sometimes he's joined by another.
But all the time, he's still alone.
Onward. Onward. Onward.
A bird chirps in the trees,
The grass rustles,
Yet the traveler does not hear.
Still in the traveler's mind,
He's going onward, onward, onward.
Without halt, without falter,
The traveler paces his path.
A hundred years, more or less,
His journey must entail.
His hair grows gray, the color fading.
His knees tremble and fail.
Eyes growing dim as he gasps for air.
He falls time and time again,
But no witness remains.
---
He is reduced to a crawl,
The wanderer takes his final breath.
Then life takes its tragic toll,
Leaving a single body on a desolate road.
(Apologizes for the formatting. It never seems to work right. :/
Please do also remember this poem is still a work in progress, so any criticism or help is much appreciated.)
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137,681 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
I liked it. It was simple and not overly drawn out or like constantly sad, it was realistic.
You managed to portray that being lonely isn't always sad, it's just sad for those who don't like being alone.
I loved that you used simple language most of the time but added beautiful words like "desolate" or "everlasting" and that made the poem a good read.
(if you'd like to add a few extra stanzas then I could suggest you write about the fear of the unknown on the roads or like the weight he carries in his heart or something like that.)
Happy writing.
Hi there,
I quite like this. There's a lot of creative work out there about loneliness, but this didn't come across as cliche. It managed to strike a chord, and the imagery was certainly vivid and I connected with your main character in some degree. I also quite enjoyed the transition in tone in pacing into the last act.
As far was what you could improve, I don't have a lot to say since this poem is already so strong. The only thing I would maybe comment on is to strengthen the connection we feel with your main character. Right now it's somewhat detached, like we understand what's happening him and how he feels but we're not connecting with him on that deeper level. There's certainly room for expansion, whether that's adapting this to first person, showing us how he feels at his moment of death, etc. You're the author though, and this is your piece, so you can decide what's best.
Best of luck! Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
Thanks for the review! For some odd reason, I don't really feel that the main character ought to be connected with so much, since he's alone. But i'll think it over.
-AJ
Hello! Rurouni wandering here to review!
This was a good concept! Though a few of the stanzas feel forced, and you have some repetition (the okay-ish kind)...
So we'll hop to it then!
Firstly, you use weary twice. I'd suggest using it once to give the actual repetition parts... More meaning.
The last stanza feels SO forced to me. Like he had to come to and end right there. It seemed too quick... Forced... Yes. So maybe change it up a bit.
Also, you change it from Wanderer to traveler. I just wanted to point that out in the event it was suppose to be Wanderer.
I do like the concept, being a wanderer myself.
(Are you a fan of Rurouni Kenshin by any chance? XD)
That's really all I have to say here! I must wander now!
This was yet another immediate work that I was far too impatient with, and just wanted to post.
I'll probably be adding a couple stanzas in the near future, but thanks for the review!